Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told XH no?

63 replies

PeggyTheClothesHorse · 22/06/2015 10:15

I'm a little bit torn over this and feeling crap after the inevitable argument so thought I could do with some other views on the situation.

My XH has asked if he can take our two DC on holiday during term time along with the rest of his family. Apparently his father is paying as he is quite ill and it will be his last holiday abroad.

Our DC are 7 and 4, the youngest will have only started school 6 weeks before he intends to take them. I have said no to his request but told him I have no problem with him taking them at half term. He has said this is not possible because the cost of the holiday doubles during the holidays.

If I'm brutally honest, im a bit sad that I won't be there for their first holiday abroad but have put my feelings to one side and said its ok if he takes them during school holidays. I have always had an issue with taking them out of school, even when we were together so this is not a new stance from me. Also, whilst it apparently seems noble to want to do this as a 'last request' for his DF, it rather ignores the fact that XH couldn't stand his father and didn't speak to him for several years after his dad fleeced him out of the family business. They didn't even make up when his DF was diagnosed with cancer so I'm a bit Hmm at the sudden change of heart. There are lots of side issues surrounding what I deem to be XH's unreasonable behaviour surrounding the care of our DC but there's too many to list and I'm not sure if they're relevant to the issue.

XH is really angry with me for saying no and is now forbidding me from ever taking them on holiday because he'll miss out on his weekday access. Neither child has a passport and I doubt he will authorise me to get them one now so I will never be able to take them abroad. I think his attitude on this is proof that he doesn't care about our DC doing something nice, he only wants it to happen if it's some grand gesture on his part.

So AIBU by saying no to this or should I let him?

OP posts:
SusanIvanova · 22/06/2015 16:22

Yeah passion, that's exactly the same thing Hmm

YANBU OP, school is not optional. He owes you money anyway, he won't pay the fines.

addicted2cake · 22/06/2015 16:32

If it's about the dcs missing school then could you compromise on a middle of the week beginning of the holiday so they only miss a couple of days at the end of term and come home half way through the half term? That way you only have to think of childcare for a couple of the half term days too!

YouTheCat · 22/06/2015 16:37

And what Susan Ivanova said. love the Babylon 5 reference Grin

Jengnr · 22/06/2015 20:29

Tell the school in advance that you are unwilling for them to go out and you won't pay the fine. Let them fine him directly.

SanityClause · 22/06/2015 20:40

You pay the fine because you haven't stuck to the rules, mynewpassion. The fine is a penalty for breaking the rules.

Peggy, I think the suggestion made upthread is a good one - tell him you will accept the head's decision. If the head authorises the holiday, then they can go. Oh, and he needs to do the running, and make the request to the school. Not you.

Original poster
PeggyTheClothesHorse · 24/06/2015 18:36

Just to update: I took posters advice and called the school to let them know that XH would be putting in the request but that I wasn't happy about it and would prefer the request to be declined. The head sounded wholly unimpressed and said that it wasn't his job to mediate between parents Hmm. Anyway, XH has just rung and the school told him that I'd called and what is said. He's really pissed off so that backfired in a spectacular fashion. Apparently the school are considering the request based on DD's attendance record which is good so I guess he'll get the green light. I'm really upset about this. I don't want my children to miss a whole week of school. And I know if the roles were reversed, XH would never let me take them out for a term time holiday.

OP posts:
formidable · 24/06/2015 18:58

I'm sorry but I'm not surprised the ahead thought you were involving him in your row with exh. That was a bit of an own goal.

If the school are happy to give authorisation, there really isn't anything you can realistically do.

You need to pick your battles.

Oldraver · 24/06/2015 19:04

You don't need his signature on their passport form but you do need information from his passport so he can withhold that.

No she doesn't. OP (so long as she has UK cictixenship) can apply for a Passport for the DC's without any reference to the father. Their is space on the form for his info but it isnt needed.

Equally if he has PR he can apply for the Passports

Oldraver · 24/06/2015 19:05

oh the wish for an edit button......

FFTransform · 24/06/2015 19:34

Peggy, hope you are ok, sounds like you are in a tough situation with your exH and as he isn't putting the kids needs first so you have to take up all the slack

Sorry I have nothing constructive to add but just wanted to acknowledge that it is unfair and that doesn't sound like it's going to get easier :-(

honeyroar · 24/06/2015 23:24

Your children will be fine missing a week of school at that age. They will have a wonderful experience with their father. I think in this case the headmaster will make the most balanced, impartial decision of you all.

formidable · 25/06/2015 06:32

What OldRaver said is correct.

I applied for the passports as at least then I knew where they were!

chickenfuckingpox · 25/06/2015 07:29

you have a lifelong medical condition which sometimes impacts on your childs education meaning you are late sometimes

your ex owes money to you

he is threatening you because he doesn't get his own way

you have admitted your jealous about him being the first to take your children on a foreign holiday (which is fine and understandable)

the school is being non supportive despite policy

hmm

yanbu however you should have informed the school you were not asking them to mediate you were simply informing them that you did not approve of this and you do not wish to be part of the fallout if they decide to fine you because they will not just fine one parent its both

and i really dont see why your ex is flipping about the extra cost of the holiday due to the half term he is not actually paying for it if you were on speaking terms with your ex fil i would advise you to contact him and explain the issue see if he would agree to take them in the holidays

i know im going against the popular decision here but your ex is acting like controlling and abusive twat

as ppl have said you cant stop him taking the children away for a normal holiday however during term time is against gov policy so would not be considered a normal holiday?

i hope the school says no in future if he wants to take them out of school for a holiday just refer him to the school tell the school your position is that you do not want them out of school for holidays and if they take it further about attendance your objection will be on record

Flowers
New posts on this thread. Refresh page