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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell her I don't want her to be my bridesmaid now?

53 replies

PeonyPivoine · 29/06/2015 09:25

I suspect IABU but I need confirmation either way.

DH and I are already legally married, but we did so abroad and now that we are living in the UK we are planning on having a sort of wedding/reception for all the guests who couldn't travel to us at the end of August, which is the vast majority of my family and friends.

When we got engaged in 2011 my friend asked if she could be a bridesmaid during a trip back to the UK. She caught me off guard and I said yes without thinking it through. We have been friends since sixth form but I left the UK as soon as A levels finished and have only seen her once per year at my instigation. She has shown no interest in my life since then and it has very much me keeping the friendship going IYSWIM. She has always relied on me for advice and a shoulder to cry on when things with men/friends go tits up but never even managed to remember my now DHs name or the name of the country I was living in. She didn't want to come to our actual wedding as it would have meant travelling alone.

Last year DH and I moved back to my home town and now live less than a mile away from her, I have seen her only twice-both at my suggestion. The last time was in January when she was eager to confirm I still wanted her as "bridesmaid". Since then she has spoken to me on the phone on numerous occasions only when she's fallen out with someone or wanted to bitch about a former classmate of ours. (Who she was very recently BM for at her wedding). She has made it very clear for that wedding that she wanted to be BM for the sake of it, rather than because she likes our former classmate. Recently she has not been replying to my emails and calls and says she is busy when I try and arrange to meet up, after suggesting she lets me know when she's free I hear nothing.

The reception is in less than two months and I'm not even sure if I want her there at all. Tell me I'm being petulant but I'm really just tired of always making the effort with her and trying to force the friendship when it is so one sided unless she needs someone.

AIBU to tell her I don't need her as a BM? (How would I even word this??) I've lovely, supportive friends that I didn't ask because she had already asked me.

OP posts:

pictish · 29/06/2015 10:03

Oh.

Original poster

PeonyPivoine · 29/06/2015 10:03

I think she has this strange idea that she needs to be a bridesmaid a certain number of times before she can be a bride

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 29/06/2015 10:05

Bloody tell her the truth, that she never bothers with you, does not contact you, and doesent even remember your fiance's name fgs. Be strong.

pictish · 29/06/2015 10:08

Gaaah this sort of stuff - so awkward. You'll just have to tell her you're only having two and they will be your sister and your closest friend. If she pushes it or gets huffy don't placate her...she's got no business forcing this.

honeyroar · 29/06/2015 10:09

Just tell her (if you hear from her at all!) that you kept trying to arrange stuff and she could never make it, so you've decided to just have two closer bridesmaids. If she pushes tell her that you were ringing her two months ago to arrange fittings and she never got back to you - tell her that the dresses for the others are ordered and it's too late now to order more.

pictish · 29/06/2015 10:12

If push comes to shove you'll have to be honest. You don't hear from her, all the effort comes from you unless she wants to talk about her problems and you feel closer to your sister and your friend.
You might lose her over this but meh...you don't sound too bothered about that. Never mind what her mum thinks either.

CainInThePunting · 29/06/2015 10:16

She has effectively ruled herself out of the arrangements by not returning your calls/emails. As a pp mentioned, ripping the plaster off is what's needed.
Be assertive but not rude, just make sure she realises that not responding to your attempts to contact her has made it impossible for you to include her in the arrangements.
Being BM is about more than turning up on the day, snogging the best man and catching the bouquet.
Perhaps it will give her a necessary wake up call.

BonnieNoClyde · 29/06/2015 10:20

I would send an email like ghoulwithadragontatoo suggests. Tht is perfect.

Send it now and then get used to the idea so that by the time the wedding comes, the awkwardness has gone You don't want to be thinking about it.

Original poster

PeonyPivoine · 29/06/2015 10:24

Looks like I need to grow some balls then

OP posts:

teacherlikesapples · 29/06/2015 10:35

I wouldn't worry about what her parents think of you. If they are decent people, they will judge you on your character, and they will probably know exactly what their daughter is like.

From what you were saying about her character, she is probably already bad-mouthing you for nothing anyway (Since she had plenty to say to you about her friends wedding) I can guarantee you are worrying far more about her well-being & feelings than she is about yours.

She sounds toxic. I would just remove her from the bridal party, and think no more about it. Enjoy your day! :)

Original poster

PeonyPivoine · 29/06/2015 10:45

Thank you!

I won't let her know today (it's her birthday) but I think I'll email her along the lines of what ghoul suggested, thanking her for the offer but that I'm restructuring the arrangements a bit and won't require her to attend in a bridesmaid capacity.

OP posts:

Y0la · 29/06/2015 10:48

maybe start the email with 'i hope you had something nice planned for your birthday?'.

that peony knew nothing about

Hoppinggreen · 29/06/2015 10:50

She's not going to take it well and will probably slag you off to her mum and anyone else who will listen so you are going to have to accept that -or let her be a Bridesmaid.
I would go with option 1, you don't really like her or have mutual friends so who cares ?

pictish · 29/06/2015 11:02

Hi Xxxx

Blah blah small talk yadda yadda etc.

Anyway, I thought I should let you know that for the upcoming reception, I have decided to keep it to two; my sister and (friend). I won't request you to fill a bridesmaid's role any more. I appreciate that you offered though...thank you.

Blah blah etc

Peony.

pictish · 29/06/2015 11:04

keep the bridesmaids to two... gah

pictish · 29/06/2015 11:05

and require ffs

Edit facilty - when are they going to cave in and provide one?

Wheredidiputthekeys · 29/06/2015 11:05

Just tell her the truth.

Just tell her, via email, so no ambiguities, that the celebration is not a wedding per se, you are already married, your arrangements have changed, you only need two bridesmaids (although what their function is at a non wedding is unclear), thank her for her kind offer, hope she can make the celebration.

She asked to be a bridesmaid, you didn't offer, and only agreed because you were put on the spot. It really is that simple. You are not responsible for her desire to be a bridesmaid X number of times.

Have a great day, congratulations

pictish · 29/06/2015 11:06

I an writing this while on hold to HMRC tax credits helpline btw.

StayWithMe · 29/06/2015 11:09

I an writing this while on hold to HMRC tax credits helpline btw.

So you'll still be here in a couple if hours then?

Original poster

PeonyPivoine · 29/06/2015 11:25

y0la funnily enough I can see what she did yesterday for her birthday on dreaded FB and what she'll be doing next weekend "with all her friends". I did ask whether she had plans or wanted to do something together to celebrate but was ignored.

I'm leaning towards not giving a shit who she bitches to me about, they aren't people I like either. It just seems a shame to throw away a long friendship but I need to accept that hasn't been my doing.
I don't want somebody there on the day who tries to make it about them, I don't want to look back and wish I hadn't let her be a part of it.

OP posts:

MamanOfThree · 29/06/2015 11:31

The thing is I don't think you have a friendship with that woman. She is at best an acquaintance, ceratinly not a close friend.

I'm getting the feeling you won't miss not hearing from her anymore....

sadsquirrel · 29/06/2015 11:36

why the hell are you even friends with this person?

why don't you just tell her the truth like you've told us
let her fall out with you and not see her anymore?

surely that's best all round

why would you want this fake friend to be any part of your life?

GoEasyPudding · 29/06/2015 13:45

Has she got an official invite for your party yet?

I wouldn't invite her if its not too late!

ArcheryAnnie · 29/06/2015 13:52

If she's not responding to your emails, then you have a let-out right there - put it back on her and say that since she never got back to you, you assumed she was not longer interested and now you've moved on and made other arrangements. She can still come as a guest, if you let her, but don't worry too much if you don't want her there at all.

Whatisaweekend · 29/06/2015 18:43

I think ArcheryAnnie has it spot on. I would go with that and if she queries it then say that the last x times you tried to get in touch with her was to do with wedding arrangements so you just assumed she was no longer interested.

Also, if it is her birthday and she is doing stuff "with all her friends" (that you have seen on FB) what does that make you if you are not included?? She doesnt give a shiney shite about the proper BM role of being there to support and help the bride - its all about her position, her being seen to be important, her dress etc.

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