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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel joint birthday party

30 replies

OneOutOneIn · 06/06/2015 18:47

One of my closest friends and I were born just a few days apart. Our birthdays are nearing and we have organised a joint celebration with our friends and families. We have about 10 mutual friends who are coming.

We found a bar that would cater for 30 people all inclusive, it's expensive and people will have to travel to the destination. I assumed we'd each have 15 invites and we'd divide our mutual friends between us. So in theory we'd both put 5 mutual friends on our individual lists leaving us each 10 invites for whomever we wanted to invite.

Friend was surprised and assumed that I'd put all 10 mutual friends on my list leaving her to invite for example her neighbours aunt's best friend or whatever. I don't want to be petty but I'd rather tell her that I'm now busy on my birthday and maintain the friendship without telling her that I don't think she's being fair. I asked her to divide our mutual friends but as she has a bigger family than I do she thinks it's only 'normal' that she gets the lions share of invitations.

Would I be unreasonable to cancel the whole thing and say I'm busy?

OP posts:
ginmakesitallok · 06/06/2015 18:49

Cheeky mare! So you pay for your joint friends and she pays for her friends/family? I think not!

AyeAmarok · 06/06/2015 18:50

She's being unreasonable. Is she always this selfish?

Yes, I'd back out.

BolshierAyraStark · 06/06/2015 18:51

Tell her to do one! Cheeky cow, not sure I'd class her as close any more after this...

fuzzywuzzy · 06/06/2015 18:51

I'd back out too.

ItsTricky · 06/06/2015 18:53

Stand your ground and hand her your list of 5 mutuals and 10 others. If she wants more guests she should find a bigger venue and pay a higher percentage. If she carries on being unfair then yes cancel, leave her to have the party to herself.

quietasamouse · 06/06/2015 18:57

Why don't you draw up a table with clear spaces for her ten, your ten and the mutual friends being divided easily in the middle. I know that sounds really ridiculous, but sometimes having it as a visual makes a point much more clearly. Hopefully then she will see she is not being fair.

Theycallmemellowjello · 06/06/2015 19:03

Can't you just change venues? It seems such a shame to fall out over a misunderstanding.

Original poster
OneOutOneIn · 06/06/2015 20:09

I wouldn't have minded changing venues but I now feel like backing out entirely because had she initially said that we should invite more people then I'd have found another venue. My issue is with her refusal to compromise.

I just want to back out as when we'd agreed to the initial bar and paid the deposit I told her that I'd send her my list. On doing so I mentioned the 5 mutual friends on my list so that she didn't duplicate invites. That's when she questioned why I hadn't added all 10 to my list. It sounds as if we're both 16 years old so I just want to draw a line under it and tell her that it turns out my family have planned something so I'll have to cancel our joint party then e-mail our 5 friends to tell them the party is off.

I feel slightly ridiculous actually because I now can't celebrate with any of those 10 mutuals and will most likely have plan something entirely different.

OP posts:
LapsedTwentysomething · 06/06/2015 20:19

It would be daft to cancel now, unless she becomes difficult about it. Just stick to your guns: five mutual friends each.

Fluffcake · 06/06/2015 20:25

Give her the option of sharing mutual friends or cancelling. She needs to realise she is BU.

littlejohnnydory · 06/06/2015 20:29

I think it would be more u (and ridiculously cowardly) to cancel the party abruptly because you don't want to tell her it isn't fair. That would make you unreasonable whereas at the moment it's her being u.

candlesandlight · 06/06/2015 20:32

I would cancel , sounds like she is planning on inviting a lot of people anyway. Then it becomes her party and you look like an 'add on'

quietasamouse · 06/06/2015 21:13

Doesn't cancelling just get you involved in the bad feeling of lost deposits etc?

iwanttogotothechaletschool · 06/06/2015 21:24

I agree with Lapsedtwentysomething , stick to your guns. You may as well because if you back out now it will either cause bad feeling because she feels aggrieved or annoy you that you had to drop out because she was selfish, either way it will affect your friendship. Just be firm about who you want to invite, if she persists in wanting you to invite all the mutual friends then you can say " no that doesn't work for me, do you want to make the party just for you and give me back my half of the deposit."

Theycallmemellowjello · 06/06/2015 21:28

Are you certain that she wants the mutual friends there as much as you do? Perhaps she just thought that you each got an equal number of invites to invite who you wanted? Maybe you should just use your 10 to invite the 10 people you want there most, whether or not she happens to know them too. If she wants anyone who doesn't make your cut there, that's on her.

PickledOnionSoup · 06/06/2015 21:41

I think TheyCallMe has a good point. Yes, they are mutual friends but it doesn't mean that she wants them there as much as you do. You mention that she has a large family and it may cause difficulties if she has to cut out family members in favour of friends just because she has to have 5 people on her list with 'guaranteed' entry. I wouldn't cancel this late if I were you as you will look like the petty one.

ShouldILTB · 06/06/2015 21:42

I don't see that there is any payment involved? Just distribution of invites.

So OP, make sure you get your share of invites.

CrapBag · 06/06/2015 21:55

YANBU. She is being very cheeky. So ultimately you would get 5 invites whilst she he's 15. No not on. If she has more family then she should have said you needed somewhere bigger in the beginning.

I'd tell her though, split the mutual friends 5 each or you will do your own thing. No reason why it can't be put like that.

DancingHat · 06/06/2015 22:12

Apologies if this is pointing out the obvious but can't you gently be honest with her and say you expected to divide the mutual friends between you so in actual fact you both get 10 free choices rather than 15? And if she has a problem with it either you buy her out or she buys you out and whoever then invites all the guests?

timelyreminder · 06/06/2015 22:20

If it's a joint birthday party then the default is that it's shared equally between you, including a fair share of the invitations. So really she ought to ask whether you'd mind, instead of assuming she gets more invitations than you. If she's lucky enough to have many relatives then why should you be penalised for that?

TheAnswerIsYes · 07/06/2015 08:52

Are you sure she wants these mutual friends there? I did a joint party last year for my child and his friend and some of the children the other mother wanted there were known to my son and probably would count as mutual friends but I wouldn't have invited as my son has a lot closer friends.

BlueStarsAtNight · 07/06/2015 09:00

Do you actually have 10 more people that you desperately want there? If she has the bigger family I can see it would be awkward to leave some out, but maybe she needs to pay more than half in that case. You should divide the total cost by 30, and each pay for 5 mutual friends plus however many other invitees are 'yours'.

Cockbollocks · 07/06/2015 09:04

What will you say if she suggests moving the party to another day?

WaferInMyCoffee · 07/06/2015 09:08

Why not just get together to draw up a list of 30? So you both have input but there isn't a divide between your invites and hers? So you list the 10 mutual then say right, we have 20 spaces left, who did you have in mind? Then list yours too and if it is more than 30 you decide between you who gets struck off...

A friend and I decided (mutually) to avoid this exact situation recently, we wanted to do a joint birthday in a curry place which would cater for 30 people and put on music etc. We started talking about it and realised it could get complicated with the invites so decided just to go to a local pub with live music and invite whoever we wanted.

Good luck!

Mustard969 · 07/06/2015 09:14

Can you text her and say that you both have 10 invites left after inviting the mutual friends (list mutual friends). Ask which 10 she will choose? If she texts back and needs more, offer to let it be just her party, not yours. Say you don't mind as she has so many people she needs to squeeze in and you'll do something separate at a later date. It can all be done nicely and with an air of being helpful/kind