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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that the teacher should have asked me to chat somewhere private

56 replies

CocktailQueen · 04/06/2015 15:54

after school, rather than telling me about ds's bad behaviour in the playground in front of everyone and all the mums at pick-up time, making it obvious she was doing so????

I don't think that was very professional.

AIBU??

OP posts:
CatherineU · 04/06/2015 18:41

You are not being unreasonable, not at all. I think teachers who do this kind of thing do it on purpose and it's disgraceful. My eldest two are very well behaved usually and I've only been "pulled in for a word" once in reception with my eldest Ds, the teacher literally shouted my name across the playground and went on to say your ds has been rather naughty today and he has hit another child smaller than him. Well to say I was mortified was an understatement, the next day I went back and "had a little word" with her and told her if she ever did this to me again then I'd be going to the head to make a complaint, needles to say it never happened again.

Grumpyoldbiddy · 04/06/2015 18:48

YANBU - we had many of those dreaded 'can I just have a word?' heart sink moments in front of all of the other parents. The worst one was though, when we were told that DS had been put of the SEN register in front of all the other parents. No warning, no discussion, no attempt at discretion.

We complained but it went nowhere because the head teacher basically just stuck up for the teacher, I was upset and cried so lost any ability to deal assertively with the situation.

Jennifersrabbit · 04/06/2015 18:52

Owner of THAT child for some time (SN in the mix) so plenty of such conversations.

Run of the mill 'he's been a pain in the arse' conversations = in playground but at a volume and in a setting that makes it clear the conversation is nobody else's business.

Serious bad behaviour, asked to come into classroom and wait until after other kids have left, or phone call home beforehand. This is not an option I generally enjoyed :(

Deliberate attempt to make the telling off audible to others or some form of public humiliation, never.

Seems a fair system to me.

Mehitabel6 · 04/06/2015 18:59

I think it means that the teacher wouldn't have a word- a shame since it is to your advantage to know what is happening. If you have to find a space,and wonder what you do with the children, it isn't worth the effort. It will take at least 10 mins, and prevent them catching the other parents they want to catch, when they could have had a quick word in 2 minutes. I am fascinated by the fact that some of you have playgrounds where you can hear private conversations when it is full of people.

VelvetRose · 04/06/2015 19:06

Well I'm a teacher and I wouldn't do that. I talk to parents quietly and as discreetly as I can manage, inviting them in if necessary.

Shelby2010 · 04/06/2015 19:15

It's not really confidential if he misbehaved a bit as the other kids are free to tell their parents that little Johnny was naughty again, but little Johnny is unlikely to mention this to his own parents.

But if there were real concerns about ongoing problems then a private meeting is more appropriate.

morethanpotatoprints · 04/06/2015 19:15

Surely, it should be common sense depending on the building and the playground.
If the classroom is immediately in the playground and a stones throw away, and the playground is full of people you'd ask the parent inside.
If it is a quick word, then in the playground away from others at a suitable volume.
I saw a teacher talking quietly to a parent once, obviously being discreet and the parent almost shouting her replies such as don't worry mrs x I'll sort the buggers behaviour alright. Shock then she gave the kid a clip round the ear ole Grin
But the parent was given the choice to have a discreet conversation.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 04/06/2015 19:19

YNBU. It is a breech of confidentiality. It is between the teacher and your son.
Not a conversation for other my little darling would never behave like that mothers to hear.

Original poster
CocktailQueen · 04/06/2015 19:20

Thanks, all.

I was embarrassed.

I haven't seen her doing the same to anyone else, yet she said that ds wasn't as involved in the bad behaviour today as some of the other dc - yet she let them go without talking to their parents!

When I turned around after speaking to her there were two other parents right behind me, waiting to speak to her, so they obviously heard. Gah.

I do have some other issues with her, so this hasn't improved my opinion of her, and the other issues have coloured my judgement.

Ah well.

OP posts:
ceebelle83 · 04/06/2015 19:45

What age is your DS, if you don't mind my asking?

mom2twoteens · 04/06/2015 20:35

I think it's very unprofessional. Also it wouldn't take a half an hour for the school to be empty or a walk miles for find an empty room. The children left the class pretty sharpish at my children's school. The teachers probably had them ready to be kicked out 10 mins before the end of the day. :-)
A discussion or even a 'chat' should be private, if there's a next time (LOL) ask if you could pop into a room. I think they do it so you won't answer them back in public, you'll just suck it up, nod, agree and leave without causing a fuss.

Artesia · 04/06/2015 21:06

iliveinalighthouse why are they "my little darling would never behave like that mothers" rather than normal "I just want to do the best for my kids and make sure they are ok, I really don't give a crap what anyone else's kids are up to, and have no interest in listening into your conversation with the teacher" mothers?

ragged · 04/06/2015 21:12

Not realistic in most schools to try to go somewhere private for what is a fairly normal thing (most kids exhibit some bad behaviour at least once at school).

Pigriver · 04/06/2015 21:24

At my school doors open at 3.15pm. Some parents are waiting at the door at 5 past and others don't roll up until half past. TA is usually sorting out after school club kids/those who have lost stuff etc. I would have to ask parent to wait for all children to leave (at least 3.30pm) to speak privately. If you are a parent that has waited since 5 past you would be pretty p*ssed off if it was just x did y today we have had a chat/consequence etc but I thought you should know.
As others have said, all the kids probably witnessed the poor behaviour and could if they wanted to tell their parents so not unlike it is private.
I do always to to be discreet but it is a balancing act. I now have slips saying 'your child has received a yellow/red card for xxxx please support school by discussing this behaviour at home' which gets handed to parent. Some will ask for more info then it is up to them if they ask in front of other or wait for a quieter time.

CatsCantTwerk · 04/06/2015 21:33

I'll be honest op and this will out me to anyone who knows me.

I was collard by ds's teacher 2-3 weeks ago in the school yard, ds came out with a red card and the teacher asked me to read it whilst I was there.

It read ' CatsDS and 3 other pupils were being silly at luchtime today, they wrote on the white board 'Wanky Wanky Balls Balls' 'other silly things' and were singing rude songs.

Yes I was embarrassed, so were the other mothers but not once did I think I should have been took in to a private room to discuss it.

CatsCantTwerk · 04/06/2015 21:34

He is 9 btw and yes he was punished for it.

Dublinlass · 04/06/2015 21:52

In junior and senior infants we would wait outside the classroom in a queue at home time. Teacher would see the parent and call.out kids names. If kids name not called you just knew you were in trouble and had to shamefully wait until all parents.were gone to have the dreaded talk. Each day youd be waiting with bated breath!! Happened me a lot unfortunately. :(

ragged · 04/06/2015 21:57

I'd hate Dublinlass's system a lot more. Then it's much more obvious that you've had to have 'a chat'. The melee & scrum of our set up is far preferable, even if some nosy lark can hear a bit, not everyone with half a braincell knows there's only one reason you've had to stop behind.

Original poster
CocktailQueen · 04/06/2015 22:39

DS is 8.

I don't like dublinlass's system either!

OP posts:
fiveacres · 04/06/2015 22:41

I don't like it, as it is mortifying, but I do understand there's a lot going on at home time. Difficult one really.

BabyMurloc · 04/06/2015 22:52

In our school it seems to be mostly a quick 1-2 min outside. Teacher will usually ask for a word then you will move back a touch from the crowd of kids coming outr of the door. You can never really tell what's being said as kids are loud and the "meeting" is behind the steady flow of kids coming out, parents don't need to go that far forward iykwim?

This same technique is used for bad behaviour, exceptional behaviour, toilet accidents, injuries etc. Basically anything the teacher needs to tell you/wants to tell you that can be imparted in under 2 mins. If it's a serious thing they will ask for a meeting inside which will be done when is convenient for both you are teacher.

I am totally fine with this system. I find it easy, simple and quick. I'd hate to have to go inside for every little thing even if other parents could hear.

BabyMurloc · 04/06/2015 22:55

We can also ask the teachers quick questions in the same way or ask for a meeting if we need to discuss stuff. I think it's a great system. Teachers never seem to be snowed under and we've never had any issues getting a private meeting when we've needed it.

Mehitabel6 · 04/06/2015 23:00

I would complain about Dublinlass's system. Give me a quick word in the playground any day.

ceebelle83 · 05/06/2015 02:51

What other issues have you been having with DS's teacher, OP?

WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat · 05/06/2015 03:08

I happen to think that a quick word in the playground at home time, when it's bustling and quite loud is fine, but I actually posted to say - 'Wanky Wanky Balls Balls'! GrinGrin Brilliant!!