To cover (lie)? for my Child

[RachelRagged]

Hello ,

My Son has a volunteer who comes round each week and is due this Wednesday morning. DS said that he does not want him coming round, I asked why and he said he is fed up of people in and out of his life (whole other story but we have had visits from various authorities of late nothing bad)and that he doesn't like Him . (which came as a shock as I thought they got on well).

My AIBU is self explanatory in the title . I would say he was unwell that day or something. Or should I be honest and say that DS does not feel he benefits from the visits ? or get DS to tell him himself .

All advice will be appreciated.

Sorry been out.

He and the volunteer *yes, from an agency) have played X Box among other things . I do not wish to out myself but my DS's issues are complex. There was a large major police incident once , my son interviewed. That may have upset him deeply.

We have spoken and I asked to give him a bit longer, can he not do that? Hmmm I got in response. .Told DS if he wishes to no longer see the volunteer to at least talk to him in person and tell him why.

Op
My thoughts on your dilemma are that you should allow your ds to cancel these visits .
Imho school refusers also suffer from feeling things are out of their control,allow him to get a bit of control back ,let him make this choice.
You have my sympathies ,iv been down this road and it is hard .for everyone concerned .parent and child .i hope things get easier .

Thank You, Yes it is difficult.

Home Ed is not possible .

School, Attendance Officers, SWs, ,,, nothing will budge him. Many TAC meetings and another coming up , they are at a loss as to what to do, as am I. I have in the past attempted to take him but he runs soon as we near school . I am not in the best of physical shape and cannot chase him.

That sounds so stressful such a lot to cope with it isnt just a case of take him to school is it. I think sticking with the volunteer at least until your areas summer holidays might take some stress off you

They are speaking now , Left them alone but I am just next door to his room. Not listening in either .

It may work out ok the point of the volunteer is to give him somebody impartial to chat ti to

Correct Mrsjayy

Seems to be going well . I will update . He came today (i had forgotten the change of day from Wednesday ,, memory like a sieve).

Op, I know you have had some useful advice here, but have you posted in SN? It may reach more posters with experience of this, than in AIBU.

mrsC, I wasn't surprised at all to learn you were a "professional" - your dogmatic, (and I felt, fairly rude) attitude is very similar to quite a few I have encountered - which is why I feel OP may get more useful advice in SN from people who are aware and can empathise with the issues her and her DS face.

Not every child is cut out for school, MrsC.

Oh MrsCs, you really have no idea how to handle a deeply disturbed child do you?

My DD suffered from a health problem that kept her off school for some time. In that time because of her isolation she became depressed and very socially anxious. Your idea of "I'd say he can stop going when he goes to school instead, simple" could have a couple of effects.

1. The fear of going to school itself could lead to a deep depressive episode or a suicide attempt.
2. The fear of having to see someone she really didn't want to could lead to a deep depressive episode or a suicide attempt.

Whilst these are worst case scenarios dealing with a depressed, anxious, school refuser by your methods could be damaging at best and catastrophic at worst. Some kids need counselling, some need to work with the schools and colleges to devise a way to continue an education whilst keeping them safe AND working through their issues.

DD is on a 4 day week, at home for free periods and speaking to her counsellor. Her college are understanding of her very complex issues.

Rachel, you have my thoughts. It's not easy and there is no black and white in these situations.

Thank You everyone .

Update . They reached a compromise. The issue seems to have been that he stays to long, which he said he does in hindsight. He will still come weekly but for 30 minutes , That suits both of them.

Proud of my Boy, he dealt with it like an adult.

One thing he said, when I was in the room with them, was "I have told the person at CAMHS AND the social worker, so them or Mum can tell you". This was regards his social anxiety . He goes out only if he has too and that is to shop a few minutes away , He has not always been this way , A handfull Yes , school refuser and other stuff No,

*I've worked with a lot on non attenders Luis and the longer it goes on the more difficult the problem is. The essential message is that a child is worth having an education. Measures such as part time schedules are largely ineffective. It needs to be clear very quickly that it is non negotiable, that when you are there issues can be worked on but not going in is simply not an option.

I'm sure you'll describe it as 'stupid', fantastic and insightful answer as that was btw but I have a very good track record at helping young people improve attendance and get good results.*

I want him to have an education, as I said in another post on this thread, I find it sad and an awful shame he spends most of his life in his bedroom.. it is a waste. He is bright, (not a stealth boast), assertive, chatty (to Me at times, when the mood takes him), helpful to me re washes up, keeps his room tidy etc but I would love him to return to a school system of one kind of other. He has had a lot to deal with in his 13 years (I would out myself completely if I told all of the issues) .. MrsC , it is not that easy. I have tried, his grandparents have tried, older siblings ,,,, everyone has tried . Nothing works.

MrsCs:
"
I obviously still made it too complex, no my children are not non attenders I have WORKED with them".

Do you realise how patronising you sound?

My ds didn't want to go to school today. He is asd - no support. Dyselxic - no support. Dyspraxic - no support. In addition badly bullied.

I have WORKED with him too.
Parents know their children best.
Parents support their children.
Parents want their children to engage in the education system.
Sometimes that system fails them. Completely.
Can you understand that, or is it 'too complex'.

Rachel, he sounds much like my DD. She didn't go out, wouldn't even nip in a shop.
Her counselling coupled with easier college hours is working, she's coming out of her shell AND she's doing well. She's keeping up with college work and actually going out. It's small steps, little things like heading to the local shop but she is doing it.

Sometimes I think you have to accept that regular 9-3.30 schooling isn't a fit for your child. As Stratter said not all children are cut out for school. You sound like you are loving and supporting him and not forcing him into situations he doesn't want to be in. It's about compromise and you've nailed it.

Understanding kids with SA is difficult. I've seen my DD pop on a mask, go to a comic con (with me, she'd never entertain going alone) and change completely. The person she becomes when wearing that mask is super confident and outgoing. She'll greet you, have fun with you and generally be the character she's portraying that day. If she took the mask off she wouldn't make eye contact with you.

As pp said school is not for everyone. MrsCs "one size fits all" approach is clearly not going to work here. OP you handled this just right x

Least they have reached the half hour comprimise which is better for your son the volunteer wont want to force anything on your son

That's great that they have reached a compromise. Well done, keep listening to your son and hopefully you'll be able to find out what it is he needs to make going to school manageable for him.

Understanding kids with SA is difficult. I've seen my DD pop on a mask, go to a comic con (with me, she'd never entertain going alone) and change completely. The person she becomes when wearing that mask is super confident and outgoing. She'll greet you, have fun with you and generally be the character she's portraying that day. If she took the mask off she wouldn't make eye contact with you.

That is fantastic :) Oh Bless Her. . ..

His SW is attempting to get him into a small school unit or a unit in his school . .Once he was in Inclusion but he didn't mind, liked it in fact.

That sounds positive Rachel. DD went into inclusion at one point in high school and was ok with it, it was out of the main school and quiet and ultimately thats what she craved.
We have a special unit near us which is I imagine similar to yours. It was discussed to send her there but she was so close to GCSE's and leaving for college it was pointless.

From what I gathered about our centre it had SA kids as well as those who were a little more problematic with behaviour and young Mums, though they were taught on a much smaller ratio. Our local council offer to send transport to collect and return as well so any stress of buses is removed.

Compromising and finding solutions At least the holidays are coming and hopefully a break for you from worrying.

That sounds positive Rachel. DD went into inclusion at one point in high school and was ok with it, it was out of the main school and quiet and ultimately thats what she craved.
We have a special unit near us which is I imagine similar to yours. It was discussed to send her there but she was so close to GCSE's and leaving for college it was pointless.

We have certain units but they are really for children who have been excluded or expelled (is it same thing?) or extreme class disrupters (My son, when he was there, was quiet an a pleasure according to confused teachers). He hasn't even taken his options and an exam coming up which he of course will not sit.

From what I gathered about our centre it had SA kids as well as those who were a little more problematic with behaviour and young Mums, though they were taught on a much smaller ratio. Our local council offer to send transport to collect and return as well so any stress of buses is removed.

That's good, , He doesn't much like bus travel.

Compromising and finding solutions smile At least the holidays are coming and hopefully a break for you from worrying.

[Smile]

lol emocions didn't quite work there and the top part should be bold . .my response below it.

Sounds like a similar thing to ours. Would he consider sitting an exam if it was out of the way? Perhaps in inclusion? DD sat a few of hers like that and was much more comfortable.