Am I ungrateful to resent these flower gifts?

[Booboostoo]

DH and I have been married for 10 years. On every anniversary DM sends us a huge bunch of flowers. I hate this and wish she would pack it in.

I hate it for a number of reasons:

1. DH and I choose not to celebrate our anniversary, we exchange gifts/make a big deal at Christmas and our birthdays and that is enough for us. Since we choose not to do anything for our anniversary it feels controlling and inappropriate that DM goes to this trouble on our behalf. Does anyone else get gifts from parents/ILS for their wedding anniversary?

1. DM does not like DH so the sentiment expressed is disingenuous anyway.

1. The flowers themselves annoy me as they remind me of our wedding which was hijacked by DM. We wanted a registry wedding in the UK, but gave into pressure to have a massive wedding in our home country. DM took over almost all the arrangements, invited her friends, fell out with FIL, wore white on the day, refused to invite one of my friends as she had fallen out with him and it would ruin her day, refused to serve the wedding cake we had chosen as it was 'down market', etc. Amongst all this she also ruined the flowers. I wanted daisies and she arranged for a bouquet of some weird rose type flower I don't even know. On every anniversary I receive more of the weird type roses.

So AIBU to shove the flowers in the bin? I would love to tell her to pack it in but it would only be another reason for her to focus on her own suffering from her ungrateful daughter.

I am very close to going NC with her (not because of the flowers of course!) but I feel really bad about DD who loves her. I left home at 18 and have been away since, maintaining contact because of my gran. My gran passed away 4 years ago and since then I see less and less reason to keep in touch with (D)M. DH used to try to encourage me to build more of a relationship with her but even he now thinks that would be a bad idea.

Refuse delivery, and don't answer the phone to her for a week either side of the anniversary. After that just keep repeating that you don't wish to discuss it. Let her sulk, but don't listen to her sulky strops, repeat the 'We don't wish to discuss it line' and say you'll speak to her another time and hang up. Otherwise she'll be doing this for the rest of her life, and it won't get any less annoying.

Alternatively, get divorced and live in sin with your DH instead.

Nearest nursing home for me too as pp said. Nice touch.

If we don't answer the phone she goes bonkers. She calls all the numbers non-stop, then gets my brother or my uncle to call as well to check that we have not died.

Last time we spoke I put the phone down on her and only felt relief that I was free from her for a few days. I know that sounds like a desperately awful thing to say about one's mum but she is such a negative, draining person, who won't change, and won't acknowledge there is anything bad about her behaviour.

I realise I am off on a tangent, apologies. Clearly this is a massive can of worms for me.

Lovely booboo LET HER GO BONKERS!

Tell your flying monkey relatives that you're fine and for them not to get involved, and say that if they want to remain in direct contact, it's for you and them, not to do with your DM.

you really can do this. Theirs is emotional terrorism

Have you seen the Stately homes thread in Relationships?

Yes, I follow it on and off but have never posted.

Sweety, this is your life, not hers.

Ouch. I had similar from PILs.
NC wasn't a concept I'd come across when they were alive.
I read something really useful once - resenting someone (for doing wrong to you) is like carrying a hot coal and expecting them to feel the pain.....so tell yourself 'ouch, ouch' and drop the coal.
Much easier said than done, I know.
I was going to use the flowers emoticon, but realised just in time......

I wouldn't tell her. If you don't like them then just throw them out, compost them or gift them to a nursing home or day centre. Or even the local doctor's receptionist or a favourite cashier at your supermarket or bank. I personally wouldn't leave them on a stranger's doorstep as I would not like to have flowers left on my doorstep. I wouldn't think that was random kindness I would find it seriously creepy.

Send her some flowers you do like - note - I wanted THESE!!!

Booboo let her strop. They run out of ammo pretty quickly when you actually stop trying to placate them.

Yes we get a cad and a small token gift (champagne, photo frame with the song we had on wedding day hinted at, framed quote from a reading wr had etc.) It's lovely. We also get them from our best man and one of our bridesmaids.

Do not accept these evil stems of petally bastards.

Start phone calls 6 months ahead. "DP and I are absolutely agreed. We cannot accept flowers anymore. We want you to use that money to treat yourself instead."

Follow up phone calls "Just calling to remind you that we agreed you are not sending flowers anymore... " etc.

Or give them away.

Well, the point is , you and your husband are happily married after 10 years of your mother's disapproval, and at least she is making an apparently friendly gesture; can you not take the flowers to a graveyard and put them on a family grave?

Personally if I were you I'd donate them each year to a hospital or elderly person in the neighbourhood and when she starts make the least possible fuss, acknowledge the genture with a thanks and change the subject. She wants the attention so starve her of it

You could donate them to a local old people's home, I'm sure they would appreciate them. She sounds like a toxic control freak to me, I would let her know where the flowers will be going in future too, what have you to lose, she'll still think you're the ungrateful daughter anyway IMO.

I would say that I appreciate the gesture but would prefer different flowers in future because you've never liked that type and it reminds you of the disappointment over your wedding bouquet. You will never receive different flowers and she will be melodramatically hurt but it will end the problem.

Don't accept them when they're delivered. Just tell the driver to take them back to the store or bin them.

I think you should donate them to your local care home or similar. I'm just back from visiting my mum who is bedbound in a nursing home and loves the flowers I bring her. I guarantee they would be appreciated.

Fucking flower-sending bitch! How dare she mark your anniversary? Burn the flowers and send her the ashes.

Re: the not answering the phone thing:

Start now. Do not be available every time she rings. Yes, she'll go bonkers and ring all the numbers. Don't answer those phones either. Yes she'll get a relative to ring. Don't answer that. An hour or two later ring the relative and ask them what they wanted. When they say they were asked to ring by DM as she thought you were dead, just say ''ohhhh - all's fine. I was in the bath, in the garden, in the loft, went out without my phone, phone was on silent, didn't hear it ring - how odd!, was dealing with DCs and forgot to call back ..... '' or anything else you can think of. Tell them you'll ring DM ... and then do it the next day. Or much later.

Keep this up for a few weeks/months - not answering every single call, maybe answer one in three - and she'll gradually stop the expectation that you will always answer.

I speak from experience. Even down to the ''you could be dead/i could be dead'' (!) crap. She still rings a lot, but i don't answer every time, and use the excuses in rotation. The ringing all numbers and other relatives took about a year to die down.

Good luck.

Bloody hell OP, go NC , think of her chipping away at you for many years to come and getting at you through your dd as she grows up.

Take care.

EastMidsMummy have you rtft in its entirety and understood the sentiment behind what OP's Mother is actually doing?