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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to sell baby stuff rather than give it to SIL

71 replies

STINGYY · 28/06/2015 19:59

I realise this is going to make me really seem really stingy and selfish.

Money is tight and I got most the baby stuff off eBay, the Moses basket, clothes, car seat, gro bags... Most of his stuff really.

SIL has just announced her pregnancy. It wasn't planned and the family is a little disappointed. Everyone has said they'll stand by her but it's not an ideal situation for her. I won't go into detail, this isn't the reason for my AIBU.

My partner has said to keep all our babies clothes and stuff so we can give to her. This is where I might be being unreasonable... I don't want to, I want to sell it on.

I sell his clothes, then I am able to afford to buy more off eBay. I probably could afford to buy new clothes, but it means we wouldn't be able to afford other stuff. We have to budget. I don't want to give away all this baby stuff that I could get some money for, money that we need.
She might not even want his second hand clothes and Moses basket etc and she might have a girl, in which case this is all irrelevant, but I don't see how I can say to partner that I don't want to give them to her, it's going to make me seem so selfish.

Do you think I'm unreasonable?

OP posts:
recyclingbag · 28/06/2015 20:28

Selling stuff on eBay is always more trouble than it's worth. Clothes especially are hard to shift and you get pennies for them.

The bad feeling in not helping her out would not be worth the fiver you would probably get for them.

I was in a similar situation to you (no hand me downs, bought everything myself) however 10 years later it all balances out. I now have a neighbour who gives us cast offs and I have helped a lot of people out with stuff.

Look on eBay and see what you would realistically get for them - you might be surprised.

Sell a few then say she can have the rest on loan.

Pippin16 · 28/06/2015 20:55

i know how you feel (wont go into the ins and outs of my story). Its nice to help but sometimes it puts you at a disadvantage and in that case its not really 'fair'. Also those saying the DP has a say, i would say you and your DP bought these things for your son, therefore technically you could say they belong to him. He needs new things, he can get these new things if he (through you) sell his old stuff on, so its not unreasonably to sell rather than gift. That said as PP have said i'd pick out some token gender neutral bits to give (doesn't have to be the best condition stuff) and sell the rest- on local facebook sites though. IME it sells better on there.

FenellaFellorick · 28/06/2015 20:59

What about saying to him "our children need X. It will cost Y. I was going to sell this stuff to pay for it. If you want to give it to SIL then you will need to buy X for our children instead of me buying it from the sale of these things. Because they need X and not buying it is not an option"

I mean, they're his kids too. If they need something, they need it. If you are that broke that you need to sell this stuff then something is wrong here. He doesn't get to say well, I pay the mortgage so if you can't buy it, our children go without. He's not a wanker, I'm assuming. So talk to him about it.

romeomorningwhisky · 28/06/2015 21:12

I found when I had my little one people were ridiculously kind so I always try & pass clothes & stuff on to people or to the charity shop I wouldn't sell it but that's just me.
If a family member needed it I wouldn't even think twice & it's not as if there's much profit in selling baby stuff.
Unless you're really skint & need the money....

Scholes34 · 28/06/2015 21:17

Make it clear that you're happy to lend it, so you have the opportunity to sell it once she's finished with it.

However, even now you'd find it hard to make meaningful money back on the goods compared to what you paid. In time, as a pp has said, you're likely to find yourself in receipt of hand-me-downs from someone else, so it all evens out in the end. Just stop and consider whether the potential bad feeling you may generate is really worth it in the grand scheme of things.

PurpleSwift · 28/06/2015 21:21

while i don't think yabu i couldn't sell it on. I'd give it to family if they were struggling and push through myself.

CSIJanner · 28/06/2015 22:16

^ what Fenella said ^

CrapBag · 28/06/2015 22:23

It's your baby stuff and you are free to do as you wish with it. It's not on that you used your own savings to buy the initial stuff and now your DP wants you to pass sellable stuff to his sister. It's not your responsibility to fund her baby.

I sell my baby stuff because I needed the money. I haven't passed anything on. YANBU. You need the money for the next lot of stuff so do as you have planned.

Kiwiinkits · 28/06/2015 23:28

What goes around comes around. Kindness begets kindness. So if you want people in your life to be kind to you, start out by being kind to them.

You don't have to go over the top, but, she's family. Be kind and your relationship will benefit from it.

WorraLiberty · 28/06/2015 23:34

Dp didn't buy anything. He pays all the bills and puts the food on the table. I'm responsible for clothing the kids and getting the stuff they need

That doesn't mean he shouldn't get a say in this. Unless you'd be happy for him to say to you, "No, you can't have a friend round to dinner. I put the food on the table, so I decided who gets to eat it".

I would do what PP's suggested and compromise.

Sort some out for his sister and sell the rest.

RedandYellow24 · 28/06/2015 23:37

Difficult one because if she does have a boy you could be forever passing down all the clothes for her. I would sell the best stuff and pass on some of the rest. If she's really stuck she should be greatful but if you need to sell them then that's reasonable too.

Anomaly · 28/06/2015 23:41

So your DP hasn't paid for them? Clothing and baby stuff is your responsibility?

I would agree to let SIL have some of it if your DP was willing to contribute the money that those bits would have likely sold on eBay for. Personally I would be fairly honest about the situation to your DP and your SIL if necessary. Presumably she knows you're not rolling in it.

Timetodrive · 28/06/2015 23:53

Imagine if a man wrote that his partner wanted to give her struggling sister some hand me downs and his response was "I buy the clothes so it has nothing to do with her", the responses would be very different. Partnerships work both ways.

RichPetunia · 29/06/2015 00:00

I'd sell the baby clothes etc on EBay, but do it without advertising the fact to the rest of your family.
Anything that doesn't sell you can pass along to SIL.

Cherryblossomsinspring · 29/06/2015 08:33

I was given so much second hand stuff from family and I loved it. We didn't need it financially but I hate waste so was really happy to trawl through boxes of sometimes tired old clothes and make up outfits for the kids. Its been one of the fun things for me. However some people can be very ungrateful, especially for first babies, as they want everything new. So I would suggest to sell some stuff and keep some for SIL. But do make sure she will actually use the stuff. Tell her clearly that if she isn't going to use them you want to sell them on ebay so she understands they aren't just junk to you.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 29/06/2015 08:34

Does your DH know what clothes your DC actually owns? Mine wouldn't have a clue. I think I could easily sell half and give half to SIL without him noticing it wasn't all of them!

MuffMuffTweetAndDave · 29/06/2015 08:45

Unless your baby clothes are from naice brands, you're highly unlikely to make much money flogging them on Ebay. Maybe slightly bigger ticket items like coats and the odd 'occasion' outfit, but otherwise people just don't bother that much. New baby clothes are just so cheap, plus you can often get the same bundles from a local FB selling group without paying postage for them. As a buyer it's a no brainer really.

To keep the peace, I'd be tempted to put together a package of the things that'll be hard to sell- old vests, plain babygros, anything that's a bit bobbly or stained but still got plenty of wear left in it. That type of thing. If DH wants more than this, what fenella said.

lilacblossomtime · 29/06/2015 08:55

It sounds like you are a keen ebayer and know a bit about it? A lot of people aren't and maybe dont know how to find good bargains or sell old stuff to make money. Maybe you could offer to give your SIL a few tips on it (in a friendly way) and offer to look out for any items she may be wanting that come up as bargains and let her know.

19lottie82 · 29/06/2015 09:01

You prob won't get a lot of money for your stuff on ebay tbh. Especially the clothes, bundles don't go for that much.

SpendSpendSpend · 29/06/2015 09:05

I sold all dds clothes last year on ebay. They were size 18-24 months.

I cleared after fees etc £170. None of them was branded clothing just high street like debenhams, m&s etc.

You will be able to sell clothing if you iron it all and present it well in the pictures.

sebsmummy1 · 29/06/2015 09:17

I think there has been a lot of decisions made by your partner's family already regarding SIL. From your post it sounds as though she is young and not in the best position to be having a baby financially. Sometimes in my experience people in the worst position can get pretty hung up on having brand new things and they don't want second hand stuff.

Are you close enough to SIL to have a word with her and see what she wants to do? I would say that you are more than happy to lend her some of your sons stuff but once outgrown you would like it returned in good condition as you need to sell it on to buy further things got your son. She will either say 'not to worry, it's all in hand' or bite your hand off and at least you've explained you would like it back.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 29/06/2015 09:18

I understand where you're coming from. It's a nice thing to help family when you can, however, you also need some money, it just happens that you can make some selling your old baby clothes. Your sil is neither yours nor your husband's job to provide for the new baby, even if you had all the spare money/items going (although, I'm sure you would, in that position). I think it's a fair compromise to offer a few bits, but I wouldn't feel guilty for pointing out that you need money, you have your own family to provide for, and there's only a minimum you are able to do/give. You could also "loan" the items to sil - so say as soon as baby has grown out of given items, that you would like them back to sell. Of course, that's a bit of a gamble, but at least you get best of both worlds really.

Tanith · 29/06/2015 10:09

I gave my daughter's baby stuff to my next door neighbour. Never saw her baby wear any of it, but found out she'd sold it on Ebay.

I could have done with the money myself: she got no more from me ????

slithytove · 29/06/2015 10:10

Yanbu, and I agree this could set a difficult precedent if she has a boy. Will everything be passed to her? Clothes, shoes, toys, buggy, cot?

You paid for them, you need to sell them, to buy more stuff. Why is sils situation any more important than your own.

I hope you can find a way through this.
Also, your situation with DH doest sound great in other ways, are you ok?

Original poster
STINGYY · 29/06/2015 13:53

Thanks for the concerns, everything with dp is great, he doesn't know how much baby stuff costs so I think he just said to give the old stuff to her because she's his sister, he wants to help her (and possibly de clutter and palm off the old stuff to her).
I don't want to give her the Moses basket, car seat or cot though, that's going to be more difficult to explain to him I think. Dp actually wouldn't have a clue what clothes the kids own. I will sort through them once we know what she is having and she can have the non branded stuff.

I sell their clothes on eBay and buy the next size up (I don't think dp even knows this), they don't sell for much, but then at the same time I don't spend much buying the next size up, if you see what I mean.

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