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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Getting ready to blow at the in-laws.

28 replies

holdenmcgroin1979 · 28/06/2015 00:34

I have been with my husband now for 11 years, we have 2 children together and I have 4 from a previous relationship. I have always had a strained relationship with his mother and step father, secretly I think they don't like the fact I speak my mind. They live just round the corner, literally a 5 minute walk yet she never bothers with her grandkids and can go 3 months without seeing them, we never get any support from her. When we first moved in together they offered us no financial help at all. When I was losing our son a few years ago my husband had to beg her to come round and sit with the kids so he could come with me in the ambulance Now here comes the hard part, my sister in law( husbands sister) gets baby sitting done at the drop of a hat, she has had cars bought for her and furniture and carpets bought for her when she got her first place. Is it wrong of me to say I'm angry at the fact my husband and our kids get treated so differently to her and her son? She has a partner so it's not like she's on her own. Our daughter is in the process of being diagnosed with autism and we could do with the support. I don't mind saying we are finding it hard going at the moment and are finding it hard to bite our tongues and not say anything. Am I being unreasonable to say to them they are either in our kids lives or they aren't? If they choose to be then we are gonna need more than 1 visit every 8-9 weeks.

OP posts:

FriendofBill · 28/06/2015 00:40

I think it's up to her who she wants to spend time with and spend money on.

You are understandably jealous but it's none of your business to be frank.

i think it's quite controlling of you to say she has to see them in line with what you think is appropriate or you wl terminate the relationship.

Is that best for the children?
When they get older they will probably check out if the relationship with her (without help from you) if she doesn't make an effort. If you force it you will look like (and be) the bad guy.

hiddenhome · 28/06/2015 00:40

You don't like each other though. You can't expect them to help you if the relationship is strained. You're responsible for your own kids.

karbonfootprint · 28/06/2015 00:52

I agree with previous posters. Her relationship with her daughter is absolutely none of your business, and you have absolutly no claim what so ever over her money or time.

No, you don't give her any sort of ultimatum. Why would you do that.

She is the grandmother of two of your children.

if you have 6 kids living at home with you, I can understand why some people might find visiting you too overwhelming.

Original poster

holdenmcgroin1979 · 28/06/2015 00:53

I just guess I am finding it hard to deal with an upset husband without having to deal with upset kids too. The last time she came to visit my youngest son asked if he could go round to visit one day, she said yes, date and time was arranged. Fast forward three days we turn up as expected to no one being in. Having to explain to a 5 year old that nanna has let him down again is getting harder each time.

OP posts:

PerspicaciaTick · 28/06/2015 01:00

I find that people who "speak their mind" often leave unacknowledged upset and hurt in their wake which makes me wonder what your ILs side of the story would be.
However, rowing with them seems pointless much better to vastly lower your expectations and have as little contact as possible if the contact you do have is upsetting you all.

AuntyMag10 · 28/06/2015 01:03

I too really wonder about their side of the story. You seem to think they owe us but it doesn't work that way.

Collaborate · 28/06/2015 01:04

I can see how you feel as you do. In that regard YANBU. I'd consider, however, just disengaging. If they show so little regard for you and your family, whilst not going NC, perhaps there's no need to make any effort.

SilverBirchWithout · 28/06/2015 01:06

I find people who justify being being as "speaking their Mind" are best avoided which is what your MIL appears to be doing.

Why would you expect her to help you financially when you moved in together, it's not something must grown adults with 4-6 children expect.?

SilverBirchWithout · 28/06/2015 01:07

*being rude NOT being being

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 28/06/2015 01:10

The only way you can deal with them is to step back and though they will be part of your DC lives, don't expect anything of them.

OK they only live 5 minutes away, but they aren't making any effort.
Can your DH take the DC to them so they have contact but you don't need to see them? (i;m sure you are busy with 6DC to look after, you can find a reason not to visit)

I had similar but not as bad with my PILs.

They visited us when DD was born but were more work than I'd have hoped. MIL took DD out in her pram, literally round the block. (PILs looked after BIL/SIL DC from the start so used to babies)
The only contact was when I drove (590+ miles each way) to visit.

FIL wouldn't look after DS for a couple of hours (I was pg) but had other GC there.

They had their other GC overnights, weekends, picked up from school, but complained they didn't see my DC (but made no effort to see them )

I just bit my tongue and counted the hours. I can't change them. I didn't stop the DC seeing them but logistally, it was difficult

Becauseicannes · 28/06/2015 01:11

Don't know why you expect financial help when you moved in together - you are adults! Why not just ask her to support you during this time and whether you can count on her? Maybe she thinks it's a private time for you and doesn't want to overstep her mark.

Original poster

holdenmcgroin1979 · 28/06/2015 01:21

When I say speak my mind it's things like telling me how to bring up my kids. I have told her I'm welcome to the advice about my teenagers, I don't however need telling how to make a bottle up or how I need to ween babies at 3 months old. She didn't like the fact we had no christening for them, she even went to the extent of telling us dates that the church could fit us in knowing full well we wasn't getting them done. When we said about having a naming ceremony instead as neither me or my husband are religious she said she didn't see the point in it and as it wasn't a proper celebration she wouldn't be coming.

OP posts:

Pony74 · 28/06/2015 01:26

You sound like a massive pain in the arse. I hope you're not relying on CB or tax credits to raise your 6 kids.

Original poster

holdenmcgroin1979 · 28/06/2015 01:26

Jesus 70, that's bad. :(

OP posts:

FuckFaulknerILikeTheGruffalo · 28/06/2015 01:40

Your problem isn't your MIL, because you don't even have to see her very often! She's barely in your life, you don't need an ultimatum really to keep her out, do you? Sounds like you're practically NC with her.

Your problem is your expectations of your MIL. I understand you feel hurt on your DH's behalf when it comes to the inequality of affection regarding his sister, and you would like her help with things, but if you don't expect these things of her then they won't bother you anymore. I'm not sure if you mention financial/material help just to point out the inequality or because you want it too, but you and your DH aren't entitled to it from anyone, even is DM. You're not entitled to any other kind of support either, such as babysitting - it's lovely to have family support in trying times but no one has kids on the basis of things getting hard there will be other people around to cut you some slack. Life is just crap and it's no one else's problem, essentially.

Just don't have high expectations and you'll no longer be disappointed. Ignore any nasty comments from her, or unwanted advice re: child rearing, because you don't see her for weeks after anyway.

I am very sorry to hear about your DS and I hope everything goes well with your DD's assessments.

Original poster

holdenmcgroin1979 · 28/06/2015 02:10

Thank you FuckFaulknerILikeTheGruffalo, finally someone sees I didn't bring the financial part because we expect it. It was simply to highlight just how differently my husband and his sister get treated. Everything we have we have earned ourselves, it's been a struggle but I'm proud of the fact we can support ourselves. It's the favouring of grandchildren what is proving difficult. I know I have no right to demand she see them more, what am I meant to say to our children when they ask why nanna has their cousin and not them? And to answer a previous comment yes we get cb and ctc. We aren't dole dossers though and we pay our taxes the same as most other families in this country.

OP posts:

ChwatFeechers · 28/06/2015 02:14

You sound like a massive pain in the arse. I hope you're not relying on CB or tax credits to raise your 6 kids.

MrsV2012 · 28/06/2015 02:15

What everyone else says.

MIL's rship with her daughter is none of your business.

When we first moved in together they offered us no financial help at all ..well that's tough luck I'm afraid- some parents help, some can't- and some just don't. It isn't something you should just expect. A lot of parents think if their Son/Daughter wants to move in with their OH, they should be financially able to do so? If you already had 4 DC's before meeting him, I presume you had a family home anyway

If anyone is going to say anything, it has to be her Son, not you which will still fall on deaf ears

I don't think the major issue is your MIL actually, it's the fact you expect the same help and financial support that her Daughter gets. And if it hasn't happened before now, it isn't going to change.

Inequality can be massively annoying, my Ex MIL used to favour my XH's daughter over our DS. She never had a girl of her own, family full of boys, so she saw my Son as old hat. She actually went NC with her GS when i divorced her vile DS. And that was her loss We are thankful, not bitter.

You can't force someone to feel something they don't. And as for you being annoyed about lack of 'financial help', it makes you sound a bit over entitled.
Babysitting and support are not guaranteed when you have a family. It's great if you do, but you can't expect it- or be pissed off of you don't get it.

She's made it pretty clear she doesn't want to babysit 6 children, even if they are her DGC. I can empathise a bit with her, my DDs have their friends round a lot, and it's chaos, she may find it very daunting.

Original poster

holdenmcgroin1979 · 28/06/2015 02:33

4 of them aren't her biological gc MrsV2012, I don't expect her to have anything to do with them, they have their own grandma. It's the youngest two that are her grandchildren. How did you manage the situation with your ex Mil if you don't mind me asking? Was your son accepting? If not what did you say to him when he started to realise he got treated differently?

OP posts:

everybodysaywayhooo · 28/06/2015 02:52

OP YANBU!!

It's really sad for a parent to see some gc favoured over others. Have you tried just telling them the children miss them and would love to see their Granny and Gramps?

mimishimmi · 28/06/2015 05:49

You are going to blow at them for what exactly? Did your DH have financial assistance from them before you two got together?

Timetodrive · 28/06/2015 07:30

The chances are when your MIL has the same conversations about bottles/ christening etc with SIL she just lets it wash over her. She is her DD and knows how to handle and also interpret her words. My own DM would come out with all sorts of advice but I had years of knowing her and knew mostly it was her way of showing interest. There is always lots of advice about standing upto MIL on aibu and I always wonder if this is the outcome. She may just be a complete cow and if she is, then you are better off out of it.

Blu · 28/06/2015 07:38

Have you / DH actually asked them directly for help? I think your DH should calmly and politely explain that the children would like to see them more, were disappointed to have not seen them last time when they weren't in , and that frankly, with things the way they are given the autism diagnosis you would very much value their help.

It may be that a 'situation' has built up, strained as you say, and that your speaking your mind is part of this. See if DH can have an open chat with them .

AmorVincitOmnia · 28/06/2015 07:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ApocalypseThen · 28/06/2015 08:25

You sound quite prickly, OP. I think the making up bottles etc conversation is probably trying to find a level and shared experience, which you outright reject from her. I'm also someone who notices that people who pride themselves on straight talking really leave a trail of destruction in their wake.

Parents tend to be closer to adult daughters than sons as a rule, possibly because the son's wife - mother in law relationship can be fraught. They probably find spending time/babysitting with one child delightful, with six stressful.

Is there any chance you could invite them over and not pick them up on every word if they come? You know, be pleasant?

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