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Original poster

to ask if you have had a miscarriage what you did....... (could be upsetting sorry)

52 replies

nousernameinspiration · 30/06/2015 16:44

I don't mean to upset or offend anyone but am after some advice.

I had a miscarriage at home last week and caught the pregnancy sac and contents in a tiny pot as I wasn't sure if i wanted to see it or not. (got the pot advice from one of the mc threads on mumsnet)

I don't know what to do with it now :(

I don't want to flush it down the loo but I don't want to keep it either.
I don't even know if i want to look at it in detail. I am a bit freaked by what I might see, but i sort of feel i "should" have a look in case i can see the tiny foetus.

I know I could take it up to the hospital for them to cremate it but it all seems so impersonal as I imagine it being chucked in a "babywaste" bin :(

I read somewhere that some people suggested burying it... i am terrified a cat might dig it up or something.

I sort of wish I'd just flushed at the time but was so full of emotion.

I'm sorry if this is a bit of a weird thing to post... I think I have over-thought it!

OP posts:
elliejjtiny · 30/06/2015 19:29

I caught the first one in my hand, in the shower, well I think I did. Scan showed an empty sac and what I passed and caught was a huge clot, about the size of my fist. I was so scared I thought my womb had fallen out. I scooped it into a nappy sack and put it in the bin as I was worried about it blocking the toilet.

2nd one was an ERPC. Missed miscarriage diagnosed at the dating scan (13 weeks) but baby had died at 9 weeks. I wasn't sure whether to look afterwards. Asked the nurse to look for me and then tell me what it looked like. She said it was in a little bag and I knew I didn't want to see it like that so I gave the nurse a little blanket I had knitted and she put it in the bag with the baby for me. I chose to have the baby buried with other babies miscarried that month. We were allowed to go and it was a lovely service with the hospital chaplain and a man from the crematorium. The chaplain said to me that she'd had miscarriages herself.

elliejjtiny · 30/06/2015 19:30

Forgot to add that I'm so sorry for your loss.

OTheHugeManatee · 30/06/2015 20:10

Sorry for your loss Sad I had a mc recently, passed the sac while actually at the hospital for a scan so showed it to them and they disposed of it. I briefly wondered if I'd rather have buried it in the garden or something but tbh it was quite early (9wks) and I just wanted to recover and move on.

I don't think there is a right or wrong though.

andadietcoke · 30/06/2015 20:17

I miscarried in Tunisia. I felt the sac fall going into the toilet. I had no san-pro and was travelling back with wads of Liz Earle muslins in my knickers. I put it in the sanitary bin. I'm still haunted by it. I can't believe I did that, but I wasn't thinking straight at all.

MyGastIsFlabbered · 30/06/2015 20:17

I had a miscarriage at home, I just had a gut feeling when I passed the sac and I flushed it down the loo. I've always regretted it. The pregnancy was only about 9 weeks on so it was tiny, but I still feel guilty. I've since gone on to have another baby but I still think about the one I didn't carry to term. Sorry for your loss.

aurorie11 · 30/06/2015 20:20

I also buried the sac in the garden. Sorry this has happened to you

Bubbles71 · 30/06/2015 20:23

So sorry for your loss OP.

I miscarried at 16 weeks and ended up cradling my baby in my hands for a while before going to hospital. I couldn't get the image of her out of my mind for ages (she was tiny but perfectly formed) but with hindsight I'm glad I did.

In my case a post mortem was carried out to find the cause of the miscarriage and as part of that I was given the option of donating her body for research, which I did. I agree with others that if I had buried her in the garden I would have found it difficult if I then had to move. I felt happy that something positive might come out of such a distressing and sad situation.

catsmother · 30/06/2015 20:37

Sorry for all of you who've experienced this.

I've had 4 miscarriages - from 8 to 12 weeks. The first time I passed it all on the examination table at hospital and, I have to say, the male doctor was extremely kind and sympathetic and explained how it could be cremated with a little service if I wanted. I declined, because I wasn't religious but appreciated him telling me and admit, with hindsight I might have felt better had I taken that idea up rather than (I suppose) condemning it to clinical waste.

Like many others, the next two were at home and I also planted them in large pots ... my thinking was that they'd 'nourish' (in some small measure) the plants above, so it wasn't a complete waste. I did look and although I was terribly upset generally about what had happened, I wasn't upset per se at what I saw - they were still part of me.

The last one was all a bit traumatic as I miscarried over a few days at the same time I was back and forth to the vets with a very ill cat. I lost it there in the vet's loo just before having to have my cat PTS and wasn't really in a position to recover it. Awful day - felt knocked for six and felt very guilty about leaving it 'behind'.

There is of course no right or wrong ..... whatever you feel comfortable with is right for you.

nigelslaterfan · 30/06/2015 20:40

Huge empathy to you.

I miscarried at around 12 weeks around 9 years ago. I have no idea what was what in all the grimness of the process.

I would try not to rush to any decisions which you don't have to make.

It is such an awful painful process.

Be as gentle with yourself as possible. mn was a huge support to me at the time. I don't know how people cope without that kind of community.

MagicalHamSandwich · 30/06/2015 20:45

MC at 9 weeks. All down the loo, I'm afraid.

It didn't really occur to me to do anything else about it, TBH. Much to busy freaking out at the time.

BakingBunty · 30/06/2015 21:13

I MC twice in quick succession, one down loo and one surgically managed. We were invited to a service for cremated remains, I didn't feel up to going but DH did and took great comfort from it even though he isn't religious. I really like the idea of planting in a pot.
We sponsored a child as a way of remembering. I still think about the babies I've lost every single day, but I also take comfort from the fact that baby DD wouldn't be here without them. Hope that doesn't sound too weird!

TooManyMochas · 30/06/2015 21:24

2nd one was an ERPC. Missed miscarriage diagnosed at the dating scan (13 weeks) but baby had died at 9 weeks. I wasn't sure whether to look afterwards. Asked the nurse to look for me and then tell me what it looked like. She said it was in a little bag and I knew I didn't want to see it like that so I gave the nurse a little blanket I had knitted and she put it in the bag with the baby for me. I chose to have the baby buried with other babies miscarried that month. We were allowed to go and it was a lovely service with the hospital chaplain and a man from the crematorium. The chaplain said to me that she'd had miscarriages herself

I had an ERPC in pretty much identical circumstances and had no idea that was an option Sad. It would've meant a lot. As it was the 'productions of conception' (the official term) were just disposed of as surgical waste. I regret not having a 'burial place'. I would say bury it, but think about where (ie garden might be hard if you move later)

GoulashSoup · 30/06/2015 21:31

OP so sorry you are in this position. I went for a scan on the 20th and was told there was no hb. I was warned what may happen if I naturally mc before a surgery date was available. DH and I had long chats about what to do if we were in your position, I really didn't want to flush, and DH was sure he didn't want to look. Any fetal material at our local hospital is taken for woodland burial. I thought about buring at home but we plan to move in the next year and I also worry about animals digging things up so I probably would have taken it in to the hospital. Also I think they check the placenta for molar/partial mole. I really like the plant pot idea as that can move with you. In the end my surgery got brought forward to last Friday and so mine will be on its way to a woodland somewhere.

Sorry for the rambling post, I hope you can find a solution that will help you find peace with the situation.

GoulashSoup · 30/06/2015 21:36

You could phone your local EPU and ask for more information about what the options are there. Sometimes they don't discuss 'disposal' (sorry that seems such a horrible word here, but I can't think what else to use) options in detail unless you ask as it can be distressing.

MrsSpencerReid · 30/06/2015 21:38

I buried it in a plant pot with a rose in, but the rose died and my partner threw it away as he had no idea why I'd been keeping a dead plant!! It went into the garden waste bin which gets turned into compost so in my head some keen gardener has used the compost for beautiful flowers. In hindsight I prob should have just flushed but once it was in a pot I couldn't!!

Mawsymoo · 30/06/2015 22:29

Sorry for your loss Flowers

I had a D&C with my first so that was buried. With my second I actually passed the sac in the work toilets. I had been bleeding on and off for a week and was due in for a D&C the following day. I was having bad cramps that day and I went to the loo and passed it. I didn't fish it out but I looked - just not too closely. I didn't know what to do but I just decided I'd better flush as I had no way to transport it home. I never told anyone this before - even DH, so I suppose I feel a bit guilty about flushing, but I did what I needed to do to cope at the time.

Missdread · 30/06/2015 22:47

I'm so sorry to hear you've gone through this OP...it is the most awful experience and sadly, far too many of us have gone through it. My DH got me a ring of the birthstone of the little one, had it made it to the end. It was and still is a nice way of remembering xx

Nonie241419 · 30/06/2015 22:57

I didn't catch any of mine, I had a lot of clots each time which disguised the sacs. In your situation, I'd do what PPs have said and bury the sac in a pot.
I'm sorry for your loss.

Brummiegirl15 · 30/06/2015 23:16

I'm so sorry for your loss - I've had 3 mc's. One was natural at only 5 weeks and the other 2 were ERPCs as I was too frightened to do it at home.

I feel sad though that I've not done anything to remember them but I love the idea of sponsoring a child. My 3rd due date is approaching - 7th August and I'd like to do something

Flowers to you OP and everyone else who has gone through this

Silverturnip · 30/06/2015 23:19

I had a MMC at 9 weeks and the sac came out at home and I flushed. The fetal pole re absorbed at it had stopped growing at about 5-7 weeks. I take comfort in that. If I had a choice I would have liked to have kept it and planted it in a pot, but I just did what I did.

TheseAreTheDays · 30/06/2015 23:35

Sorry for your loss. I had a second trimester miscarriage, it was discovered at hospital appointment, then I was given meds to take and told to come back in 48 hours for next set of meds and to have the baby. I felt my waters break at home after about 36 hours, went to the bathroom and had him there. He did fall in but I scooped him out and brought to the hospital. For me I'm glad I did, he was a perfect little baby just very tiny, and I got to see and hold him, then they did tests to determine the reason, and then we buried him in local cemetery. It's different for everyone, so definitely think carefully about it either way so that you don't regret either seeing it or not.

magpiedreams · 30/06/2015 23:45

Sorry for your loss OP and other posting here.

i would suggest going with your gut feeling and not doing what you think might be the 'right' or acceptable thing to do.
I passed a perfectly formed foetus following mmc at 13w, foetus was 9w. I really, really wanted to take a picture of it but thought that it was a weird thing to want to do so didn't. It went for pathology testing at the hospital and then cremated. But to this day I bitterly regret not having a photo, weird as that would be for perhaps most people it would've been the right thing for me and I should've listened to my gut instinct.

aironacheesestring · 30/06/2015 23:54

Mine would have gone as medical waste I suppose. I think it was sort of hooked out by the doctor when I went in with a MMC at 11 weeks or so.

I haven't really thought till now about it but even if it had been flushed or incinerated I think I'd try to think of it as the atoms returning to the sea or to the air. Even the ones that aren't under beautiful plants have still gone back into the life of the planet somewhere.

BlueStarsAtNight · 01/07/2015 00:00

I'm sorry for your loss, and for everyone else who's gone through this.
I miscarried at 10 weeks, having seen the foetus alive at a scan at 8+5. They told me my bleeding was due to a haematoma in the uterus and could continue throughout the pregnancy, so I carried on as normally I could even thought he bleeding was getting worse. I ended up passing 2 massive fist sized clots in the work toilets, and I'm sure that was it, but I couldn't see anything specific as there was too much blood. The thing that upsets me most about it is that it came out in the horrible work toilets and had to be flushed away there, rather than in my own toilet at home. I think I'd have still flushed, but I'd rather it had been a nicer place for it.

Original poster
nousernameinspiration · 01/07/2015 08:43

I'm really overwhelmed at the responses thank you. It also makes me feel less "weird" about my feelings. I told DP this morning that I'd kept it in a pot and he was lovely but just said he wished I'd told him. I thought he'd think I was strange.

I do like the idea of a plant but I am a terrible gardener. When I had an ectopic I planted something in memory and it died! What is easy to grow and keep alive?!

Also - would i put the sac in a little box or just straight in the earth? Does it decompose? I have always hated the thought of burials etc when I have been to funerals and found the idea of cremation much easier but i know if the hospital cremates the remains they don't give them back.

Thanks to everyone on this thread for your kindness and for sharing your personal stuff. Flowers for you and i hope your stories have had happy endings even though I know the babies who didn't make it are never forgotten

OP posts: