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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Think I'm a horrible person

39 replies

mellyblue37 · 22/06/2015 22:48

Hi guys, 1st thread, but really stuck... We are going on holiday soon and my inlaws are kindly looking after the house (they stay a few hours away so will actually be staying in house) which they have offered to and we are happy with this as they they did this last year. Now they are asking if some friends can come up and visit for the day, but I'm now being made to feel quite guilty about letting these friends simply stay overnight too....I don't want my home to be used as a guest house and hubby feels I am being quite unreasonable. But I feel if i say yes to this, then it opens the flood gates to let SIL and her hubby and unruly kids up to stay (they tried this last year when our house was in upheaval and I firmly said no!) My point is, we never hear from SIL unless she wants something, she makes no effort to stay with us when we are here and I simply don't want her living in my home when I'm not there. Am I really being unreasonable over this? There are a few more underlying issues which may be affecting my decision, but I would value complete strangers take on this please. TIA.

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 22/06/2015 23:37

Another one wondering why (although it's none of my business) your in-laws and SiL would want to stay at your house. Do you live somewhere where staying in your home would be like a holiday, like near the sea or in the country? It would at least explain why your house is so popular .

I wouldn't have a problem with my in-laws having ONE couple overnight, but not if it led to a revolving door of guests.

Mrsjayy · 22/06/2015 23:40

Sounds like this whole thing has snowballed and you feel backec into a corner If your inlaws see looking after the house is helping when really its a holiday for them then that is why they are inviting all the family and friends i wouldnt like it either what are you going to do

Original poster

mellyblue37 · 22/06/2015 23:40

acrossthePond that's really my issue if i say yes to their friends, that leaves it open to everyone. I have a little house near enough to a city, easy to head out into the country or go to the seaside, so yes it's really like a holiday for ILs.

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 22/06/2015 23:54

So, in order to not leave your house empty, they're going to leave theirs empty? Eh?

arethereanyleftatall · 22/06/2015 23:55

My point is, they're not 'helping you out'. They're 'having a free holiday'.
No way. Yanbu.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/06/2015 01:35

arethere is right. They're not doing it for you, they're doing it for themselves. And that's fine as long as it's understood that way. Or at least, as a mutual convenience. But it's not. When I was very young, I had an uncle with a nice swimming pool. My parents and the other siblings (and kids) all were free to use the pool when he was gone, but he would have been livid if we'd brought friends with us. Your iLs think they're doing you a favour, rather than the other way round. And I think that's what makes it harder to say 'no'.

It's really hard when a husband and wife (equal partners) have opposing views. Especially when iLs are involved! You say he wouldn't be happy if it were your family. So, is there a chance of your family being the ones asked to 'house sit'? I mean, can you possibly put that particular shoe on DH's other foot?

Sadit · 23/06/2015 03:45

You haven't got an in law problem you've got a dp problem!
You need to put your big girls pants in and deal with this. Tell him they don't need to stay. If your family wouldn't "be allowed" then why would his??

sofato5miles · 23/06/2015 03:52

Who decided that you need house sitters? Why don't your pil need house sitters?

NoArmaniNoPunani · 23/06/2015 04:22

Double lock the door and only leave them the key to one lock. Selfish fuckers.

SunnyBaudelaire · 23/06/2015 04:57

do that what armani said, then when you get back you can say 'oh dear silly me'

Yarp · 23/06/2015 06:19

If he wouldn't want your family to stay and you don't want his, and you can't discuss it without a big argument, that's a sorry state of affairs.

DoreenLethal · 23/06/2015 07:13

It is your house and if you do not want people in it and using it as a holiday home whilst you are away - then that is your prerogative. He may disagree and not mind all and sundry in the house whilst you are away - again his prerogative. However it is not exclusively his house so he doesn't get the only say in the matter.

If he wants to open his house to people whilst he is on holiday perhaps he needs to live elsewhere.

popalot · 23/06/2015 08:10

What is really pissing you off is that you are not involved in the decision making about who stays in your house. Your dp has run roughshod over your opinion and that's what is the problem here.

It's a pain in the arse having people stay over because you have to clean the place top to bottom and hide stuff away you don't want them to see etc. I would just say no to any other visitors. Put your foot down and keep putting it down. It's your house and they need to respect that.

If it was the other way around and you got stroppy because you wanted to stay in their house and invite friends over and they said no, I'm sure they'd have a lot to say. Just turn it around like that and they'll get it. They're just trying their luck.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/06/2015 19:53

OP, if you don't mind my asking, you've said you don't have 'final say', why is that? You should at least have equal say. I think I'd feel 'if my family wouldn't be welcome to stay, then neither is yours!'.

Have they asked to have friends before and has it been allowed? What is it your DH is concerned about if they are told 'no'? Is this a true disagreement with both of you thinking you have valid reasons, or just DH 'laying down the law'?

I guess I'm puzzled as when DH and I have disagreed about 'in-law' type things we've usually ended up with 'no' being the default if we can't say 'yes' to both sets of parents.

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