To think I am making a mess of this

[Mangolimes]

I would hugely appreciate any advice on dealing with this situation.

I have a brother who is 37 this winter. He has always been 'difficult'; he has, I suspect, undiagnosed ASD. In addition to this, he's had serious mental health problems including one voluntary admission to a psychiatric ward 4 years ago.

To be honest, I find my brother difficult to like, most of the time. He has little by way of a sense of humour and the things he does find funny are bizarre, mostly involving someone else's misfortune or discomfort in some way. I guess because of this he has hardly any friends. He hasn't worked much either. He has a professional qualification but received a conditions of practice from the associations professional body 6 years ago due to his health. This was finally lifted 2 years ago and he got a job, but it didn't work out. Then he got another job, but the inevitable happened. So he's 'used' his qualification for two and a half years in total.

He is quite whingey and prone to theatrics. He fell down when we were skiing and made such a huge, embarrassing fuss - bellowing in 'agony' and moaning and whining. He falls 'ill' with alarming regularity - one of the points made to him when he had a conditions of practice made against him working was the size of his medical file and the fact that there was suspected Munchausins syndrome, something he hotly denies. I can't explain the number of times he's ill - so ill he can't possibly get out of bed, yet clearly he can because he goes to the doctor.

He constantly wants to 'come round', I suspect as I'm the only form of human contact he has, yet when you try to suggest stuff he could do he just says 'yeah, what a GREAT idea!' then doesn't do it. He brings up inappropriate topics of conversation up - talking about a cocaine addicted, prostutute using friend of his at an 18th birthday party - everyone knew this friend. Pointed out his mate might not want a load of young girls knowing this fact but he was just spluttering and giggling away to himself. Doesn't see this is the reason he has no friends at all.

He's never had a girlfriend, he desperately wants one but ... Always looks scruffy. Always wearing stained, too big clothes.

I want out. I want to stop being associated with him. I want to be non contact.

But how the HELL do you do this, in practice?! Do I just say 'I can't fucking stand you? Leave me the hell alone and stop coming round here all the time!' We have property we jointly own (our parents are dead and left us an inheritance.) So how to go about this?

Also I don't like him, but ... I'm all he's got. And I know he can't help being who and what he is but I'm so tired and ground down by it.

Help!

There is a book called Where to Draw the Line - setting Healthy Boundaries every day (or something like that) by Anne Katherine. I think you might find it very helpful in deciding what you will and won't put up with and how to put those boundaries in place.

Just what imperial and Pictish have said. I feel bloody sorry for you.

You may be able to access counselling via the nhs, via cruse bereavement or some counsellors offer special rates also. It sounds like you really need some support for you.

Sympathies to you OP.

I have an alcoholic sister and we had to let go of her to let her make her own way. It was hard but my mother and I needed to look after our own well being and our own families.

There's only so much headspace you can give over to another person.

I don't know HOW you do it, but I think it has to be done or else you're going to blow up. It may be what he needs to get himself straight.

I feel for you.

Oh, he can end up in jail alright. If he won't deal with what should be a medical issue, he forces you to treat it as a criminal issue. It sounds awful. But something must change, and if he won't approach it from his end, you mist, and you have few other options.

Your parents may have treated him as a poor little sick boy, but you dont have to. He isnt a boy. And you arent his parent.

Inform him of the new rules about how he contacts you and make your demands for low contact on a schedule. This isnt up for negotiation, or discussion. If he wont follow these new contact rules, you will involve the police. Personally, I would have a witness to this conversation, and have it written out, and send it to him electronically. he has been allowed to abuse you, one way or another, for decades, he wont like the change to the status quo. Expect verbal abuse, and, well, he has physically harmed you in the past, so, it isnt impossible now.

Document every interaction from then on, and call the police if he doesnt change his behaviour. Perhaps he will finally 'get' it if he gets a police warning after a 111 call. Perhaps it will have to reach the point of a 999 call. Or you having him arrested. Or, actual jail time. Maybe he never will get it.

But you dont have to spend your whole life as his target. He is stalking and harassing you. Brother or not, undiagnosed condition or not, he has no right to interfere in your life in a way that would be criminal if it were coming from anyone else. If someone told you their ex-partner were treating them as he does you, and had a history of abuse toward them, there would be No Question of simply taking it because they might, maybe have an undiagnosed condition. The police would be involved.

I feel so sorry for you OP. I have been where you are, my sister is a drug addict which I suspect is due to self medicating various MH issues (chicken egg situation as she smoked cannabis from a very young age). I understand she is ill, even my counseller has said addiction is an illness but the truth is, her behaviour made ME ill. I was terrified of her and she ruined my life as I hated spending time with her (rude, aggressive, untrustworthy, emotional blackmail). A year and a half ago I went NC. Whilst I still have to cope with feelings of guilt, I don't have to put up with her bad behaviour and never knowing what is coming next. My life is more settled and my anxiety has decreased considerably (although it will never go away). I was at the stage where even a managed visit was too much for me (and never enough for her) and if you feel you have got to that point and it is seriously affecting your life, then I say you have explored all options. I don't mean just that you can't be bothered or he annoys you, I mean seriously upsetting you and affecting your life. Good luck OP, it won't be easy but sometimes we have to put our own happiness first.

Yanbu. My mum was analcoholic and I couldnt cope with the way she behaved so I cut her out. She got better because she was losing us all but trust me if she started again I would cut her off.
Your brother refusing to get help is the same I think.
I think I would have one last chat and say that you wont see him unless he seeks professional health regarding his behaviours.
Best of luck to you