Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Unflip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Unflip

1 2

AIBU?

Think I'm a horrible person

39 replies

mellyblue37 · 22/06/2015 22:48

Hi guys, 1st thread, but really stuck... We are going on holiday soon and my inlaws are kindly looking after the house (they stay a few hours away so will actually be staying in house) which they have offered to and we are happy with this as they they did this last year. Now they are asking if some friends can come up and visit for the day, but I'm now being made to feel quite guilty about letting these friends simply stay overnight too....I don't want my home to be used as a guest house and hubby feels I am being quite unreasonable. But I feel if i say yes to this, then it opens the flood gates to let SIL and her hubby and unruly kids up to stay (they tried this last year when our house was in upheaval and I firmly said no!) My point is, we never hear from SIL unless she wants something, she makes no effort to stay with us when we are here and I simply don't want her living in my home when I'm not there. Am I really being unreasonable over this? There are a few more underlying issues which may be affecting my decision, but I would value complete strangers take on this please. TIA.

OP posts:

Report

AcrossthePond55 · 23/06/2015 19:53

OP, if you don't mind my asking, you've said you don't have 'final say', why is that? You should at least have equal say. I think I'd feel 'if my family wouldn't be welcome to stay, then neither is yours!'.

Have they asked to have friends before and has it been allowed? What is it your DH is concerned about if they are told 'no'? Is this a true disagreement with both of you thinking you have valid reasons, or just DH 'laying down the law'?

I guess I'm puzzled as when DH and I have disagreed about 'in-law' type things we've usually ended up with 'no' being the default if we can't say 'yes' to both sets of parents.

popalot · 23/06/2015 08:10

What is really pissing you off is that you are not involved in the decision making about who stays in your house. Your dp has run roughshod over your opinion and that's what is the problem here.

It's a pain in the arse having people stay over because you have to clean the place top to bottom and hide stuff away you don't want them to see etc. I would just say no to any other visitors. Put your foot down and keep putting it down. It's your house and they need to respect that.

If it was the other way around and you got stroppy because you wanted to stay in their house and invite friends over and they said no, I'm sure they'd have a lot to say. Just turn it around like that and they'll get it. They're just trying their luck.

DoreenLethal · 23/06/2015 07:13

It is your house and if you do not want people in it and using it as a holiday home whilst you are away - then that is your prerogative. He may disagree and not mind all and sundry in the house whilst you are away - again his prerogative. However it is not exclusively his house so he doesn't get the only say in the matter.

If he wants to open his house to people whilst he is on holiday perhaps he needs to live elsewhere.

Yarp · 23/06/2015 06:19

If he wouldn't want your family to stay and you don't want his, and you can't discuss it without a big argument, that's a sorry state of affairs.

SunnyBaudelaire · 23/06/2015 04:57

do that what armani said, then when you get back you can say 'oh dear silly me'

NoArmaniNoPunani · 23/06/2015 04:22

Double lock the door and only leave them the key to one lock. Selfish fuckers.

sofato5miles · 23/06/2015 03:52

Who decided that you need house sitters? Why don't your pil need house sitters?

Sadit · 23/06/2015 03:45

You haven't got an in law problem you've got a dp problem!
You need to put your big girls pants in and deal with this. Tell him they don't need to stay. If your family wouldn't "be allowed" then why would his??

AcrossthePond55 · 23/06/2015 01:35

arethere is right. They're not doing it for you, they're doing it for themselves. And that's fine as long as it's understood that way. Or at least, as a mutual convenience. But it's not. When I was very young, I had an uncle with a nice swimming pool. My parents and the other siblings (and kids) all were free to use the pool when he was gone, but he would have been livid if we'd brought friends with us. Your iLs think they're doing you a favour, rather than the other way round. And I think that's what makes it harder to say 'no'.

It's really hard when a husband and wife (equal partners) have opposing views. Especially when iLs are involved! You say he wouldn't be happy if it were your family. So, is there a chance of your family being the ones asked to 'house sit'? I mean, can you possibly put that particular shoe on DH's other foot?

arethereanyleftatall · 22/06/2015 23:55

My point is, they're not 'helping you out'. They're 'having a free holiday'.
No way. Yanbu.

arethereanyleftatall · 22/06/2015 23:54

So, in order to not leave your house empty, they're going to leave theirs empty? Eh?

mellyblue37 · 22/06/2015 23:40

acrossthePond that's really my issue if i say yes to their friends, that leaves it open to everyone. I have a little house near enough to a city, easy to head out into the country or go to the seaside, so yes it's really like a holiday for ILs.

OP posts:

Mrsjayy · 22/06/2015 23:40

Sounds like this whole thing has snowballed and you feel backec into a corner If your inlaws see looking after the house is helping when really its a holiday for them then that is why they are inviting all the family and friends i wouldnt like it either what are you going to do

AcrossthePond55 · 22/06/2015 23:37

Another one wondering why (although it's none of my business) your in-laws and SiL would want to stay at your house. Do you live somewhere where staying in your home would be like a holiday, like near the sea or in the country? It would at least explain why your house is so popular .

I wouldn't have a problem with my in-laws having ONE couple overnight, but not if it led to a revolving door of guests.

mellyblue37 · 22/06/2015 23:36

mumtothree that's one of the bigger stresses i don't need as i work ft and am no domestic goddess...

OP posts:

momtothree · 22/06/2015 23:32

The problem is that IL will expect spotless clean tidy hotel type home which will fall to OP to sort on top of holiday packing .., DH just grabs the cases and goes .,, he does not see the additional work involved ...

PuntasticUsername · 22/06/2015 23:30

Hang on. Are you saying that if the family roles were reversed, your DH would not be happy for YOUR parents and siblings to stay in your marital home?

If so, I'm afraid the problem is with your DH.

And, what the pp said - your home doesn't need looking after while you're away so the IL aren't doing you a favour but staying; you're doing them a favour by letting them have a free holiday home!

Socalled · 22/06/2015 23:27

You're not horrible in the least, OP. You seem to have been catapulted into a weird situation where ILs are staying unnecessarily in your house under the guise of doing you a favour, and now they want to have their friends to stay too. I would hate that. If people are going to take a quasi-holiday in my house, I'd rather they didn't pretend they were 'helping', or invite other people in too.

What strikes me your posts is what role your DH is playing in all these negotiations - how is it conveyed to you that your ILS think they are helping out by staying, and that they now want their friends to stay too? Is this being said directly to you by the ILs, or is your DH the one 'putting the gun to your head'?

Jackw · 22/06/2015 23:24

No one needs to look after your house when you are away. So they aren't really doing you a favour. You are doing them a favour by letting them use your house while you are away. Why do they want to do this? Is it because you live in a place which will be like a holiday for them? Or are they just nosy and intrusive? Either way, you are doing them the favour, so you can dictate the terms. DH wants you to shut up and suck it up but it's your house too and he should be considering your need for privacy and autonomy over his family's desire to invade your space.

Theycallmemellowjello · 22/06/2015 23:23

I think if they're doing you the favour of being there there's no reason they should be alone in the house. I don't see why having guests should make your ils think they can come when they want - if you're worried about that don't get them to look after your house when you're away. I have house sat before as a student and the deal generally is that you get to use the house as your own in return for maintaining it. There's some irony in saying the ils are only interested in getting something out if you, but you not wanting them over except when you're away and the house needs looking after.

mellyblue37 · 22/06/2015 23:21

I have discussed with DH and he is the one who thinks I'm unreasonable and it has led to a huge argument...and I can assure you he would not be happy if it were my parents and siblings! So it has helped a bit venting to you guys! Thanks for all advice so far :-)

OP posts:

ReginaBlitz · 22/06/2015 23:21

Fuck that. Like someone said why does someone need to look after your house?!. I remember a few years back mil babysat while we stayed out for the night, came home next morning she hadn't let the cat out kitchen covered in cat shit, and after she'd fucked off home found her manky thong on my floor. Safely say I haven't had her stay since

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Fatmomma99 · 22/06/2015 23:18

I know people who've house-sat, and it has been like a mini holiday for them, so I do get that.
And there is something reassuring about having someone stay in your house when you are away for more than a day or two - it makes a break in less likely, which is a nice thought.

So I can see how this could be a win-win.

But the point here is, that for you it isn't.

Do you live in a high crime area? Are the lots of burglars? Do you have stuff you'd be devastated to lose? Would you be able to live in a house which had been invaded by strangers? Ah! I've come full circle!

But, actually, it doesn't sound like the friends of your in-laws are the issue - it sounds like your SIL is the issue.
So are you (and your DH) able to say "yes, fine. Knock yourselves out and have a great time, but SIL is not welcome to stay".
And if that conversation is too uncomfortable, consider having an empty house while you're on hols.

Enjoy your holiday.

And, btw, I think I'm much more horrible than you are.

PuntasticUsername · 22/06/2015 23:16

melly, it doesn't sound as if your DH is much on your side here. You're his wife, and you should be his priority - especially when it comes to conversations like this, with HIS family. Instead, it sounds as if he's siding entirely with them and expecting you just to go along with things. Does he know how strongly you feel about this? If not, dude, you have to tell him!

mellyblue37 · 22/06/2015 23:12

I do have pets but a friend normally watches them, so on this I'm perfectly happy with pet sitting too, just the other stuff worrying me, as I'm not assertive at all, and I would stupidly let stuff build up until I snap! IL's are all very assertive so sometimes I feel a bit dominated, though they are not nasty with it.

OP posts:

Unflip

1 2

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.