To ask how depression affected you?

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

I'm irrational. I'm very good at being "happy" around others but usually when the day ends and I'm alone I tend to get all teary, snappy, and generally irritable again.
Some days I just don't want to go out but I try most days for dd.
I know it's a personal thing to ask but im trying to work out if I'm just tired/stressed and need a bit of my own life back or whether I'm depressed.
I'd say I'm generally more angry followed by very teary than generally feeling depressed but I know depression presents differently for different people.
My mother had depression after having me and it's left me wondering if maybe I'm being affected, I'm pretty sure I should enjoy things more than I do, I love my family but I don't really feel overwhelming joy over much and I can't really remember getting excited about something properly... I think after writing this post I may have my answer, but opinions/advice would be much appreciated here.

I felt like I was constantly treading water trying to keep my head above it.

I didn't feel quite as 'present' as I usually did.

I didn't want to do anything really. Just hide away.

Sometimes I'd find impulsive things to do to temporarily fill a void but when that was over it was almost like a 'come down' and I'd dread having to go back to my normal life.

Everything felt heavy.

That's the best way I can describe it.

So sorry you're feeling down

You sound the same as I was. I also was also incapable of making decisions, or remembering where I had put things down. I took a 6 month course of ADs, i felt fine after four months, but was warned to finish the course. Finished a year ago, and have felt fine ever since. (Although resigning from working an average of 18 hours a day as a teacher made most of the difference!)

I think you really ought to see a doctor. He or she should have a sort of checklist to work through to see if you are depressed.

You do sound as if you are depressed but I am not a doc so cannot say for sure. If you are, don't add that to your burdens. Loads of people suffer (often in silence) so you are not alone. It is also not the end of the world and you CAN get better, it might just take a while.

I am sorry to read that you feeling so low, and hope you can get some help to get you started on the road to recovery.

i can relate to some of the feelings you describe - I put off going to the gp for a long time because I was "just tired and stressed". 3 months ago I finally went and doc put me on meds for anxiety and depression.

I am great at being cheery, so much that when I tried to confide in a friend about my depression she simply didn't believe me.

But I am tired, so tired. Sometimes the thought of having to get up in the morning and be a person all over again is a physical weight, sometimes I feel paniced at the thought of going to bed bcause it means waking up and a new day starting.

Sometimes I feel like I am not real. I am floating through life not connecting with it and everything is just an act. Like none of it matters.

I have intrusive thoughts - I don't hear voices but I do constantly think negative things and I can't stop them. You did that wrong. You pissed her off. You fucked it up. You've failed the kids. Your husband thinks you are ugly. Look how fat you've got. My self esteem is at an all time low, and yet I am so good at dancing the dance of the confident and acting all "look how awesome I am!"

I struggle to enjoy things I used to love. Because I see the negative in everything. I went to a theme park recently and I love roller coasters. But on each one I was like "wahoooo this is awesome! But wait, if it goes wrong, I'll die. I'm going to die. My brain feels weird, am I having a stroke? I can't breathe" etc etc. Really bloody irritating.

I also have a lot of issues around food.

Im on meds and having therapy. I don't know yet whether they are helping.

Go and see your GP. I put it off for too long and I am finally in the system and on my way to getting back to some kind of normality, you can too xxx

Feel free to PM me if it will help xx

I seemed to have no feelings. I didn't feel sad, happy, excited, nothing. I couldn't make decisions or concentrate very well. I love reading usually but I couldn't read anything longer than a magazine article.
Sometimes I just couldn't get out of bed. I literally couldn't move.
I also had some episodes of being extremely stressed and angry and crying a lot.

Thanks everyone.
I can relate to a lot of responses, floating through life and not really connecting to anything properly, not wanting to go to sleep because I dread the day so much (not always but if I know I'm goingb be alone with dd and I feel down it really worries me), finding inpulsive things to do- sometimes I'll manage to really set my mind to something and achieve a goal even a simple one like clean the entire house and update my cv and I'll feel so motivated but I almost feel depressed when I'm done- think it's my distraction being completed that upsets me!
I think most of all, I should laugh more and generally FEEL more. I cry sometimes out of sadness but also happiness, it's like a flood of emotion if I ever feel true happiness I generally cry maybe that's why I try and maintain "mutual" emotions a lot.
God I don't know. Need to see a counsellor to work my brain out!

It sounds ridiculous but I felt like I was living in black and white and grey. When my antidepressants started working, it was like the colour seeped back into my world.

needing and wanting to sleep all the time!!
feeling hungry all the time,
total lack of motivation to go out at the weekends apart from the supermarket or even get dressed (what's the point when i'm not going anywhere)
no motivation to do housework or tidy up,
wanting to just sofa surf all weekend,
struggling to get out of bed in the mornings ready for work,
just wanting to eat junk food all the time as its easier,
got diagnosed with depression in december but because of other ongoing medical issues my GP agreed that i would have medication for it and have me a whole bunch of forms to fill in to get some counselling, i'm on the waiting list still, had a letter last month to say they hadn't forgotten about me, at least the crying for no reason has stopped for now, i used to ring my best buddy in tears telling her i didn't know why i was crying again, i was just sad!!

Sometimes it feels like I'm drowning. I keep trying to reach the surface but I can't.

Other times I just feel exhausted. Or empty and just feel nothing.

The dementors in Harry Potter were based off JK Rowling's experience of living with depression which I also find quite fitting.

I was the same as a previous poster - I felt nothing, I would have welcomed pain. I was numb, I couldn't care, couldn't cook, couldn't clean, couldn't watch TV, couldn't read. It crept up on me, I had various bad patches through my early 20s, but nothing exceptional, then I had a bit of a rough time at work and I was just engulfed by it, it was no longer seeping around the edges of my life.

I went to the GP (who was great), took antidepressants, took it slowly, didn't work for almost 2 years, then took a part time job in a completely different line of work and just kept an eye on myself. That was 12 years ago.

Just an inability to enjoy living in the moment because of the constant inner dialogue (ruminating), and over analysing everything and consciously telling myself how miserable I was.

I dreaded being in the house all day with DD. She didn't nap well and I just felt so isolated. What really helped me was meeting with other mums, and also when my mum and MIL would look after DD so I could have some ME time. Even if it was doing the weekly shop, or having a bath, or housework. Is there someone around that could give you a break? What helped me entirely was going back to work a couple of days and when DD started walking, she was soooo much happier!

Could do a PHQ 9?

patient.info/doctor/patient-health-questionnaire-phq-9

For me it's very up and violently down. And it's changing by the day at times. I tend to fake ok and then explode outwardly or withdraw to my bed. I also can't think straight when I'm down. Paranoid and angry. Treatment helped and I'm more stable now though a good counsellor ( took a while but I found a great one ) can really make a difference

sleeping lots
eating very little
very up and down
couldnt concentrate on reading/uni work

Yabu

Why do you say that Mintyy?

Why do you say that Mintyy?

I felt like staring into the distance a lot. Things didn't strike me as funny as much. I didn't want to be around people as much and felt I had to be a bit fake just to be 'my usual self'. I worried a lot about things I wouldn't have before. Felt more guilt, anger and despair.

Knackered, falling asleep all time. Massively, insanely irritable to the extent even birdsong makes me want to murder someone. Obsessing over stuff, repetitive negative thoughts, catastrophising small incidents, lost my logic really - and i know when its really bad cos i stop eating. Mildly down i comfort eat. Properly down i drop weight alarmingly quickly - which of course makes you more tired. Short term memory goes, tearful etc etc

Can put a front on at work but find it massively hard to leave the house when i am like that. Its like the world and people seem threatening and scary because i feel vulnerable emotionally and like i have easy target bcos she is depressed written on my forehead in big letters.

Unable to sleep.
Unable to concentrate.
Issues with short term memory.
Unable to do routine tasks, to get dressed or leave the house
Panic attacks
Nervous stammer
Feeling of being in a void, unable to connect to anything.
Suicidal impulses, eg wanting to walk into traffic.
There are around six months that I have no recollection of at all.

Never get physical symptoms, no problem with sleeping or eating. Though I do feel on edge, nervy and panicky.
Get intensely irratated by small, everyday things, like people talking on the train I can be very bad tempered and snappy and force myself to reign this in.
Small things like getting up and going to work seems huge Herculean tasks that I don't have the energy for.
Best time of day is bedtime, cos Im fed up of dealing with the daily routine.
Negative, intrusive thoughts, anxiety and constant worry become uncontrollable and I cant stop them
No pleasure or joy in anything, all the things I love, like reading, walking are just dull, empty and pointless. I feel devoid of all emotion.
I liken depression to a black veil or mist that comes over me, and smothers everything. I've never felt suicidal but I certainly feel my life is pointless.

It's strange but I feel I have most of the above symptoms. But because I have to for money, I work full time as a lawyer, manage a team of ten, come home and help my teens with whatever they need etc. But I would never think of myself as formally depressed. I thought the difference was that people who were genuinely depressed could literally not move out of bed. But from this thread this doesn't seem to be the case.

And I am constantly worrying / stressing / dreading. Again, I thought this was just my personality not anxiety. I do just get on with things and would think myself self indulgent to do otherwise. I have a family and have to cope. Don't think I am depressed but this thread has confused me.

No short-term memory.
No ability to organise myself.
No ability to act.
Flatness.
A sort of rushing "noise" in my head, which is hard to explain. I always think of the Nine Inch Nails line from "Hurt" - "full of broken thoughts, I cannot repair". I couldn't listen to music, have the television on. I just couldn't bear noise, it was actually painful.
Wanting to pull back, withdraw, just be out of everything, opt out of absolutely anything that put any additional demand on
Slow
Sluggish
A sense of deadness - as if there was just nothing.
Irritable if it were noisy or demanding as I just couldn't stand it
Feeling like I might climb out of my skin somedays
Deep, palpable fear

A lot of people have very self-critical thoughts, but though I had these, I was generally fairly quiet about them. I didn't tend to talk about how useless I was or the like. I had a sort of silent resignation about how trapped I was by feeling as I did.

Thank fuck that's over, actually, reading that.