about DD (13) and her friends coming over?

[Tinklewinkle]

I really don't want to nag, or stop her having friends over, but this is becoming a bit of a bugbear of mine and I'm getting fed up with a house full Every night

She wants her friends over all the time. Last week we had at least one friend here every night after school.

Saturday afternoon a couple of her friends came over (they hogged the living room with endless Disney movies), then she wanted them to stay over and they didn't end up going until I'd finally had enough and gave them all a lift home late afternoon on Sunday.

Both nights so far this week we've had a friend home with her after school.

They all have really late curfews (8/9pm) so they're still here at dinner time so it all gets awkward with feeding them/eating in front of them. Sometimes it's a bit difficult, like today, I sorted dinner before I went to work this morning so there's really not enough to stretch it to 5.

I've spoken to DD tonight about it and told her I don't mind friends here after school a couple of times a week, but not every night and that they need to leave at 6. I don't mind feeding them occasionally, but she needs to ask first, at least the day before and I'm absolutely sick of sleepovers every weekend but every couple of weeks or so we'll talk about

My parents would never really let me have friends over, and I don't want to be like that. I've always been quite easy going about it but I've now had enough. It's someone else's turn

I'm happy to compromise with her, but I'm sick of them being here all the bloody time, my house feels like a teenage doss house most nights and it's pissing me off.

Is that really unreasonable? Or is it part and parcel of being a parent to a teenager and I need to suck it up?

Thanks!

DH really doesn't mind it. He's a more the merrier type person so he can't see where I'm coming from.

I've told her, no more friends until Friday and no sleepovers this weekend. She's having a huff, but I'm sticking to my guns.

I've never really minded it before, but it's slowly crept up to every night/all weekend without me really noticing if you see what I mean.

I've told her, no more friends until Friday and no sleepovers this weekend. She's having a huff, but I'm sticking to my guns.

Good for you. I think your DD needs to appreciate that it's not fair for everyone else in the house to poke up with guests all of the time; it means that they can't relax in their own home. Tell her you can't afford to keep feeding them either. I can 100% see where you're coming from.

You're right, now stick to your guns, huff or no huff. It's only fair that they spend time at different houses, not all the time at yours. Best that it is stated now, fair and square.
Otherwise you might also find them expecting to hang about your house, all day every day, when on school holidays.
Your dd is old enough to understand that you don't have endless money to feed and entertain them constantly, and that you are entitled to time off to relax in your own home.

And their parents are certainly onto a good thing!

They don't have to feed them, mind them or ferry them around because you're doing it!

This sort of issue amazes me. I follow my mum's lead in that my friends were packed off home for tea (I can count on the fingers of one hand how many times a friend was allowed to stay) and same for sleepovers (I am nearly 48 though and the world was a different place in the 70s).

My mum made the rules, I followed them.

Gobbin I'm only 27 and my parents were the same, I wasn't allowed friends over lots so DD quite often has her little friend from school round but I gather from these types of threads that teenagers coming round is totally different to play dates

If these friends are round after school and not expected home until 8/9 and you're not feeding them .... who is? I'd be a complete pushover and feed them all. Thankfully we haven't got to that age of freedom yet.

We're quite strict about these things. Friends could come over after school (Mon-Thurs) for a specific reason but I would expect them to be gone by 6pm when we sit down to eat, unless that was pre-arranged.
Fridays are flexible.
Weekends it would depend on what else was going on.

That said, mine are not the most sociable children and prefer to come home, blob for a bit and then crack on with h'work. Particularly my middle one who spends 8 hours a week doing dance so has to fit in h'work around that.

It seems like your daughter needs a bit of guidance about the boundaries - there is a middle ground...

Do you have other DC? If not, when weeks treats are gone I wouldnt replace them until following week.

And if you want to watch TV, I'd let your DD know the TV room is out of bounds for the evening.

As the mother of older dc (18, 20 and nearly 22), I would say that, in the long run, it is a really good thing, if your dd's friends are welcome in your home.

First off, you know where they are - as they get older, chances are that, if you say her friends can't hang out at your house, she will go off to spend time with them - at least if they are at your house, you know more or less what they are up to!

Secondly, I've found it's a really good thing to be the mum who's known to be reasonably cool - I am not permissive, and I expect reasonable behaviour, but when two of ds3's friends didn't want to go home after Prom and the After-Prom party, because they were more pissed than their parents were happy with, I was OK with him bringing them back here. They crashed out in the front room for a couple of hours, and I fed them bacon sarnies to mop up some of the alcohol - and I stopped ds3 and one of the lads shaving the eyebrows off their sleeping friend.

I was not trying to undermine their friends' parents, but I am sure they would rather their sons were at my house than wandering the streets, possibly getting into bother, as pissed lads can do.

When ds3 had a girlfriend he was sleeping with, both we and her parents preferred them to sleep together at either of our houses, than to have to find somewhere less safe. Mind you - it was a bit discombobulating, hosting our first grown up sleepover! He'd already stayed at her house, but then asked if she could stay here one night - and although he has two older brothers, this had never come up before, so it was a new experience for dh and I.

I think what I am saying is that, as teenagers get older, it is worth being a bit flexible. Of course you have rules - but a bit of give-and-take over some things, means you can be stricter about others, as they grow up.

It means you know their friends too. I've got to know ds3's four partners-in-crime, and I know they are good lads - and that reassures me that they will look after each other when they are out partying. It meant that the fretting was reduced, somewhat, when they went away to Malia, recently, for their end-of-school lads' holiday. I still fretted about things that could go wrong, but at least I knew they would have each other's backs. Mind you - one lad came home with a tattoo, and another with a nipple piercing - and the only reason ds3's nipples are unpierced is because he didn't have enough cash thank heaven. And they were jumping off their balcony into the pool. But they are home mostly unscathed.

Nearly the same in our house, I lay rules down. Sometimes there isn't enough to stretch but usually it's snacks and they have to go home for their dinner .

It also surprises me on MN that 'normal' mid-late teen behaviour seems to be accepted as getting trashed at house parties, having sex as soon as they can etc. This isn't our experience with our late-teen DS and he's by no means unusual among his friends/our friends' children.

Yanbu a couple of times a week is ok, but yes she should ask if they are going to stay for tea. Also just say about when they need to go by (coming over saturday and leaving sunday eve would be soooo draining). Plus not really fair for you to have the friends round all the time, should your dds parents not have her round more often? Your entitled to have your own time in your own house too, its just give and take/compromise. Friends round once or twice a week would be plenty for me (im a bit of an introvert though and like my own space).

Believe me, gobbin, none of our dses were raised to 'get trashed at parties and have sex as soon as possible' - indeed, we have done our best to instil a sensible attitude towards alcohol, and a respectful attitude towards women, but given that ds3 does drink and have sex, I would far rather he was doing this as safely as possible.

I'm in the same situation as you Twinkle, I don't want to be unwelcoming but at the same time it can get a bit much. I've set out some rules such as no friends on days when DD has an activity later and if they come during the week they need to leave (or I will occasionally drop them home) at a reasonable time e.g 6.30. DW and I both want Dd to bring her friends home and for her friends to feel welcome here but we both work and are tired afterwards and don't want to always be inundated with teenage girls etc!

Just put rules in.

When we were kids ours went something like this.

• Friends over 2 nights a week max - must give 24 hours notice.
• 1 / 2 sleepovers a month. A few day's notice needed.
• Friends can sort their own transport, extreme grovelling / extra housework required on the odd occasion that they are really stuck!
• Clean up your own mess.
• Unless staying for food, friends must vanish while the family eat dinner in peace.

Thanks all!

Flora that's kind of where we're at with the feeding them. I'm a soft touch and I just find it a bit awkward, so end up bunging them dinner too.

I'm a soft touch with the lifts too. I don't do it all the time, and I don't mind if I've got to nip to the shop or something. I know a few of the other parents don't drive so they expect their kids to get around under their own steam, but I feel guilty about kicking them out on their own on a dark and rainy night. I know their parents are happy with it and don't expect me to run them around, but I wouldn't like my DD out on her own

I am actually beginning to wonder if I'm being used for childcare by stealth with one of her friends. She's always here, and I feed her most nights. I sent her home last night as I just couldn't make dinner stretch, and DD this morning that she just waited up the road rather than going home for dinner then coming back later.

I don't want to be unwelcoming, my parents would very rarely let me have friends over and I hated it.

DD is very much like her dad, out going, sociable, likes a bevy of mates around her. I'm more introverted and like a bit of peace and quiet so find a houseful of my own friends a bit much sometimes, let alone a load of teenage girls. I get a bit peopled out. That's not DD's fault and I don't think she should suffer for it, but I'm a bit over it all.

The weather is getting better now so fingers crossed they'll start going off down the beach after school a bit more.

At weekends I'd like to spend a bit more time together as a family. DD just wants to hang out with her friends. We're trying to find that balance between independence and doing your own thing, and still being a family and we haven't quite got that right yet I don't think. She wants some shorts and stuff for the summer so I suggested she and I go for a mooch round town and some lunch on Saturday. She wants to go with her friends. Which is fine, but, you know, I'd like to do stuff with her too.

I have a younger child too, and she also has her friends in and out. Her best friend lives a couple of doors down and we have a bit of an open door policy but i know with them they're in at 6 for dinner and that's it for the night and it's more reciprocal - they play here, they play at her friends house and out the front and they go across to the park for a while. It's not quite so full on.

The older they've got, the harder I've found all this parenting lark. My own parents were quite controlling when I was growing up, I didn't get to choose my own clothes, have friends over, go out or anything so I never really know if I've got it quite right

SDTGis I do like your posts, you always give good advice.

OP SDTGis has it spot on.

I think you need to talk to the parents of the worst offenders. My DD is younger but I am very conscious to balance out the hosting / hosted duties when DD has friends or goes to others' houses.

I think you have every right to want some quiet, peaceful time at home, and to set out some rules or guidelines, or have time when you do have the house just for the family.

I also think you can do this without losing that good relationship with your dd that will, imo, make the later teenage years less stressful, in the ways I was talking about in my first post on here.

Thank you so much, PUG - that is a lovely compliment.

You are very welcome

I used to have this with DS when he was about 10. He and his two best friends all lived on the same road and were in and out of each others houses all the time. It did seem that they spent more time at ours, one weekend I realised I had fed all three every meal from Friday evening to Sunday breakfast. I used to send them to another house when I had enough then, or felt that I had fed them too many times.

Now with 3 teenagers we have to have rules otherwise we would be over run. DS (17) has his friends over often on a Friday night, rules are no more than 10 and curfew is midnight. The other 2 can have friends when they like but they have to ask first and only one of them can have a sleepover at a time.

I also think SDTG has given really good advice on this. Keep your teenagers close.

I am actually beginning to wonder if I'm being used for childcare by stealth with one of her friends. She's always here, and I feed her most nights. I sent her home last night as I just couldn't make dinner stretch, and DD this morning that she just waited up the road rather than going home for dinner then coming back later.

So this child had no dinner? OP, I'm not saying that she should have stayed, but I wonder what her parents thought she was doing for dinner if she (apparently) wasn't expected to ear at home.