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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that tracking your teenager's iphone is controlling

42 replies

Namechange65 · 07/06/2015 11:27

I found out today that DC's father (my ex) tracks them via their mobiles - both are over 16 and have never given any particular cause for concern. Then I read a thread on here where a mother had read her DD's texts and just wondered when "caring" becomes " controlling"

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 07/06/2015 11:29

At the age they can leave home without you being able to do anything about it (so 16) it's deranged behaviour

TattyDevine · 07/06/2015 11:30

I think a quick look to see where they are, or to make sure they are where they say they are if they haven't been in touch, or are late is fine, whereas tracking them for the sake of it and asking questions to catch them out and giving them the 3rd degree after is kind of creepy and weird.

hiddenhome · 07/06/2015 11:30

Tracking as in seeing whereabouts they are?

I don't agree with reading content, but wouldn't worry about checking on their whereabouts esp. at night when you might be sitting worrying.

Penfold007 · 07/06/2015 11:30

Yes I think it's controlling. Doesn't the iPhone owner have to accept the tracking app? The dc could just delete the app.

mrstweefromtweesville · 07/06/2015 11:32

I wish someone was tracking mine. Can't find the fecker anywhere.

longlistofexlovers · 07/06/2015 11:34

It depends on whether the dc know about it or not.

I'm guessing not - and that is very controlling.

ItsRainingInBaltimore · 07/06/2015 11:38

I don't think it's a bad idea actually, but course it depends on how much over 16 they are, and the extent to which he is checking up on them. It's not like he is snooping on the calls, he's merely making sure they are where they says they are, which is very sensible imho, especially if you have concerns about the company they keep and what they get up to. Also if there is a problem or they are in danger then it's easier to find them and help them.

Things like this only bother people who feel a need to lie about where they are, surely? I couldn't really say whether it's controlling or not, without knowing more about why he does it and how the children feel about it.

I guess if they are over 16 they have the choice to pay for their own phone and have complete privacy.

SoupDragon · 07/06/2015 11:38

I use it to see whereabouts they are on their journey home from somewhere just to know when they'll be home for dinner. I don't use it to check up on them as I'm not that involved in their lives. They know this and don't care as they trust me not to spy on them and also they can find out where I am if they wanted to. Mutual trust :)

It would have been useful when DS managed to get lost on the way home from somewhere once and was unable to tell me where he was (look at a road name FFS!) but he didn't have a iPhone then. It's also useful for finding each other when trying to meet up.

However, actually tracking them would be weird.

ItsRainingInBaltimore · 07/06/2015 11:39

Yes also could be purely as a security measure against the phone being lost or stolen, which is perfectly reasonable.

lemmein · 07/06/2015 11:40

I put a spy app on my daughters phone last year when I suspected she was being exploited. Because of the app I was able to intervene several times, once when the gang were sat outside her school waiting for her (I knew, because of calls they'd made to her). I don't have any regrets, and although she's 17 now would do the same if I needed to. My only regret is not putting it on earlier then I may have been able to prevent her being raped. Controlling or not, it was a massive help in stopping the scum!

I'd say that my case is quite extreme, though I work with young people and actually, it isn't :-/

SoupDragon · 07/06/2015 11:40

Doesn't the iPhone owner have to accept the tracking app? The dc could just delete the app.

We use Find My iPhone as we all use the same Apple ID. They could turn it off but then they wouldn't be able to find their phone when it's lost in the house or lock it if it was stolen.

It's only controlling if the person doesn't now or if you have insisted they have some kind of tracker. If it's all open and based on mutual trust, then I don't see the problem.

Alisvolatpropiis · 07/06/2015 11:41

Yanbu

TorresTourist · 07/06/2015 11:41

I think it shows a certain lack of trust. I would do it if they were unexpectedly very late home and you couldn't contact them - say they said they would be home at midnight and it was 2am and they weren't answering their phone. Then I might do it.

ImperialBlether · 07/06/2015 11:44

lemmein Thanks for your poor daughter.

Penfold007 · 07/06/2015 11:45

Soupdragon thanks for that info, as a family we all have the find my iPhone app in facts DCs put on mine for me. I agree if it's mutual trust then no problem.

Original poster
Namechange65 · 07/06/2015 12:02

lemmein - how awful. I hope your daughter is safe now.

I guess I'm talking about in everyday, rather than extreme circumstances. DC (17) has been caught out lying by this app (not where he said he was) but at that age I often lied to my parents usually because I knew they wouldn't have approved - mainly underage clubbing in"alternative" venues - but as technology was less advanced they didn't know.I am disappointed that he lied,but feel uncomfortable with how the lie was uncovered.

OP posts:
ollieplimsoles · 07/06/2015 12:16

Lemmein what an awful thing to happen I hope things are getting better Flowers

I think in an emergency I would use it, like if they went missing and no one had heard from them for ages, the app would be useful to ar least see where the phone is.
But for general checking in, catching out purposes I think its really controlling, they are over 16.

Maryz · 07/06/2015 12:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aussiemum78 · 07/06/2015 12:31

I have a 13 year old and at the moment the rule is Mum can read messages. I periodically scan for any bullying or approaches from strangers - we also talk about it a lot as an ongoing safety online theme. I wouldn't read them all frankly they aren't exciting! She's still at the age where intervention could be necessary.

Don't have find my iPhone, she's not at the age where she goes far. At 17 it's pointless - you'd just leave the phone at home before you go out drinking! Lol I might consider it with her knowledge as a safety thing - where I could go find her if she was in trouble.

BoneyBackJefferson · 07/06/2015 12:49

namechange

On the one hand you say that they
"have never given any particular cause for concern."

You then posted

"DC (17) has been caught out lying by this app (not where he said he was)"

So maybe your ex sis have concern and they have been proven by the app?

It also sounds like you have very different expectations of your DC than your ex does.

BitOfFun · 07/06/2015 13:01

I don't think it's an issue if everybody's happy with it. Apart from anything else, phones are expensive and it helps to keep a track of them.

LaLyra · 07/06/2015 13:15

I think it depends what it's being used for. To see where they are if they are late or if there is a particular concern is one thing.

When you say your 17 year old has been "caught out" what do you mean? Was he somewhere he shouldn't have been or was he just somewhere else? At 17 I didn't give my grandparents full details of where I was going, and I certainly wouldn't have asked permission to change plans at the last minute, for example, because I was an adult with a job (and college) so it was up to me what I did.

awombwithaview · 07/06/2015 14:16

My DH uses this to find out whereabouts I am... it's just practical if he is going out and wants to know if I'm on my way back to wait for me or dinner is on etc. I use it when he picks up things off gumtree sometimes if he's been gone a while and I'm concerned, but usually I don't. There was a Jeremy Vine on it last year. I would use it for mine when they are old enough to have phones but would tell them I was using it to check they were safe. I was too often in stupud situations as a teen, I'll keep in touch with my kids more than my parents did with me...which was not at all. Our job is to protect our kids and young teens really need protecting as they think they are old enough when they are not. I wouldn't track mine if they were over 16 though as by then I'd trust they were more upfront about their whereabouts.

Leimmens situation is a very sad reality of what can go wrong. I really hope things are getting better for your daughter Leimmen.

Original poster
Namechange65 · 07/06/2015 15:13

Boney - he said he was staying with a male friend in one place but apparently his phone showed him in another location - I think he was staying the night with his GF (his first serious relationship) and didn't want to discuss this which is probably why he lied. I have no concerns about his relationship (beyond the usual contraception issues - but they are both mature enough to sort that out). It is obviously not acceptable to lie, but he is very private and I do feel he is entitled to some privacy - in a few months he could get married, join the army etc. etc.

OP posts:
cashewnutty · 07/06/2015 15:19

My DD's (age 17 and 22) plus DH have this enabled so i can see where they are. I use it to track DH's progress home so i know when to start making dinner. DD1 often has hers off. She is on holiday in Italy right now and has it on because she knows i like seeing where she is. I don't look at it to catch her out, she can go wherever she wants! DD2 is always where she says she will be. I never really look at hers. They can also see where i am. I find it very comforting.

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