Help - PIL no manners or common sense

[GoldenBubble87]

I live in a shared house with my DH and two DC. It's shared with DH Great uncle who is in his late 80's , it's rather awkward. We moved in with uncle to keep an eye on him and because the house needs some TLC. (It's a grade 1 listed old heap!) I am at a loss and feel stuck. I love my DH very much but his parents are driving me insane!

The PIL live only a short distance away and MIL visits uncle often but has her own keys. When MIL or FIL visit they let themselves in, they could ring door bell and uncle or myself or DH could let them in but they use their keys then leave door wide open and don't lock it when they leave.

The PIL have no respect for uncle or us. I have asked DH to speak with his parents but he can't see the problem. I don't like the fact that I never know who's in the house! So many people have keys! PIL, Uncles cleaner, various other relatives, also a string of random careers have also had access to the house when uncle had a knee operation and needed help whilst recovering.

Also great uncle lets anyone in and sends them through to our part of the house without knowing who they are! I have tried to explain that they need to come round to our front door or make them sit on the door step. No great uncle invites them in to sit on sofa whilst comes to find us! So unsafe!

I have fitted a lock and alarm to our dinning room that leads to kitchen
So I know if someone comes in via the back of the house. I don't feel safe and I don't feel it's safe for the children either.

Please any advise would be marvellous.

OP - could you fit something like this here to the internal side of the front door???

No-one could get in unless the door was opened by you.

It sounds as though you're lodgers, not tenants. Look up your rights snd show your husband how vulnerable ypu are legally (and keep the information in mind for yourself, too, if this should break you up...)

OK op, I would recommend you change the code on the key safe. That means anyone who wants to use the key needs to get the code from you, or knock on the door to come in.

It means only people who actually need access to your uncle, like his carers or HCP's can get in without your knowledge.

As for your mil and fil, I'd change the locks or put a chain on the door so they can't use their key. If they moan about it say you found a strange delivery man in the house after the last umpteenth time they left your door lying open, and you are worried about things being stolen.

In the long term I would save up and put a deposit on a house. Even if you rent it out and stay with family, it means you have something of your own in case anything goes wrong.

Ok so have asked DH if we can change the locks! Apparently there is no problem, we don't need to change the locks. He doesn't see the problem with his parents letting themselves in when we are here. Then passes the buck about it was probably the uncle that should have shut the door and locked up the other night. surely the MIL should have ensured door was locked when leaving. It takes the biscuit I've told him I want out but he is being blind and deaf, doesn't see it from my point of view. Said I want to leave /move with or without him. I feel we have no privacy. Since moving in I've also had to stop my post because GUncle opens and reads it all.

My parents leave their door open at all times and the keys in their cars. They live in a village. They have been doing this for 50 years and have never had anything stolen so they are happy to continue.
My dh locks the doors at all times, even when he is just in the garden. I drive him mad by leaving windows open when I am not in the room as "anyone could get in".
This goes to show the different attitudes people have to security.

I am very sorry that you and your dh have such wildly different attitudes. You sound as though you are at the end of your tether. Can you go and stay with your family or friends?

He doesn't see the problem because he grew up there and those is normal to him. He's not going to get it I'm afraid.

Is there any way you could go back to work and start to pay for your own accommodation? Depending on his family like this is not good for you as a family. You have no power, it's not really your own home.

I really think you'll have to take the initiative yourself to get out of the situation.

VenomousVorpent, when I was a child we did the same left door and windows open never locked them.
Everyone in village knows GUncle is deaf always used to leave door open and people have boasted to me that they used to walk in have a look around trying to find him!
We also have a footpath at end of garden which is not fenced!
I've experienced first hand strangers just walking in to my old house, they just opened our back door and walked straight in! Just chancing their luck! My dad has had several people try his doors recently chancing their luck. It's not unreasonable that I am being more security conscious??

I can't believe people are telling you to change the locks, instead of just asking them to stop letting themselves in, at least in the first instance.

I mean, sure, it'll probably be awkward.

But no more or less awkward than standing on the other side of the door listening as they try to fit keys that don't work into locks, while it dawns on them what's happened, and then you're all just standing there, either side of the door as the stalemate unfolds. Surely this is way more socially uncomfortable.

Ok if it doesn't bother him then it won't bother him if you make yourself feel safe then will it.
Get the locks on get a joint email from you both to the extended family that that safety will be paramount from now on. That includes safety of uncle and all who actually live in the house.

Make it matter of fact, just getting on with business kind of thing.

Put internal bolts on your areas of the house where you really do t want anyone to intrude.

Have you ever gone to their house and just barged Into Their bedroom to see how they feel about it

Mojo17 - MIL has barged into our bedroom to find me before! They have no respect or manners! I have never and wouldn't just barge in to family or friends house it's not a done thing!

The problem is your DH I think, of course he loves his Mum ( and I find it nasty that this is used as some sort of insult) - its quite normal to love your parents. The issue is their behaviour and how it is firstly effecting you and your DHs apparent unwillingness to take your concerns and upset on board.

Barging into your bedroom is too much. I hope you shouted at her.

But at far as the rest of it goes, you're on dodgy ground IMO.

It isn't your house and you aren't paying a proper rent that would entitle you to assert your own wants over communal areas. You're long-term guests really.

Check your legal position and try and have a long chat with your husband over whether the financial savings are worth the expense to your peace of mind.

To clarify, I wasn't suggesting you should make any adjustments to their house without talking to them.and agreeing it! They would have to agree to it at least, and you'd have to check it against the Grade 1 listing stipulations too.

This wouldn't bother me at all. I like an open house for family.

But if it bothers you, you'll have to move! No situation is perfect - presumably you are living rent free and expecting to inherit.