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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really annoyed with my DM

56 replies

Stinkerbellabumsmella · 23/06/2015 10:32

I have a DD who is nearly 23 months old, she's been quite advanced so far, she was walking at 11 months, asking questions saying small sentences from 16-17 months, she's almost potty trained etc.

I'm not trying to sound "smug" as none of it has been down to me, she just seems to pick things up quickly. Anyway my DM begrudgingly has her maybe once a week or once a fortnight whilst I'm at work.
She dropped her off on Saturday and I asked if DD had behaved herself etc etc. DM said yes she's been very good but there was just one thing we noticed . . . Right mum, go on. "Well, she doesn't seem to like using cutlery to eat her dinner anymore which is funny because she was doing so well with it a couple of months ago, she was just digging into her dinner with her hands. Do you give her cutlery to use at dinner time?" Oh FFS mum!! She's not even two! She knows how to use a fork and a spoon together and kind of knows how to use a knife and fork but she gets impatient sometimes and just digs in with her hands.

I did baby led weaning when she first started solids as I was told that babies learn quicker by feeling the texture of their food but she soon progressed on to spoon feeding herself. Aside from this DD is a fantastic eater, she loves fruit and vegetables and I want her to continue like this for as long as possible. I snapped back at my mum that I'd rather ensure that she was eating a healthy diet than turn every meal into a battleground by trying to force her to use cutlery and in turn make her reluctant to eat healthy meals. I also showed her the knife, fork and millions of spoons I had drying on the draining board for her.

I just feel as though she's being really pushy with her, I've always let her develop at her own pace, let her do her own thing and she's a confident, happy child. I think that because she's been a little bit advanced my mum is trying to push her and push her instead of nurturing the skills and learning that she already has IYSWIM. I can only think that if she carries on pushing and pushing its going to lead to feelings of inadequacy for DD as she gets older. It's not the first time she's made criticisms and I just wish she'd keep them to herself!

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 23/06/2015 11:30

Blimey, you sound as though you bit her head off over a simple question OP.

Original poster

Stinkerbellabumsmella · 23/06/2015 11:30

Yes ragwort I understand where you're coming from. mimi to be fair, at the moment, she has her fortnightly as opposed to weekly but I've always said to her that if she has anything planned I will try to arrange something else, I only work 3-4 hours on a Saturday so she never has her for too long.

I always put cutlery out for her and she generally uses it for the first 10 minutes but if she's struggling to get something on her fork on her spoon then she'll use her hands so I'm not really bothered as its not as if she doesn't used cutlery at all. And I said that she can get impatient whilst eating her dinner so then will just dig in with her hands but she always has cutlery on the table and she generally always uses them.

OP posts:

Original poster

Stinkerbellabumsmella · 23/06/2015 11:32

jumped all over on a "support" forum lol

OP posts:

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 23/06/2015 11:34

YABU. But keep on moaning about your mum and how terrible she made your childhood. She sounds like a perfectly normal granny to me. Boasting about how advanced your child is is not going to win you friends I'm afraid. Your mum sounds normal, you sound whiney and PFB

grannytomine · 23/06/2015 11:34

Two of my sons walked at 9 months, I thought 11 or 12 months was normal. My GS walked at 9 months as well, mind you the most academic of my children walked latest, she was 14 months. I don't think walking early particularly demonstrates they are advanced in anything other than walking, they used to say crawling was better for brain development but I don't know if that is out of fashion now.

You asked a question and she mentioned one thing, doesn't sound very critical to me. When my DIL asks how grandsons have been I often say something like, "Little buggers wouldn't stop fighting." She doesn't seem to take offence, God I will probably find a thread on here about me now.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 23/06/2015 11:35

Who said this was a 'support' forum? It's a forum- you asked a question, we answered it

Socalled · 23/06/2015 11:36

Stinker, no one's 'jumped all over you' and Mn is a place for frank responses, not 'awww u r lovely hun' stuff.

Honestly, you sound prickly, and your relationship with your mother is clearly rather tense, you don't feel as if you've ever been good enough for her, and you feel as if she's criticising you via your child - perhaps she is?

It just struck me as significant that you began your OP by talking about how 'advanced' your daughter was for her age, when it's not really relevant in any way to the altercation with your mother - are you playing out the 'not being good enough' drama with your mother via your advanced daughter, which is why her (innocuous enough sounding) comment about the cutlery stung? It just sounds as if it has nothing to do with your child, but you perceived it as a criticism of you, and it hurt because you feel criticised by her?

Mermaidhair · 23/06/2015 11:37

I think there is more going on with this relationship, that's why the cutlery is an issue. Just try and deep breath with comments that upset you. I can't really remember how mine were eating at that age. I know I was happy if they ate anything.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 23/06/2015 11:38

OP I think you are getting a rough time here and it's not deserved.

I think there is a lot of back story here that is only coming through subtly.

I have a hypercritical mum myself. Nothing I do is ever good enough. She always has a better way, or some dig to make. It's better now, but mostly because I learned (with the help of therapy!) to put my defences up, care less about what she says, and try to remind myself that she says stuff (even if it's hurtful) because she cares about me & the DC.

My mum had a terrible childhood and was criticised, bullied and abused and so sometimes I just think that she thinks that's the way you interact with family...

ilovesooty · 23/06/2015 11:39

I suspect you feel jumped on because you do sound defensive.

Have you ever tried exploring your issues with your upbringing and your relationship with your mother?

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 23/06/2015 11:39

Oh and AIBU is not the most supportive part of MN that's for sure

maras2 · 23/06/2015 11:39

OP ....... AIBU? Everyone else ....... Yes OP ........... No I'm not

mimishimmi · 23/06/2015 11:40

what's PFB?

DoJo · 23/06/2015 11:40

Noting that a child previously exhibited one skill and is no longer demonstrating it isn't pushy, it just shows a level of interest in her development that any childcare provider would likely have.

I agree with PPs - you sound like you find every comment your mum makes critical (and those of posters on here), and whether that is her intention or not, it clearly makes you feel 'got at' so why continue the arrangement? Whether or not your daughter feels as though your mum is pushing her, she will pick up on the atmosphere between the two of you which will not do her any good in the long-run.

NerrSnerr · 23/06/2015 11:40

I think you need to find alternative childcare. It's not going to work if she is begrudgingly caring for her.

maras2 · 23/06/2015 11:41

Shit.Where did my paragraphs go ?

BettyCatKitten · 23/06/2015 12:36

It sounds like the main issue is your relationship with your mum, and being a mum yourself and hearing criticisms has stirred up memories and feelings you may have repressed. This is what you need to address.

NinkyNonkers · 23/06/2015 12:45

Essentially, there are a few points here.

Your mum doesn't really want to have her, and you are worried that she is over critical. Solution being to not ask her again. How you put these two facts together and have ended with a "if she wasn't like this I might 'let' her have her more" I don't know! She begrudges having her as it is!

I'm sure your DD is lovely, but from what you've said doesn't sound advanced.

Tequilashotfor1 · 23/06/2015 12:49

You should have just said "we don't use cutlery in our house, did she lick her plate clean? We love it when she does that.

diddl · 23/06/2015 13:23

Well if OPs mum has form for criticising, then it's easy to see why OP took it as a criticism of her daughter rather than an observation.

But I wouldn't be leaving my daughter with someone who made me feel not good enough as a child & had said daughter only grudgingly.

TwinkieTwinkle · 23/06/2015 13:31

No one is 'jumping' all over you? You posted on AIBU and people told you YABU. What did you want them to do? Blindly agree with you to show support, when they don't actually agree with you?

As for your problem, clearly you'd arrangement isn't working so I suggest you source other childcare. Fwiw, I think your mum was showing an interest in the granddaughter's development and you shot her down because you got defensive. So I agree with pp that YABU.

CrystalHaze · 23/06/2015 13:46

Maybe she should ease up on me a bit and I might let her have her more!!

I would imagine there's an element of jest to this comment, but it certainly hints at a game of 'punishment/reward' in your attitude to your relationship with your mother, and using your daughter as a pawn in this is somewhat spiteful.

Lavenderice · 23/06/2015 13:57

There seems to be a few issues here:-

You don't like the way she parented you and yet you think it's appropriate to allow your daughter to be parented in the same way once a week.

You appear to think that your DM should automatically want to care for your daughter as part of her role as a grandparent.

If your mother lightens up on you, you will 'allow' her to care for your daughter more, even though she does it begrudgingly
In the first place.

I appreciate that you have a difficult relationship with your DM, but please stop using your daughter as a pawn in it. Find other childcare.

Aridane · 23/06/2015 14:24

I think there is a lot of back story here that is only coming through subtly.

you mean a dripfeed?

FarFromAnyRoad · 23/06/2015 14:31

You sound terribly snippy OP. Your attitude - if it is like this to your DM - is bound to get her back up. You should be able to see this just from the reactions you've had here - you sound angry and defensive over not much at all. You might want to consider altering your tone and see if that changes how people react to you.

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