to think that it is just plain rude of a 12/13/14 year old to not say hello to a friend of his or her parents?

[Mintyy]

NT teen and someone they have known since reception?

Coming to their parent who you are talking to?

Interrupting to speak to the parent and deliberately avoiding eye contact and failing to say hello?

Rude ...

If a child of mine behaved like this I would be ashamed/embarrassed/furious all at once.

I am quite certain this teen is NT. There has never been any hint of an investigation into any possible SN. This is a child who was friends with mine in primary and has indeed been to my house many times, as I have been to their parents.

Well all the people I can think of who have a similar relationship to my dd and me wouldn't have a clue about dds diagnosises. These are parents of kids who she was at nursery with, primary school with and its a small village school. They've been to my house, ive been to theirs, their kids come over here.

They wouldn't know about investigations. I've never told them. Dd didn't know as I didn't tell her until she was in secondary school!

She's dyslexic, dyspraxic, very shy, struggles in social situations, can't cope with loud noises. I guess the only hint parents might have had was her refusal to go into discos at the village hall. She spent every party in the foyer.

It wouldn't cross her mind certainly at the age of 12yo to say something to an adult unless she had a specific question to ask them/something to tell them/or was asked a question. She doesn't get small talk.

OP YABU.

Teen years are often synonymous with social awkwardness. And frankly, if you were intensely trying to make eye contact that only serves to exacerbate the awkwardness.

Also, in response to your mentioning he is "NT"... Until 2 weeks ago my 14 yo DS was widely believed to be NT & therefore such incidents as the OP describes would result in much tutting & eyerolling from other adults. Transpires he isn't NT. The adults in such situations, however, remain rude & judgemental.

sYou're making an issue out of a 'non-issue'. The teen - because they are just that - a teen - feels awkward in social interaction with adults. They just don't know how to handle it. That is all it is. They don't mean to be rude. And I have no idea why you feel personally affronted by it. They will learn to be at ease when they mature a little.

Chancer - don't speak for all teens. My 14 year old and all of her friends I can think of would acknowledge an adult they know in their presence.

Don't speak for all teens on the basis of your daughter and her friends though. They may be more relaxed, but just because they are it doesn't follow that other children will/should be.

My eldest is only 10 so not yet teenage, but she is fairly shy and reserved with people she doesn't know all that well or see often (fine with familiar people) - I mention that as you said your friendship with the family has dwindled somewhat so guessing you're not all that close any more. Dd doesn't barge into conversations, but I do have to say to her "Say hello to X please," and she does, but I can see she feels shy and rather embarrassed and I actually feel a bit bad for putting her on the spot.

I just wonder why you didn't just say hello to the kid rather than subjecting her to a subconscious etiquette test?

Are you always this judgmental of the child and comparing them unfavourably to your own?

If you are I expect the child is picking up on it and you either make them feel so awkward they physically can't speak to you or they're thinking Mintyy doesn't like me and whatever I do is wrong in her eyes so why should I make any effort?

Possibly shy or awkward? I would have been as a teenager. I hope my children would say hello but I wouldn't correct them in public, just afterwards.

My son has Asperger's. Most people don't realise that because I don't introduce him as "ds who has Asperger's". He comes across as very rude at times, ignoring people who speak to him directly.

"Are you always this judgmental of the child and comparing them unfavourably to your own?"

No.

I was painfully, pathologically shy and unconfident as a teenager. NT yes, but life experiences in the first 14 years were a factor. I could not look anyone outside of my immediate family in the eye. I often did not acknowledge them. I certainly avoided speaking to them.

Everyone, adults and other teenagers alike, thought I was a snobby, stuck up supercilious cow. Many lost no opportunity to tell me. That was of course a deeply helpful attitude to have to encounter on top of already overwhelming feelings of self loathing.

Some adult with whom I didn't feel comfortable enough to acknowledge, passively aggressively bellowing HELLO!!! at me would have been a veritable delight.

Do you know enough about this kid's life, OP, to say with confidence what may be going on below the surface?

Oh dear. Maybe to the teen in question you've moved into invisible old codger territory. Maybe the teen was feeling cripplingly embarrassed and awkward. Who knows. I'd just give them the benefit of the doubt and not think much more about it. I don't think I'd be arsed to get my dander up about it.

Teens are really hard to parent. You could be describing my son who is completely anti social ans sullen at the moment. He is obnoxious and vile at the moment. Social skills seem to go out the window once scene starts.

soem teens are just "shy" they go through a stage of this
you just ignore it

Well, whilst it is unacceptable I also remember the teenage feeling of dying inside if I had to speak to an adult who wasn't a family member or a teacher (and sometimes a teacher too). And i wouldn't lift up my head because i was ashamed of my spots. Sometimes embarrassment overcomes politeness. I now work with teenagers and i think the best thing you can do is doggedly model appropriate politeness.