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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not feeling like you like your DC?

48 replies

BlueBerryPye · 10/06/2015 14:00

Has anyone felt like this, not that you love them but you don't like them and they aren't really the sort of child you want or feel 'belong' to you?

OP posts:
midnightvelvet01 · 10/06/2015 14:10

Not really no.

How old are yours OP?

User543212345 · 10/06/2015 14:12

My mother made it very clear that she didn't like me from when I was very small. I'm mid 30s and still very damaged by it. Liking someone is actually a choice. Make the right one.

Jackie0 · 10/06/2015 14:13

No but I've been the child in that scenario.
Have you always felt this?

Purplepumpkins · 10/06/2015 14:14

Is it the behaviour you don't like? As sometimes my charge is really quite disrespectful and can make me dislike him and I have to remind myself that he is a sweet boy and I do like him but I do not like his rudeness.

MrsMcColl · 10/06/2015 14:15

I've been the child in this scenario too. It leaves a long and damaging legacy. Tell us more about your DC. Why do you think you're feeling this way?

Penfolds5 · 10/06/2015 14:15

Do you mean loving them but sometimes not finding them very likeable? Or not loving them either?
I think most parents feel the former from time to time. I would imagine that significantly fewer feel no 'love' either (although I know that it happens, and wouldn't necessarily make you a bad person or anything...).

Can you elaborate?

KellyElly · 10/06/2015 14:16

There are times when I don't like my DD, but I always love her. It's usually on a day she is being particularly challenging/argumentative etc, but not a long term feeling if you know what I mean. There have also been times when I wished I hadn't had children. I think these are all normal feelings. How old is your child? How are these feelings manifesting? Are you showing this to your child on a regular basis? Are you depressed?

merrygoround51 · 10/06/2015 14:18

I imagine most parents have periods when they look at their DC and think 'gosh you are driving me insane and I dont like you right now'

However an ongoing dislike is not normal and I would think quite damaging.

OrangeVase · 10/06/2015 14:18

Yes. And it was in despair one night that I blindly typed " i don't like my son" into Google - and up came Mumsnet. It was the first time I had admitted it to myself. And it was a lifesaver to see that I was not alone in this.

I love my children - more than life itself - but my son was at that time horrible. He got better - then worse again and was very difficult last year.

I will admit he is deceitful, manipulative, sly and can be slightly creepy. But he is struggling with a lot at the moment.

I am convinced that he will learn how to behave and that as he becomes older and more at ease with himself he will be more likeable. He has a sweet nature and a strong sense of justice and a gentle sense of humour.

If I am honest with myself about how he is sometimes I think I have a better chance of his turning out to be the person I believe he can be. ( He is a teen)

MrsMcColl · 10/06/2015 14:23

My parents wanted a quiet, compliant daughter who would do as she was told and not disagree with them about anything. Instead they got me! Is it a temperamental incompatibility with your DC, OP? When you say 'not the sort of child you want', what sort did you want? And what do you have?

Jackie0 · 10/06/2015 14:36

I hope you haven't been scared off op.
I would like to discuss this, no judgement .

MrsNextDoor · 10/06/2015 14:39

No I haven't. Liking them came with loving them...you love someone, so their quirks and personality charm you. How old are yours OP?

Penfolds5 · 10/06/2015 14:42

you love someone, so their quirks and personality charm you
Really? Surely not all the time, Mrs.

I also hope you haven't been scared off, OP.

flora717 · 10/06/2015 14:42

I don't like it when they are rude to me. I don't like it when they fight. But they are sweet and funny, developing talents and their own interests. My Mum does not like me, never did, it is a mutual thing now.

MrsNextDoor · 10/06/2015 14:43

Pen no not all the time...but if you love someone, you care for them...you just LIKE them. Obviously we can't like every aspect of someone...but in the main, love comes first...with babies...then liking them grows as they do.

ItsTricky · 10/06/2015 14:44

Yes I could type that from time to time. The thing is though, it's the behaviour or a certain horrible stage that causes the unliking and that doesn't last forever, when they're teenagers it feels like it's going on forever! However underneath it all I have loved my children dearly through the bad patches and that carries you through.

I hope you're ok op Flowers

BolshierAyraStark · 10/06/2015 14:45

Do you mean that sometimes the behaviour of your DC results in dislike at that moment or you just have a dislike of the childs attitude in general? I think all children can be challenging at times & you can dislike the behaviour, disliking the child is something different altogether & should be rectified as soon as possible to avoid damage to the child & the relationship you have with them.

midnightvelvet01 · 10/06/2015 14:46

I was asking about the ages of your children as I was wondering about PND OP, sorry if I was abrupt :)

Come back & talk it through, as someone said earlier is it the behaviour that you don't like not the child? Are you having a bad day? Brew Cake

Cantwaittogonholiday · 10/06/2015 14:49

I don't think my mum particularly liked me all of the time, because I wasn't a particularly likeable child. Spiky, uncooperative, not affectionate...

But I've always made the assumption that she probably loved me, because that's what mum's seem to do.

There's times when my OH doesn't particularly like his kids, but again he always loves them.

Iammad · 10/06/2015 14:52

I love my children, but sometimes I do dislike them because of there behaviour.
It depends imo if you dislike them for whom you child is (personality/looks etc) Or if it is because they have been behaving badly at some particular time.

Original poster
BlueBerryPye · 10/06/2015 15:00

Hard to say really. I'm asking as 'the child' but also very worried about possible effects on future children if you see what I mean. After all, my mum loved me but she really didn't like me and I suppose I see why, now.

OP posts:
MrsMcColl · 10/06/2015 15:04

What do you mean, you see why OP? Can you explain?

LadyNym · 10/06/2015 15:12

I'm pretty sure there were times my mum didn't like me as a child and I can't really blame her. I was a little bitch to her for a few years! I decided she loved my brother more than me (just because he was younger so got a little more attention and leeway etc. - usual sibling stuff) so started to be really nasty to her...which ironically probably did result in her preferring my brother at the time! I know she loved me, though, and it hasn't done me any harm. We're very close now.

DS1 is three and going through diagnosis for ASD. He's extremely hard work sometimes. Very high functioning with advanced language but can be very violent and contrary. He can be lovely sometimes and I think he's just the most funny, smart, loving little boy. And then he can spend hours deliberately doing everything he can to wind me up. He'll push his brother, throw his toys, climb on a chair to grab something he shouldn't have, scratch me, scream etc. all within a few minutes. At those points I find it very hard to like him. I still love him. Would die for him and all that stereotypical stuff but I just don't like him.

So, if we're talking along those lines I don't think it's anything to be worried about. If this is something that is constant and/or persisting for a long time, then it may be worth talking to someone about it.

LadyNym · 10/06/2015 15:14

Sorry, X-posted. I second MrsMcColl's question.

Jackie0 · 10/06/2015 15:41

So what I gather is your mother didn't like / love you and you are worried about how it might affect your mothering of any children you may have in the future?
Is that it?
You're being very cryptic op.
If I'm right then that's a reasonable concern to have and its something that might be best tackled with counselling.
Lots of wonderful patents had crap childhoods .
What about your self esteem op?
Are you saying you feel unloveable?

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