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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about DD (13) and her friends coming over?

52 replies

Tinklewinkle · 23/06/2015 18:41

I really don't want to nag, or stop her having friends over, but this is becoming a bit of a bugbear of mine and I'm getting fed up with a house full Every night

She wants her friends over all the time. Last week we had at least one friend here every night after school.

Saturday afternoon a couple of her friends came over (they hogged the living room with endless Disney movies), then she wanted them to stay over and they didn't end up going until I'd finally had enough and gave them all a lift home late afternoon on Sunday.

Both nights so far this week we've had a friend home with her after school.

They all have really late curfews (8/9pm) so they're still here at dinner time so it all gets awkward with feeding them/eating in front of them. Sometimes it's a bit difficult, like today, I sorted dinner before I went to work this morning so there's really not enough to stretch it to 5.

I've spoken to DD tonight about it and told her I don't mind friends here after school a couple of times a week, but not every night and that they need to leave at 6. I don't mind feeding them occasionally, but she needs to ask first, at least the day before and I'm absolutely sick of sleepovers every weekend but every couple of weeks or so we'll talk about

My parents would never really let me have friends over, and I don't want to be like that. I've always been quite easy going about it but I've now had enough. It's someone else's turn

I'm happy to compromise with her, but I'm sick of them being here all the bloody time, my house feels like a teenage doss house most nights and it's pissing me off.

Is that really unreasonable? Or is it part and parcel of being a parent to a teenager and I need to suck it up?

OP posts:

Misslgl88 · 23/06/2015 18:44

YANBU I would hate that also, I like to slob about on the sofa and relax in my jammies after 7pm and have a chance to talk to OH. I wouldn't feel able to relax.

I wouldn't mind a couple nights a week and maybe every other weekend a sleepover one night but not every weekend and not loads of them either

whois · 23/06/2015 18:45

Not unreasonable to pack them off home at dinner time if you can't/don't want to feed them.

IHaveBrilloHair · 23/06/2015 18:47

YANBU .
I have a 13yr old dd, and open up our home to her friends but she doesn't invite them over to that extent, that's just too much, it must be costing you a fortune too, teenagers can eat.

Penfold007 · 23/06/2015 18:47

When do any of them do their homework? I think a 6pm cut off once a week is fine and maybe on weekend a month, if it fits in with your plans.

Snoozybird · 23/06/2015 18:47

As there's more than one particular friend staying over at yours then why is that not being reciprocated by their parents? Surely they can't all have no space to return the favour now and again?

eyebags63 · 23/06/2015 18:48

I think your rules sound fine. I would be more specific about 'not every night'. For example Sundays, Tuesdays and Thursdays are "family time" or whatever. Sleepovers once a month maximum and not during any exam periods.

At the weekends in the summer I think asking them to go at 6pm might be a bit early but there is no reason why they can't leave for dinner and come back later?

LucilleBluth · 23/06/2015 18:50

I have this, but mainly at weekends. We are rural and I'm sick of my two older ones (11&13) wanting friends over all weekend. You just can't relax!

FadedRed · 23/06/2015 18:51

YANBU. I liked Dd friends feeling welcome at our home, and it also made me feel safer that I knew what she/they were up to, but not every evening and every weekend.
Calmly discuss why you cannot have friends round all the time, how you cannot feed them all the time, and set some boundaries, like you have said.
Maybe a TV in a different room, or a spare TV she can use in her room when friends come (doesn't have to stay there all the time). If she gets pocket money, then a contribution to snacks/drinks is in order.
You can still be welcoming without being a push over.

Misslgl88 · 23/06/2015 18:51

YY to asking them to come back after dinner. That's what we always did growing up we would go home, eat then knock on afterwards

cumsanctuspiritu · 23/06/2015 18:51

My 13 yo is only allowed to/from sleepovers in the holidays, unless it's a birthday, and even then we don't do many. This is because

a) she doesn't get enough sleep and takes a couple of days to get straight again
b) we want our family to be the main influence on her, not someone else's
c) we have lots of other activities going on that she is involved in, so she needs sleep and to be here/with us

We don't have the daily friends over because we live in middle of nowhere relatively, and they can't get here under own steam. But I wouldn't be doing that either. Once or twice a week max. But I'd have no qualms about chasing off home at 6pm, say.

mumofthemonsters808 · 23/06/2015 18:53

I know how you feel, sometimes it is like a youth club in my house. It does not help because the house is only small and sometimes it really does get on my nerves. LIke you, my parents never allowed my friends over the doorstep, but I never remember it bothering me I just accepted their decision. I've tried setting some ground rules and things change for a while and then we are packed to the rafters again with teenagers and slip back to a free for all. So I've no idea what the solution is, I suppose I could cling to the fact at least she is not ashamed of her friends seeing me, but this offers little comfort when all the drinks, crisps and treats for the week have gone within a day.

Moomintroll85 · 23/06/2015 18:53

Yanbu. Like others have said maybe a few nights a week that you know about in advance if you have to meal plan and some weekends. Definitely not all the time, it's your space too.

Can she not go over to her friends' houses sometimes so their parents can experience this annoyance joy? Do her friends' parents not even offer to pick them up from your house sometimes? I hope they do... I would.

howabout · 23/06/2015 19:01

YANBU
How would she feel if her parents started having friends round and sleeping over all the time?
Could she and her friends not join a school club or go to local sports centre together?
Also I have dd similar age and I think developing a bit of independence from friendship circles is no bad thing.

Original poster

Tinklewinkle · 23/06/2015 19:02

I think the reason they all end up here is because most of them share a room with a sibling and DD has her own room, so they all prefer to come round here.

She obviously thinks I'm tight, and unfair, and it's her house too, etc, etc

DD always shows off, they raid they cupboards so it's like a swarm of locusts have been through the kitchen, I can hear their bloody awful music, they're in and out of the back garden and leave the back door open. It's nothing particularly bad, it's just annoying. Especially when it's every bloody night

It always gets awkward at dinner time, there's always this discussion about them going home/staying upstairs while we're eating/DD says she'll share hers, but it makes me feel uncomfortable

I did put my foot down tonight - I put a chicken casserole in the slow cooker this morning and there was no way it was going to feed 5 people so I sent her friend home, but she came back. I'd be happy for DD to go over the park or something after dinner, but they just want to hang out here.

I just want to veg out and watch shite on TV

OP posts:

EllenJanethickerknickers · 23/06/2015 19:08

OP, it's your house. You are the adult. By all means facilitate some sort of social life for your DD, but just say no if it's getting too much. Your DD is trying it on and you are being a soft touch.

Lolimax · 23/06/2015 19:09

I completely agree you don't want other people's kids in your house every night and need to set some boundaries but it's also a compliment that both her and her friends feel comfortable in your house. Not all kids feel that way about home so whatever you're doing something is very right :)

Nanny0gg · 23/06/2015 19:11

It's your house for goodness sake!

And it really doesn't matter whether it's 'unreasonable' or not. If you're not happy then put your foot down!

Decide which nights she's allowed a friend over. Decide what time they must go home. Decide how often (if at all) they can sleep over and when and if they can stay for dinner.

And stick to it!!

(When does she do homework by the way?)

Original poster

Tinklewinkle · 23/06/2015 19:15

Sorry, x-posted.

No, parents don't often pick them up. They usually get around under their own steam. I gave them a lift on Sunday as I had to go to the shop anyway and it seemed like a good way to get rid of the, - so I was like "right, I'm going to the shop, get your stuff, I'll give you a lift home". In the winter when it's dark/pissing with raid/freezing cole/whatever I always take pity on them and run them home, I wouldn't want my DD out on her own at that time of night.

She does a few activities, but most of her friends do them same things. We're in a small town, so they all end up at the same groups. For example, they all do Scouts together, so they all take their scout uniforms to school, come round here, eat me out of house and home, get changed and all go together. I did suggest that we could take it in turns, but they're still coming here

I like it that they enjoy coming here, that they feel comfortable and relaxed here and I'm obviously not completely embarrassing , but, arrrrrgggghhhh!

Right, no more Mrs Nice!

OP posts:

Original poster

Tinklewinkle · 23/06/2015 19:19

Sorry, x-posted again

She doesn't get loads of homework, she does some at lunchtime in the homework club, and they do some together after school.

She is doing it, I wasn't convinced so I checked.

OP posts:

reni1 · 23/06/2015 19:20

I would think once a week and one or two sleepovers per month is OK, any more than this, no. You don't have friends over daily either. And the sitting room must be vacated if you want/ need it. Disney movies are off unless you have invited them for movie night.

Put your bathrobe on, curlers in, sit down and ask them about their day/ schoolwork, then put Antiques Roadshow on, that should clear the room .

DoreenLethal · 23/06/2015 19:43

Crikey OP - just tell her how it's going to be!

And tell her friend no when she comes back. Or tell them they have to go out if they want to hang out together.

reni1 · 23/06/2015 19:55

Oh and of course they cannot raid the kitchen at all, cup of tea, fine, anything else only if you have invited them for dinner

rollonthesummer · 23/06/2015 19:59

This would drive me mad. It's only going to get worse unless you say something now.

sunseeker66 · 23/06/2015 20:00

I would not have this at all, my dd is 13 and she knows friends are welcome but maybe once a week and the odd weekend.

My DP works long shifts and he would get extremely annoyed with this.

My DD is ok with this arrangement, she likes her own space too away from friends.

grapejuicerocks · 23/06/2015 20:02

Time for your big girl pants. Tell them what is acceptable for you. You will not be curtailing her social life. She can go to their houses for the rest of the time. You don't need to feel guilty.

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