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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To take this as a friendship dealbreaker?

58 replies

Stoneysilence · 26/06/2015 19:29

Long backstory, so sorry for the long post upfront.

I have a very, very old and dear friend. To give you a bit of context so as not to dripfeed: always the most fun, supportive and loyal one could wish to meet. At times though, she has been at best thoughtless ("forgetting" conversations, appointments etc), at worst untrustworthy (getting drunk and spilling my deepest secrets - that one took me a long time to get over). She can be childish in her reactions - eg when confronted, will burst into tears and 'run away' rather than having a difficult conversation. All these things are known to me, as my faults are to her, as we have been friends such a long time - and I'm by no means faultless myself; I can be flaky, forgetful, etc. For what it's worth she is single and childless and I am married with DD2 and another on the way.

So, to the potential dealbreaker. A few months ago I extended a (fairly exclusive) work invitation to an event tonight to her as my +1 as she's the person I'd most like to go with - the event is right up her street, was a good fit for both of us professionally, and she's such good fun I knew we'd have a great night together. I was really looking forward to this event - as you imagine I don't get out much, whereas I guess she is out all the time so maybe it didn't seem such a big deal to her. Anyway the arrangements were all made, and she was full of fun on a group chat we're part of this morning. She was supposed to arrive at my house to "get ready" at 2pm this afternoon, as confirmed by text yesterday. By 3pm I thought she was a bit rude to not let me know she was running late, but not overly concerned. 3.30pm when she still hadn't showed I rang her phone a few times - it was off/out of signal each time I tried. By 4pm I was really worried - road traffic accident? Nope. I got a text saying I'd woken her by ringing and she felt ill and wasn't going to make it. I rang back. Went to voicemail - I left a concerned message. No response. 6.30pm I dropped a text - hope you're feeling a bit better after a sleep? No response.

The undercurrent that's in the back of my mind is A) this morning on the group chat she referred to a really tempting lunch event tomorrow with a different friend and some Z list celebs that she wouldn't be able to go to because of coming to mine B) I flaked out on her last house party because my child was sick (literally dnv with fever) and C) If she felt so ill today why was she so chipper this morning and didn't think to text me at any point before 4pm letting me know she was off colour?

Reading this (inordinately long, sorry) post back I think I'm probably BU to say this is a dealbreaker but seriously, I have a right to be pissed off don't I? More than anything I'm sad to be missing a fun night out with my friend. And sad to think it's not because she's actually ill - it's because she's either blowing me out for a better offer, or trying some weird retribution tactics because I missed her last party.

I can't even have a glass of wine and say fuck it, cos I'm fucking pregnant (15 weeks so too early for even a sodding half glass)

Someone! Help before I fall into a well of Friday-night No-Date self pity!!!!

OP posts:

sadwidow28 · 26/06/2015 21:43

As I understand it, the OP's social occasion is taking place 1.5 hours away from friend's home town - hence friend was arriving at 2pm to get ready.

After a boozy, fun-filled night with OP, the friend may not be fit enough to make the return 1.5 hour journey, get ready again and make it to make it to meet the z-celebs for lunch. So, friend has opted out of a previous invitation to make it to the last-minute invitation that includes z-celebs.

My advice for the OP?

If you wish to maintain the friendship, make sure you have sufficient kudos attached to any future occasions e.g. photos opportunities, newspaper paparazzi lined up outside your home to record arriving and leaving, limousine to collect and deliver home, Twitter followers so that she do 'awesome' messages to photograph any nibbles food provided and selfies throughout the night.

sadwidow28 · 26/06/2015 21:48

Next time you need a +1 for a black tie dinner, shout for me. I have sparkly dresses that haven't had an excursion since DH died 14 years ago. I don't dribble, know how to use a knife and fork, won't flirt unless I am reasonably tempted, can hold a conversation.

Can you send me an application form?

OpalQuartz · 26/06/2015 21:51

I predict a full recovery in time for Z list celeb photos on Facebook.

sadwidow28 · 26/06/2015 21:53

Opal If the friend is brazen enough to do that (and I think she will) I hope OP will share at least one 'ickle photo with us on this thread!

OpalQuartz · 26/06/2015 21:57

Who are the celebs?

OpalQuartz · 26/06/2015 21:59

Maybe an x factor finalist's brother and someone who went to school with Joey from Only way is essex?

OpalQuartz · 26/06/2015 21:59

Or Molly Sugden's bridesmaid?

haveabreakhaveakitkat · 26/06/2015 22:01

Op, you should have gone! I bet you wouldn't have been the only lone attendee.

Invite a different friend next time and make up a few fake schlebs to rub her nose in it.

FriendofBill · 26/06/2015 22:05

I would trust that she is ill if that's what she said. Give her a call in the morning and see if you can do anything to help.

I have been too I'll to text/call people before. Treat her as a genuinely sick friend unless you know different.

Tsk task. Vipers.

FriendofBill · 26/06/2015 22:06

Doh!
Tsk tsk

Original poster

Stoneysilence · 26/06/2015 22:21

Bill you are totally right of course. We've all been there and it's a horrible place to be.

I'll call her again in the morning and see what's what. But after that - no more pestering.

SadWidow if only if started this thread at 4pm I could have met you there!!

OP posts:

sadwidow28 · 26/06/2015 23:07

Yay!!!! I am first in the queue for the next black tie dinner!

I can shower, put my hair up, do make-up, pull on my spanx and don a sparkly dress in less than an hour! Then it takes me 2 hours to figure out how to programme my sat nav in the car ....... whoops!

tendence · 26/06/2015 23:08

As someone who has been stood up masses of time for various child-related reasons, I have great sympathy for your friend. You do not seem to appreciate that she may have felt just as neglected when you dropped her things - and blaming the child because you wanted to stay at home with her, when she was ill, seems to be a cheap get out for you, where you do not acknowledge that this is your choice - not the need of the child. If that were your choice at the time, then stand up for yourself, don't blame anyone else and apologise.

"I think babies need their mum (or primary carer) when they're ill, it's just a comfort/reassurance thing. DH is brilliant and he and DD are so close, but he's not who she calls out for when she wakes up in the night IYSWIM."

I find this a very sexist comment. Maybe it is time that you let your partner and daughter grow this bond further? I struggle to understand people who on the one hand complain that their (often male) partners do not take enough responsibility for their family (and there are masses of examples here), on the other hand, claim that they are better suited to deal with completely ordinary issues, such as taking care of a (mildly) ill child. Don't complain when you end up doing most of the work then!

Did your friends treat you well this time? No, of course not. You have both let each other down.

sadwidow28 · 26/06/2015 23:09

.... but, but, but, I can genuinely Tweet some z-celebs when I am with you with a selfie and they'll tweet back!

Duz that count?

sadwidow28 · 26/06/2015 23:23

tendence I am not sure what the OP should have done about being stuck in a station where she had to swap trains.

That was also one of the TWO examples the OP gave for not having made it to a pre-planned event with this friend. I don't consider that 'flakey' although the OP used it as an example when she has had to let the friend down previously.

You have focussed on her other example which was when DD was ill. I also believe in equal parenting, but sometimes it isn't appropriate to leave a sick child when that child becomes over-clingy to one parent.

Original poster

Stoneysilence · 27/06/2015 06:44

Tendence, thanks for the perspective. Though I still think an ill child (not sure about your categorisation of "mildly ill") needs their primary carer, this isn't a sexist statement. I'm happy to stand by my reasons for not having been able to make it on those two occasions, for which I apologised fully at the time. I have made it to hers (and she to mine) on countless others.

OP posts:

DoreenLethal · 27/06/2015 07:52

Knowing you had already invited friends, i would have said 'oh, you will have to leave mine first thing, how exciting' and 'released' her so that she wasnt stuck at yours.

whiteiris · 27/06/2015 08:08

I wouldn't leave one of my kids with DP so that I could go to a social event either, and if it was a bad d and v bug I would like to have him forego a social event to stay home and help too. D and V bugs can be horrible and I would appreciate his moral support by staying home. It would be different if I had to go to work or a wedding or funeral, but I would cancel a date with a friend.

Roussette · 27/06/2015 08:10

Why would you ring her this morning? She will know she's let you down. Silence speaks volumes. Let her sweat.

Don't chase after her for you to have to listen to more paltry excuses. Just go quiet.

Ghostlife · 27/06/2015 08:20

It would be a deal breaker for me.

ilovesooty · 27/06/2015 08:26

Despite the first few lines of your OP you don't even seem to like her much.

Perhaps the relationship has run its course.

WaferInMyCoffee · 27/06/2015 08:30

A similar thing happened to me with a very good friend. A birthday celebration. She was all excited about coming, texting me during the day. Then, ten minutes before the official start time (it was a get together with a couple of other people, I'd booked for a specific number) she text to say she was ill and not coming.

Then, to add insult to injury about half an hour later I got another text saying "I'm not going out tonight now, shall I come to yours?". I replied and said "I don't think this was meant for me" then turned my phone off.

She did call the next day and apologise and gave her reasons but I couldn't really believe anything she said and the friendship didn't really survive. We still are friends but rarely see each other and I know I cannot rely on her at all.

OP I would try and speak to yur friend about it but realise in the future she is not someone you can rely on :(

Roussette · 27/06/2015 08:33

Water I bet your friend nearly had heart failure when she realised she had sent that text to you!

There is nothing worse than what you consider a good friend lying to you. It leaves a nasty taste in the mouth and the trust is never properly there again.

Shouldof · 27/06/2015 08:34

Not sure why everyone is leaping to the assumption that she's not really ill. I've had plenty of bugs that came on suddenly and I think it's completely nor,Al to sleep for hours when you're ill.

I had to cancel something through illness last weekend and would be gutted and cross if my friend was writing this kind of shit about me as a result.

Why not benefit of the doubt that she's really ill if she's such a good friend?

OpalQuartz · 27/06/2015 08:44

I think it's rare to be so very ill that you are unable to send a text to say you aren't coming.

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