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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

calling current partner by ex name. acceptable?

45 replies

CoolAs10Fonzies · 21/06/2015 08:17

or AIBU?

even though it was a slip of the tongue I couldn't help feeling pissed off.

we were out to dinner with friends, 6 of us there and at the end of the meal dp called me by exw name. everyone heard and there was this moment where they all shut up and looked at me...we were leaving anyway so I just said 'no dp, my name is X get it right' said my goodbyes and we left.

I just don't think there is any need - maybe at the start of a relationship, yes - but not when you've been together for years and are an eatablished couple.

I felt kind of embarrassed and disappointed. dp didn't even apologise really, he was quite blaze about it and said 'well I was with her for 8 years, of course im used to saying her name'

I don't know why it bothered me so much, but it really did.

for me it was like he was happy, a little loose-lipped, relaxed so her name was the one that naturally came out.

over thinking perhaps, but just how I feel.

OP posts:
elderflowerlemonade · 21/06/2015 08:18

I think it does happen to be honest - my dad used to do this a lot and DH often interchanges my name with our daughters.

Original poster
CoolAs10Fonzies · 21/06/2015 08:24

I can understand when it happens to parents, my mum and dad are guilty of it.

but I thought that was down to saying the names regularly, especially when all living in same household?

OP posts:
MuttonCadet · 21/06/2015 08:26

I've done it myself, but mainly in the middle of a row, which in think is forgivable.

elderflowerlemonade · 21/06/2015 08:26

Possibly - I get called our DOGS name! Shock Grin

I do understand - my dad's partner was similarly upset Flowers but he didn't mean anything by it and I'm sure your DP didn't either.

SnapesCapes · 21/06/2015 08:27

My Dad used to often call my Mum by his EXW's name. It used to infuriate her, but I don't think it was ever intentional. He calls me by my sister's name, and my sister by my name, so maybe he's just gone a bit doolally.

Original poster
CoolAs10Fonzies · 21/06/2015 08:31

yeah I suppose im being a little precious, and probably says more about my insecurities tbh.

I had spent the whole day organising a fathers day surprise - which meant communicating with his exw, and actually going to her house (first time meeting) to pick up cards etc.

I was nervous at the time and she was lovely - so maybe I felt a little inferior so my natural reactions were a tad off in that respect.

dp has no idea about the meet but will all come clear later..

OP posts:
MrsBojingles · 21/06/2015 08:32

It happens. He didn't do it deliberately

TurnOverTheTv · 21/06/2015 08:36

I've done it loads, I don't mean anything by it, just a slip of the tongue! What's worse is when you're chatting to your ex on the phone, with current husband pottering around the room, and you end the phonecall with a cheery 'Love you, bye' to the ex :-)

pinkyredrose · 21/06/2015 08:45

Yup slip of the tongue definitely. My folks often call me by my 20 yr old nephews name, I just tell them they're going senile!

penguinplease · 21/06/2015 08:49

I would've made a joke about it, it's so easily done. My poor dp of a year has more than once been called ex of 13 yrs name.
Offer to wear a name badge in future if he struggles!

diploddycus · 21/06/2015 08:51

I do understand how you feel but it was definitely a slip of the tongue.

I wonder if it was because you were out with friends, has your DP been friends with this group since he was with his ex wife? I once said my ex-boyfriend's name instead of my DP's name in conversation with my friends because they were mutual friends of me and my ex and I was used to his name in conversation with them.

SoreArms · 21/06/2015 08:52

I expect the fact you'd met her for the first time that day could have meant her name was on his mind more than usual...

Eva50 · 21/06/2015 08:54

DH occasionally calls me by his ex wife's name and it doesn't bother me. He has 6 children (3 from each marriage) and he often gets their names mixed up too it doesn't bother them either. To be fair I often call my three each other's names and occasionally muddle in the dogs name as well. We have been married more than 20 years so I don't feel threatened by a slip of the tongue (or brain).

However, when we were first together he once called me his previous girlfriends name. I didn't say anything and I don't think he noticed but I was quite upset at that so YANBU.

Original poster
CoolAs10Fonzies · 21/06/2015 09:05

sorearms. he doesn't know I met her yesterday as it was me trying to organise a father day surprise and I needed her help to make sure i could pick up the kids.

looking back I think my reaction may have been ott. I was visibly upset, had he apologised I might have laughed it off but he seemed so indigant.

the friends are our friends, they have never met exw eiyhery

OP posts:
MQv2 · 21/06/2015 10:38

"I just don't think there is any need"

TeAmoReally · 21/06/2015 10:46

I can see how it can easily slip out but I don't think you're being unreasonable or precious tbh. Are you more annoyed by being called the name or his reaction to it when you were visibly upset?

FernGullysWoollyPully · 21/06/2015 10:54

I don't think its precious to be a bit pissy about it, especially at his indignance, but it does happen and I think you just have to let it go without causing a tidal wave. It's not really worth it.

I'd been with my ex for 4 years when I answered our home phone to one of our friends and he said "hello Lisa (ex's ex), can I talk to Mr please?" !

I replied "Michael, it's Fern not Lisa." He was incredibly stuttery and sorry but all I could do was laugh.

Fwiw we call all our kids Dave because we sooo often get their names wrong!

flimflamflarnfilth · 21/06/2015 10:59

My DH has done this a few times over the years. It bothers him more than me. I know that our relationship is good and it was just a slip of the tongue.
Your DP probably feels embarrassed but is trying to minimize it by acting as though he's not bothered?

pressone · 21/06/2015 11:07

My FiL is hopeless with this and I have decided to treat it a a family in joke rather than get pissy about it. To be fair DP was married to his XW for 24 years and we have "only" been together for 8, our names are quite similar (think Janine and Janet).

DP has done it occasionally and I have done it to him too, especially if the ex has been recently conversed or thought about e.g. I wonder if XW will let the kids come to me on Father's Day I haven't heard any plans.

The first time it happens you do feel indignant and possible less significant that the ex, as their name appears to be at the forefront of your loved one's mind, but logically it isn't a big deal. I often call my DSS my sons name, and always saying stuff like can you put the dirty washing in the microwave.

It's not personal, just how the brain is wired.

EveryPenny1 · 21/06/2015 11:11

I was married to exh for 16 years, I've been with DH for 12 years, I have even recently refered to him by wrong name! It happens, it means nothing and is very embarrassing!!!

TidyDancer · 21/06/2015 11:43

In the nicest possible way, you need to get over it. He has nothing to apologise for, it's just one of those things that happens. It's like when a child calls their teacher 'mum' or you run through your entire family before finally getting to the one member you're trying to think of. There's no malice in it.

CainInThePunting · 21/06/2015 11:57

I bet he acted blasé to cover his embarrassment and downplay the cock up so it didn't spoil a lovely evening for everyone.
It was a slip of the tongue.
I'd probably be a little miffed like you but don't make a big thing of it. It means nothing in the grand scheme of things.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 21/06/2015 11:58

I've done it to DH and he's done it to me! It's an accident, nothing meant by it.

Alanna1 · 21/06/2015 12:01

I think it happens TBH. I sometimes call my partner my dad's name and I regularly get the children all mixed up (there are six under six in my very immediate world). My dad calls me by either of my two sister's names intermittently.

mileend2bermondsey · 21/06/2015 12:01

I can see how it would happen, slip of the tongue and that, but I think your DH was BU not not even give you so much as a quick 'sorry' as you were upset.