To not want to tell the other school mum's that DS has Aspergers

[thegirlinthebed]

DS just turned 6.

He's been diagnosed with Aspergers.

I'm sure the parents of the other children in his class might guess he's a little different - but I'm afraid to say anything to them as I don't want to label him forever

He's almost 'normal' but can get very upset suddenly. Normally he gets over it pretty quick and gets on with things.

Sometimes I worry if I have to leave him at a party by himself in case he gets upset and I'm not there to calm him down quickly. I feel on edge until collection time.

If I tell people then everyone will know forever - and they'll always view him as someone with Aspergers. There's so much more to him

What would you honestly think if you heard someone in your child's class has Aspergers? Would you assume that child would find similar types of children to play with and wouldn't be joining in with your child?

If you don't know someone with aspergers / mild autism what would you assume my DS is like?

If you were me would you say nothing?

Ok I take all your points and agree!

People might think 'autism/aspergers = [insert stereotype]" before they even meet the child which is not going to be helpful. Mine has no behavioural issues really and I don't want him treated with kid gloves and patronised 'in case he has a meltdown' etc. or whatever other behaviour people might expect. It would be very weird for him if they did.

psippsina that's kind of how I feel too. The stereotypes, preconceptions and assumptions come flying out if I ever tell someone who doesn't know ds. According to them he must have sensory issues, need for routine, be a visual learner, and have a special gift. None of the above apply

I'm pretty open about it to parents who I think will take it in the right way - i.e. understand the reason for any 'odd' behaviour (e.g. repetitive conversation) but also not patronise him in a pat-on-the-head "bless him" kind of way. All his friends' parents know (I think) but probably lots at school don't. None of his classmates or other friends know, because we haven't told him of his dx yet.

I also think at 7/8yo the children are too old for just "peoples' brains are wired differently" but not old/mature enough themselves to truly understand and accommodate the subtle behavioural or social differences that my ds has. Not quite sure yet how to tell ds, or how/when to tell other children.

When he was younger and e.g. at parties and it was more obvious (e.g. hating balloons popping) I quickly learnt to shrug off any stares from parents who I didn't know.

The other thing is that even if you do tell someone, parent or child, the name of the diagnosis itself doesn't necessarily give them any greater idea of how to then interact with your child. The only way to do that is to get to know them, and for them to get to know your dc.

As I said above, if I can tell that someone is going to be a head-patting type, or the "oh he can't have it as he doesn't do xyz" type that goldmandra talked about, I probably won't bother.

What would you honestly think if you heard someone in your child's class has Aspergers?

What I actually thought was 'that explains a few things' followed by 'how do I protect my son from the effects of this child's ASD and what can be done to help them get along'.

(We had a situation where both children were making each other very uncomfortable through no fault of their own)

If you don't know someone with aspergers / mild autism what would you assume my DS is like?

I wouldn't assume anything other than the need to talk to you before issuing a party/trip/meal/etc invitation.

^^and prior to my ds developing a friendship with a boy who has ASD I didn't assume anything...nor would I about anyone else with ASD.

In the case of my dd (HF ASD and coordination difficulties)- I have found that I am slightly paranoid about who does know and who doesn't, as obviously I did not ask for a notice in the school newsletter. But there are a large number of TA's and volunteers who are also parents of children at dd's school. So I know some people must know as part of their daily interaction with the school/ staff. If they are not friends but acquaintances and from experience relating to other children I know gossip and speculation does occur anyway...then it is more comfortable for me if I am in control of the flow of information rather than the gossip mill. I like to be in charge of the info and therefore know it is accurate.

As I say it is most likely paranoia - dd is not exhibiting disruptive behaviour and rarely affects others learning though she struggles to focus on her own at times. So it is doubtful anyone really talks about her - but [shrug emoticon required]!

So if for no other reason - if you are the one talking about Autism you know at least what you say is correct/ accurate/ relevant (hopefully!!).

I think it might helpful to look at some of the amazing things being said by adults with AS on social media lately. There is a huge amount of autism pride these days. Its nothing to be ashamed of, and although you can protect him at this age, you can't protect him from the truth forever. Asperger's may not be all of who he is, but it is a big part - like our race, gender, sexuality - it does matter, and understanding and having pride in important aspects of your identity are crucial.

Better to be forewarned, forearmed and for it to not be a big deal, I say. I'd much rather my child grew up to have some (age appropriate, at each stage) knowledge and understanding of himself, than there be this 'secret' that some people know and some don't.

I say that as an Aspie woman with an Aspie son. I wasn't diagnosed as a child, so had no reference points at all. But DS is growing up to really embrace who he is. He will openly say he is Aspie if it comes up in convo (he is in Year 6 and so far, it rarely does), and I am hoping that that openness and 'its just a part of who I am' mentality will set him in good stead for young adulthood.

And I should add...by secondary school, he'll have his own views about this. If he needs extra support at school, people are going to clock there is some additional need there. But he won't be the only one. And he'll find his own ways of navigating that himself. Like I said, as much as we want to protect our children...you can't control every aspect of their environment and how people react towards them forever...

A very interesting thread. My yr1 DS is mid diagnosis for what is looking like some sort of HF ASD. His behaviour IS tricky, increasingly so and I am at a loss as to how to deal with this with his school mates and their parents. He is rapidly gaining a reputation for being a naughty child/the boy who hits people or says unkind words. He appears to have very little insight into why his behaviour may make him unpopular and may upset his schoolmates.and it's quite clear that a significant proportion of the parents believe that we are not strict enough with him and don't discipline him properly. I however am at a loss as to how to deal with his behaviour as I don't believe it's fair to discipline him for behaviour over which he has no understanding, for the benefit of all their children to see him being told off.

I would be interested in any advice or experience you might have regarding this. I have mentioned to the parents of some of his closest classmates that he is made diagnosis but we don't really know what's happening yet.

I think your son will have more friends if the other kids can understand why he sometimes acts the way he does. My ds is fantastic with Sen children even though he isn't and I encourage this

Quite so Blonde - dd is 9 yo and able to read up on ASD and make her own mind up - and is very happy to talk about her experience and loves to see/ read about young women on the spectrum. The only difficulty is explaining that although her official diagnosis from the paediatrician cites 'High Acheiving Autistic Spectrum disorder' when we were at the assessment the term Aspergers was also used - so either term can be used to describe her place on the Autistic spectrum. A little confusing I think.

She loves the irl with the Curly Hair' and a book we bought her called 'Aspergers and me'. So she is finding inspiration and confidence from knowing there are other people on the spectrum and recognising herself in the words of others - which for someone who feels different and apart at times - is amazing and completely positive. And would not have happened without her diagnosis.

I was the "different" child at school. Rarely invited to things, at one point in my early teens I had my "friends" literally running away from me on a regular basis. As far as anyone knew I was "normal". I like to think that if I'd had a diagnosis then they'd have either just not made friends with me in the first place or left me alone, or at least I'd have got a bit more support from school than just "we can't make people be friends".

I was 27 before I figured it out for myself. We're now at the start of the process for DS1 (3yo) & I've always been really open about my concerns about him. If he's going to be bullied then that'll happen anyway, if people are going to avoid him then I'd rather they did that from the start instead of withdrawing their friendship if/when they became aware of his dx. At least if we're being upfront about who he is then that gives others the opportunity to be upfront about their prejudices! I also freely share my self-diagnosis if it comes up in conversation with everyone except my family who'd insist I was "fine". Personally I think it's important for the "rainman" or severely-impaired assumptions to be undermined as frequently as possible if the stigma's going to be removed. I like the social-dyslexia analogy - I think that might be a good, if somewhat simplistic, way of explaining it to people who've not come across it before.

Yanbu. Once you tell, you can't unwell. If you don't tell everyone now then you are able to change your mind on that and let others know if and when you feel it would benefit your DS to do so. I'd keep quiet for now as see how things go. You can change your mind at any point.

Can't untell not unwell.

Cattycat in a similar circumstance, what's the best way to manage the reactions to my DS1s unruly behaviour?

zzzz thanks again, that is very helpful! As I said those questions came a couple of years ago and now they just seem to accept that he is and does what he does, and he is included and a very nice boy! he took a shine to my son and I think that's why my DS was wondering. I absolutely would never want to make anything harder for anyone!

ragged

My DS is quite ok with changes in routine - doesn't really bother him

He does sometimes get upset where other chikdren wouldn't

His main issue is he doesn't have the best social skills with peers so doesn't join in properly in groups of peers.

Many people have assumptions about what a child with autism is like. I don't want them assuming things about DS -

ZZZZ the comparisons you make in your post addressed to me are irrelevant and don't make any sense in context.

OP has doubts over how to proceed and i don't think that she is being unreasonable to feel conflicted aand unsure of what to do for the best. Maintaining the status quo is a reasonable response to uncertainty. If and when OP feels she is sure that she wants to share her DS' diagnosis she can do so. No need to hurry or rush someone who is coming to terms with a diagnosis.

You are desperate to read prejudice into a post where there wasn't any, ZZZZ. Perhaps it is you who should be thinking about how you view ASD and other people generally. Not everyone is exactly like you, thinks like you, wants to walk your exact path. This thread is about OP, not you! Presumably OP wanted to hear a range of responses, not one person attempting to shout down anyone who says OP should what she feels comfortable with, when she feels comfortable with it. You need to chill out, ZZZZ.