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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to text/contact DH whilst attending a family funeral/wake?

37 replies

ChanandlerBongsNeighbour · 16/06/2015 23:47

Went to a close family members funeral today. Geographically far away, involving three hours each way on public transport. Highly charged and extraordinarily emotional due to young age of the deceased and sudden unexpected nature of their passing plus the fact that they left three young children. Lots of family there I hadn't seen for a LONG time (years!). Kissed DH goodbye early this morn, dropped DC's at school then began to make my way to funeral. Text DH whilst travelling. Had long, emotionally charged day with family then made my way back home. Text DH at start of journey home, he sent some pictures of what he got up to with DC's afterschool.
Got home late to be greeted by DH in a complete strop that I hadn't text or phoned him during the day, that he must be low priority etc and when I'm with my family I forget about him (& by extension our children!). I have a pounding headache and sore face etc from all todays crying so basically told him I couldn't deal with him right now and have come to bed. He's in a huff downstairs.

AIBU to have not contacted him during this upsetting traumatic day or is he a selfish prick who has managed to twist things to be about him?

OP posts:
Sheitgeist · 16/06/2015 23:49

He's a selfish prick. Can you imagine texting at a funeral?

Sorry for your loss Flowers

choirmumoftwo · 16/06/2015 23:52

YANBU. You let him know you were travelling safely both ways and that's enough on such day. He's being childish. Sorry for your loss x

MrsHathaway · 16/06/2015 23:52

YANBU. HIBvU and yes making things about him.

If you'd been at a hen do or similar then he might have hoped for a catchup, but in the circumstances it would have been pretty rude for you to keep texting under the table.

It sounds like he has wider issues with your family. Does he always want to be the centre of attention?

AlpacaMyBags · 17/06/2015 00:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Canyouforgiveher · 17/06/2015 00:06

Tell him is in fact a low priority when you are away grieving at a funeral.

Does he really expect to be high priority all the time? How exhausting for you.

Sorry for your loss. After such a hard day, how awful to come home to someone throwing a tantrum.

ErrolTheDragon · 17/06/2015 00:27

YANBU. Rather odd as you texted each other when you were on the train home and it sounded like he was ok then, he could have texted you again or called if he wanted to chat. Being on the phone during the funeral and wake would not have been appropriate and surely a grown man can go a few hours without contact?Confused

I'm sorry for your loss, hope he untwisted his knickers and gives you some support. You needed a hug not a huff.

WanderWomble · 17/06/2015 01:00

I would have sent a text when I arrived (My hubby worries!) but apart from that, my phone would have been in my bag on silent.

MitzyLeFrouf · 17/06/2015 01:02

Mobile phones have turned us into the neediest specimens on earth. The last thing you need at the end of such a day is someone bleating 'me, me, me'.

AcrossthePond55 · 17/06/2015 01:19

Makes you wish mobiles had never been invented at times, doesn't it?

I have a friend whose DH is that way. We can't go anywhere without him texting her multiple times about trivial things or asking why she hasn't texted him. Drives me mad.

When I'm out without DH, I text or call to say 'I've arrived' and 'I'm leaving, be home round XX o'clock' as he does worry. He does the same for me. If we're someplace really fun or exciting, we'll send a random picture or two with a 'wish you were here'. Other than that we leave each other alone.

I think your H owes you an apology, a cool damp cloth to wipe your poor, sore face, and a nice hot cup of tea to soothe your misery.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your relative. I lost a dear cousin the day after she had her second child. It's devastating. I'm sure it was a very trying, sorrow-filled day.

DarthVadersTailor · 17/06/2015 02:04

Tbh OP, if you've gone the whole day without contact and he's not used to that them maybe YABU. Obviously texting during the funeral ceremony isn't reasonable at all and I'm sure that he'd understand that but if it were me I'd be slightly miffed at no contact purely because I'd want to know how you were!!!

Sorry for your loss my dear and I hope that the family member got a nice send off Flowers

DarthVadersTailor · 17/06/2015 02:08

Saying that OP, I do think your fella is unreasonable in making such a big deal about the lack of a text especially given the circumstances. I'd say expressing one's viewpoint and then letting it go rather than stay in a huff and act all sullen would have been a much more sensible and sensitive way to deal with it.

sykadelic · 17/06/2015 02:36

You didn't say anything about how long it was that you didn't contact him outside of "Had long, emotionally charged day with family".

If it was only a couple of hours, no YANBU. If it was much longer than that, then yes I think YABabitU. You could have texted after the service itself. Then depending how long the wake took another message in between there to let him know you hadn't left yet. If you're driving it's natural for him to worry if he hasn't heard for a long time.

You were at a funeral though and didn't exactly need to be yelled at/made to feel guilty the second you got home. He could have at least waited till the following day to say he'd been worried when he hadn't heard in so long etc etc.

However... "when I'm with my family I forget about him (& by extension our children!)" implies you have form for dropping him when around your family, so I think past history came into play a bit.

Original poster
ChanandlerBongsNeighbour · 17/06/2015 04:28

Thanks everyone. Mrs Hathaway yes unfortunately he has massive issues with my family which is causing some conflict between us.
His issue seems to be that I was 'socialising' (as he calls it) and appeared not to give him a thought (for about 4-5 hours).

We don't text really during the day anyway, maybe the odd one but certainly we are used to going a day here and there without hearing from each other.
I'd say it was the first time I'd seen/been with my family without him with me for YEARS (maybe 7-8?). Every other time (weddings etc) he would've been there). He has issues in general with socialising and social interactions and the necessity of them!
DarthVadersTailor yes I agree, if he'd told me he was upset not to have heard from me then accepted my response about how hard the day had been etc that would've been different, instead we ended up having a row about it which didn't help.
I was getting tearful on the way home thinking that I just wanting to get in, put my arms around DH and have a little cry on his shoulder and a cuddle and was just miffed that he didn't feel that the day I'd had warranted that.
Thanks for responses all.

OP posts:
AlisonBlunderland · 17/06/2015 04:51

How often during the day did he text you?

Original poster
ChanandlerBongsNeighbour · 17/06/2015 04:56

He didn't!

OP posts:
Blu · 17/06/2015 05:33

He has been completely U, unsupportive, possessive and controlling . I can't believe anyone thinks you should / could have been busy texting him in the middle of such an occasion . How clingy can people get? It's pathetic ,
I can understand if he felt concern for you and was worried about how upsetting it all was for you, but to have a tantrum because you didn't text him in the midst of a famy tragedy is just plain nasty .

So sorry for your loss, OP.

musicalendorphins2 · 17/06/2015 06:38

I am sorry for your loss, and your rough day. You did nothing wrong, and even if you did, which you didn't, he should be treating you extra kindly. Instead of sympathy, he gives anger, instead of support he is being a pain in the neck. Somebody died, yet he begrudges yof a peaceful evening, and tries to make it all about him. Leave him to pout, you need a hot bath and comfy bed, if your DC are still up you can all cuddle together then get a good night's sleep. By then he should have come to his senses, but if not, my thoughts would be too bad, so sad.

contractor6 · 17/06/2015 06:47

I think there is something else hes upset about and using this as excuse to have a go. However you've been at a funeral and the for hes being very unreasonable.

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 17/06/2015 06:56

He sounds spoilt, controlling and I hate to say it, jealous. It's a fucking day all those who attend wish they never have to see and this fool is throwing his toys out of the pram then giving you the silent treatment.

Is he babyish and sulky generally?

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 17/06/2015 06:56

YANBU, you texted on both journeys, that should be plenty, what did he think was going to happen? I don't think there's any need to keep in contact periodically during a day away from home. Even if you do it normally, as a PP said, he should have mentioned it once and let it go. I'm sorry for your loss.

Preciousbane · 17/06/2015 07:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jackw · 17/06/2015 07:03

Throwing a strop for a made up reason rather than giving you a hug and asking how it went after such an emotional day is just nasty. I think you should tell him that.

SabrinnaOfDystopia · 17/06/2015 07:03

Yanbu, not in the the least. And him calling attending a funeral "socialising" would make me very angry indeed.

MrsBobDylan · 17/06/2015 07:10

There is no justification for your H behaviour. He is turning an extremely sad day into a drama all about him and his 'needs'.

A grown adult does not need to receive texts/calls throughout the course of a funeral. The two you sent were plenty. And he and your dc were not your priority for the day, there was no need for them to be. The dc had their Dad to look after them and dh could presumably take care of himself for one day (although his subsequent 'what about meeeeeee, it's all about meeeee'behaviour might suggest he's not a grown up at all).

I feel so Sad for you - he's behaving horribly.

Get some rest now and resolve to tackle this issue when you feel able.

LindyHemming · 17/06/2015 07:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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