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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

not feeling like you like your DC?

48 replies

BlueBerryPye · 10/06/2015 14:00

Has anyone felt like this, not that you love them but you don't like them and they aren't really the sort of child you want or feel 'belong' to you?

OP posts:

PontyGirl · 10/06/2015 15:49

my dad often said how he loved me, but didn't like me

I was watching a video of me as an 8 year old a few months ago, and it was obvious I was so desperate for him to like me, but I just seemed to irritate him

long story short, I have a DD and my relationship with my dad has made me an even better parent - I will never make my DD feel that way.

I hope you're okay OP.

Original poster

BlueBerryPye · 10/06/2015 15:58

Yeah, counselling is pretty expensive.

She loved me but didn't like me as a person as I just wa very different to her and the daughter she'd have wanted to have.

OP posts:

springlamb · 10/06/2015 16:05

When did was about 4 I went through a period of feeling (or imagining I felt) regret at having had her. Up till then I had felt nowt but love and pride for her. I had a couple of other things going on around the same time - my dad had Alzheimer's, and I had an older disabled child who was going through some tricky surgery. Do you think you might have stuff stewing in the background that could be affecting your relationship?
I had some counselling. I told no-one, hence I had to go privately, but it helped, quite quickly too, within about 6 weeks everything feel I to perspective again.
DD is 13 now and I can honestly say I treasure that child. I love the very bones of her. Every day I can see the woman she's becoming and she's gonna be fab. You don't know her name so you won't know it's her - but you'll hear about her in the future.

notfromstepford · 10/06/2015 16:10

My mum doesn't like me, I'm not even sure she loves me. At best she tolerates me, growing up she could be plain nasty.

I've not had counseling either, didn't realise the impact it had on me & my sister until we were in our 30s if I'm honest and couldn't afford it anyway. However, I now have a 3 year old myself. I think he's utterly brilliant and I was determined when pregnant with him to be the complete opposite of my mum and I am. Just because you've grown up in that environment, doesn't mean that history has to repeat. My sister has a 5 year old and she's got the same determination. We both now have children who are loved, liked and we show our affection to them all the time - very different from our upbringing.

NickiFury · 10/06/2015 16:14

No, my Mum was like that though. Always took my friends sides in fall out, always telling me what a disappointing, crap and stupid child I was.

Personally, to me, my kids are the nicest people I have ever met. I am a single parent and I truly feel like I have the two best living companions ever. But it's all perception isn't it? Looking at it as an outsider, they're not easy, they both have ASD, my dd is highly anxious and volatile and many people have said they wouldn't be able to handle her. I just don't see that though.

I think with my own Mum, she had never really been parented properly herself or cherished as a child so didn't know how to do it. I also think though that children are easy targets to take out adult frustrations on and it's very easy to slip into that if you don't watch yourself.

NickiFury · 10/06/2015 16:16

And I tell you what else always fascinates me too, is how these parents often don't seem to like or want to tolerate their own dc but adore their grandchildren. How does that work then?

longlistofexlovers · 10/06/2015 16:16

You don't know her name so you won't know it's her - but you'll hear about her in the future.

Spoken like a very proud mum!

Original poster

BlueBerryPye · 10/06/2015 16:16

OMG Nicki, my mum did that. I remember a holiday to a French campsite where I met two other girls and we had a little squabble - I was in Year 8 so 12/13, I think - my mum went absolutely mad about it, walking around with a tight lip and saying in this way that sort of indicated she was just holding back absolute RAGE 'they didn't fall out with each other, did they? It. Had. To. Be. YOU!'

OP posts:

NickiFury · 10/06/2015 16:17

My whole life she took my friends sides. Right in front of me too. She would also slag me off to them in front of me as well. God she was such a twat!

notfromstepford · 10/06/2015 16:18

NickiFury - no idea how it works but I know exactly what you mean!

User543212345 · 10/06/2015 16:23

Counselling doesn't have to be expensive - group counselling is often less expensive, and there are plenty of places where I live (London) who do sliding scales of payment. It can also be available on the NHS. Or maybe through a local church - sometimes just talking about it out loud with an external party, like a vicar, can be really helpful. Or try online workbooks?

I have found that my mother's evident dislike of me (both as a child and an adult) has destroyed my self esteem and I don't value myself. I'm in therapy (CBT) at the moment but it's not really working just yet, though it's early days. My therapist talks a lot about having the same compassion for myself that I have for others. I don't really get it.

I suppose the behaviour of my mother towards me was a huge part of my decision not to become a parent myself. My sister, who has 3, has made such a huge effort not to be our mother that it cements to me that what she did was wrong.

MrsMcColl · 10/06/2015 16:27

I always knew I was a disappointment to my parents and a cuckoo in the nest. But I only fully saw their attitude to me when I had my own DD. I adore her, and one of the things I love most is the fact that she is her very own person - bits of me and her dad, but her own fabulous unique self. I don't feel threatened when I see her developing her own individuality - as I believe my parents did with me - I think it's fascinating, and I love watching the person she's becoming. My parents didn't see me this way - which was a shame for all of us.

OP, the fact you are aware of it makes it less likely that you'll treat your own child the way your mother treated you. History definitely doesn't have to repeat itself.

FayKorgasm · 10/06/2015 16:31

There are days when I don't like what the dc do. Like today ds is being a right pain and over dramatic. But I always like and love them.

Original poster

BlueberryPye · 10/06/2015 16:31

Yeah, I have tried counselling thanks, it wasn't for me. And expensive!

I was watching a TV programme and realised my mum had wanted a daughter like the ones featured in the programme, unfortunately, I was very unlike her.

OP posts:

meadowquark · 10/06/2015 16:31

Yes. I admit I do not like one of my sons very much. He is 7 and he is manipulative, deceitful, tempered, awkward and behaves silly even though he is smart. He has traits of some behavioural disorders. My personality is not easy, too, but I adapted, however we just clash a lot! I have been patient and never show negative emotions. I feel bad that I feel this way. I try to mask my dislike as much as I can. No doubt, I love him as much as my other (sweetheart) son, but he does annoy the crap put of me.

Purplepoodle · 10/06/2015 16:42

My friend had this. Her and husband and quiet, sedate, wouldn't day boo to a goose. Their dd1 is the most outgoing, boisterous, strong willed child iv ever met. Friend has found it very tough parenting her BUT she has learned her own ways. Gives her a big hug and cuddles at bedtimes and tells her she loves her

Boswellox · 10/06/2015 16:44

What an interesting and "real" subject for a post. I am not a mum but hope the responders hear you and only post if they have something illuminating to say.

ItsTricky · 10/06/2015 16:44

Op, do you think your mum might have had some mental health issues. I'm not defending her at all, but a couple of things you mention rang a bell.

You are not your mum, op. Having a crappy childhood such as yours knocks your self esteem massively, and to some extent you can never shake it off. However, you can learn to live with it and do certain things to lift yourself up. Such as only surrounding yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself, don't let anyone knock you down again.

As for parenting, it's never cut and dried. People with 'wonderful' childhoods may find their children difficult and vice versa.

Have you spoken to your gp about getting referred for counselling on the NHS?

Bakeoffcake · 10/06/2015 16:54

I got that feeling very much from my mum.

Because I am aware of it, I've made sure my DC know they are cherished and loved. They are in their early twenties now, and there have been times when I haven't liked how they've behaved and when I've been very angry with them about something. But whilst I've let them know I'm cross/disappointed about their behaviour, I've also made very sure they know I still love them very much.

If you are aware of not wanting to repeat your upbringing, you are half way there OP.

Original poster

BlueBerryPye · 10/06/2015 16:58

I always felt loved by her.

But never liked, accepted.

OP posts:

Penfolds5 · 11/06/2015 10:52

Blueberry, did you feel not liked and accepted by people in general, or just your mum?

Original poster

BlueBerryPye · 11/06/2015 11:19

Pretty much just my mum.

OP posts:

PavlovaPalaver · 11/06/2015 11:49

I don't like my son's attitude sometimes. He is 10 and is very negative & moany and always finds something to complain about. I wish he was a bit less precious and just got on with things a bit more.

But I do love him.

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