Am I ungrateful to resent these flower gifts?

[Booboostoo]

DH and I have been married for 10 years. On every anniversary DM sends us a huge bunch of flowers. I hate this and wish she would pack it in.

I hate it for a number of reasons:

1. DH and I choose not to celebrate our anniversary, we exchange gifts/make a big deal at Christmas and our birthdays and that is enough for us. Since we choose not to do anything for our anniversary it feels controlling and inappropriate that DM goes to this trouble on our behalf. Does anyone else get gifts from parents/ILS for their wedding anniversary?

1. DM does not like DH so the sentiment expressed is disingenuous anyway.

1. The flowers themselves annoy me as they remind me of our wedding which was hijacked by DM. We wanted a registry wedding in the UK, but gave into pressure to have a massive wedding in our home country. DM took over almost all the arrangements, invited her friends, fell out with FIL, wore white on the day, refused to invite one of my friends as she had fallen out with him and it would ruin her day, refused to serve the wedding cake we had chosen as it was 'down market', etc. Amongst all this she also ruined the flowers. I wanted daisies and she arranged for a bouquet of some weird rose type flower I don't even know. On every anniversary I receive more of the weird type roses.

So AIBU to shove the flowers in the bin? I would love to tell her to pack it in but it would only be another reason for her to focus on her own suffering from her ungrateful daughter.

see where you are coming from op, give them to a friend or someone who you know will enjoy them, dh needs to talk to her though and make it clear it's not on and not wanted. ultimately though you need to drop the grudge and move on, without the flowers.

I like the idea of passing them on to an elderly or lonely neighbour. That way you get to enjoy making someone's day and you can enjoy getting one over on your mother by enjoying her flowers IYSWIM. I might even be tempted to tell her what I'd done!

You are not being ungrateful, I would be tempted to do like in Friends, when the person receiving the flowers, sent them back shredded to the sender. I know that isn't feasible in the real world. I'd echo passing them on, and telling her, and act as if you expect her to be pleased about it. .

Are they peonies?
sorry not helpful I know. She sounds like an utter nightmare, passing them on is a good idea.

she would always maintain her motivation as kind. Yes, it's quite a clever one, this. Because who would find something negative in such a kind gesture? What sort of daughter could be cross with her mother for sending lovely flowers with such thoughtful thoughts etc?

She has you stitched up like a kipper op because ostensibly you'll look churlish/ungrateful/silly if you object or say anything. You know she's bullying you, and she knows she's bullying you.

The fact she doesn't particularly like your DH is interesting. If you and he did celebrate your anniversaries and he was the type to want to buy flowers for you, her big expensive flowers would be even more inappropriate.

She has taken over your wedding, and is monopolising your anniversary.

Perhaps this year, it's time to put an end to this. When she phones the first time, just say something like 'actually I'd really rather you didn't.' Then if she asks why not, you could say 'because it feels like you are taking over and if anyone should be buying flowers on our anniversary it should be DH or me'. Then if she sends them anyway, write a 'thank you' letter reminding her that you asked her not to and saying that you have given them away and will do so if she does it again.

If she has a strop, then so be it. You don't have to be held hostage to her strops anymore. If she stops talking to you for a bit, think of it as time off

My grandmother was a total narcissist. My mother tiptoed around her for years to avoid setting off an Epic Sulk. There were lots of minor sulks over perceived slights, which would last for days until my mum cracked and apologised.

Until the time - when I was a young adult - that she didn't apologise. She said her piece and left it. Didn't call and grovel, didn't call at all in fact. Ignored the pleas of my grandfather and uncle to apologise so they didn't have to keep hearing about it constantly.

After three months, my grandmother called and acted as if nothing had happened. Mum was civil, but there was a subtle power shift in their relationship after that - knowing Mum could maintain no contact changed things for my grandmother. They lived in the same community and being estranged from her daughter, who was well-known in the town, would have been very difficult to explain, apart from anything else. They maintained a halfway decent relationship until my grandmother died earlier this year.

My mother has always spoken about those three months of no contact with enormous fondness.

I love the ideas of giving them to a local care home or an elderly neighbour. NC is great. You could actually tell the delivery person that Booboo has moved and you don't have a forwarding address. I'd change my phone number, and tell any well meaning relative to keep their nose out of my business. Trouble with narcs is they are very manipulative and many people think they are wonderful. pp made me laugh about not putting flowers up, so here you need quite a lot of it to deal with these types of people.

YANBU ...she sounds like a dragon, and the 'weird rose' flowers are without a doubt, a passive-aggressive dig.
If you bring it up, she will turn it around to make herself look the victim. Ignore her and just take pleasure putting them straight in the bin

Yes oddly enough they are peonies!

fantastic you are spot on! She loves labelling me weird, with exaggerated reactions and unappreciative of her efforts - she has the martyr complex down pat!

Jassy I have tried the 'I will not talk to you until you apologise' route, she eventually apologises like a toddler, I.e. mumbles 'sorry, are you happy now?!'.

I have far too much experience in these matters op

Booboos - I don't think that would have worked with my grandmother either - mum just withdrew. Nothing. No request for an apology, no conditionality.

I think by saying you want an apology you're giving her some power - is indicating that talking to her is something you're interested in doing at some point, and it's in her gift to decide when it's going to happen.

It's awful. My grandmother doted on me but the way she treated two of her three kids was horrible, and it was only after decades of her shit that my mum honestly decided not to care any more. The guilt and feelings of inadequacy turned into a sort of disgusted pity.

goblin 'and at least she is making an apparently friendly gesture;' - is exactly what she is NOT making. It's a gesture of power, of control, of PA- not friendly at all.

OP - nothing you can do for these toxic people is ever good enough. You can thank profusely, you can crawl on knees, you can spend hours on the phone ... there is always something else. You can, however, stop trying. Stop trying to appease, stop worrying about other members of the family being drawn in (flying monkeys,they are called) and stop doing that people-pleasing thing of being/doing what you think she wants.

you don't like the flowers? PA response - take them to a neighbour/hospital etc and keep quiet. SHE will think she still has it over you. And why wouldn't she do that every year? She enjoysit.

Or do as a PP says - let her strop. Let her ring and froth and pester everyone. It doesn't last long - and, like a toddler-tantrum, won't happen so much the next time. And the time after that.

You cannot appease her with doing what she wants.

Do read the Stately Homes - for later, when she 'has a life-threatening illness' or 'is just passing and thought she'd pop in' or whatever next these controllers do.

You are BU if you chuck them. Make someone else happy instead. Just make a new label for the flowers:
www.thelonelybouquet.com/ilbd.php
I'd love to find one of these.

Btw I live peonies but my husband buys chrysanthemums. AIBU ?

I think you should move house and change your phone numbers and never look back!

Last time we spoke she threw a fit. We are going back to our home country for BIL's wedding and planning to see her but not every day because BIL's wedding takes priority. So she called To say she needed to see me urgently about financial matters which she refused to talk about on the phone. I've been living abroad for 24 years and four times she has convinced me to catch a flight back for 'emergencies'. So this time I put the phone down on her...silence for a week and today she calls as if nothing has happened. She is unstoppable!

This sounds awful. Thin is, even if you pass on the flowers you have to deal with the phone calls and attention seeking behaviour, which is worse.

Either: tell her the truth, or lie and tell her one of you has developed hayfever and can't have flowers in the house

Or just carry on with gritted teeth. You have my sympathies.

There's a bigger problem here than flowers. I'm sorry that you're dealing with a manipulator who doesn't respect your husband. I'd cut contact I think - very difficult though.

LET. HER. THROW. A. FIT.

It's her choice to behave like this? You don't have to dance to her tune. You are a grown adult.

She threw a fit? Of course she did . she will every time you don't do what she wants -unless you stop her. Unless you actually stop her.
Just doing what she wants is never going to stop her.

Honestly change phone numbers and go nc. You really do not need that kind of stress in your life.

So she lives in a different country to you. Is your father still around? Do you have any sisters there? Do you come from a culture that is very big on family? She sounds a nightmare but maybe it's loneliness rather than vindictiveness? I think you are probably focussing too much on the flowers. Just give them away and don't give them any further thought.

My father is dead but was an alcoholic and absent. I have a brother who has a spectacularly unhealthy relationship with my mum- he lives right next door to her, she decorated his house, does his shopping, organises his cleaning, etc. They both scream at each other over nothing, sulk, then call each other 10 times a day. My brother has never had a long term relationship with anyone (he is nearly 40), doesn't work and I feel his life is doomed (I don't want to sound melodramatic but all my brother has is the insane relationship with my mother).

My mother's main problem is her need to control, she can't understand relationships or love other than through control.

Christ, OP, your brother sounds like my uncle. Lived with my grandmother (except for short periods) until she died. The two of them had a very close, very weird relationship.