AIBU getting so stressed over wedding

[singme]

First time poster as I need some perspective. I want to be told to relax and it will be fine.

Getting married in November. Obviously it's a bit short notice so I've been venue hunting like mad and found one I really liked. Maximum 95 people. DP and I have drawn up guest lists which are 45 people each. Roughly half friends and half family. We've each got half our mutual friends on our respective lists.

I never wanted a big wedding but 90 seemed perfect as we know and love all the guests. DP has met all but one family on my list and they wrote to us both after we got engaged. I've also met most of his list although not as many.

I visited DPs parents for the weekend and they were pretty aghast at his list. He works abroad so he isnt often around to come with me to visit them. They added 8 more couples. These couples all have 2-3 children who range from toddlers to adults living away from home. DP says we would probably have to invite all their kids as other family on his list have kids coming.

So that's another 35 people. I've already decided not to take the venue I like to allow for more people on his side but they are hinting there are more relatives from America that might come and we need room for them just in case. So we should book a 200 person venue.

Relevant info- we are not having evening guests.

• My parents offered to pay for the original 90 people. They can't afford to pay for any more guests from our side to make up the numbers.
• My DPs parents have generously offered to match or exceed my parents contribution as they understand more people will be expensive
• We are having a civil ceremony at the hotel we choose. DPs parents were desperate for a church wedding so I've already let them down.
• I've never heard of any of these extra people in 10 years of knowing DP (we met in school)

So do I.

1. Pick a huge venue and say go for it and be grateful that I have such generous parents and in laws.

1. Pick my favourite venue with a reasonable capacity and tell them they can add some more people but not all.

1. Along with DP tell them I'd rather not have so many people I don't know at my wedding and stick to a smaller number.

I'm probably going to do a mixture of the above but the whole thing is making me nervous. DP would like to invite maybe four of their extras but he is as stumped as I am about whether to invite grown up kids!

Please just tell me it will all be fine in the end!

Do what you want OP. If you want and are happy with the first venue then go for it and don't try to find another.

I had a big wedding and wished, then and now, that we'd just gone to City Hall (the New York version of the register office).

She doesn't want all of her own choices. They are her parent's choices to. Yes it is far for parents to pay for a wedding if they want to. Anything else is communist dictatorship surely?

You are very chippy about this. How did you pay for your wedding?

Cactusannie - I don't want it all my own way I dont think! And I don't think paying for it all ourselves is going to decrease the emotional investment that our parents have. Although it will give us more control and reduce the "too many cooks effect".

I didn't ask my STBILs for money I asked for their requests. And I got them so can't complain!!

I want a compromise where me, my DP, my parents and all our guests are happy.

My parents have had lots of input into their side of the guest list and also into the type of venue and entire type of day. It's just lucky that they either have similar ideas to me or completely pander to me without my knowledge. I had suggested a few cheaper ideas but they were really keen on a sit down meal and I think it will be nice!

My in laws have also made a very specific request which we are doing but it will probably out me. I have I admit that although it was difficult to factor this in initially in it wasn't too much off a compromise so hardly selflessly doing it!

It's not worth falling out with my in laws over. I think we just have very different ideas about who comes to a wedding. Just because I don't agree with their view doesn't mean they'll be less hurt.

If I do exactly as they say I'll be unhappy (and my DM)
If I cut some people off their list they'll be unhappy (no matter who foots the bill)
If I cancel the whole thing and do it really small (like both sets of parents only or elope) everyone will be unhappy

You can't win with weddings can you?

I've just got to make a decision based on utilitarianism and my own principles, live with it and just carry on. We'll all get over it! Worse things happen.

Oh just seen all the above posts!

Cactusannie- it's nowhere near 15k that my parents are paying, but even if it was, why does receiving a gift from one family mean that I have to do what everyone wants. So if they bought me a house (just to be clear they haven't!!) my in laws can say we want an extension built on your house or we want to redecorate, we will pay, and I have to do it? But I get that I couldn't take their money and then build a swimming pool.

Everyone who has tactfully pointed out the fact that DP hasn't sorted this, you're right, I know what matters to my parents and what doesn't in a way I don't really know with his. I need him to be around more to help. It won't be long before he's home for good and then things will be easier. I feel a bit silly being so stressed over this but you've all been great at giving some perspective!

My DH is Italian, so we had to invite all his relatives from Italy to our Uk wedding. However, most of them were elderly/wouldn't travel so didn't come, so bear in mind that although for form's sake you may need to invite these overseas relatives, they may not actually come. We then went on to hold a second wedding reception in Italy where they all came.

Stick to your guns.
I was incredibly thoughtful of everyone else re our wedding. Organised it for convenience of venue, cost if accommodation for guests etc etc But I did not shift on the day guests. 60 of them. 40 nominally for DH and I and patents had input into other 20. MIL was not happy but we agreed she could do what she wanted with 'her' 10. She got over it.

Cactus so you made all the decisions and your parents contributed. How hypocritcal.

Just saw that you asked for their requests op, so really you cannot be hacked off that they have given you their requests!

Heels99 no I know that . I asked for it really! I just posted here to ask what I should do when their requests was not as I expected. If I had the chance again I would still ask them rather than having it all come out later when I had booked stuff.

OP. Do whatever you can to have the day that you and DF want.

A wedding with 200 guests is far less intimate than 95. With 95 you can celebrate together. 200 seems almost like a public party.

I don't think you should stress at the moment. Don't be pushed into making a decision. Wait until you and DF can work out a compromise you are both happy with. The venues will still be there, and if they're not available on your chosen date, can you move the date? Don't allow yourself to be pressured.

Can I just make one comment though? All the way through your posts you are referring to what I want, my wedding, what I choose, I book etc. I'm sure this is just a turn of phrase, but don't forget to share the fun of planning your wedding with the most important person in your life.

This is your wedding

Not theirs.

Speaking as a woman who is also getting married this year. You wrote your lists and they are the people who are important to you. This is about you and your DP. Nobody else.

You need to please no one but you and your DP.

Do stick to your guns. I nearly cancelled my wedding because of the stress and weighed just over seven stone on my wedding day. My DM just would not leave me alone, even when I went to my room she just could not stop. When I stayed with my DP, she rang me continually til l told my dad I wanted to cancel. He said I couldn't because the invites had gone out!

My DP's parents sulked on the day but that was nothing new. They wanted to invite some of their horrible friends who became violent and abusive when they had a drink. My bridesmaids argued about what they were wearing etc and behaved like they were entering Miss World.

That said, the church looked beautiful (Easter Saturday) with all the flowers and walking in and seeing my relatives smiling at me was just lovely. My Uncle died not long afterwards and I will always remember his happy face on that day. The rehearsal was hilarious, as the vicar kept getting names wrong and everyone was laughing. As for the rest, well I could take it or leave it.

You simply cannot please everyone and no matter what you do - and you seem to be trying so hard to please - someone will be unhappy.

Cactus it is hilarious that you are so bothered that someones parent's are happy to pay for a wedding with few strings attached.