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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel upset by DH's statements?

40 replies

Possiblyneurotic · 18/06/2015 08:41

Last year, BIL (DH's brother) had an affair, with SIL's best friend. DH was (I felt) very reluctant to criticise what BIL had done and kept trying to justify it. When I asked him straight out whether he thought infidelity was ok, he said that of course he didn't, but still kept trying to find reasons why BIL wasn't a bad person etc.

This week DH is away with work. The night before he went, he told me that sometimes he was bored when he was with me, and didn't I feel the same about him after 5 years of marriage? I asked him what it was that he felt was boring, and could we try to address it, but he couldn't give me any specific details. He then went away with work. When I spoke to him on the phone yesterday, I said that I was still quite upset about what he had said. We are talking about having another child but if things are shaky then I feel that it would be irresponsible of me/us to carry on and bring another child into the middle of a potentially difficult situation. I asked him whether it was true that he was bored when he was with me and what would happen if he met someone he considered more interesting?

He seemed really annoyed that I was asking and just said that of course he wouldn't ever leave us. He said that of course he would meet interesting people and being married didn't mean that you stopped fancying anyone else, just that you stopped doing anything about it. I am really sad about this; I don't think that I have felt that about anyone else since we've been together; it just wasn't on my radar. He was really annoyed that I was upset and said that it was terrible that I didn't trust him etc, and we had to trust each other, and that I was twisting his words to give them their worst possible meaning.

I've honestly never been some sort of crazy, jealous wife. I would never in a million years dream of checking his phone or demanding that he didn't work away etc. Until I saw his reaction to everything that everything happened with BIL last year, it would never have occurred to me to ever wonder whether there was a problem. However, in light of that, and of his comments this week, I did feel that in if we were talking about another child, then it was important to try to bottom out any potential issues before TTC.

AIBU to be hurt by those things? I am exhausted from getting up in the nights with toddler DD and have really bad PMT and I fear that I may be completely losing the plot. Is it totally unreasonable of me to feel upset by those things? Please will someone talk some sense into me?

OP posts:

Paddingtonthebear · 18/06/2015 08:51

I would be upset by that. There may not be anything to it but it would make sure my eyes and ears were wide open from now on, keeping an eye on things

TerrorAustralis · 18/06/2015 08:53

YANBU to be hurt and distrustful. I would suggest marriage counselling.

knowsaymuhfuh · 18/06/2015 08:54

You can't read anything into him making excuses for his brother, and you were silly to try and make him say his brother is a bad person.

Nothing else you said of him makes him likely to cheat, although if you keep going on about how you think he will before packing him off to be around nice women, or punishing him for not calling his own brother an arsehole, which almost seems like giving him stick for "being the kind of person who thinks cheating is alright" then you might be unpleasantly surprised at the results.

Only1scoop · 18/06/2015 08:57

Yanbu to be upset.

Who wants to hear their Dh justifying their brothers affair with his sil's friend.

The other stuff isn't healthy to hear either.

Id be sitting down for a chat about this.

Topseyt · 18/06/2015 08:57

He can't make that sort of comment and expect it to have no effect on you. He is being totally unreasonable to expect that.

I think all marriages go through this sort of slightly rocky period, but you can't just tell the other party that you are often bored with them an expect it to have no effect.

It sounds as though tact is not your husband's middle name. He is being a motor mouth here and I would call him on it. Very firmly.

He us a family man. He should act like one. He is free to think what he likes, but not act on it and also be less of an arse with stuff he says.

ApocalypseThen · 18/06/2015 09:05

I think it would be fair to point out to him that if he's sometimes bored he's half the boredom himself and he'd want to get scintillating before blaming you.

eyebags63 · 18/06/2015 09:07

TBH I think YWBU to try and get him to criticise his brother.

I would be upset by his remarks but I would want to dig and find out more what he meant. Did he mean he is bored with the relationship or was it just a clumsy way of saying 'life is boring'.... i.e. mundane and gritty reality of life doesn't live up to what most of us had hoped for, especially once married with kids, etc.

CaTsMaMmA · 18/06/2015 09:09

I'd be putting baby plans right off the menu with this man for the foreseeable

Absolutely what Topseyt says ...he IS a family man who needs to take account of his wife and family, not be out there masquerading as some Jack the Lad, hard done by soul.

And as far as him being bored goes...I'd start finding myself plenty of other interests that don't include him, and give that attitude right back to him....boring?? takes one to know one. yaaaaaawwwwnnnnn

...but then i am a bit childish and vindictive.

silverstreak · 18/06/2015 09:13

Yanbu. IMO you don't "fancy" other people if you're happy in a relationship - you are able to recognise them as attractive objectively only - so either he's a bit rubbish at expressing himself verbally, or his eyes are wandering.... An element of If BiL can....?? Don't blame him for not condemning BiL on its own though as that may be just really strong loyalty (misplaced though it clearly is) and standing up for family is everything for some people.

Also think his getting annoyed at your concerns is a bit worrying - may be feeling guilty?? People usually get angry/go on the defensive when their conscience is bothering them! Not saying he's cheated or cheating but wouldn't mind betting that since Bros indiscretions have come to light "what if" has started popping into his mind... Sorry Op but that's what I would be thinking....

NeitherHereOrThere · 18/06/2015 09:19

Sounds dodgy.

What is he doing to make life more interesting and exciting for you both?

BarbarianMum · 18/06/2015 09:25

Been married for 11 years, together 13. A couple of times over the years I've met men I've 'fancied'. Never done anything because I love my husband (and I fancy him like mad too) but I can't deny the feeling has been there.

On the other hand I have never found dh boring in the least. I do occasionally go a bit mad about the mundanity of everyday life and want to chuck it all in but the person I want to go off adventuring with is him (and the kids of course).

OP I'd put more children on hold and get to the bottom of what's going on with your husband if I were you.

knowsaymuhfuh · 18/06/2015 09:28

Well let's be fair, people sometimes go on the defensive when someone is suggesting there is a possibility of them cheating, when they haven't done anything bloody wrong. It's an unpleasant thing to happen to you.

I think that this sort of behaviour can drive people away from you anyway - if there is an expressed issue with "boredom" already, you are playing with uranium, OP.

I would rein in your trust issues and (without being desperate about it) try to focus on fixing the issue of "bored" rather than driving a wedge between you.

I know it sounds harsh, but I'm not being hostile I'm telling you the truth - trust issues can drive all but the best, most understanding people away.

SlaggyIsland · 18/06/2015 09:29

What terrible "advice" knowsay

Only1scoop · 18/06/2015 09:36

'Fix the issue of bored'

Because obviously that's the Op's to 'fix'

knowsaymuhfuh · 18/06/2015 09:38

I don't think it is, but you're free to disagree. It's honest advice, intended to help.

Someone making excuses for their brother is not a good reason to suppose they also would rob a bank/shag around/whatever - families are complex things, but loyalty can be quite a simple thing.

Asking questions like "is your brother a bad person", "do you ever fancy other women", "did you love your ex" and getting upset about loyal or honest answers, is stuff a possessive teenager would do.

I happen to think that when DH is worried about feeling "bored" in the relationship and is concerned enough to express it in whatever way, that is definitely not the time to indulge childish jealousy. In fact that is the worst thing you could do, at the worst moment.

I am sure there are plenty of people who will do flower emoticons and say there, there, so I feel no guilt about saying to the OP what I would say to a friend - get over the jealousy issues because a red flag has been raised that you need to attend to and they will make it worse.

MsVestibule · 18/06/2015 10:09

I love my husband, but have fancied somebody else. I would never do anything about it, because it would ruin so many lives.

If my sister had an affair, I don't think I'd think of her as a bad person, either. She's my sister and I would, rightly or wrongly, support her whatever she did.

So I'm a bit mixed about this one. The only thing I would be concerned about is that he said he was bored when he was with you. Were those his exact words? Or was it more 'married/family life can be a bit boring sometimes? How has your relationship been generally over the last year?

AuntyMag10 · 18/06/2015 10:15

Yanbu. About the Db affair that would have made me see him in a very different light.
About the comment, it's good to be honest in a relationship but he's telling you he is bored and then offers nothing else to work on this. He leaves you with a pretty big system of his feelings and expects you to just get over it. That's not fair at all.

Malenky · 18/06/2015 10:16

The comments he made were quite disrespectful to you, and everyone is different but I think that cheating is so hurtful and bad even though people think it's more acceptable these days. I'd have a chat with him about how the comments made you feel and do something for yourself like go out with your friends, have a spa day etc as you are always more interesting to be with if you are an interesting person in your own right.

AuntyMag10 · 18/06/2015 10:17

Statement not system

BathtimeFunkster · 18/06/2015 10:28

YANBU

I think, given how cruel his brother was to your husband's SIL, that it's really appalling to be defending his behaviour.

Her best friend?

A person who can come up with justifications for that is not someone I would trust to do the right thing.

Also telling you he's bored of you right before he goes away sounds to me like alibi creation.

Being happily married doesn't mean fancying people like when you were single but nobly denying yourself the chance to shag them (unless you are really BORED, of course).

The thought of being married to someone who found being married to me boring, who found other people far more interesting, and who was only faithful out of a sense of duty, is so depressing.

Definitely don't have another child with this unkind, unloving man.

flora717 · 18/06/2015 10:38

I am really biased (because of my experiences). If your DH feels there may have been a justification for an affair then that's probably a result of upbringing. Ex MIL for eg felt that my ex BIL couldn't really be "to blame" when his wife focused on their two children. My ex clearly agreed and would strop that he no longer got my exclusive attention.

On the other hand he is being reasonable to expect you to trust him and, where you are having a wobble to raise it at a good time to properly talk. The phone /away is an unfair scenario, all non verbal communication is excluded and words can be so much more loaded with meaning. And your subtext is very accusatory for this time away.

Personally I'd not trust someone again in your situation. But, I'd carefully arrange a time to talk it through.

BathtimeFunkster · 18/06/2015 10:46

On the other hand he is being reasonable to expect you to trust him and, where you are having a wobble to raise it at a good time to properly talk.

So he gets to drop a bomb like "I'm bored of you", refuse to explain, fuck off away on business, but his wife has to wait until a "good time" to raise how she's feeling as a result?

Fuck that.

Why should she trust a husband who just told her she was boring and their life together was boring?

ScorpioMermaid · 18/06/2015 10:59

yanbu OP, I'd be gutted if my DH said that to me

riverboat1 · 18/06/2015 12:11

Why should she trust a husband who just told her she was boring and their life together was boring?

That is really overstating it, he apparently said he was 'sometimes bored when he was with her'

I think it is insensitive and he shouldn't be surprised he upset you. But I also think that, for me, it is normal and OK to fancy other people and sometimes be bored of the routine of a life you have built with someone. It doesn't mean I would cheat or leave, those are just the downsides of a LTR or marriage but they don't even cone close to cancelling out the upsides.

Marynary · 18/06/2015 13:09

The fact that he doesn't want to say that his brother is a bad person because he had an affair is not an issue. Who would say that about someone they love?

I also wouldn't be concerned about that fact that he stated that being married doesn't mean you stop fancying other people as I'm sure that is true. It's naive to think otherwise and it doesn't matter as long as you don't do anything about it in my opinion.

The suggestion that he is bored in your company is a bit more worrying although it could depend on the rest of the conversation and context. Perhaps it is just because life is a bit of a drudge at the moment and you don't get much chance to socialise and do interesting things? That will change as your child(ren) grow up and you get more time/sleep.

Anyway, it doesn't sound to me as if you have anything to really worry about. As you said, you are tired and exhausted and things seem worse than they really are when you don't feel great.

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