To ask if anyone else always feels on the outside of groups?

[Mollymoomoy]

I've just always been one of those people. Clearly it's something that I'm doing (wrong?) but don't know what? I'm not loud as such but definitely not super quiet.

At school I was always on the outside of things. I am the same at my DCs school with the other mums. And at work too. And in my NCT group after having my eldest child.

Does anyone else feel like this?

I feel as though I'm on the outside of the human race

Yes everyone feels like that sometimes! Even confident seeming people. And in all likelihood no one would guess that you feel like that either.

I do! I somehow find it hard to tune in, and I'm much better at one to one conversations. No known syndromes, it's just how I am!

Yep. All the fucking time.

yep!

Yes. You aren't alone, sorry you also feek this OP.

I'm a grown woman and still haven't figured it all out . Sometimes I say to myself "fuck it" and at other times it can make me feel a bit down.

*feel (not feek)

Yes - there's always a good reason (I moved away; I couldn't make all the meetings; I lived in a different town and couldn't socialise easily...) but I often find myself on the periphery of a group rather than a central player - and then doubt a bit whether others really value my friendship, even though I have no reason to do so

I read somewhere that feeling always like an outsider is to do with your family status when you were younger - if your family was different in a way that made you feel isolated and different to others.

Yes, majority of my life. I now think it may be a sub-conscious personal choice. I actually do not really want to commit to a single special group or necessarily confirm to their expected behaviours.

i have some internal confidence issues (if you knew I don't think you would realise) and sometimes struggle with a self-perception that others my not want me or like me in the group.

I much prefer one to one friendships, and am on the periphery of a number of groups, it's enough most of the time.

Wow that theory about it relating to your family being "different" as you grew up nails it for me.

In reality I would hate to conform to a group, and one in particular I am thinking of have tried to include me. But I have run a mile backed away as I can see some of the politics of the group and it's not something I can be bothered to have in my life.

I prefer to quietly form my own friendships away from the groups!

Those in the outside are generally much more interesting IMO.

Yes, for me it's linked to having social/ communication problems because of autistic spectrum disorder (asd)/ aspergers.

Maybe something to consider?

Yes. But sometimes I choose to be in work I am friends with everyone but they know I keep my distance - no work friends on Facebook etc.

I don't really have a best friend atm but with DP, kids and family and other friends it's ok. I have a best friend but she lives on the other side of the world she seems to have a great social life and it makes me a bit jealous sometimes.

If you don't feel "central" or a core member of a group, maybe you are trying to belong to a group whose core values and identity you don't fully share?

Yes, this is me all over.

I feel like this a lot but it doesn't upset me. I'm perfectly happy in my own company and I do find group social situations stressful. I don't have the time/money to socialise a lot (DP and I work shifts around each other to avoid childcare costs which would negate my working at all). I do have a few very good friends and I am now part of a group of lovely school mums. I'm slowly learning as I get older that people don't care as much as think they do about my social ineptitude. They are happy to accept me as I am.

Yes, I am useless in groups but no problem one-to-one or with 2-3 people I know well. So I just tend to stick to the latter.
I do an activity though, which I love, which involves being part of a large group and I am definitely on the periphery. It's definitely me, not them because individually they are all nice and I can chat to them - I just find I can't address a group of people when talking. guess I'm scared they will either a) all ignore me, or b) all turn around at once to hear what I am going to say and it will sound a bit lame!

Group dynamics are weird and things are often not what they seem. I moved town around ten years ago in mid twenties and a local friend of a hometown friend made a huge effort with me and we became good friends. She is also good friends with hometown friend but will only see us separately. Hometown friend and I have an easy jovial dynamic and I think it makes new-ish friend uncomfortable as she doesn't have that quick wit but her appeal is that she makes a lot of effort with people even if superficial. She's not superficial with me btw. Consider her a good friend now.

She will invite old friend to hers but not me and will invite an extended hometown group (many of the friendships I facilitated but am now due to efforts of new-ish friend no longer part of group) including old friend who introduced us but not me and nobody likes to chsllenge her. There is a reason why some of those are invited. She doesn't have much in common with X so invites Y as a buffer etc. it's a manipulated group to suit her needs and some of them know that.

This friend likes to see me on my own which is kind of flattering but has distanced me from old group.

Sorry. Long. I just wanted to say that often in groups there is a 'mother hen' type figure who kind of manipulates things and will use flattery such as 'let's not invite Z, I just really want to catch up with you and X' etc. With my example, some of the extended home group feel a bit bullied so what looks like a lovely girly weekend that I haven't been invited too is more like an uncomfortable gathering of people some of whom don't really like each other. I always think, if you are happy to see a friend in group, you should be happy to see them one to one but often the person who sets themselves up as the lynchpin has a lot of issues.

I just have to accept friend and her foibles and try to do things with old friends separately when possible but it has driven a bit of a wedge and it annoys me they don't challenge her. We all know how she is but I am the only one who has ever challenged her. Others are quite meek and accepting.

If you are excluded from groups, there is probably someone very subtly pulling strings and some unpleasant internal politics. Don't take it personally. The string puller I have described has chronic low self esteem and that presents as narcissism and a need to control social matters.

Yes, I am one of those people. I often wonder if everyone feels this way at some point or if it's my insecurity, I'm the first to admit I'm a flaky friend and don't really like to talk to people constantly and I'm not very social so I put it down to that.

Yes. But thinking about it, it's not something that bothers me.

I'm quite a self sufficient person. I don't want or need to be in a crowd. I like my own company and have a small but trusted social/family circle. I actively dislike large groups. I'm not shy and have no social issues, I just prefer one to one interaction or being by myself.

I'm ok as I am. :)

Agree with PPs who relate feeling of exclusion to growing up in 'different' families. I did and moved around lots so never established friendships till late teens.

Also agree with PPs who say they are happy in own company. I play piano, read a lot, work in academia so lots of working alone and writing. The person I described above has no hobbies. For some people, their only hobby outside work is organising social things and maintaining friendships and they put way more effort into it than those of us who either have hobbies or are happy alone.

yes I do feel like that, even when I am 'in' a group.
Possibly I have also been made to feel like that in my 'family'.
My dad left us and remarried and had a quick succession of new improved children, who he calls 'son One' 'Son Two' ' etc., leaving me and my bro as big fat zero's. We are never invited for Xmas, family days, hols, or special birthdays. If I say anything about this my dad just blanks me and i have to apologise and grovel to him to be 'reinstated'.

I have always, always felt this way and now in my mid-thirties I accept it. I actually don't think there's anything 'wrong' with me or with most of us, some people are just not cut out for the constant socialising that being in a group tends to involve. I think goteam has nailed it actually - the reality of being a 'group member' (ie being invited to lots of stuff) is not always what it appears, nor as fun as it might look. The older I get the more I realise that friendships I might have felt 'excluded' from years ago are in fact fairly superficial. I am perfectly happy hanging around with those I like and making my own social arrangements now rather than waiting for an invite into some sort of hallowed 'group'.

Exactly Penelope. I'm the same age and prefer smaller groups anyway. I tend to do things in twos or threes with members of that extended group (of around 7) I described. The difficulty is that lynchpin has more time and inclination and if I know they've just visited her, I feel bad expecting them to come again as its a three hour expensive train journey. We areal busy with work, kids etc. I have other friends too but also prefer twos or threes unless it's for kid stuff, play dates etc.