AIBU re cigarettes or is my husband?

[Miskate]

Background: my husband and I used to socially smoke and have 1-2 cigarettes of an evening after work. When I fell pregnant last February I stopped immediately, and he stopped smoking when I was around but would maybe have one when I'd gone to bed.

Since giving birth I've mainly stopped smoking, but on occasion, when drunk on a night out for instance, I might have one. Husband is the same OR SO I THOUGHT. I came across his secret stash when tidying up yesterday afternoon, so decided to hide it. He is fuming with me this morning, as he says he went to look for his cigarettes after I'd gone to bed and he couldnt find them, so he spent ages looking for them when he could have been finishing off a work project he's been doing in the evenings.

Was I wrong to hide them? Obviously I COULD have had an adult discussion with him about it but I chose not to.

Hugely disrespectful and controlling behaviour on your part. What was wrong with having an adult discussion?

Your husbands an adult. You may not like it, but he can smoke if he wants. You can't really judge, especially as you are still a social smoker.

What are you, his mother?

Obviously I COULD have had an adult discussion with him about it but I chose not to.

Why didn't you then?

Also yes YABU. I would be seriously annoyed if my OH did this

Yes a grown up discussion would have been best. At the end of the day he is an adult so the decision to smoke or not is entirely his.

Very silly and annoying behaviour OP. What were you hoping to gain and how did it work out in the end?

I hate smoking and am a non smoker my dh is a heavy smoker which I hate. I would never hide his cigs though and you're not really in a position to reprimand him if you are a social smoker yourself.

ha! OK, fair enough. My thoughts behind it were that he hasn't told me he was smoking again, so had lied to me by default.

Of course YABU. What's more interesting to me is why he felt he had to hide it from you in the first place.

Go out, buy him a put of fags, and give them to him with your apology.and tell him that as long as they're out of the reach of children,there's no need to hide them

He's already proved that he's a responsible smoker,

YABU. He is a grown adult and can smoke as and when he sees fit. Why is it okay in your eyes for you to smoke when you want but not for him if he wants?
When you say you found his stash, what exactly was in it? You acknowledge that he sometimes has one when youve gone to bed, so where do you think they were coming from?
It's up to you when and if you want to smoke. He is also able to make these decisions for himself.
You sound from this post to be controlling and a bit crazy.

Maybe make him a nice cup of tea and apologize we are all flawed human beings x

You're lucky he didn't wake you up and ask what you'd done with them.

I would have.

I think you have to acknowledge that it was childish of you to hide his cigarettes - which it was - but also ask why on earth you were put in a position where you "find" some bizarre secret stash of cigarettes. Why has he been hiding this from you- it is totally bonkers.

One thing I would be asking is where he is smoking. If it's in the house - even leaning out of the window - and you have an issue with that, then you need to come to an agreement where he smokes outside.

And for him to stop hiding it from you like it's some kind of dirty secret!

Also yes OP, I totally agree he shouldn't have lied to you. You behaved wrongly hiding his cigarettes but so did he when he chose not to tell you. I don't see why he'd hide it unless he thought you'd be upset though

He says he hid them because if I knew they were there, I'd be inclined to ask him for one, and I'm trying to not smoke at all.

This is very interesting as I genuinely felt like it was a good idea to hide them! No idea I was being a dick? I'm normally a very reasonable person as well.

I don't think you're being at all unreasonable.

Why is hiding cigarettes only OK when he's doing it?

Why must you have an "adult conversation" when he is sneaking around behind your back like a teenager.

You have a baby in your home. Having a parent who smokes is a risk factors for SIDS, so his failure to be honest about his smoking, and failure to and appropriate precautions, could have out your child at risk.

Also to say they were hidden is an exaggeration, they were in a drawer in the living room where we keep TV remotes. By stash, I mean rolling tobacco and papers, he doesnt smoke weed.

Oh and he always smokes outside. Shit. I am really unreasonable.

By 'social smoker' I assume you mean unsocial smoker, since there will probably be people around you who it offends. If they can put up with it, you can put up with your husband's smoking too. You have no right to interfere unilaterally with his habit.

Why don't you have that adult discussion with him and see if you can both help each other to stop, for the sake of your child?

Do as Jacana said.

It sounds like he doesn't smoke around your child, so the agreement perhaps should be that he continues in that vein, and if smoking happens at all then it is to be outside and not in the house.

You ARE a smoker too, whether you like hearing that or not. You can't dictate whether he gives up or not. You are both adults and make your own decisions.

I don't get why you think he lied to you. He smokes, you know he smokes. Did he ever claim to only smoke like you? What doss that mean, even - only when pissed?

Even if he smokes outside, the advice is still that the baby shouldn't share your bed.

He really should have been honest about how much he smokes. It matters. It's not just about him anymore.

The baby never shares our bed and if he woke in the night I would go to him, not my husband, so no risk factor at all of the baby ever coming into contact with second hand smoke. Now it's all written down I can see that he didn't lie to me, but it seemed like a lie of omission that he hadn't told me he had these cigarettes in the house.

Has he actually lied to you though OP? You know he has a couple in the evenings. They don't appear from nowhere.

Glad you've realised YABU. Just apologise...It's only fags, I imagine he'll be quick to accept your apology and all will be forgotten.