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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if anyone else always feels on the outside of groups?

74 replies

Mollymoomoy · 07/06/2015 22:55

I've just always been one of those people. Clearly it's something that I'm doing (wrong?) but don't know what? I'm not loud as such but definitely not super quiet.

At school I was always on the outside of things. I am the same at my DCs school with the other mums. And at work too. And in my NCT group after having my eldest child.

Does anyone else feel like this?

OP posts:

SomewhereIBelong · 08/06/2015 09:12

I am never part of a group - I prefer one to one coffee etc - but I really like it that way.

Occasionally I get "trapped" into a group outing, and feel the odd one out - I don't like TV that much, so can't talk about the endless crap of reality telly, don't give a crap about whichever Kardashian is newsworthy etc.

Though it was amusing last month when someone was talking about Simon Cowell being so powerful in TV nowadays and I got him confused with Simon Callow and thought I'd missed some big new drama.... - it is that slightly outside feeling...

TheSconeOfStone · 08/06/2015 09:13

I have always felt this way. I get on well with most people and I'm considered to be a nice friendly person but I always feel like an outsider. At the age of 41 I've come to the conclusion I like it way, as long as I have a handful of close friends. I get twitchy on a night out with more than 8 people.

I'm finding the school gate hard as DD1 is in year 2 and I'm not part of any group although I say hello to lots of people. It affects DD's school social life for sure. I only pick up twice a week due to work and tell myself it's because of that.

PenelopeChipShop · 08/06/2015 09:15

Also I think people like us tend not to realise that the ones who are social butterflies get fed up too. I recently organised a trip out and the friend who I think of as knowing everyone and being at the centre of things actually commented on how great it was to just go to something she hadn't had to organise. So I think we all get stuck in our roles a little bit.

ThingummyJigg · 08/06/2015 09:32

I always felt on the outside of groups. So now I just don't attempt to join in. I'm very lonely.

My family felt very different, growing up, and I was the odd one out in the family. That's an interesting theory.

I spent a long time looking for and hoping to find 'my people' with whom I wouldn't feel like an outsider/a bit different/the weird one, but I know now that it won't happen. I've given up really.

mangoespadrille · 08/06/2015 09:40

I am exactly the same. My best friend is the opposite, has loads of friends from loads of places/activities, always on facebook saying how much fun she's had. She's a teacher and her half terms are always completely booked up with activities and visits to friends.

In reality, she's constantly tired and would just like a few days with her DD. She always rolls her eyes when telling me her plans for the weekend as she's never looking forwards to it. I sometimes get jealous of the facebook pictures/posts but then I remember I'm an anti-social cow and I love just doing my own thing!

And yy to feeling different as a child. I was a carer as a teenager and didn't feel like I could "abandon" my family responsibilities even on the rare occasions I was invited out. I was also obese and we were poor so I felt embarrassed by my own existence most of the time. I had never linked the two but it seems obvious now you mention it.

SilverBirch2015 · 08/06/2015 10:49

It sounds like we do actually belong to a large group... of people that don't do large groups

sunseeker66 · 08/06/2015 11:01

Yes I have always been on the outside and the always the first to be ditched from a group.

I have my own group now, there's just me in it

blendedfamilygrinch · 08/06/2015 11:06

This is me too.
Again there's always a reason/excuse.
I made a superhuman effort to push my insecurities aside when dc1 started preschool, I was on mat leave with dc2 & I did begin to feel like part of the group of mums. Then we moved & I was back at work & couldn't/wouldn't start it all over again. So now I'm back on the edge looking in & alternate between wishing I could belong or just give up & become completely aloof..

schoggi · 08/06/2015 11:10

Yes. Definitely. But that's exactly how I like it.

SpottedTent · 08/06/2015 11:34

Yes definitely. However as I've grown older I accept that I'm an introvert and I'm actually happy sitting back and listening around me. I'll engage mainly in one on one conversation in a large group.

I think it's a good thing that the world isn't full of the louder more extrovert type, think of the noise and jostling for centre! DP enjoys taking the stage, I leave him to it.

MrsMook · 08/06/2015 11:46

I get on best with larger fluid groups where people dip in and out. The thought of a tight group of girl friends is rather claustrophobic.

I felt like that at school. I moved area when young to a school with little social change late in the school year so had no friends before the start of the summer holidays, so took a long time to make new friends.

I had an unconventional family. I don't think it was the family itself, but some people's reactions to something that wasn't 2.4 children that made a difference. I did see people in my family following their own paths and that's something I've always been confident at; I didn't need a load of groupies to accompany me to everything. The trouble is when everyone else turns up in big packs and don't mix. The social world of motherhood irritates me for that.

fairyelephantswellies · 08/06/2015 11:55

Yes, always have, but as PP's have said, have only recently (I'm nearly 40) accepted that it's just how I am. Also, that groups can be stressful because of the expectations and demands.

tbtc · 08/06/2015 11:59

In any child-related group I have felt on the outside (sports, scouts, school things), but in groups related to me (my work, running club and choir) I do not feel on the outside at all.

Maybe it's due to me being more myself and getting to know people as me, rather than DSs Mum.

IKnowRight · 08/06/2015 12:14

Me. This is me.

The theory of "unusual" families is interesting and I think it applies to me. Forces child, moved around a lot, eventually went to boarding school but didn't really fit in there either as not posh or polished enough.

I do have one really close friend, she is the type that I may not see for months but when we get together it's like we've never been apart.

I did have a circle of friends that I saw regularly until recently as we all had toddlers the same age. Took part in weekends away, nights out etc. All the children are now at school and I have drifted out of the group now. I thought some of them were friends rather than acquaintances iyswim, looks like I was wrong there. Many of them are still doing the toddler circuit as they have younger children however my youngest is at school and I work full time. I've tried to instigate meeting up but was met with noncommittal bollocks. Hurtful as it is, I'm trying to leave the lot of them behind and get on with my life alongside people who genuinely like me. Fuck 'em.

OP, does it bother you that you're not part of a big group? I actually find it easier not to be tbh, less time spent trying to please everyone else. A lot of it was false and there was a fair amount of backstabbing. I'm 41, too old to indulge in playground antics now.

MrsGoslingWannabe · 09/06/2015 21:32

I'm the same but am starting not to care and just think "fuck it".
But today I was a little bothered to hear a couple of the school mums talking about a planned night out on Friday. I used to consider them as friends but not anymore. I wouldn't want to go but it would have been nice to be asked.
I feel like outsider

MrsGoslingWannabe · 09/06/2015 21:36

...even with my own family (DP & DD and mum, dad, brothers etc) Its very strange (& lonely)

tilliebob · 09/06/2015 21:39

Yes but in my old age mid 40's I've realised its more about how I feel than anything that anyone is/isn't doing. I don't actually like being "in" cliques or groups, I hate having my calendar full of commitments and obligations. I'm actually a loner who thinks she should be a gregarious person due to social/media pressure of what a successful/happy woman "should" be like.

HarryLimeFoxtrot · 09/06/2015 21:49

Yes definitely. This is me.

I only have a couple of close friends who I tend to see on a one-to-one basis (and some of them live a long way away).

I find being in a large group with people I don't know very stressful - especially if I know I'm going to see them again (so a big international conference where I probably won't see most of the people again is easier than the group of school mums at a new school).

I find groups difficult even if we all have a common interest (I used to row quite seriously, and always felt like an outsider in my boat club - despite the fact that I spent 30+ hours a week training with the same small group of people)

I don't think in too bothered about it these days I'm almost 40

FoodPorn · 09/06/2015 22:25

Yes. I never quite fit in. Sometimes, I wonder if I'll ever find people like me.

mughandle · 09/06/2015 22:56

I'm an introvert and never happier than reading, writing, listening to music etc On my own.

I have a dh and three kids so my idea of hell is to then spend the little free time I have in a group

The group is rarely what it's cracked up to be I'm sure. I do like people, but in one to one interactions and small doses. I fully accept I'm a bit intense and strange for some but happy to leave the queen bee types to it. It must be exhausting!

Babyroobs · 09/06/2015 22:57

Yes - I feel like the only one at work who never gets invited to lunch etc, I work with about 60 colleauges in all and there are numerous small groups that meet up outside of work, but I am never included in any or invited anywhere. I am not sure why people don't like me or want to involve me as I always try to be friendly and interested in others. I have a group of about six friends who I have known since being a teenager and i can honestly say these are my only true friends. At the school gates, I speak to quite a lot of eople on a very superficial level but never get invited to coffee/ meals out etc. I know i could make the first move but am too worried about rejection to do so.

Nettletheelf · 09/06/2015 23:17

I used to be, but I turned into a queen bee after I was 30. Without being in a pupa. I think I just became more confident in myself, or realised that most other people are a bit insecure and worried about being left out. I'm fine in big groups now, but when I was younger I used to be scared that everyone would find me silly or boring.

Not everybody is the 'clubbable' type, which is fine. If you want to be like that it helps to be good at small talk, but it's not essential. Everyone has some fun in them, you just have to find a way of letting it out in your dealings with them.

I'm with the poster above who suggested that 'deranged social engineer' types sometimes contrive to push people out of groups to make themselves feel better, but you don't want to be around people like that anyway. They are toxic.

geekymommy · 10/06/2015 03:02

Yes, definitely!

Maybe all of us who always feel on the outside of groups should form a group of our own. The dynamics might be interesting.

hollieberrie · 10/06/2015 07:07

Ha. Yes we'd be a lovely leaderless cooperative of nice people

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