AIBU getting so stressed over wedding

[singme]

First time poster as I need some perspective. I want to be told to relax and it will be fine.

Getting married in November. Obviously it's a bit short notice so I've been venue hunting like mad and found one I really liked. Maximum 95 people. DP and I have drawn up guest lists which are 45 people each. Roughly half friends and half family. We've each got half our mutual friends on our respective lists.

I never wanted a big wedding but 90 seemed perfect as we know and love all the guests. DP has met all but one family on my list and they wrote to us both after we got engaged. I've also met most of his list although not as many.

I visited DPs parents for the weekend and they were pretty aghast at his list. He works abroad so he isnt often around to come with me to visit them. They added 8 more couples. These couples all have 2-3 children who range from toddlers to adults living away from home. DP says we would probably have to invite all their kids as other family on his list have kids coming.

So that's another 35 people. I've already decided not to take the venue I like to allow for more people on his side but they are hinting there are more relatives from America that might come and we need room for them just in case. So we should book a 200 person venue.

Relevant info- we are not having evening guests.

• My parents offered to pay for the original 90 people. They can't afford to pay for any more guests from our side to make up the numbers.
• My DPs parents have generously offered to match or exceed my parents contribution as they understand more people will be expensive
• We are having a civil ceremony at the hotel we choose. DPs parents were desperate for a church wedding so I've already let them down.
• I've never heard of any of these extra people in 10 years of knowing DP (we met in school)

So do I.

1. Pick a huge venue and say go for it and be grateful that I have such generous parents and in laws.

1. Pick my favourite venue with a reasonable capacity and tell them they can add some more people but not all.

1. Along with DP tell them I'd rather not have so many people I don't know at my wedding and stick to a smaller number.

I'm probably going to do a mixture of the above but the whole thing is making me nervous. DP would like to invite maybe four of their extras but he is as stumped as I am about whether to invite grown up kids!

Please just tell me it will all be fine in the end!

BlueDolphin think you are making a bit of an assumption there, where does OP say it was a "duty" visit to her in laws?

OP having people at my wedding I didn't know wouldn't really bother me, if it meant something to my future inlaws or parents but we are all different.

It smells like a duty visit to me.

Maybe that says more about you then OP though, she didnt say that, in fact she says they are "great" people.

Great people would stand back and let their son and his fiance have the day they want.

Take your future mil to see your chosen venue. Might help her visualise things as you do, then dm future dh can ask her which extra five spaces she would like to fill (or more eloquent words to that effect)

Very large weddings can be loads of fun if you are the sort of person to enjoy arranging a bloody enormous party and not the type to get stressed about the silly small stuff.

However, if you are a bit anxious about it, don't fancy it/work FT/have other things to do besides arrange said party for the next 6 months then one option is to suggest that Mil arranges a celebration in Europe to which the USA cousins can attend, all the locals that she would like to have there, and only fairly close family will attend the wedding. Given it is a civil service it is sort of an opportunity to save face as you could have a blessing there [assuming you are happy to]. Your parents and siblings could also attend.

You could point out that the average costs of holding wedding events in the UK is v high, the Euro exchange rate is poor at present and by simply inviting her preferred guests to the wedding, it sort of places them at an obligation to travel or give a gift if they would have attended an event closer to them at home. At least it would in Ireland. People genuinely feel obliged to attend weddings at vast expense if they receive an invite and if they can't attend are often very generous with a gift. I felt it was better manners not to invite them at all personally.

One final thing is that the average wedding has a minimum drop out rate of 10%, sometimes up to 20%. People get ill, are too pregnant to fly, have work commitments they can't move, can't take kids out of school/get childcare to attend or their Plus 1 is a wanker and cries off on the day. You might have more flexibility in your 90 than you realise. We could easily have invited 180 people, we got it down to a core 110 and there were 98 on the day.

95+16=111, with a 10% drop out rate that's 100 people. You could go with your original venue and issue invites with an early RSVP so that you could invite the final 8 couples [no kids at all - or the parents will send them as substitutes and then you are sunk] if you have enough space with 6 weeks notice.

I think you should stick to your guns, and say no, you want this venue and there's only space for 95 people (including the bride and groom!) so that's only 3 spare places now, and they can pick one couple for those, however, you will get your invites out very early, so that there's time for 2nd round of invites without being rude, if you get RSVP declines / some people not bringing a partner/their DCs that you'd factored in the numbers. I would get your invites out at the start of August at the latest, allowing a second round of invites at the start of September, and still being more than 6 weeks before the wedding (the official invite time).

I would point out as politely as you can to PIL this is your wedding, you and DP have been together for 10 years and these people haven't made any effort to meet you in all that time, (or your DP even mention them!) you don't think it's fair to tell you they are important to be there!

A 90ish guest wedding is still quite big, but not scarily so, a 200 guest wedding is a very different sort of event, you are assuming you'll not be able to chat to all your guests, it's a lot more terrifying to stand up in front of 200 people, less than half you know or ever expect to see again, than stand up in front of 90 people, pretty much all of whom are part of your life.

I know a lot of people view weddings as some sort of community event, but to me, the big 'group wedding shot' shouldn't contain a large percentage of people neither you nor your can name when you look at it on your fifth wedding anniversary.

These people haven't made any effort to meet you in 10 years with DP, your DP thinks so little of them he hasnt mentioned them in 10 years. Then these people aren't going ot be all that upset to miss DP's wedding, although they might take umbridge at missing "MIL's son's wedding", they wouldn't be there to see you or your DP get married. There will be people in the room at your wedding who will not care about you and your DP if you go along with this.

Don't make your wedding be an event you look back on and regret.

Oh no I didn't even factor me and DP in to the numbers ???? I'm so bad at this!
I enjoy visiting my in laws, but when I have a glass or two of wine I tend to forget to assert myself and just smile happily along and say "ok I'll ask DP what he thinks". I think that's as much a problem as anything!

OP - that's a very common mistake couples make when drawing up their lists (as well as not including the brides parents if it's a traditionally invited wedding so the invites are sent by the brides parents, don't need an invite, so don't get put on the list and counted!)

Time to put your foot down, do it now, with the "they can be on our "B" list and we'll get our A list invites out in the next few weeks so there's time to invite them without being rude".

I think you need to be ready for this with PIL and instead smile and say "I really don't want a big wedding, I want to be able to enjoy my wedding day and I won't enjoy a big wedding." and keep repeating. They are the ones being selfish if you tell them and they continue to push for a huge affair, but if you don't tell them, you cant blame them for asking for a bigger 'do'/assuming it's only money that's stopping you having a 200+ affair.

It seems a shame not to marry at the nice, in-budget, available venue for 90 which you've found. Also risks in taking money offered with clear strings attached.

I had more guests at my wedding than I originally wanted (pressure from both my own family and DH) and it definitely contributed to my anxiety and lack of enjoyment of much of the day. it was disconcerting to look around the room and see a fair number of strangers and to have to try and remember who they were!

Stick to your guns and don't accept any money from anyone. When DP and I got married we had a v small wedding (35) and paid for it ourselves. MIL was HORRIFIED and offered to pay for whatever we wanted as long as she could have input with guest list. We politely refused and said that actually this message WAS what we wanted. Its your wedding.

I don't think it's necessary to invite grown up kids. My family has lots of family friends and I would never expect to be invited to weddings of the grown up children, or to invite them to mine, unless we were actively still friends.

My parents paid for my wedding and did invite a fair amount of people they wanted, but DH and I invited all our friends too, and we were able to draw the line at some people (extended family that no-one has seen for decades). MIL threw a HUGE hissy fit over not inviting some of her family. We caved - never even got RSVPs from them.

I think it is reasonable to draw the line somewhere, otherwise there will be other things that will come up and stress you out.

Dont forget you're supposed to feed the photographer too. So that's another one.

Really stick to your guns. It's your (by which I mean the plural - you and stbh) day, not theirs.

And yes have a B list. Invite them if others decline.

Have the venue you want, with the guest list you want. Tell the inlaws they can have spaces for however many you have plus reserve spaces. Be firm and pay yourself if it helps.

The photographer gets fed but isn't usually counted in the guest heads.

OP, I ordered invites for 120 guests completely forgetting most were couples. Doh!

Sorry I haven't been clear about the money. I think money STBILs are offering is specifically to cover the extra guests. If the extra guests don't come then we don't need it. They offered right after I said that the bigger venue was more than I wanted to spend and were asking how much is it per head. So yes it's very much strings attached.
My sister has found another venue that I might like so going to see that one and then decide.

Weddings are a little give and take, but I definitely don't thing you should invite friends of family children's children. Or change your idea of your wedding day so that yours and your DH guests are totally mismatches in numbers. Your own parents may be a bit peeved if they are in the minority for a wedding they paid the bulk of.

I'd have the set numbers you want, but give your FUture PIL the choice of who to invite out of the (say) 25/30 spaces you have for DH family. Then they can decide on the priority list so won't feel as put out.

It's your wedding! I married young and was forced by elderly relatives to invite distant relatives and family friends who I hardly knew and some of the people I really wanted there I couldn't afford the extra costs . Stick to your guns

I think that's a bit unfair cactusannie. The op has been clear that her and dh could pay for it themselves but that her parents have willingly offered without strings.

Let me get this right op. You, your soon to be dh, and your mum (who with your dad is contributing to your wedding costs) don't want a big wedding. Why then should your ils wishes over ride that?

Unless your dh feels strongly about inviting these people who are so far removed from him that he hasn't even mentioned them in 10 years I'd stick to your original plans. Yanbu to push for the wedding you want, and your parents want, especially given that you and they are paying for it.

I think the people suggesting OP pay for it herself are being unfair Her parents had offered to pay for the wedding the couple wanted, and then the DPs parents have stuck their oar in and are demanding a wedding that might literally be twice the size.

Not to mention that venues for 200 are quite hard to find in England anyway.

I do think however, this is another example of the male half of a couple (I presume your DP is a bloke?) not actually bothering to discuss things with their parents until after decisions have been made. And then causing the potential for upset from the grooms parents who have come up with a load of unaccomadable plans a bit too late.

It is quite a common source of angst on these threads, and in RL ime. It is desparatly unfair that the OP, who will probably end up doing the bulk of the organising, (ie not the DP, not her parents and not the DPs parents as that is the way it is nowadays) is having to think about this and do the negotiating.

I don't really think it is ok to demand a load of extra guests, increasing the overall complexity of the wedding, when in all likelihood they probably aren't going to take on much responsibility for the logistics.

They have been offered it as a gift. Should all people refuse all gifts?

Also, I think it is naive to suggest that parents will put up and shut up if they aren't paying.