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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to want a break?

56 replies

Jdee41 · 29/06/2015 16:37

Hi all,

Working dad posting here. I work full-time and DW works PT; we have two pre-school DCs. We agreed when DC1 was born that DW would go part-time as I was the higher earner, but that I would sort out a flexible working pattern to have days home in the week (I discussed WFH but my manager wasn't happy with me doing this for childcare).

Anyway, we have been through a few different versions of this, and at the moment I am using a day's holiday every week to stay at home, and we make other arrangements for the other day DW is at work. This is a better set up than compressing hours, which I tried for three years and ended up with me very nearly being signed off with depression (I am currently six months into a course of ADs after that conversation with the doctor).

Basically, the problem is that because of this I haven't had more than a day away from work (not counting public hols) for years. The last time I had any proper time out of the office was compassionate leave after a bereavement. I've recently taken on much more responsibility, and feel like I could do with some breathing space. I'm just wondering what everyone thinks, and if anyone else is in a similar situation? Is this something that I just have to put up with for the moment?

OP posts:

FunkyPeacock · 29/06/2015 21:45

YANBU to be fed up with effectively having no holiday and going to work 4 days a week all year with no additional days off other than bank hols

I hope you can find a solution

Skinnydecafflatte · 29/06/2015 21:54

Hi, I get thats its hard, I have 2 DC, one 5.5 and one nearly two, I also work as a childminder as that was the only way I could bring in money and cover childcare. (Couldn't afford childcare for two and no family around to help). Unfortunately with young children there is no let up. I am desperate for me time as I always have young children about and would love 5 minutes peace to have a cuppa or read or go to the loo in peace. My husband has,been studying for the last year and so even at weekends I would have my own two to entertain all weekend. I found myself out in the garden at 5.30am reading for an hour the other weekend as that was the only time I could get to myself.

You say that your wife can use her annual leave as she wishes but surely if she is on annual leave then that means she is looking after your DC and you don't have to use a days holiday? So in effect she doesn't get any time to herself either?

I do feel for you as I have felt really desperate this last year having no time for doing what I want/need to do, but does your wife really have it any easier?

It will seem easier when one is at school though

Original poster

Jdee41 · 29/06/2015 21:55

Thanks to all for your replies. I wouldn't be without them, but it sounds like I'm not alone in finding this stage a bit 'trying'! ;-)

OP posts:

Original poster

Jdee41 · 29/06/2015 22:03

skinnydecafflatte

You're totally right, but it's not really time 'to myself' I'm after, but time away from work, just to be able to put work aside for a couple of weeks. Work has been very stressful for a long while, so I think I could have benefitted from a break at some point.

I don't think either of us has it easier. We split the household chores more or less 50:50, or as near as dammit. DW obviously has the bulk of the childcare, though.

OP posts:

MrsDeVere · 29/06/2015 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cestlavielife · 29/06/2015 22:17

Instead of taking a day leave per week you go onto 80 per cent contract ie four days per week meaning you get 80 % pay but 80 % paid holiday too.

whois · 29/06/2015 22:53

Instead of taking a day leave per week you go onto 80 per cent contract ie four days per week meaning you get 80 % pay but 80 % paid holiday too.

OP has said they can't afford the pay cut.

Iggi999 · 29/06/2015 23:12

Have you checked (you probably have) exactly what your 4day a week salary would be? If not, use a net salary calculator to see - you might be surprised how little you lose for your fifth day of work after tax.

I live for my holidays: I couldn't do what you're doing it sounds really hard.

Original poster

Jdee41 · 30/06/2015 11:26

I haven't checked this, but I know it would be too much of a hit. I took a very slight hit to my pay earlier this year and that has left things very tight.

Feeling a bit better about things this morning thanks to the helpful replies. I guess everyone has tough times when the DCs are very young and it's just a question of making the best of it.

OP posts:

jay55 · 30/06/2015 13:03

Is there anyone in your rural community who could swap a days care with you?

Original poster

Jdee41 · 30/06/2015 13:57

We get help from family one day a week. I think we'd struggle to find anyone else in the position to help, or who we'd be comfortable asking

OP posts:

addictedtosugar · 30/06/2015 14:15

Is there anywhere near either of your work places that would offer the 15 hrs funded childcare? It doesn't need to be at home.

I agree that compressed hours to work a 4 day week is really tough. I'm currently working 2 weeks worth of hours in 9 days, and getting a day off a week. Could that work?

How long til the youngest goes to school? I know your not going to want to hear this, but we found school harder than childcare - but then if you currently have only one day's childcare a week, maybe the change won't be so great.

Is there anyway you have space for an au pair? Then you could potentially work from home one day a week, having the au pair doing the bulk of the childcare, but you also being present incase of being needed, but actually getting some work done?

If DW is at home 3 days a week, cannot most of the cleaning be done during the week, rather than waiting for the weekend. I know it is slow with little people helping, but its not impossible. Or, and I know this is seen as the answer to everything on Mumsnet, but for us it really has made a difference (both working fulltime) is finding ?20/week for a cleaner. Means the weekends are free for us, as we get online shopping delivered one evening, and a clean house. Means weekends are for pleasure (or one parent removing kids from the house all day to allow DIY to be done by the other).

Original poster

Jdee41 · 30/06/2015 16:27

Either an au pair or a cleaner would be out of the question (again, due to money and location).

DW does most of the hoovering and basic cleaning during the week, and I do the bulk of the laundry on my day home with the DCs, so at the weekend I do stuff about the house (cut the grass, little fix-up jobs, that kind of thing), do the week's ironing and cook the weekend meals (and usually one for the freezer to be eaten during the week).

OP posts:

britnay · 30/06/2015 16:49

Cut the ironing down. Hang things up as soon as washed should keep most things sufficiently flat.
Your eldest will be in school in September? How old is youngest? Is there a nursery near the school to drop youngest off at same time?

Iggi999 · 30/06/2015 19:10

Anything that has been suggested as been unsuitable so I think it is just going to be down to sticking it out till school starts.
Your division of housework doesn't sound very equitable but then again, I haven't seen your dw's list!

addictedtosugar · 30/06/2015 19:30

Been thinking about you this afternoon.

I thought that that since you work 5 days a week, and DW 2 days, that should be the split of days required to cover the day a week needed. So, you take 5 days holiday to cover 5 weeks, and then she takes 2. Doesn't need to be fixed like that, butbfor every 7 weeks, you should only need to cover 5 days.

Also, and this will come down to money again, could you afford to take a weeks parental leave (needs to be in a block of a week, and is unpaid) to let you have a week off, whilst using your paid holiday to cover the day a week.

This is going to sound really tough, but if there is NO spare money anywhere, you really need to look at the viability of your household. I don't think the current pattern, especially given your previous experience with compressed hpurs, is viable for at least the next year until your youngest goes to school.

I hope you find a solution. It's really tough.

Original poster

Jdee41 · 30/06/2015 19:42

Anything that has been suggested as been unsuitable so I think it is just going to be down to sticking it out till school starts.

I know it looks like I'm being a bit contrary or woe-is-me given the very helpful responses, but we do live in what can only be described as the 'arse end of nowhere'! ;)

I think sticking it out is the way to go. I was on a bit of a low yesterday so just wanted to see what others thought. As I said, DW and I tend not to get too far when we discuss this.

Your division of housework doesn't sound very equitable but then again, I haven't seen your dw's list!

I've never really felt this to be a problem. I've never understood how a household can work if you don't share things. It's just the issue of never getting any breathing space from work that is an issue.

OP posts:

Iggi999 · 30/06/2015 19:52

Move? Only half joking. Where you live seems to limit your opportunities massively and may not be that great for your dcs growing up.

Iggi999 · 30/06/2015 19:54

Look I work part-time and have twelve weeks holidays a year. I'm still knackered most of the time. I genuinely couldn't do what you're doing.

fiveofcups · 30/06/2015 19:58

So you work 4 days a week, your DW two and you get one day a week where family helps.
Maybe I am being thick here- but what is the problem?
Even if you work 5 days a week that still give you 2 days ( your days off) 5 days of your wifes and one day of family care.

That adds up to 8 days a week of childcare/adults at home.

I struggle to see the issue.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 30/06/2015 20:04

Not thick, just not reading it properly.

OP has zero chance of a holiday, because using holiday for childcare.

fiveofcups · 30/06/2015 20:07

I understand that bit- I just don't see why he has to. With 8 days a week of childcare from 3 sources why does he need to use a day's holiday?

petalunicorn · 30/06/2015 20:15

We do a version of what you do and it means we have no time off together but it's time limited (until youngest is at school) so we suck it up. What really helps is to do all the chores in the evenings so that weekends are genuinely free time. It's not much fun but it's worth it.

In your situation I would either move, compromising on space and area to minimise costs as much as possible or find childcare near the school for the younger one and make sure you and your wife are working during school hours as much as possible, but that's easy for me to say. I agree that it doesn't always get easier with school starting - what are your plans for pick ups and holidays?

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 30/06/2015 20:17

8 days of childcare?

No where do I get that

fiveofcups · 30/06/2015 20:18

In a similar situation all the housework was done by whoever was at home with the kids.
THat left evenings free and holiday leave intact.

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