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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have sent this child home?

81 replies

Ironfloor · 30/06/2015 20:12

DD plays outside with the neighbourhood kids after school, till about 6ish when it is her dinner time. Today, another kid whom we know joined them to play. This kid used to come to our house afte school and play with DD till his mom took his older brother for tuition. Today, however, his dad was at home while his mom was out with his older brother. But dad was sleeping while this little boy was playing outside with my DD and the other kids.

Once I went to the kitchen and when I returned, this boy was in our living room. DD and the other kids were still outside playing. I always keep the door slightly ajar when she plays outside and I stay in the living room so that I can keep and eye on her. This little boy had sneaked inside through the open door. Then he asked for some juice, which I offed him and then he made himself quite comfortable on our couch.

Then, DD finished playing outside and came in as it was her dinner time. Today was her school trip so she was shattered. I asked this boy whether his mom is at home and he said no, his dad was asleep and mom was out with brother. I waited for about 20 minutes, they played games on the ipad. Then I told him that after one more game I will drop him home as my DD is tired and needs an early bed time. Then he said that he can go by himself and went.

When I told this to DH he said that I shouldn't have sent him home and that he's on,y a little kid and that I should have let him stay at ours till his mom came back. But I didn't know wha time she'll be back.

AIBU to have ant him home?

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 30/06/2015 22:00

In what way is the boy's mother being irresponsible? For daring to leave her child with its father?

cashewnutty · 30/06/2015 22:01

hibbledibble I say this gently and without derision (and obviously i don't know where you live or what kind of area or street you are in) but i think it is also a little sad that you won't let your DD out to play alone at 5 and are not thinking she can do this for many years. You see, in my opinion, children learn best from getting a bit of unsupervised time to play, make mistakes and learn from interacting with the environment around them. Wrapping kids in cotton wool is harmful too. I suspect we have very different thresholds - and i say this as a mum who allowed her children out to play from a fairly early age - rather than a social worker.

Iliveinalighthousewith2friendl · 30/06/2015 22:03

What got me though, Tatty was her unwise choice of words. Not interested if a SW is not interested in children. What hope do they have.
It is beyond bad parenting. If the child wAs unsupervised in the house anything could have happened to him.

Zebda · 30/06/2015 22:10

I cannot imagine a place where 3 year olds play on the street unsupervised, and parents of other children dont watch over them, and this is considered to be OK. Then again I live in London, where no children play out alone, so what do I know?

Still, even if I try and imagine some rural utopia where there are no cars on the street, and no strangers likely to turn up at all, not to mention 3 year olds who can fend for themselves, this is still unfathomable to me, and OP I find it truly shocking that you did not ensure the parent at home was awake and able to care for the child before you handed over.

I do know for certain that I would take care of a neighbour's 3 yo child in the situation described above if their parent was indisposed for any reason...

hibbledibble · 30/06/2015 22:16

cashew my dd plays outside lots. She plays in the playground every day after preschool with her friends if weather permits, and has lots of friends on the street too. She is very sociable and popular.

I don't hover over her in the playground, but equally I think lots of eyebrows would be raised if I left her in the playground and went home.

We live in central London, in what might be called an edgy area. If I lived in a rural area I might feel different, but I still feel that she is too young at the moment.

cashewnutty · 30/06/2015 22:19

I am not 'Not interested' in children. Quite the opposite actually. I care passionately about protecting children. This, to me, is just a non event.

Also, I work in an area with many small rural towns where children play freely in the street a lot. Maybe things are different in big cities. I have no experience of inner city life.

tattychicken · 30/06/2015 22:20

With the greatest respect Lighthouse, I think you are over estimating the capacity, resources and power of a SW. And I do truly believe that pretty much all SWs working with children are " interested" in children.

But if you do have concerns about the child, report it to SS. It can help build a picture.

ScorpioMermaid · 30/06/2015 22:26

I dont let my 8 and 9 year old boys play out on the street or wherever never mind my 7 and 5 year old. no way would i let a 3 year old. im shocked.

Iliveinalighthousewith2friendl · 30/06/2015 22:40

Cash I get SS is under funded, which I also get is not your fault, there is only so much anyone can do, but a child of 3 being in the house unsupervised is to me 1,000000 miles from being a non event,

cashewnutty · 30/06/2015 22:43

Dad was in the house. He wasn't unsupervised or alone.

TheReluctantCountess · 30/06/2015 22:43

You did the right thing.

oddfodd · 30/06/2015 23:01

Why wouldn't you let 8 and 9 year olds play out scorpio?

selly24 · 30/06/2015 23:04

Did you really just send the 3 year old into a house without checking who, if anyone, was there? He said his dad was having a sleep, but he's a 3yo ffs.... His dad could have been unconscious for you all knew, or he could have been making things up (my 4 yo often tells all sorts of tales). If so, I'm afraid you're nearly as irresponsible as the dad imo.

You took the words right out of my mouth flashbangandgone!

selly24 · 30/06/2015 23:06

**It's not your problem nor your responsibility, but I highly disagree. Children's safety and well being is everyone's responsibility.
Absolutely correct!

ReginaBlitz · 30/06/2015 23:54

Fuck me I'm shocked by the comments from a sw on this thread! It's discusting that. 3 year old can leave the house un noticed, he could be knocked over, taken, anything can happen.
I would knock on the door tomorrow and be telling the mother.

Iliveinalighthousewith2friendl · 01/07/2015 00:07

You're not the only one Regina. Who is shocked.
I would appauled at anyone saying a child left alone is a non event. Let alone an SW, but according to cash. That doesn't matter because his dad wAs still there even though. He was a sleep. And this women is paid to protect children. You can't pick And choose what you seem to be a non event.
I am in no way comparing but I will say this. It is this this sort of blasae attitude from SW that cost poor baby Peter his life.

cashewnutty · 01/07/2015 07:53

I have time now to give a more detailed response.

With SW it is about assessing risks (immediate and future), looking at patterns of behaviour and having a proportionate response.

From what OP has said this is the first time this has happened. Usually mum comes and gets the wee one when he is at her house. OP has popped the child home and admits she should have checked all was okay but she didn't. That can't be undone. OP has accepted that she should have a word with the child's mum just to make her aware of what happened. This would be the correct, proportionate response in this case.

Should this keep happening and there are other factors of concern (child asking for food, child looking unhappy/unkempt/covered in bruises etc) then we are looking at increased risks and patterns of behaviour. This would warrant a referral to SW.

A one off event such as was described,without OP raising any other concerns would be low priority if it was referred.

Comparing this scenario to baby Peter is absolutely disproportionate. There are no comparisons to be made at all.

Iliveinalighthousewith2friendl · 01/07/2015 07:56

Please read again, Cash. I said I am in no way comparing.

cashewnutty · 01/07/2015 08:08

Well why mention it?

If you are talking about attitude then i think you will find the SW in this case were not blasé, just over worked and under supervised. Lessons have been learned and practice tightened up.

I am not blasé either. I take my job seriously and am aware of the responsibility i have.

I actually don't mind having disagreements on here about the role of SW because i think sometimes people are mistaken in what we do. We are not a front line resource like Police/ambulance/fire etc. We have to respond using a priority system in a planned way.

Anyway, must go and get ready to get off to work. Have a good day all.

firesidechat · 01/07/2015 08:08

I'm sorry but father asleep inside house and child outside playing does not equal supervision. 3 year olds do not have sufficient road sense or concept of danger to be allowed to wander in this way.

I appreciate that this isn't abuse and on the same scale as other cases, but it is neglect. Anything could have happened to him and I'm not even thinking about abduction. It was an accident waiting to happen.

MandyCC · 01/07/2015 08:37

Quite shocked by SW's response and can assure you in my area/job SS would take it very seriously that a 3 year old was out unsupervised and would certainly act on that. Its odd how he let himself into your house alone and asked you for a drink rather than popping home. He was obviously at your house a while and no parent "supervising" came to check that was ok.

ScorpioMermaid · 01/07/2015 11:03

oddfodd I live between 2 main roads (one links to a ring road at the bottom) they go to the park with their older sisters 12 & 13 but not by themselves.

Original poster
Ironfloor · 01/07/2015 14:20

Thanks for all your responses.

A few things need to be clarified. I know this child's family well enough to know that there is no abuse or neglect going on. Maybe a momentary lapse in supervision on the part of the father. Unless I'm incredibly naive to miss the signs, I'm pretty sure of that.

This little boy is very familiar with our house. As I've mentioned before, he has spent numerous afternoons playing with DD in our house while the mom took the older son for tuition. And on most of those days, he has eaten and drunk in our house, juice beings favourite of his. Which is why he'd have asked for juice, not because he is not fed at home.

There's a general blurring of boundaries with this family. If the situation was reversed and if DD walked into their house, they'll let her stay for as long as she liked and not be in a hurry to send her back home. Which I don't like. I love to have play dates which are arranged ahead of time with both parents (myself and his mom) but I dislike just wandering into each other's houses, inconveniencing everyone.

That is the reason why I took him back home. I realise now that I should have handed him I've to his dad, which I will do next time.

Thanks for your input. I wouldn't have realised the gravity of the situation until I posted on here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ironfloor · 01/07/2015 17:19

I have an update. I spoke to the boy's mom and apparently the father was not aware that he was playing outside. The father had thought that the boy was playing in the next room. She didn't say anything about him being asleep, but I assume he would have been because otherwise he would have noticed the boy's absence. After all, he spent a good 45 minutes at least playing with DD outside and then another 20 minutes or so inside our house.

So anyway, the boy has been given a stern lecture about never going outside without telling his parents again. I doubt it'll happen again because this was the first time and his parents don't generally encourage playing outside.

OP posts:
Selks · 01/07/2015 23:44

Well done for letting the parents know, OP. Hopefully they will supervise him better now. They still should not be letting him play out unsupervised at that age though IMO.