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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cover (lie)? for my Child

72 replies

RachelRagged · 22/06/2015 09:04

Hello ,

My Son has a volunteer who comes round each week and is due this Wednesday morning. DS said that he does not want him coming round, I asked why and he said he is fed up of people in and out of his life (whole other story but we have had visits from various authorities of late nothing bad)and that he doesn't like Him . (which came as a shock as I thought they got on well).

My AIBU is self explanatory in the title . I would say he was unwell that day or something. Or should I be honest and say that DS does not feel he benefits from the visits ? or get DS to tell him himself .

All advice will be appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
RachelRagged · 22/06/2015 09:23

Thank You Scarlets

OP posts:
Bakeoffcake · 22/06/2015 09:23

Your poor ds.

Explain that being truthful will help him in the long run.

I hope he gets what he wants soon.

LuisSuarezTeeth · 22/06/2015 09:27

Because the volunteer is there to help, not as a threat. If it was that simple I'm sure Rachel would have tried it. The issues surrounding children who don't want to be a school can be complex MrsCS

LuisSuarezTeeth · 22/06/2015 09:29

"Allowing him to dictate"? No you really don't understand I'm afraid.

MrsCs · 22/06/2015 09:32

I've worked with a lot on non attenders Luis and the longer it goes on the more difficult the problem is. The essential message is that a child is worth having an education. Measures such as part time schedules are largely ineffective. It needs to be clear very quickly that it is non negotiable, that when you are there issues can be worked on but not going in is simply not an option.

I'm sure you'll describe it as 'stupid', fantastic and insightful answer as that was btw but I have a very good track record at helping young people improve attendance and get good results.

Weebirdie · 22/06/2015 09:35

Sorry Rachael, I meant push for a diagnosis on the depression. My son came on in leaps and bounds once his depression was being treated.

LuisSuarezTeeth · 22/06/2015 09:39

Bully for you MrsCs

So this method worked did it? They all toddled back to school when told they could stop seeing someone?

Has YOUR child been a non-attender?

littlejohnnydory · 22/06/2015 09:39

Are you in a position to Home Educate him? That way you could get him involved in some smaller social groups that might meet his needs better? My son has Asperger's and engages much better with social situations now that it isn't forced on him in a way he can't cope with. That way you might be able to enjoy his education together rather than it making both your lives miserable? And he wouldn't be missing education whilst he is school refusing.

littlejohnnydory · 22/06/2015 09:40

You might improve their attendance mrsc but at what cost?

LuisSuarezTeeth · 22/06/2015 09:40

Your post was stupid because it was too simplistic. I don't care what experience you have.

MrsCs · 22/06/2015 09:45

And bully for you was really complex and deep.....

I obviously still made it too complex, no my children are not non attenders I have WORKED with them

The 'cost' was a short while of grumpiness with long term good school results and improved self esteem

If the cost was a bit of resistance at first then so be it, a lot of work goes into this kind of change

Mrsjayy · 22/06/2015 09:45

I am assuming the volunteer is some sort of befriender for your son set up by an agency I would keep the volunteer going for now but speak to them on your sons behalf tell them how your son feels I get that your son is fed up and doesnt want the volunteer but to stop the support just on your sons say so might not be the best thing for him. He doesnt have to cummunicate at all when the volunteer is there let them build up a rapport give it a few more weeks and see.

LuisSuarezTeeth · 22/06/2015 09:49

Not trying to be complex or deep, or indeed a smart arse. I understand you worked with them. I asked if you also had a child in that situation because the perspective is totally different. OPs child has other issues too, so in your role as a professional (?) stating that he can stop seeing the volunteer if he goes to school, without knowing any other details, just seems silly.

MrsCs · 22/06/2015 09:53

I assumed OP would give more detail in response, however simple solution are often the best, I was giving her advice not you

Any chance you could offer OP some advice rather than just pick fights with people?

LuisSuarezTeeth · 22/06/2015 09:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LuisSuarezTeeth · 22/06/2015 09:56

Sorry OP I will pm you Smile

cuntycowfacemonkey · 22/06/2015 09:58

You could ask your son if he is happy to see the volunteer if a rule is set that the volunteer is not there to talk about school and their visits are completely unrelated to the mission of working on his school attendance? Ask your son if there is anything he would be happy to do with the volunteer, even if it's just play a board game or a bit of x box.

Let's face it as adults we would all struggle to spend time with and communicate with some random stranger that has been foisted on us and we would probably feel quite resentful of it. Remember too if your son is finding social situations and school hard then home is his sanctuary so it's important that it stays a safe and comfortable place for him. Maybe there could be the option of meeting the volunteer away from home?

DoreenLethal · 22/06/2015 10:06

If it is the noise and moving around that is his main issue; have you explored with the school adjustments eg he leaves class 5 mins before the end and goes to a quiet room, and comes into class 5 mins after the rest? Surely the school should be trying to keep him in mainstream if at all possible.

cuntycowfacemonkey · 22/06/2015 10:10

Why Doreen? I don't mean that in the snippy way it sounds but mainstream isn't necessarily always in the best interests of every child. I think the OP would be wise to explore all options including smaller units etc

Mrsjayy · 22/06/2015 10:18

Mainstream isnt for everychild tbf their education imo is far more important than trying to fit into mainstream school

Debinaboat · 22/06/2015 10:22

Mrscs
I am trying to write out a reply to your initial post ,
I can't , it would be removed .
I have met many like you ,made mine and my ds life harder ,every time .
Thank god my ds wasn't under your care .
Simples !

Debinaboat · 22/06/2015 10:28

Op
My thoughts on your dilemma are that you should allow your ds to cancel these visits .
Imho school refusers also suffer from feeling things are out of their control,allow him to get a bit of control back ,let him make this choice.
You have my sympathies ,iv been down this road and it is hard .for everyone concerned .parent and child .i hope things get easier .

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 22/06/2015 10:33

If you think he normally gets on well with the volunteer, is there any chance this is just the depression talking? Especially if all the other visits have got on top of him a bit.

I'm not sure I'd give up on the volunteer totally at this point, but I would make sure they know what's going on.

mrstweefromtweesville · 22/06/2015 10:42

Oh dear.

ASD people (I'm one) can't just 'switch off' the panic that sets in if the light is wrong, if there are too many people and they are all speaking and moving, if the rules are clear but people don't obey them... school is a real challenge for us (even when you're the teacher).

Despite successes people might have had with firm talk, I don't think it will help in the OPs case.

I'm with littlejohndory.

Talk to son about the importance of gaining qualifications and how he wants to go about doing this. Talk to him about how rare it is to get help for free, so the visitor system needs to be kept up. Talk to the service provider about the approach your son wants to take to getting his qualifications and how they can best support that (eg with a change of visitor, or with the visitor taking a different tack). Are there any lessons your son likes and can cope with? Could you Home Ed with an afternoon or two in school each week? People do this, schools accommodate it. Use online courses, Coursera, Open College etc. Successes will boost his confidence.

Human beings are by nature conformist. They want to conform and even more, they want others to conform. Some of us can't do that. Its like roads. The majority might be zooming down the M1, all in the same direction, not seeing anything of the country as they go. A few will be travelling by the side-roads, and finding destinations the majority will never see.

Don't lie. Ever. Find out what the truth is and state what you need.

DoreenLethal · 22/06/2015 10:46

Why Doreen? I don't mean that in the snippy way it sounds but mainstream isn't necessarily always in the best interests of every child.

No it may not be the best for every child, I run an alternative education training company myself; and knowing that some provision still fails many of the children that are not in mainstream I would at least explore options before removing him forever.

Just because mainstream isn't suitable for all doesn't mean adjustments can't be made that can keep him in. I just suggested it was worth exploring first.