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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Single women over 30 are failures, apparently!

27 replies

Sansarya · 08/06/2015 09:32

I have a colleague who seems to be the gift that just keeps giving when it comes to sound bytes. In the past its included the gems "I could never respect a man who was a SAHD" and "yuck, how could you buy stuff from eBay for your baby?" Her latest is that single women over 30 with no kids are seen as failures.

Apparently it doesn't matter what you've achieved in your education or career, if you don't have a man you haven't succeeded. And apparently a lot of people think this so she has advised her 21yo sister that once she finishes university, she needs to find a husband and have kids ASAP.

It's not just me who finds it depressing that people still think the most important thing a woman needs to do in life is catch a man, is it?

OP posts:
EatShitDerek · 08/06/2015 09:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Soduthen116 · 08/06/2015 09:34

I don't really know anyone who does.

WorraLiberty · 08/06/2015 09:36

What did you say to her about her views?

FeijoaSundae · 08/06/2015 09:36

There are worse opinions out there than that one, sadly.

Sandunesaltyair · 08/06/2015 09:37

Well, she's obviously silly re eBay and SAHDs.

However, I don't think the advice she's giving to her sister is 'bad' advice - assuming her sister wants to get married and have children, I think it's quite sensible.

isntthatafont · 08/06/2015 09:39

There are people who think the most important thing in a man's life is to find a woman, too.

Everyone's entitled to their opinion. Most of them are wrong in my opinion.

Original poster
Sansarya · 08/06/2015 09:41

I told her that she was being ridiculous and that she shouldn't project her own feelings onto her sister. Ironically, she herself is well-educated with a good job but is obsessed with getting married and having kids and is stressing out that her boyfriend of less than a year won't proposes soon. It's kind of sad that women still think like this and that any daughter she has will be raised to think that getting a man is the be all and end all in life.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 08/06/2015 09:43

Haven't you started a couple of threads about this woman before?

Or was it a different friend who could never respect a SAHD and would never buy secondhand baby clothes?

alteredimages · 08/06/2015 09:47

OK, that puts a bit of a different spin on it then. Rather than just being horribly judgemental and superior it sounds like she is projecting her anxieties about her not having married and had children yet onto her sister and women in general.

It is very sad that people still think this and I would be tempted to robustly rebut her arguments but maybe to sit down, have a cup of tea with her and reassure her a bit too because she sounds like she is either very sad or seriously lacking in confidence.

EatShitDerek · 08/06/2015 09:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Sansarya · 08/06/2015 09:51

Oh I did try to reassure her after a while, it was the initial branding of single women over 30 as failures that I said was ridiculous. I've told her many times in the past not to get hung up over her single status and just enjoy the time she has with her boyfriend but within a month of starting to date him she'd started worrying about marriage. I do hope that if she ever has a daughter she will chill out a bit and not be like this with her and put the pressure on.

OP posts:
InstitutionCode · 08/06/2015 09:57

I'd say the view that women who marry and/or have children young before achieving anything else are seen as failures, is far more common actually.

Although, of course, neither is right.

keeptothewhiteline · 08/06/2015 09:58

Having colleagues like that can be so much fun though..

She doesn't sound like the shiniest penny, create your own fun by baiting her...simply irresistible.

HelenF350 · 08/06/2015 10:55

Is your friend Katie Hopkins?! Blush

Sandunesaltyair · 08/06/2015 10:58

It is harder to meet people as you get older, so if I am entirely honest I understand her feelings.

She does sound silly, though.

mileend2bermondsey · 08/06/2015 11:08

Apparently it doesn't matter what you've achieved in your education or career, if you don't have a man you haven't succeeded
I dont consider being well educating or making tonnes of money as having 'succeeded' nor do I think it necessary to have lived a happy and fulfilling life.
You and your friend and both measuring 'success' on arbitary, personal milestones. Only an individual can judge their own success in life, based on what is important to them.

SnowyPiglet · 08/06/2015 11:15

I agree with you OP, it is very depressing that someone should think that. And what's wrong with a SAHD I wonder? She sounds very old-fashioned. Perhaps she is just expressing her Mother's views or something?

MTWTFSS · 08/06/2015 11:25

For Christmas please buy her duct tape.

When she asks why did you buy her that present, please reply: "To put over your mouth when you want to say something stupid".

mileend2bermondsey · 08/06/2015 11:28

well educated* even

sparkysparkysparky · 08/06/2015 11:31

Well, she's wrong , of course. But it sounds like she gives plenty of comical soundbites. I imagine most people around her think she has some major Ishoos to come out with that sort of crap. She was born in the wrong era. In fact, I was born in the era she wishes she was in right niw and even my small town, strictly religious lot never came out with crap like that.

susanstryingterm · 08/06/2015 11:56

She sounds silly and also deeply insensitive to other people's feelings.

Theycallmemellowjello · 08/06/2015 12:01

Yanbu, clearly this woman has major issues about how she feels about herself, but that doesn't give her carte blanche to spout this hateful crap. I feel sorry for her sister!

gallicgirl · 08/06/2015 12:05

Tell her to stop reading the Daily Mail. Her life will improve almost immediately.

viva100 · 08/06/2015 12:14

YANBU.
See, I'm surrounded by people who think career is everything and women who get married and have kids before 30 are silly, especially if they also neglect their careers.

Personally, I think the workplace is the worst place ever to have debates about personal lives and choices. Just don't get involved in these types of discussions with her.

Skiptonlass · 08/06/2015 12:40

just leave it.

It's annoying, but she's obviously projecting her own anxieties.

I've worked in places where the opposite is true - have kids and you're automatically on the mummy track (only women obviously, men who leave on time to pick their kids up are fabulous dads...) or you go on mat leave an mysteriously get fired/ funding dries up/position magically no longer available (oh yes it's illegal, but it happens...)

There's always someone who wants to tell you you're wrong, in my experience. Usually it's their own prejudices on show, unless you mince kittens for a living or something similarly evil. Live your life well and leave them to it.

Or if you fancy being really evil, you could put on your best sympathetic face and say, "is that something you worry about? Being left on the scrap heap?"

;)