to tell him I no longer find him attractive

[TravellingHopefully12]

This is awful and I feel like the most horrible person ever even thinking this, but I no longer find DP attractive at all, but I do love him and I don't want to throw this relationship away.

He's a lovely guy, but he's put on a lot of weight since we got together - OK, this happens, but he doesn't seem interested in shifting it, or doing anything healthy. He actively brags about how many biscuits/cakes he eats in his office - He works ridiculously long hours at a desk job, and eats to get through it.

He was very fit when I met him, but now does NO exercise and even takes the bus to his work - less than a mile away. He will also buy icecream and eat full tubs of it, then lie in bed farting all night. It feels almost like he no longer cares.

I've been trying to encourage him to go for walks in the evening/at the weekend, and he always says he will then when it comes to the time say 'no, this is my time off, I just need to lie on the bed and groan.'

We were meant to be going up a hill this weekend, but he has said he doesn't feel capable of it (capable of walking up a hill?) He's not physically disabled but he was diagnosed with depression over a year ago and prescribed an anti depressant which he didn't take as he felt there was 'no point.'

He also has gym and swim membership on prescription - it's a scheme our local council are rolling out with gps to treat depression - but he doesn't use either.

He also makes the place into such a mess. He has a room of his own and it's literally got stuff all over the floor and bed, including empty cake and icecream things, but he gets really offended when I go in and clear it up.

He works very hard at his job, where he presents himself well, but at home I feel like he doesn't give a damn.

I've been encouraging him to go to the Dr, but he won't.

I don't want to be cruel, but I wish I could be attracted to him again as it's the only way to salvage this relationship (unless I want to just put up with it to be with him because he's a nice person.)

It is difficult, because I know that if I told him he would be devastated (who wouldn't?) but it might also be the trigger which makes him do something about it

I've also put on a bit of weight since we got together (we were at uni) but I am not overweight medically, and I still exercise. If he asked me to lose a bit of weight for him I would do.

Sorry, do I seem horrible? WWYD?

Gosh that's a tough one OP

I understand your frustration, but telling him you no longer find him attractive, might be enough to trigger his depression even further.

On the other hand I would find someone like that very difficult to live with, no matter how much I loved him.

No advice really I'm afraid, just sympathy for you both

You do not seem horrible and you're obviously in a difficult situation.

On the one hand, you can't help the fact you don't find him attractive right now. He is living a very unhealthy life at the moment and doing nothing to address that. He has an illness and refuses to take the medication that might help (I know depression is fucking tough because I also suffer from it but I take my antidepressants religiously every day because it's not fair on DH or the kids if I don't).

On the other hand, I put on two stone when I had DS1 and I'd have been devastated if DH had told me he didn't find me attractive. However, there were reasons I couldn't try to lose the weight for a while and when I could, I did lose at least some of it.

I think you might need to tell him. It will probably be awful but it doesn't sound like he's leaving you much choice.

I would focus on his health rather than his attractiveness. I can't see any way you could tell him he was unattractive without sounding cruel.

Do you have children together? Would he respond to the fact you want the children to have a father as they get older?

Who brings in the biscuits at work? I hate to think of him sitting there eating all day. What do you say when he brags about it? (And how can you brag about eating a biscuit, ffs?! It's hardly a huge endeavour!)

Where I would act is here, where you say: "He will also buy icecream and eat full tubs of it, then lie in bed farting all night." This is massively disrespectful and I would really be yelling at him for that. Don't just ignore really bad behaviour.

Don't stay with him because you're nice. If you're nice, you deserve a good life for yourself. What happens when you sit him down and go through everything?

I couldn't be with a slob.

You don't seem horrible, you're being honest- if that's how you feel, that's how you feel. I can't presume to know the reasons for your husband's weight gain or what's going on in his head, but it does seem that the diagnosis of depression is very relevant here. I think telling him how you feel is a risky strategy as it could make things worse. I don't have any answers but it does sound like the depression is still an issue and this could well be a factor in his apparent lack of interest in his appearance and sense that he seems to be 'giving up'. I know getting someone to seek help can be extremely difficult and hope that other posters have some good advice on that front. Best of luck OP x

And how can you brag about eating a biscuit, ffs?! It's hardly a huge endeavour!

You see that sort of thing a lot on MN though. I'm not sure it's actually bragging as such, but it's like some sort of competition where people find overeating/self indulgence just really kind of 'funny'?

I'm not sure I've explained that well, but I think I get what the OP means.

You mean when someone starts a thread saying they've eaten a whole pavlova and then everyone else piles in saying they ate two in their lunchhour?

But that's a bit different, Worra - this guy is sitting next to someone who doesn't find it funny and says he's eaten all the cakes in the office - I just wondered what her response was to that. I wondered what his reaction would be if each time she said, "God, I bet they think you're a real pig" or "Don't you ever worry that people will think you're really greedy?"

I'm in a similar situation. I'd never say as much to my husband but I think he probably suspects it. In my case it's more that I worry about his long-term health as he has a family history of heart problems and his mum died of a pulmonary embolism partly caused by being overweight and inactive. He also has chronic back pain which, whilst it limits him, has also been helped in the past when he has got fitter and lost weight. So there's lots of health considerations but I have to admit, I also don't find him as attractive as I would if he took better care of himself.

I have tried to find lots of different ways to interest him in being more active and the importance of watching his snacking (his overall diet isn't that bad but he does have a fondness for crisps and I'll often find Snickers wrappers in the car) but I can almost see him switching off when I talk about it - I haven't found a way to approach it that doesn't make him defensive so I've mainly stopped, but he knows it all deep down and he also knows I worry about him.

Partly the problem is that he doesn't look that overweight as he is tall, so he claims he is "fine". But we're in our late thirties now and it's definitely catching up with him. I was in hospital with a colleague of mine who has just had a stroke at 45; the doctors say it's likely his lifestyle that caused it.

ImperialBlether I agree 100%...I was just explaining the 'bragging' thing.

I don't find it funny or amusing, just greedy.

You don't seem horrible op. The fact is if you don't fancy a person and you're not attracted to them, you're not attracted to them and that's the end if it. It doesn't make you the devil. You can't force or help these things. I don't mean to be shallow but u don't think I'd be attracted to the person whom
You describe either,
And it's nowt to do with looks. It's about him being a slob, you could be the most attractive person ever to grace the planet but the minute slobbery raises it's ugly head desire and passion walk out.

Is it possibly the case of the relationship coming to an end?

Thank you for all your lovely replies, yeah, I do find his behaviour slobbish but I justify it (he presents himself well at work, and also the depression thing) but it is frustrating that he won't take the medication prescribed. He just stopped collecting his repeat prescription and he doesn't even know if he can get it anymore as it's so long since he's seen the Dr.

I think the bragging about eating thing might be a subterfuge, like making a virtue out of something you're ashamed of, kind of thing? Does that make sense? His colleauges bring in cakes and biscuits, and he sometimes does as well - it's a friendly office, but no one's criticised him for it yet, except for expressing surprise - 'hah! you ate that much?' His partner at work is massively overweight as well.

The farting and eating icecream from the tub does piss me off though...as does the apparent lack of self care when he's at home.

We don't have kids yet but would like them. I have a medical condition myself which means I take immunosuppressants though, so have to come of them first. Sometimes I think I feel resentful, as although my condition is physical I still do far more exercise than he does, and he is completely able bodied. (But then we move into the whole thing about stigma and depression and depression being just as real, which I know it is.)

I'm also worried about having children with a man who cannot look after himself, but maybe a child would force him to take life seriously.

I just wish he'd do something about it. I was really disappointed today as he said he was going to go for a walk, then chose not to as he's not capable of climbing a hill. I think that was the final straw. It's not even a big hill, and he is still in his twenties.

He's still in his twenties?

Sorry, I thought he was late 40s and that you had children together.

That makes it a lot easier. I would say that I'd continue to be his friend but that I didn't want to marry someone who didn't care enough about himself or about me to go to the doctor when he has a debilitating health problem.

He does sound like he could end up as Slimmer of the Year for Slimming World or something like that - telling a big motivating story about his realisation that his life had to change. However, it's not going to happen unless he gets a shock and that shock may well be you leaving.

Thanks Imperial - I'd like it not to come to that, it would be great if he could sort it out without us breaking up, hence considering explaining that I no longer find him attractive, in the hopes that can do some good. Though sadly you might be right, a break up might be what he needs - I've even wondered if being in a longterm rship is bad for him, or being with me anyway, as I tend to put up with stuff and avoid confrontation, and maybe he needs something different.

The thought of him with another woman no longer tears me to pieces in the way it used to - partly because I guess I find it implausible (God that's horrible I know) but partly because I just don't feel able to relate to him in that way anymore. I'd like to meand things though...

travelling I really sympathise, and don't blame you at all for being pissed off. My indistinct is that a change in his behaviour will have to come from him and that trying to encourage him directly could backfire. Have you thought about trying more subtle means, like mentioning about a guy chatting you up, or taking up an activity yourself and showing off your toned bits ... Hope that doesn't sound dodgy, the idea of encouraging jealousy! Just is sometimes good to be reminded that DP is attractive to others! ;) And possibly a sneaky way to try and spark motivation... Whereas saying directly that you don't find him attractive in his present state could open can of worms and cause bigger probs...

Andyourlittledog - I don't think that would work, but thank you. The only person who tries to chat me up is the rather strange old man who runs the cafe downstairs, and DP thinks this is hilarious.

This is hard because of the depression. Can you maybe have another go at encouraging him to take the pills?

I think our relationships and attitudes to our long term partners changes as we get to know them so well.

What about suggesting a date night that you both get dressed up for? It sounds like you want to fancy him again. Just to leave for this would be sad if you love and appreciate him for other aspects of himself. So I would be encouraging you to try and get him to take up a bit of exercise, think about his weight a bit more, etc. (could he, for example, take some healthier snacks in to work???)

Good luck

Well IANAD, but it seems to me that he is comfort eating as a way of dealing with his depression.
He needs to take the medication prescribed for the depression. I'd be persuading him to see the doctor again and restart taking the pills. There's not much point in treating only the symptom if the underlying problem is still there - and probably getting worse.

How many stone heavier is he now than when you met?

Imagine it wasn't food he was consuming, imagine it was alcohol. We'd all be saying that sort of behaviour is that of a functioning alcoholic. Have you ever considered it's a food addiction of sorts, particularly as it seems to have come on at the same time as he was prescribed anti-d's?

I don't think I'd tell him that...that would be pretty devastating. It does sound like he's depressed. Do you know if his depression is due to anything in particular that you're aware of that perhaps could be addressed? Otherwise, I would try to talk to him, frame the exercise suggestions in a way that won't seem intrusive on his downtime such as, let's go for a walk for 30 min. and then you'll have a couple of hours to relax...or pick an exercise that he would enjoy, like tennis or something he used to enjoy before all this made him sedentary, or a fun activity that happens to be an active one, kind of sneaking in exercise. Make healthy but appetizing dinners so that he won't feel like stuffing himself with too many treats. And I know you're not attracted to him right now, but because you love him, perhaps up the intimacy? That is usually very important to a man. Just some suggestions...good luck.

Sounds like he's gotten comfy, way too comfy. I would sit him down and tell him you find his behaviour very unattractive, that your struggling to see a future together and having children.

Perhaps suggest doing an activity together. Could you suggest perhaps going together to slimming world, my dad found it great as you can eat lots but tweaking things so it's healthy.

Thank you. Fatmomma - we tried date nights, and it kind of works. At least if we're in a restaurant he can't go and lye on the bed half way through dinner (he's started to eat his dinner lying on the bed which drives me insane!) We argue about the fact that he doesn't have the energy to eat at the table.

We did say we would go for walks/swimming together, but when it comes to it he never has the energy and says 'I'm so sorry, I just can't.' Generally I go alone. Yesterday I was really upset as it was a gorgeous day and neither of us had work, and there is a nice grassy hill really near the flat with these winding paths and pretty views over the town - and we'd planned to go up there, but when it came to it, it was too hard for him. I ended up going alone and he asked me to buy him cake on my way back (I didn't.)

Just really upset. It's not so much the weight as his complete lack of desire to do anything about it.

He won't tell me what he weighs anymore, but last time he mentioned a number he had only put on 2 and a half stone since we got together.

I think he might dismiss suggestions of slimming clubs, etc as not for him. His attititude is so dejected and hopeless, but he also has this irrational anger (which I think is defensive) towards people who are really fit. One of our good friends does loads of running and cycling and DP, who likes the guy, referred to him as a show off and a 'wanker.' I know it's defensive, but it's still hard.

His attititude is so dejected and hopeless

Yes. His untreated depression is a the root of this. The comfort eating is not going to cure it. Only the GP can.

You must stop enabling him. He either needs to get help or you need to decide if you can stand for it any longer. It's not fair on either of you, and will be even worse if a child was to be in the mix - don't rely on anything as a 'wake up call'.