To think that 31 is too old to come home so drunk...

[13namechanger]

Dboyfriend (been together nearly a year) is 31 years old.
He goes out once a week with mates and gets absolutely bladdered. I hate this. He also drinks most nights although not drunk.
We don't live together, although he stays at my house most nights and has a key.
Tonight, he called me when he was out to say that he would be coming back after 1 more drink. It was obvious he was shitfaced so I told him not to come round. I have a toddler asleep upstairs and I don't want him in my house in that state.

He comes round anyway, let's himself in. He's literally paralytic, unable to stand etc. I told him to go to bed. He comes down after an hour covered in sick. I've just had to strip him, shower him, change the bed and bleach the bedroom wall as he threw up on it. He just can't control himself. Can't just go and have a nice time, has to drink to a ridiculous degree.
I'm beyond livid.
He's a grown up! A fucking grown up. I already have one baby, I don't need two.
WIBU to say stop drinking or we're done??

As above, alcoholics are only obedient to alcohol.

Even if he swears never to do it again and actually means it at the time, the drink will take over again at the first opportunity. It will wreck his teaching career and then you will be looking after him by day and night.

You will not beat the alcohol. It is stronger than you. Sorry!

surly my ex was violent and abusive.
That is what I hated most too. I feel oddly violated and hate the feeling that he just walked in after I said no.

Its great that you recognise this. Work from these feelings, you have been violated, your home has been violated, your trust in allowing him a key to your home where your child lives has been violated. Get angry and take action. How dare he? A boyfriend of not even a yet? He has no right to your home, only the priviledge you allow him and you didnt. You said no and he just walked on in and puked on the wall. That's what he thinks of you. No matter how nice he is during the day, i could never get beyond that.

Ah, a teacher in his early 30s! Most of the biggest drinkers I've known have been teachers. I can't believe how much I used to drink in the first five years of my career as a teacher.

I was coming on to say that 31 is not too old as I (all 36 and 11/12ths of me) went to visit a friend for a coffee last week at 1pm and rolled (literally) back home at 2am.
I never really drink though, it was a well needed one off and I have no other half nor small dc to come home to nor do I vomit.
However, what you have described in further posts is rather dismal so no YANBU, not at all. I know what some others are saying about not cleaning up after him and had it have been his house then I probably wouldn't but yuk! left puke stinks to high heaven so probably for the best that it's cleaned and gone.

A teacher aged 31? Blimey. This would be pathetic behaviour even from a 20 year old, but slightly more understandable.

What is it with some men people, can they really not enjoy themselves without getting so out of their heads that they are completely helpless. What if any of his students or their parents had seen him out like that?

I think you need to get your key back from him, and have a serious conversation, at least. He needs boundaries setting to his behaviour, if he is intelligent enough to be a (good) teacher then why can't he see what a massive problem this is?

I know it's fucking ridiculous. Am in bed now. He's totally oblivious and sleeping peacefully.

But Nadia, plenty of alcoholics are intelligent!

Lots of posters are saying alcoholic and leave the bastard. This was my husband 10 years ago. Hell it was my husband 3 years ago before dd was born. It was and probably still is many men we knew when living in the uk. My husband has matured. I gave him many ultimatums. And they worked eventually. He relapses (goes on an unplanned bender) maybe about twice a year. I read the riot act and he is very apologetic for weeks afterwards. I stayed with my husband because he is not perfect but I believed things could get better. He is a fantastic father and brilliantly respectful husband. More so than past boyfriends who didn't drink as much.

The age of 31 is still practically a teenager in our binge-drinking laddish culture. Some men can stay men children and duck responsiblity by hiding behind their mates and in the pub. You've had a child which forces you to grow up. (Also as someone else mentioned teachers drink shit loads because it is so stressful).

I'm not saying he's not an alcoholic and it's acceptable how he is acting. But don't get rid of someone who could be very decent and responsible. Talk talk talk to him and make it very clear that that this not acceptable. Take it from there. Good luck.

He has abused the privilege of having a key by letting himself in against your clearly expressed wishes. Have you taken it back off him? Now is a good time to do that.

purple if he was really sorry he wouldnt do it But he knows he can because hes only got to act apologetic once you read him the riot act and he knows he can do it again and the fact hes only doing it twice a year also shows he can control it when he wants. Hes still doing it because he enjoys it and knows he can get away with it.

OP Im in the LTB camp Hes shown you contempt and disrespect.

purple if he was really sorry he wouldnt do it But he knows he can because hes only got to act apologetic once you read him the riot act and he knows he can do it again and the fact hes only doing it twice a year also shows he can control it when he wants. Hes still doing it because he enjoys it and knows he can get away with it.

OP Im in the LTB camp Hes shown you contempt and disrespect.

This is the horrible binge drinking culture we have
It doesn't mean he's an alcoholic
If it were me I'd decide if I thought he would ever grow up or not, I reckon most do but some don't

I dumped my ex boyfriend for drinking so much on Christmas Day that he threw up all over my parents' house. Was the last in a long line of similar incidents, but this one was so fucking mortifying that I couldn't get past it.

I remember my mum said to me, "do you really want to spend your life cleaning up his sick, or are you better than that?"

Fuck that. Run fast, run far.

So he went out, got shitfaced by 9.45? Came round o yours even though you said no, threw up and you got left cleanin him and it up?

There is so many things wrong here. Getting drunk and throwing up in your own house where you will have to clean it up, imo, isn't healthy. But it's that would be his own business as he doesn't live with you. But coming into your house when you said no and have your child there is disgusting. Then throwing up and leaving you to clean it up???? It would be a deal breaker with me.

Even if he stops coming round to yours in this state, you won't ever want to move in with him because this will become your issue again. Is he likely to stop drinking ?

If you ignored the fact he was drink, would you accept the behaviour? I don't think so, you asked him not to cone over and he still came round, and then he disrespected your home. Hes a manchild who wanted you to take care of him.
I have no issues with people any age (above 18 onv) drinking and getting merry...but I have been very very merry on occasion and no one has had to clean up ny sick!! If he made it to your house he could make it to bathroom.imo lazy disgusting man.

The drinking is immature and disgusting, but the fact that he let himself in when you'd specifically asked him not to is really disrespectful and actually quite violating. He ignored what you asked, came into YOUR house and essentially forced you to look after him because he was so shit-faced you had no choice.

Does he realise you could have called the police on him last night? He was drunk and in your home (where he has no right to be) against your will. That would have gone down like a lead balloon at his job. In hindsight, maybe you should have rung the police - even if you only called 101. Maybe a talk from the police about how awful his behaviour is would be the wake up call he needs.

I certainly wouldn't date someone who couldn't control himself like that - especially with a toddler in the house. I think you need to do the right thing for your child, if not for yourself.

"The drinking is immature and disgusting, but the fact that he let himself in when you'd specifically asked him not to is really disrespectful and actually quite violating. He ignored what you asked, came into YOUR house and essentially forced you to look after him because he was so shit-faced you had no choice"

THIS!!!

The guy is not some teenager, he's a 31 year old "man" FFS. You've got your toddler to think about. I mean, obviously you seem to know the answer to this one, but basically, is this the kind of behaviour you want your child emulating? The guy's acting like he's either a teenager, without a clue what his alcoholic boundaries are, someone who has problems and is using alcohol to deal with them (i should know, I was like that for a very long time), or he's just one of those "men" of this age that still can't let go of his teenage years and doesn't realise he's a fucking adult now...this would flag up serious warning bells for me, I wouldn't want to have to deal with someone like this, it's like having another kid around except a more dangerous one because in his drunken state he can do things like leave your front door unlocked, set fire to crap accidentally etc etc.

Drinking to that extent at his age is revolting. Coming round when you had asked him not to would be disrespectful if he was in a state to think clearly, but if he was drunk enough to vomit and then crash out means he wasn't in a rational state.

I would definitely take the key off him, and then take your time to think whether you get enough positives from the relationship to outweigh the negatives. I think the choices are either dump him, or to tell him that you would like to spend time with him when he is sober, but that you don't want him coming around when he is drunk and that if he does turn up drunk then you won't be answering the door to him. You are the only one who know him well enough to be able to decide which is the right choice for you.

I've just been through this. Ex has no control around drink, can't go out for 'one' has to drink himself stupid. Drinks every night but can also not drink. Becomes a different person when he's drunk and has no understanding of how drunk he is. He, when sober, also holds down a good job, is sweet, caring, great fun etc but when he drinks has no control whatsoever, it's like watching someone take over his body.
Sorry to say, I put up with it for 18 months issuing endless ultimatums, getting endless broken promises and feeling bloody miserable. If your bf has a drink problem it's just awful and I would advise you to walk away, trust me, you probably won't be the first person that's walked away from him for it.

I'd actually ask him to leave now, mid hangover. To make a point of how much he's upset you.

If he doesn't live with you why is he coming to your house drunk? Hangover days can't be that great?

Yes, I would get rid of him while he's got a hangover. Get him up and out.

Btw your thread title isn't accurate - you said "to come home so drunk" but he hasn't gone home - he's gone to your house! I would be livid.

Does he drink like this because his friends do or is he the worst out of his group? If he's binge drinking in the same way his friends are it's more likely he's just a man child who needs to grow up and stand up to peer pressure. If he's the worst out of the group, the only one who's out every weekend, the one who always gets in the worst state etc, then it's more likely he has a problem with alcohol and it might be something bigger than you can handle.

As others have said, letting your hair down and having one too many once in a while, fair enough, I think we've all been there! But getting into that state every single week would be a deal breaker for me.

It's not unusual to get a bit too drunk ocassionally but every week just screams bigger problems especially further down the line. I think you need to show him the door and maybe change the locks too.