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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to let these comments grate on me?

52 replies

spillyobeans · 06/06/2015 01:00

Im 38wks pregnant with 1st baby, and really happy and excited and generally looking forward to the new experience. I know people make the usual comments like 'oh you wont know whats hit you' and 'you'll be exhausted' etc and thats cool heard it a few times from different people and not bothered me at all as i know its just what people say!

However tonight we popped round to see pil and mil kept going on and on saying how i will find it so hard and will need to give baby to her to babysit atleast once a week as i will need to get away from baby. (Ok maybe genuine suggestion of help there so doesnt read too bad) but she then said: i know you will be very protective and not want to let anyone look after them, but you will just have to get over that and get away from them.

I know shes trying to be supportive and i will happily take her up on the offer if im struggling etc...but im not worried at all and looking forward to my newborn! And they might not be that much of a handful? I dont want to come across as ungrateful but if i am coping and enjoying my newborn why should i have to hand baby over to have free time to myself when i just want to enjoy being a mum?

Aibu or just hormonal?!

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 06/06/2015 08:39

Excellen advice from Miscellaneous.

I also agree with booboo that MIL is undermining not helping.

Next time she says something critical, challenge it. Keep challenging it even if you feel like a broken record!

Athenaviolet · 06/06/2015 08:48

You really don't know now how you are going to feel in a few weeks time.

Just say "we'll see how it goes Smile".

No point in getting worked up now about a hypothetical scenario.

Roseforarose · 06/06/2015 10:08

Maybe shes trying to get assurance that she will get the chance to babysit. I always think it's that bit harder for paternal grandparents. Shes understandably excited and perhaps worried that she won't get the chance to bond with the baby. I'd just give her a bit of reassurance.

Idontseeanydragons · 06/06/2015 10:17

Yep, be firm but kind with her about what You want.
My MIL was an utter nightmare for a while with our first - thought we were too young and stupid to be parents (24 and I was a nursery nurse Hmm) and even before I had given birth was handing out pearls of wisdom. As was her mother but I'm not going there..
What I did after a few false starts was spend a few minutes gushing about how tidy her house was and how well she ironed and then asked her to he in charge of that for a week or so to help us out. It worked a treat and she did eventually calm down. But you have to practice saying no thanks quite a lot.
As for the babysitting, see how you feel. It might benefit you to have the odd hour away to yourself, it might not. That's something you can't predict.

nameuschangeus · 06/06/2015 10:30

Someone up threads ruined saying 'thanks. We'll see how it goes' and I think that's the most sensible option too. If you do find that she's too demanding when baby arrives and you don't feel able to be forthright with her you could always quote the 'health visitor' who suggests not being away from baby during the important early weeks of bonding. It's a rare person who will argue with a medical professional Wink

I speak as someone whose MIL took my (week old, exclusively bf) pfb out for a 'walk around the block' and returned him 4 hours later purple in the face and screaming with hunger as she'd visited half a dozen local friends on her way around to show him off. Suffice to say I was purple in the face and screaming too.

Do what feels right to you OP. You're in charge. And good luck with your new baby. I wish I could go back to those days. Savour your time with them as it goes in a blink Thanks

nameuschangeus · 06/06/2015 10:30

Oh heck not 'ruined' - mentioned. Blooming fat fingers Blush

imwithspud · 06/06/2015 10:47

I think replying with something along the lines of "we'll see how it goes" is the best way to go about it. I would also challenge her in regards to the nappy comments, if she's anything like my mil she will just be trying and failing to make a joke. Or at least that's what she'll say when challenged on itHmm

GymBum · 06/06/2015 10:48

Quite I have to say I disagree with most of your points. Yes extended family relations and bonds are important and it's wonderful if/when a child has a close bond with their GP.

The point here is the child's mother does not and should not be guilt tripped, manipulated and/or expected to handover her new born to extended family until she feels ready and comfortable. It is actually about the new mum, new dad and baby. Everyone else should back off and respect the new parents. The new parents will decide when their ready to hand their child over.

My 18 month old has an amazing relationship with her GP and I didn't let MIL take her until 3/4 months but even then it was only for a few hours. 18 months on she spends one day/night at GM and GD house. She loves it.

Not handing her over early on had no detrimental impact on the relationship and bond she has with PIL.

hackmum · 06/06/2015 11:01

Are you planning on breastfeeding? If so, you'll find it hard to hand your baby over for more than an hour or two - newborns tend to be at the breast fairly constantly, and if they're with someone else and start crying for a feed, there's nothing that person can do.

She does sound rather unpleasant. She could have just said "I'm looking forward to babysitting when you're ready to hand the baby over for a couple of hours". Telling you beforehand that you're going to be possessive and that you're going to have to get over it is just nasty and is obviously going to get your back up.

imwithspud · 06/06/2015 12:23

This post actually reminds me of when we were going to get DC1 registered. She was about 5 weeks old, and my mum offered to have her whilst we went. Bearing in mind she was fully bf and we didn't know how long we'd be waiting etc we politely said no. Then she said that we'd have to leave her sooner or later, at 5 weeks old! I told her it wasn't happening until we were ready and that was that but of course it's different when it's your own mum rather than MIL.

Chottie · 06/06/2015 12:34

Congratulations on your pregnancy :)

Please don't allow your MiL to undermine you. She may have had children, but lots of childcare advice has changed since she was a young mother. I agree with challenging her now (and I am a MiL!).

itsaruddygame · 06/06/2015 12:45

YANBU. Your mil sounds annoying. I for one would not have let anyone take my ds away from me for the first few months. I just didn't want to be apart from him. Stick to your guns and do what feels right for you.

Original poster
spillyobeans · 06/06/2015 12:46

I want her to spend time with baby etc im not saying i dont - just dont appreciate her making out that i will be an incapable wreck before ive even started! And quite annoyed that shes trying to push my mum out, when realistically my parents will only see us a few times a year and her and fil will see us a couple of times a week.

Its not just me as even fil said to us the other day (in front of mil) i had words with mil as she thinks shes the only gran and needs to realise your mum is too i was like Shock.

She also asked if my mum was going to be at hospital while i gave birth i said no because 1)me and dh decided that its something we want to share together and 2)she wouldnt be able to get here in time anyway and she actually said "good because if she got in there and i didnt that wouldnt be fair snd i would be so annoyed" .

Wtf!

Anyway im rambling! I honestly think she just wants time with baby and is excited - rightly so abd she will gey lots of time with baby as she is so near just dont like the way shes making me feel about it though.

Already told dh that he may need to say something if she gets too much!!

OP posts:
Original poster
spillyobeans · 06/06/2015 18:36

Nameuschangeus - i cant believe your mil did that! I would have really lost the plot with her!

OP posts:
nameuschangeus · 07/06/2015 18:31

I wasn't best pleased Spilly! It has coloured what I think if her in terms of faith in her judgement and my trust in her. And she knows that.

CoffeeAndBiscuitsPlease · 07/06/2015 19:34

MIL convinced me I would NEED evenings, days, weeks, away from my baby, told me all the stories about lack of sleep, pulling hair out...etc and that I should set up a baby sitting routine with her before baby arrived.

Baby is 6m old now and She hasn't babysat once, and everything has been fine. Really enjoying being a mother and get plenty done with my friends and family and baby groups...etc while I've been off work.

She will be having her for 2 nights when she is 11 months (not my choice, OH booked a weekend away for my birthday)

Even if your baby is stressful/fussy/bad sleeper, you will still cope, don't let her think you won't.

Good luck with it all :)

Kelly1814 · 07/06/2015 19:37

Read this thread...you might be begging for help after a week...I know i was.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2395508-To-think-the-newborn-stage-is-a-breeze

CoffeeAndBiscuitsPlease · 07/06/2015 19:41

Everyone is different and every baby is different. Just do what you want and don't let anyone think you should feel one way or another. :)

Clarella · 07/06/2015 19:42

I got separation anxiety if I was away from my son for long in the first few months! She's repeating her experience. And probably can't remember properly. And probably wants some cuddle time pre arranged.

Now, 18 to 24 months - yes, please, as much babysitting as possible! It was the days that were the most frustrating tbh.

meyesmyeyes · 07/06/2015 19:55

Is it only MIL's that try to take over and give unwanted advice?
What about the Mothers, do they never give unwanted advice?

I think this is a case of -

When a MIL offers advice it's seen as INTERFERING
but when a girl's Mother offers advice, it's seen as being HELPFUL

Hmm mil's can't win. Hope to god I'm never one

Lovelydiscusfish · 07/06/2015 20:01

As pps have suggested, I think everyone's experience of being a parent is different - she will be basing her views on her own experience, I expect.

When I was pregnant with dd, dmil was constantly on about how she would look after her while we went on a four night holiday in the first few months of her life - I thought it was a bit strange, until her sister revealed to me that dmil had, herself, done this when dh was a tiny baby, leaving him with his aunty and gps (apparently they ran out of formula, and no shops were open). No problem at all with her doing it, he was perfectly safe (apart from the running out of formula starvation risk thing!), but it's not what I could do. Indeed, dd is three now, and I've still yet to leave her for more than a night at a time (and I know some people won't even do that).

Don't dismiss her offer of help out of hand though. You MIGHT need it, so best to keep your powder dry!

Signlake · 07/06/2015 20:03

I found my first child a breeze compared to how people would randomly describe parenthood to me. I expected to be constantly feeding and wading through a pile of dirty nappies. Plus sleep deprived. It was nonsence

CoffeeAndBiscuitsPlease · 07/06/2015 20:21

If MIL DOES want to help, and doesn't just want to take over baby duties to re experience it all lol, then she would be more than happy preparing meals, running a couple of errands...etc

If all she wants to do is take the baby, then you know that she just wants baby time! lol

My MIL is like this, she asks if my baby needs sitting, so I can "get some time back" or suggests taking her away for the week (the week!? she's 6mo) And If we say nope, we're fine, she buggers off.

The weekend away my partner booked for a "break" for us shocked me, because 1. He buys my birthday gift a few days before. and 2. He doesn't make a brew for me every, unless I ask, nevermind but a whole trip away.

Anyway, turned out MIL pushed him into booking it then booked herself in to baby sit. :/

Some babies are little nightmares, mine is very very clingy and screamy but she sleeps a LOT! So I have plenty of relief, time to cook, clean, socialise, and me and OH will obviously be able to do things out alone with friends while the other is at home with LO

littlejohnnydory · 07/06/2015 20:33

Quite, everything we know about infant attachment goes against what you are saying. We're not talking about older children but young babies - all the evidence shows that a secure bond with a primary caregiver is the most important thing for baby at that point.

Littlegreyauditor · 07/06/2015 20:50

That happened to me CoffeeandBiscuits
Apparently I needed to piss off on a city break when my exclusively BF DS was a couple of months old 'for my own good'. Subtle suggestion and bullying designed purely to separate me from my DS so others could play dollies with him.

I didn't go. It caused World War 3. I am still the most ungrateful witch who has ever lived for refusing a gift with the utmost politeness.