Help - PIL no manners or common sense

[GoldenBubble87]

I live in a shared house with my DH and two DC. It's shared with DH Great uncle who is in his late 80's , it's rather awkward. We moved in with uncle to keep an eye on him and because the house needs some TLC. (It's a grade 1 listed old heap!) I am at a loss and feel stuck. I love my DH very much but his parents are driving me insane!

The PIL live only a short distance away and MIL visits uncle often but has her own keys. When MIL or FIL visit they let themselves in, they could ring door bell and uncle or myself or DH could let them in but they use their keys then leave door wide open and don't lock it when they leave.

The PIL have no respect for uncle or us. I have asked DH to speak with his parents but he can't see the problem. I don't like the fact that I never know who's in the house! So many people have keys! PIL, Uncles cleaner, various other relatives, also a string of random careers have also had access to the house when uncle had a knee operation and needed help whilst recovering.

Also great uncle lets anyone in and sends them through to our part of the house without knowing who they are! I have tried to explain that they need to come round to our front door or make them sit on the door step. No great uncle invites them in to sit on sofa whilst comes to find us! So unsafe!

I have fitted a lock and alarm to our dinning room that leads to kitchen
So I know if someone comes in via the back of the house. I don't feel safe and I don't feel it's safe for the children either.

Please any advise would be marvellous.

I couldn't live like this. I'm not surprised that you're unhappy about it. Your DH is probably quite at home there, and as it's relatives, doesn't see it as much as a problem.

It's not your space to decide who comes in and out. I don't think it's about manners or common sense. You don't have ownership or a proper rental relationship. Agree with other posters, move out now into your own place.

So again. If the house has not been gifted to you, you will not get any inheritance tax benefit.

You are being played. your In Laws want you to look after GU because they don't want to "waste" his house money on care.

I wouldn't see it as a husband problem, nor would I think it's a problem if someone loves his mother.

The problem began when you first agreed to have children without having your own home. Couldn't you have offered to pay rent on the old place so that you could stay? Or ask if you can start paying rent on the old place when the current tenancy is up? You might have a problem if you and your DH want to do differ things, but I don't think that makes either of you wrong, this is a situation you both created. I think you need to look at ways that you could start saving to be able to move out, even if you did that yourself without your husbands support it might make you feel a bit better and as if you have some control over your own life.

If you really can't move out, or even start making your own plans to move out, then I think you have to accept that the lack of privacy is the price you pay for being a family of four that is housed for free.

Eh? If you're expecting a share of this house without paying inheritance tax, that's not going to happen with this arrangement. If you're just staying rent free, then you take the highs with the lows and carry on. Google reservation of benefit.

You are in a very,very dangerous position.Your present,and future,is totally in the hands of your husbands family.

Get the full legalities of your position explained to you by a solicitor...if you and your husband ever split,what happens???

I'm another one who thinks you are being played,sorry

Well PtolemysNeedle may not think it's a DH problem (or even a man who puts his Mother over his wife)

I have four grown up children, and I respect them. I certainly don't insert myself in their lives.

What is going to happen when great uncle dies? Where are you going to live then? The mention of inheritance tax makes it sound as if you are anticipating inheriting the house whereas, in fact, if it is in the name of FIL's relatives (unknown in name and number from the sounds of it) you could be turfed out on your ear. Do you realise what a dangerous position you are in? Why have you always lived in family-owned accommodation? Do you not think it is time to buy your own home or rent somewhere yourselves? PIL or some of the procession of people who come through the house can move in and look after uncle. In the meantime, change the locks and do't give anyone keys.

Hopefully your children won't expect you to house them, their spouses and their children for free well into adulthood then Eyes.

I agree with Ptolemy.

I know a few families that wander in to each othera house unannounced and it works for them. It doesn't work for you, that does automatically mean your dh is wrong. You just feel differently about it.

If you want to have your own rules you need to live in your own house.

Entitlement to carer's allowance requires more than just keeping an eye on someone.

There's no such thing as a free lunch. You have sacrificed privacy and control for the sake of free rent. Have you been saving DH's income? Can you move out?

Whereon earth do you live. All the Grade 1 listed places I know are stately homes or at least very grand places,

Grade 2 is pretty common place, but Grade 1 isn't. It's a big old pile isn't it, probably been in the family for ages?

Some families live this way, always have, and see it as a part of their cultural inheritance and way of life.

Option 1. Tough it out and use insurance policy etc as leverage to change. Make alterations (as suggested) to secure your own living quarters. Also talk to the police and ask them for advice, they will have plenty of examples of how this can lead to burglaries and worse, and financial ruin.

Option 2. Move out and get your own place and don't let your DH give your PIL keys!

Option 3. (Not suggested yet for obviour reasons) stay, and change your attitude not them. Learn to see things from their point of view and put family before things (however eccentric). Not advisable. It has repercussions when you do that and overriding ones instinctive boundaries is unhealthy, and not a good way to bring up children.

This is bulls*it op and I'm sorry you ate stuck like this.

I disagree that you just shouldn't have had children without your own house. Its so difficult getting in the property ladder and you probably thought you were safe renting from family but they turfed you out and re homed you!

I do believe you have been taken for a ride, your pil wanted the cottage back and to save face, moved you in with GU on the guise you would be looking after him/the house.

But you do live there, you have got some basic rights to privacy. Your dh's attitude would infuriate me! You need to stopping hinting and start telling people, get everyone together maybe and have a discussion about some ground rules, to protect your dc from strangers.

Sounds like a grim situation all round, have you and dh started saving/ planning for own home?

In England & wales the house will be in a maximum of 4 names. Go to the Land Registry website and find out who owns where you live - £3. Make sure you avoid similar named websites which charge you far more for the same service.

I can see no way in which you living there will affect inheritance tax. In any respect has anyone said that you will inherit the property at any stage? I think you have been used as unpaid carer/housekeeper and you need to get this sorted now.

Is the OP caring and cleaning? Her initial post refers to "uncle's cleaner" and he only had paid care while recovering from a knee op. She says she "keeps an eye on him" - that suggests to me he is not in need of full time care. The parents are popping in (maybe too) frequently.

The problem isn't the people, the problem is the OP and her family are living in someone else's house and it's not clear whether she pays market rent for that or not. If not, then there are consequences and she and her husband have to decide if the financial saving is worth the distress of living like this.

I don't see how the situation as described affects the owners' liability for IHT.

I am also struggling to see how Inheritance Tax comes into this scenario, as the house has not been gifted to the OP and it seems it is owned by people other than the uncle, who is himself a guest in the house.

Look, without a tenancy, the roof over yours heads isn't secure, and without the ability to physically keep anyone out, nor are any of your possessions underneath it.

If your H is off at work all day, maybe he's happy with the situation, but you don't sound it. Please try to work out what solutions there might be (up to and including the Mumsnet favourite: "Leave the bastard" - after all, he's keeping you in this insecure situation).

Only once you have a range of options, seek seek legal advice, with the CAB or local solicitors, or even the MN Legal board. It's pointless wasting advice before you've got a range of options to consider, though.

Good luck. I know it's miserable feeling insecure at "home", and a miserable and frustrated mother is not going to be able to help her own children be secure.

It's none of my business but why is it Grade1 listed? That's v rare, and I'm v v jealous! But, that will restrict the changes you can make internally.

As a warning of someone coming, have a look at motion sensors. You can pick them up for a few pounds and they will alert you by sound or light that there's someone there.
Or investigate some sort of cctv thing - again you can do this v cheaply, using a laptop/phone for under £100.

Thank you to all for advice and ideas
I'm going to give my DH an alternatum as I can't live like this any longer.

Husband pays a peppercorn rent for us to live in house.
Last night again MIL had visited and Let herself in with own key,
then didn't lock it behind her just left the door wide open when she left ,so anyone could walk in! MIL has no respect or concept of saftey for Guncle or us!

MIL had visited GUncle not us I found door wide open so checked with uncle and asked to ensure he closes and licks doors after visits

Could you attach something to the door which makes it close when it isn't stoppered/held open? If a Yale lock is also added, it would automatically lock too. If not the outwr door, is there at least an inner door that could be modified in this way?

It's grade 1 listed, I doubt you can do anything at all.

The house has been used as a dumping ground for the families unwanted furniture and belongings that they may want one day. So a couple of rooms are unusable as full of furniture. The GUncle when lived on own in house always left the doors open, he said so people can help themselves! I explained its not safe for him or the children to so this- he started to lick the door. They also have a key safe for people to let themselves in with GUncle fully mobile so can let visitors and guests in. I'm at home most of the time so visitors can always ring our bell or knock on our door.