to feel upset by DH's statements?

[Possiblyneurotic]

Last year, BIL (DH's brother) had an affair, with SIL's best friend. DH was (I felt) very reluctant to criticise what BIL had done and kept trying to justify it. When I asked him straight out whether he thought infidelity was ok, he said that of course he didn't, but still kept trying to find reasons why BIL wasn't a bad person etc.

This week DH is away with work. The night before he went, he told me that sometimes he was bored when he was with me, and didn't I feel the same about him after 5 years of marriage? I asked him what it was that he felt was boring, and could we try to address it, but he couldn't give me any specific details. He then went away with work. When I spoke to him on the phone yesterday, I said that I was still quite upset about what he had said. We are talking about having another child but if things are shaky then I feel that it would be irresponsible of me/us to carry on and bring another child into the middle of a potentially difficult situation. I asked him whether it was true that he was bored when he was with me and what would happen if he met someone he considered more interesting?

He seemed really annoyed that I was asking and just said that of course he wouldn't ever leave us. He said that of course he would meet interesting people and being married didn't mean that you stopped fancying anyone else, just that you stopped doing anything about it. I am really sad about this; I don't think that I have felt that about anyone else since we've been together; it just wasn't on my radar. He was really annoyed that I was upset and said that it was terrible that I didn't trust him etc, and we had to trust each other, and that I was twisting his words to give them their worst possible meaning.

I've honestly never been some sort of crazy, jealous wife. I would never in a million years dream of checking his phone or demanding that he didn't work away etc. Until I saw his reaction to everything that everything happened with BIL last year, it would never have occurred to me to ever wonder whether there was a problem. However, in light of that, and of his comments this week, I did feel that in if we were talking about another child, then it was important to try to bottom out any potential issues before TTC.

AIBU to be hurt by those things? I am exhausted from getting up in the nights with toddler DD and have really bad PMT and I fear that I may be completely losing the plot. Is it totally unreasonable of me to feel upset by those things? Please will someone talk some sense into me?

Could he not want another child at the moment? Could he want the relationship you had pre children - more couple time.

Yabu about this. You are concerned because he wouldn't condemn his brother and there is nothing wrong with that. Many people try to justify loved ones actions, when the actions were wrong.

Your dh is at least being open and telling you he isn't happy at the moment. Would you prefer him not to mention it?

Thanks very much for the responses.

DH and I have had it out at lunchtime and he was very apologetic. I am feeling pretty worn out and sad about this but I need to get off my backside and make sure that we pull it back together again.

Does anyone have any suggestions for things they have used to get their relationships back on track (taking into account the restrictions imposed by living with small children). We have booked a session with a counsellor and have agreed to take a day each couple of months where we just go out the two of us. Any other strategy suggestions would be really welcome. Thanks!

Wow OP inam glad you have had a chat but i am concerned that all this has become your problem to fix. You are not a fucking entertainment centre for him!

What has he done recently to make your life/lives interesting?

If you are so overrun and time poor with a young family, what is HE doing to help and free up time and space for couple time.

Other than just bitching that he is bored?

Good luck with the counselling. And I am sorry he hurt your feelings; he was very unkind imo.

I would be gutted if my dh said this. And while it's true that some fundamentally good people do have an affair, I think you have to be a total prick to cheat on your wife with her friend! If my brother did this, I would be thoroughly ashsmed of him, not finding ways to justify it.

I agree with posters who say this is not just your problem to fix. If he is bored, he has a responsibility to do something about it, not just expect you to fix it.

I would be looking at his phone and skype and internet history tbh, and not taking his word as gospel truth. I'll get flamed for saying it but those sorts of comments would have wrecked any trust I felt.
Definitely shelve the idea of ttc - that will not help relieve any strain on the marriage.

Counselling is a great idea - find one you like. This might not be the first one you see.

It almost sounded like he's being laying the ground work to justify an affair.

That was his shot across the bows, op.

"sometimes I am bored with you"

so now you have to make your lives and yourself more "interesting" or else what ?

and if you fail (chances are you will, if it is all one sided) then he can tell everyone he tried his best but it just didn't work out

you are on trial, op....how does that make you feel....safe ? secure ? Or fighting a battle you cant see and have even less chance of "winning"

Yep, that's the long and short of it OP. I'm sorry. Think you should post on the relationships board - a lot of women have gone through similar and will have good advice for you

Dont leave it at a vague idea of going out every coupke of months. Make a date. That's why it is called date night. It could be as simple as dinner out on the 3rd Tuesday of the month, or that one of you organises something like going to a movie or to see a band. But get the first one scheduled and figure out how the next one will be. Or it will just be an idea niether of you gets around to.

There are no downsides to a good marriage.

Who wants to be married to someone who is bored by the life you have built together and wishes they could fuck all the other people they fancy?

Oh, but it's totally fine, you can trust them because they won't actually do it.

They'll stay with you feeling unsatisfied and disappointed with life.

Fucking wonderful.

Anyfucker's right - you're in trial now, and the pretext of your boring life and struggling marriage has been created.

And sorry, but if your brother acts like a wanker and treats another member of your family (because that's what his wife is) like shit, then you don't defend him.

Unless you think what he did was basically OK.

Glad you had a chat and are addressing things - I can understand him not wanting to dis his own brother but I would hope my dp would understand that I needed him to tell me something that showed while he loves his bro he knows it's not the right way to behave. So, he could say "he's my brother, I'll stand by him no matter what, but I'm really disappointed in him, I wouldn't want anyone I know to behave like that" or something (which is pretty much how I would feel if I found out my sister had cheated).

I'm more concerned about his anger at you raising concerns, course it kind of depends how you did it and you say he was away for work, if he was in a different timezone and had been on a long flight etc then he may just be tired and stressed.

My dp works away a lot, often in the US. He had an affair in his marriage with a woman he met on a work course - so obviously this leaves me feeling a bit vulnerable when he goes away. But we have discussed it and if I mention it, he is super helpful in reminding me he won't cheat and phoning me when he can (time differences permitting) etc.

Plus, last week (I also work away in the week) he said something about 'reviewing me working away [me, not him] because we're not seeing much of each other', it was only a quick comment but it left me quite upset and worried. So, next evening I spoke to him about it more - it's actually him being away that is the reason we don't see much of each other [and his job is nit more important than mine - well, it's not to me!], I am away max four nights in the week, but mostly only two or three, whereas he goes away for a week at a time and because it's the US he often flies at the weekend and when he gets back is jetlagged - so of course I said all that and he apologised and we talked about what that meant. If he had got annoyed at me I'd have been really suspicious.
In fact it turns out he worries I am having a ball in London without him when the truth is I am chatting to strangers on Mumsnet and playing Candy Crush Saga with Millionaire Matchmaker on in the background (pretty much the same as at home......where I am now while he is away on a boys' holiday!)

You need to be able to raise concerns within a relationship and feel they are taken into account and addressed properly, even if it takes some time to get all your true feelings out.

In your position OP I would be investing in myself.
You are exhausted, possibly stressed and now you are the one who has to make the effort to stop your husband becoming bored.
Aye right.

I would be sorting out some childcare, meeting with friends, join an exercise class ( will help with your PMT). Go swimming, pamper yourself.
Not for your OHs sake but for yours.
Take some time to invest in yourself.
Let your OH do the running.
Let your OH know how lucky he is to have your attentions- give them sparingly.
Men like to be kept dangling sometimes.

I don't think YABU op.
As other has said he seems to have made it your responsibility to 'fix' his boredom which isn't very fair.

I also don't get the 'blind loyalty' family thing either.
While he doesn't have to condemn his brother as a 'bad person' it seems that by trying to justify it as you said indicates he can't accept his brother has done a 'bad thing'. Which is completely different.
While I do agree is doesn't necessarily reflect on his own behaviour I do think it's worrying. How far would he go in defending his brother. If he found out for instance his brother was being physically abusive to his wife, would he 'brush it under the carpet', or actively condemn him?
Things can get very toxic in these kind of family set ups, because, quite frankly, it does affect the way you see them and makes you question their morals.
To me, this family set up smacks of being not comfortable enough to express honest opinions to each other, in which case, the relationship clearly isn't as 'strong' as these people delude themselves into thinking it is.

I'm all for supporting family through thick and thin, but I still have my morals, and although I would still love and try to support my family, I'd still be able to be as disgusted by their behaviour as I would by a strangers.
That's just my opinion anyway

I can see where op is coming from. I changed so much after having children, I became engulfed by being mum, DH didn't know how to handle it.

I hope that your DH meant that you will both be working to fix things rather than just you. You both need to be on board.

To be honest, I read your last update as you saying that YOU want to get off your backside and take action, not that he has necessarily put all of the responsibility onto you. I'm not sure you actually reported directly what he said and what he himself proposes to do.

He must have agreed to the counselling session at least, as you say it is booked. Take it from there. See what happens, but make sure that you do get regular outings just the two of you when you can. Try not to limit it to only every couple of months. Every couple of weeks if you can. Make sure you aren't the only one organising them. It should be about 50/50.

I know how you feel. My DH has often been very prone to putting his foot in his mouth, and then being mortified when offence is taken although he can at first be stubborn over admitting he is wrong. Over time I learned to just pull him up sharply on it and walk away. Every. Single. Time. He has improved vastly. He runs things past me now when he knows he needs to have an important discussion with work colleagues or with family and friends. He knows that I won't mince my words - if he is about to make a huge and judgmental twat of himself I will tell him so and suggest how he could make the same point whilst toning the language down a bit. That is just how it works for us. Is your DH perhaps somewhat like that too?

Your DH's brother behaved badly. My DH has a brother who behaved similarly, and also far worse. Their decisions over how they view their respective brothers though are theirs alone, and have to come from them. My DH does condemn his brother's behaviour, and their relationship is very limited because of it.

I will wish you good luck.