to tell him I no longer find him attractive

[TravellingHopefully12]

This is awful and I feel like the most horrible person ever even thinking this, but I no longer find DP attractive at all, but I do love him and I don't want to throw this relationship away.

He's a lovely guy, but he's put on a lot of weight since we got together - OK, this happens, but he doesn't seem interested in shifting it, or doing anything healthy. He actively brags about how many biscuits/cakes he eats in his office - He works ridiculously long hours at a desk job, and eats to get through it.

He was very fit when I met him, but now does NO exercise and even takes the bus to his work - less than a mile away. He will also buy icecream and eat full tubs of it, then lie in bed farting all night. It feels almost like he no longer cares.

I've been trying to encourage him to go for walks in the evening/at the weekend, and he always says he will then when it comes to the time say 'no, this is my time off, I just need to lie on the bed and groan.'

We were meant to be going up a hill this weekend, but he has said he doesn't feel capable of it (capable of walking up a hill?) He's not physically disabled but he was diagnosed with depression over a year ago and prescribed an anti depressant which he didn't take as he felt there was 'no point.'

He also has gym and swim membership on prescription - it's a scheme our local council are rolling out with gps to treat depression - but he doesn't use either.

He also makes the place into such a mess. He has a room of his own and it's literally got stuff all over the floor and bed, including empty cake and icecream things, but he gets really offended when I go in and clear it up.

He works very hard at his job, where he presents himself well, but at home I feel like he doesn't give a damn.

I've been encouraging him to go to the Dr, but he won't.

I don't want to be cruel, but I wish I could be attracted to him again as it's the only way to salvage this relationship (unless I want to just put up with it to be with him because he's a nice person.)

It is difficult, because I know that if I told him he would be devastated (who wouldn't?) but it might also be the trigger which makes him do something about it

I've also put on a bit of weight since we got together (we were at uni) but I am not overweight medically, and I still exercise. If he asked me to lose a bit of weight for him I would do.

Sorry, do I seem horrible? WWYD?

Unfortunately these things can only be confronted if the individual wants to do it. No amount of cajoling, appealing, pleading, issuing ultimatums and such will work.

Thank you. Yes, I think I am enabling him - but I find it difficult not to if that makes sense? I don't want to be that person who abandons her dp of 6 years when he has depression. When I was far younger my first boyfriend left me less than three months after a bereavement as he couldn't cope, and I always swore I would never be that person (though looking back we were v.young and first bf wasn't emotionally equipped to cope with it - but then neither was I and didn't have any opt out.)

What I find frustrating with DP is his refusal to acknowledge his depression or take his medicine, or even try.

He has said he will use his free Swim pass after work tonight. I am really hoping he doesn't cancel as he's 'not capable' of it - I hate him saying he's not capable!

At your age I would suggest leaving. You would not be being a bad person or like your ex!

He has a responsibility to look after his physical and mental health and you've tried to help and support him but it has to come from him.

seconding what others are already saying -- it sounds like his changed attitude towards his body and eating is a symptom of the depression. My dh has pretty sever depression and body image issues too, so this sounds very familiar.

Framing any conversation you have with him about it in terms of his weight, comfort eating, and lack of energy/enthusiasm being symptoms of the depression would probably be less hurtful - and ultimately more productive - than trying to blame/shame him, or talking about your lack of attraction. If you still love him a lot and don't want the relationship to end, you'll have to work together on the core of the problem, which is the depression.

Bare in mind, btw, that some anti-depressants can cause quite extreme and rapid weight gain as a side effect. You might both have to come to terms with him putting more weight on, before he can start getting better.

Sounds like the slobishness is really symptom of the depression (although sure it doesn't help vice versa) and that is the key thing that needs to be tackled. Know it can be very tricky and tough to get someone to actually acknowledge that they're depressed and to get them to take appropriate action. Are you in contact with DP's wider family and friends? Do you know if anyone else has spoken with him about his depression, etc?

It sounds like depression. When I was depressed, I kept planning to do exercise, but not doing it, because when it came to it, I didn't feel like doing it.

If I did manage to go for a walk, I felt much better. But even knowing this didn't help increase motivation to do it again.

I have to think of it like medicine - something to be taken, whether I "want" to, or not. This does not always work, but it's a start.

ADs helped greatly, more than exercise. Someone who is depressed should at least try them for a fair time. Sometimes it may need a change of meds before an effective one is found. Once mood lifts, even a little, small but effective life changes are easier to make.