Staying with a friend. He's very generously hosting us and he is a very good friend of DH's. We have known him for years, he is lovely, very highly intelligent, and in his own very unpretentious way, very sociable. Before the inevitable suggestions, he isn't autistic. He is extremely proud and stubborn though.
He has always been a complete slob about most things that don't interest him (very basic levels of housework, eating properly, doing any exercise, following conventional social norms that he thinks are snobbish or wankerish). He grew up on a farm, so is used to dirt, insects, mice etc.; and his mother was a hoarder with a personality disorder, and his father has always said little about the mother's habits, and neither parent could really clean or cook, so he's used to the house being dysfunctional and his diet being terrible, as he has never really known anything else.
A few years ago he had an illness that left him partly disabled. It was life-changing for him, and I am in no way criticising the fact he has responded by burying himself in work and letting a lot of other stuff go. However, I honestly think he needs help.
His house has gone from being a real mess, to being a completely filthy mess that is very dysfunctional. It is grimly dirty, centimetres of dust, cobwebs and dead insects all over the furniture, mud on the floor, crumbs on tables from years ago; sprouting mould on the taps, walls, curtains, shower curtain; shower that doesn't work, loos that have never been cleaned, etc.. It's stuff that could easily be kept under control with a weekly visit from a cleaner - but at the moment he's been in the place nearly 4 years and has evidently never cleaned any of it.
He has gone from being someone who did a bit (not enough) of exercise, to someone who does no exercise at all beyond walking slowly (he can't easily do stuff on his own - though I bet physios and gyms could help him a lot). He eats absolutely crap food, and drinks too much beer - and it shows - he is obese, unfit, red in the face, and looks 10 years older than his age.
He is usually too proud to mention it, but he hasn't had a girlfriend in years - and I suspect that a lot of that is down to the fact he's delightful in the pub/at work, but when potential girlfriends see his house, they run a mile. He says it's because of his disability, but I think that is vastly less of a problem than the filthy house and personal habits of beer/burgers/ crappy computer games/ no exercise.
DH, the friend's father, many other friends, have all stayed with him over the years. (Until this trip I've only ever met him in the pub, at work, or at our place.) Not one of them has told him "you need a cleaner, the place is a tip, if you don't currently have mice and bedbugs it's not obvious why not; you need to sort out the lack of exercise, the beer and the burgers or you will be dead in 10 years". DH and I discussed last night whether i would offer to clean the place today while they are at work together, and decided friend would be too proud and hurt if I offered.
Friend thinks I'm a bit amusingly twitchy and overly concerned with wankerish social norms. Compared to his social circle (computer guys; friends from the parents' remote farming district) I probably am a bit uncompromisingly clean and clean-living (I eat properly and do exercise). My DH has gone from fitting easily into the friend's circle 10 years ago, to perhaps also being a bit too clean/clean-living.
Thus, I think that if I say "seriously, you need to sort this out", he will ignore me. How can I get the message across? Should I even try?