To think counselling isn't always the answer to any problem

[Cheesenredonion]

Any problem relating to low self esteem or difficulties in childhood, that is.

I wish people would acknowledge that firstly counselling is out of reach of most people due to the cost. I know it is available on the NHS in some areas, but this tends to be for limited periods (it's 6 sessions here) and there's a long waiting list.

Plus, although depression and anxiety are medical issues some problems are not. Having a difficult childhood isn't, having slightly low self esteem isn't, and so on.

It's not always easy to get to if you have young children and/or don't drive.

Also, is it effective for everybody? I'm concerned as I feel counselling is, to be blunt, the new cure-all, but I don't think it's helpful for everybody but every problem on here at the moment - 'get counselling!'

I have had counselling which I didn't feel was enormously helpful, but this isn't saying it is never helpful - it's saying its a possibility amongst other possibilities.

It is very hard work with no guarantee of success or relief. There are good, bad and indifferent therapists and counsellors and various treatment models. Outcomes range from amazing, life-saving, life-changing, through 'it helped a bit' all the way to desperately damaging.

In other words, it's like most things, hugely variable.

Well, you can't changed what's happened to you, but you can change the way you think about it and react to it.

Generally I think coucelling is worth a shot.

cheese I would say that some (possibly most) counselling pairs don't work. The blame isn't on the counsellor or the patient.

If you looked at the average relationship between any two people you would conclude that love didn't exist either.

But people do fall in love when its the right person, and the right combination of counsellor and patient will also work.

I had one useless, two nearly but no cigar and then the 4th changed my life around in 3 weeks.

I don't think the middle two were bad, and I was certainly ready for it, but we just weren't functional combinations.

OP, I agree the 'get counselling' is too often used as an easy get out solution for all life's ills.

When my son died in traumatic circumstances, i was obviously traumatised and bereft. The number of people who would say I 'should get counselling'; 'had I had counselling?'. I felt like saying - why, will that bring him back? Because if not, it is not going to be all right, ever, so stop trying to make yourself feel comfortable with your banal 21st century response to grief.

Sometimes we suffer and feel pain and that is just how life is. 'Get counselling' can get to fuck. (Why do I suspect someone is going to tell me I have unresolved grief & need counselling.....)

I felt like saying - why, will that bring him back? Because if not, it is not going to be all right, ever, so stop trying to make yourself feel comfortable with your banal 21st century response to grief.

No, but maybe it gives you a 'safe' outlet for your grief and so your friends don't need to walk on eggshells all the time around you when faced with your extreme grief...

Extreme as in large. Not extreme as in unnesecery.

A 'safe outlet' for her grief at £45 a time once a week?

What, I am SO sorry someone saw fit to patronise you there, and FWIW I absolutely agree with you and my sincere condolences re your son.

Who so What should have counselling in case it benefits her friends?!

I had 3 sessions of grief counselling through cruse, it did help but nearly 3 years later I'm still working through my feelings, by myself....I did contact a counsellor but it was £45 for an hours session and I just cant afford that with no guarantees it would work.

I agree with you op.

I dont agree with a safe outlet for your grief, either. IME grief is all consuming, you dont get to cry and let it out for an hour and feel better, its still there just the same as when you went in, it doesn't go away or diminish at all, its not like that.

The only thing that helped me was time..nothing else.

I think the truth is, a lot of the time people feel so uncomfortable around the bereaved or abused or even mentally ill, they want to distance themselves from it which is where 'get councilling (sic)' comes in.

It's interesting that while no one has said counselling is never helpful, some people have taken it that way.

Counselling can help - but it isn't a given, and in most cases, it is a help, not a solution in itself.

YY ssd

In terms of being ready, I think that the person having counseling needs to want on some level to be willing to look at themselves and their lives with an open mind and be willing to try and change things. There is little point going through it without that attitude. Obviously that doesn't mean it will then "work " 100%but without that attitude it's unlikely to make a difference.

It depends as well what we mean by getting better or what the "answer "is. It's unrealistic to think we will not suffer anymore of that we will become efficient coping machines equipped to deal with anything life throws it us. Counseling can help people find new understanding about things and work through things. But I agree 6 sessions is really not enough for a lot of people. There's a valid argument in not opening the can of worms unless you have time to work through them!

I agree and I say that as a therapist

but so often comes resistance to change and understanding why that is and also lack of long term counselling which some people need available low cost

it a commitment that some struggle with for many different reasons

whois has it spot on. The suggestions of counselling were to make the suggesters feel better. I don't count any of them as my friends - although sadly some are family. How dare my raging pain make anyone feel uncomfortable, eh?

There are several factors whether councelling is going to work.

A) if someone has severe depression they need medication to be well enough to make councelling work.

B) some types of councelling are worse/ better than others. The woe is me, I shall sit on my fanny type of approach can make the person feel worse and achieve very little.

C) managing transference issues can be really hard. Sometimes people struggle when the councelling comes to an end. They lose their pretend mummy.

I am a fan of self help books and websites like living life to the full. I will find a link in a minute.

if someone has severe depression they need medication to be well enough to make councelling work

where did you get this idea from ?

there are many many people who are severely depressed who never take medication and use therapy to manage their depression or deal with their underlying issues that impacts their lives

and often people will go through a period or periods during counselling where to do feel worse

Nothing works for everyone completely.

I think therapy and counselling is helpful for everyone on some level and to some extent.

The thing is that sometimes it is too difficult to face some of your problems. You can be ready to feel different but when it comes to facing the pain and looking at life on the other side it can be simply too much.

Sometimes shedding light on some issues, going away and thinking about them and coming back to them at a later date is the right thing to do.

There isn't failure in that or blame.

I think that the idea that everything will be 'fixed' by being in therapy is over stating the process.
Making things a little better a little clearer a little more comfortable is all good work on behalf of both parties
Learning new skills or learning more about your problems and layering in ways to self help are all good.

As long as there is some movement it is positive. I have felt disappointed by physios osteos PTs etc. Therapists and counsellors are just the same IMO

Yabu

Also the vast majority of people facing bereavement don't ever require therapy. They need time and lots of appropriate support.
I agree that people generally cannot face seeing or hearing other people they know or care for grieve or feel extreme emotions and they therefore try to push them toward a therapist.

Who so What should have counselling in case it benefits her friends?!

Nope, I wasn't saying she should but was trying to explain why it gets said. A lot of people aren't v good at dealing with grief or other people's emotions which is why the suggestion is made. it's a way of trying to offer a solution to a problem and then you can also put a little bit of blame onto the person for still being a 'mess' if they don't follow up and have some sessions.

One of my friends mum died while we were in the middle of professional exams and it was amazing how hardly anyone ever asked her how she was or let her talk about her mum.

I personally found counselling a pile of crap. It's fine to spout out your innermost feelings, but I wanted helpful advice about how to cope or manage things. I just wanted help, I didn't get that.

I agree OP.
I've had more than my fair share over the years for many different reasons and I don't think I've found more than one counsellor that I've really felt a bond with.
It didn't/couldn't help me with past (SA related) only wiping my memory could do that and sadly it's not an offered service at counselling.
I'm currently having some for relationship breakdown/mum diagnosed with a terminal illness and it's helping me lots.

Whois I can see the method behind the madness there in a different way too - If i wasn't currently getting some counselling I'd have cocooned myself away from people (as is my usual when in the depths of depression and anxiety) - my family and my friends. Other than the therapy I'm getting, it's exactly those people who are getting me through this so I need to be and keep myself well enough to maintain my relationships with them, if that makes sense. so my counselling does benefit them in a way because they see I'm functioning, I'm not blocking them out and they don't need to worry about me and can treat me normally.

It doesn't always help.

It is often worth trying, though.

It was a pile of crap for my DD3.

Intrusive questions every week, raking over the same old coals. She hated it and was far worse on days when she had to go to a session. She said she just wanted to let the past be the past.

We stopped going and have never looked back. She was immediately a totally different and happier person.