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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and my birthday

31 replies

StormyLovesOdd · 23/06/2015 11:29

It’s my birthday today, DH asked me what I wanted yesterday and said “I don’t need anything but I’d like to be spoiled a bit, I like flowers, chocolates, cake” he should already know all this we have been together 30 years.

This morning DH gave me a card and a £4 bunch of flowers (I know because he left the price tag on) no kiss, not even a happy birthday. Our DD was crying because she didn’t have anything to give me, she is 7 so obviously needs a bit of help with this kind of thing. I gave DD a hug calmed her down and told here all I needed from her was a kiss.

When DD had gone to school DH asked me if I was okay as I was quiet. I calmly told him I thought he could have made a bit more of an effort for my birthday and should have helped DD get me something, his response was “…. I can never do anything right in your eyes can I” I said I didn’t want to argue on my birthday and it was fine but next time please can you help DD, he got annoyed and speed off in the car in a huff.

I made a lot of effort for him on father’s day, got him a new pair of jeans and a nice box of chocs from our DD and helped her make him coffee and breakfast in bed, made a cake etc, etc. I feel really upset about all this, we were planning to go out tonight but he will probably be in a horrible mood now. AIBU expecting a bit more effort for my birthday.

OP posts:
CocktailQueen · 23/06/2015 11:31

YANBU. He asked you what you wanted; then he ignored it. I'd be upset too.

He should also have helped your dd to make a card/present. what does he usually do for your birthday?

CocktailQueen · 23/06/2015 11:31

And - Flowers - happy birthday! Cake

YellowTulips · 23/06/2015 11:33

No you are not.

He's a selfish twit both to you and your DD for effort levels.

The huff when that's pointed out escalates twit to arsehole.

MNpostingbot · 23/06/2015 11:34

Not at all. YANBU

It's not even a money thing, it's an effort thing. Especially getting something from your children. I get the sense that even if he'd made you some horrific looking thing with the kids you'd have loved it, why can't he do that.

I just got a lovely and unexpected present on fathers day (like your DH appears to have) and that would have made me even more focused on a nice birthday present if it was just around the corner.

DW loved her birthday present a month or 3 back (Fitbit and some changeable wristbands for it from the kids and a couple of other random cheap bits) and I felt guilty that I hadn't done enough when I saw I got a Father's Day present. DH should feel the same and you aren't being unreasonable (and 90% of my posts defend DH's on here!)

Original poster
StormyLovesOdd · 23/06/2015 11:37

Thank you - they are much nicer than the flowers from DH.

Since DD was born and money has been tighter I just brought what I needed (clothes) and gave it to DH to wrap up but I didn't need anything this year.

Before DD was born DH used to buy me a proper present.

OP posts:
Tequilashotfor1 · 23/06/2015 11:39

Happy birthday!!!! StarFlowersFlowersCake

YANBU but I think others will come on to say you are! Your not supposed to celebrate birthdays on here! WinkGrin

It's mine on Saturday and dp has changed all the plans for things that suit him better so this morning I told him what I wanted to do.

He drove off in a huff because he felt like shit. You could either drag it out or to try and salvage a nice day out of it I'd send him a message and say " let's not argue, I'm
Really looking forward to tonight x"Normally I'd never give in but id let it pass it you want to enjoy tonight.

At Xmas dp asked what I wanted I said nothing as we were paying for a holiday at the same time. I genuinely thought he would get me a little surprise like I did for him but nope I got zilch! I gave him a list of stuff I want for my birthday Grin

MagicBacon · 23/06/2015 11:40

YANBU. Your H is being a birthday Scrooge.

Why not ask DD if she would like to take you out somewhere this evening. You could give her the cash and she can choose a restaurant and pay for you both so she feels like she is treating you. Maybe you could pop into a supermarket on the way home and let her wander off and pick some dessert or a box of chocs for you. As your H obviously doesn't think you bday is worth celebrating he can stay at home with a microwave meal for one.

Happy Birthday! Flowers.

Candlefairy101 · 23/06/2015 11:40

Last year my husband never got me anything for my birthday not even a card, I got nothing from the kids either, then in Mother's Day he went out with our son to see his mother and left me with our newborn baby, I never even had a cup of tea, AFTER he had finished with his mum I then got 50 roses... I was fuming but like yours apparently he did nothing wrong Confused... Let's see what happens this year as, I k ow it's petty but I think I would actually kick him out if I have a repeat of last year, it seems so minor to them but for women it's the little things that we appreciate not 50 roses in the afternoon Sad

whiteblankpage · 23/06/2015 11:42

Happy Birthday! Flowers

YANBU
There will be posters along who say why are you bothered, you're an adult, etc etc, but it's a special day, and it's easy to make an effort. It doesn't have to cost much money, but a home made card and breakfast in bed would have been lovely for you and brilliant for your DD.

My husband is a bit like this - tries to sort it the day before, little thought put in, rushes the kids. On the other hand, for Father's Day I put together a little hamper full of his favourite things - a little box of Lego, nice coffee, bag of tangfastics etc. when he received it he said, "you really thought about everything you put in it, didn't you?" Er yeah, of course I did, I love you and wanted to show you that.

I hope you enjoy the rest of your day - and on his next birthday, put in the same amount of effort that he put in yours.

CatthiefKeith · 23/06/2015 11:42

MagicBacon has beaten me to it.

Do something lovely tonight with dd and leave the miserable git at home.

Happy birthday!Thanks

Tequilashotfor1 · 23/06/2015 11:42

Yes candle it is. I've stopped hoping dp would just 'get it' so now he gets instructions.

CakeLady1 · 23/06/2015 11:46

Yesterday?! He asked you what you wanted yesterday? Not as though he's put much thought or planning into it then, is it? If he really wanted to know what you wanted, he'd have asked weeks ago so he could plan and sort it for you. Is it typical of him not to plan, perhaps? Always used to you being the present-getter etc?
Perhaps he has something planned for later and is just letting you think he hasn't..?

CakeLady1 · 23/06/2015 11:49

Oh, and whoever said "it's the thought that counts" should've put a caveat in that "just thinking about doing something nice is not the same as doing something nice - the expression is about making the effort without spending a fortune".

Original poster
StormyLovesOdd · 23/06/2015 11:53

Yes DH is useless at planning things but he did used to be much more thoughtful. I think I have spoilt him sorting my own present out the last few years but its not as if he doesn't know what I like.

OP posts:
Tequilashotfor1 · 23/06/2015 11:57

He was thoughtless.

What are you going to do? Cut your nose off to spite your face or try and savage your one day of the year?

Dowser · 23/06/2015 12:00

It's not he lack of gift, it's the lack of love and affection that proceeded the lack of gift.

I'm so sorry about that. I hope his guilt monster clings to his back all day.

I also hope he makes up for his lack of thoughtfulness this evening.

MrsTedCrilly · 23/06/2015 12:00

YANBU! It's just nice to be thought of. Me and DP have never done anything card/gift wise for birthdays, we have gone on an outing though. I've been happy with this. Now we have a son I want to make more effort and show him what fun birthdays can be, so we'll both have to make effort to change. Sounds like he is not used to doing much as you say you usually buy your present, but that's not excuse as you told him the day before!

I don't know, it just seems so pointless when you have to ask for stuff, they go buy it and give it.. Like going through the motions and you could have done a better job yourself. Some men just don't think about stuff like this.

Original poster
StormyLovesOdd · 23/06/2015 12:04

Tequila - I am hoping he will make an effort today and when I get home I'll at least have a huge birthday cake waiting for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
StormyLovesOdd · 23/06/2015 12:08

Mrs Ted - you have hit the nail on the head, I could have brought a nicer bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates myself, in fact I think I will and then I can share the chocolates with DD when I get home.

OP posts:
Dowser · 23/06/2015 12:11

Cake lady ....that idea of letting you think he hasnt done anything nice only to surprise you later cango so badly wrong.

My dad made no fuss of his and mum's 30th anniversary. Mum was really upset.

He'd actually planned a meal for about 20 family and friends . She didn't enjoy her surprise. She felt miserable tat people who should have been invited weren't there.

Poor dad. He thought she would have been thrilled.

I did something similar for her 60 th. we made a fuss of her during the day and in te evening I told her we were taking her for a pie and pea quiz night. She took it on the chin bless her and a friend did her hair. She just didn't wear her best dress.

So when she walked into the room ( no pie and peasbut a fantasticbuffet )to see all her friends and family her face was a picture and I don't know who cried harder, her or me while everyone sang happy birthday.

It was lovely, but never again. Inever slept for a week leading up to it but I'm so glad I did it for her .

My daughter says she hates surprises.

Tequilashotfor1 · 23/06/2015 12:11

op I wouldn't leave it to chance! Grin

Hope he does!

Dowser · 23/06/2015 12:12

And you did ask to be spoiled mrs stormy .

Boysarebackintown · 23/06/2015 12:48

In my experience my DH takes what I say literally, so if I say , I don't want anything really ( secretly expecting a little surprise) I get nothing! So over the years I have learned that I have to be specific in what I want, even if I say vouchers for. Xx shop .....saying that he did spoil me on my birthday this year ...so maybe he is learning, after 29 years! I would enjoy your evening tonight, it's your birthday, hopefully he will come home in a better frame of mind and you can all enjoy it together.

CakeLady1 · 23/06/2015 15:22

dowser I've been on the receiving end of a 'surprise' party too and similarly, didn't enjoy it at all because I hate that kind of thing, but kept a smile on my face all night... (and a quiet cry in the loo)
Letting someone feel shitty all day as though you've forgotten/not bothered is not good at all. Actually forgetting/not bothering all together is worse.

As for OP, perhaps when it's little ones birthday, get him more involved with the present/surprise planning process, then he gets used to how to do it - with any luck you'll be pleasantly surprised next time

Tequilashotfor1 · 23/06/2015 15:37

cake my mum used to pretend she hadn't bought the thing I'd most asked for at Xmas when I was a child then she would give it to me in the evening when I'd been upset all day. It really took the shine off things. Cruel.