To feel intimidated at baby groups?

[bluejeanswhiteshirt]

I have terrible postnatal anxiety and very little support (none) when it comes to taking care of my 8 month old so I force myself to go to groups to meet other mums but I feel like a young, clueless idiot compared to all the other mums and I leave feeling awful.

I live in a very nice area with some huge houses, flash cars, glamorous looking mums and what not but I live in a 2 bedroom semi, drive a Renault and I'm lucky if I get chance to brush my hair before I leave the house some days. I try making conversation but they mostly look down on me and don't include me which makes me feel like shit but I my dd loves it so I can't stop going

Is it just me who feels like this??

I just wanted to,say how sad your post made me. The woman turning her back on you is uncalled for. I found trying different groups worked when mine were young. Goggle other places and give them a go. Good luck.

Oh I hated them as well, I had twins and felt pretty isolated as I couldn't hold them both for the activities/they were stuck in car seats when tiny etc....the twin group one was actually the worst for the competitiveness/cliqueyness.

I wasn't on maternity leave for long (9 months) and feel (only very slightly) bad that we didn't do more when I was off but your little one needs a happy mum, not a stressed one.

Surestart were definitely the nicest groups and had people to help me out with twins. I found groups with a focus, massage etc were better as there was less milling around chatting and if you did speak to someone you had a topic to discuss/start the conversation.

It's natural to feel lonely and vulnerable at this point. I thought it would break me but now they are two, at nursery and the anxiety is a lot easier.

I found long walks with the pram to be helpful, walk to the shops/library.

Ignore Mrs LA-for-Summer......she'll be the one with a pooey nappy in her fancy handbag for a long haul flight xxxxx

They are often awful, hence second time mums don't usually bother ime (appreciate your experience may differ).

The key is to go to a group that is an activity such as music, yoga or whatever. Less time having to make conversation, more time doing the activity.

I think I must have been really lucky, I've been to lots in different areas (moved twice since having DD) and have never been to a bad one. Everyone has always been friendly. You get the odd idiot, as you do in all walks of life. DC2 is due in a few weeks and we'll definitely be foinf again.

I have an 18month old dd. been attending since she was 3months. I still strangle. But I struggle inside. My dd loves it. Other mums comment on how confident she is. That gives me a point to open a conversation. She loves running around. Their is about six near me. I have tried them at list once. Only feel comfortable with one. I stuck with it.
The one I go to is very cliquey too. You have to learn to ignore certain people if they don't want to talk to you. They exist everywhere.

Some times all I say is hello to the familiar faces and that is it. I don't mind my own company anyway. So if don't talk to me I have my daughter to play with.

You could comment on the children. That could be away of starting up a conversation.

Am in an area where I only know my partner and his three siblings. Rarely in contact too. It's not easy but you have to find a way to talk to other adults.

Debrina I am laughing actually out loud at 'I still strangle' :D

I hate joining in - local libraries often have very chilled baby groups - with singing and stuff....or look out for the increasing number of 'cafes with play spaces' which often have groups running...

Sorry debbriana

If you can try a few others. I found mine a bit tricky at first. I went with a friend who was well established there and had loads of friends but they didn't really welcome me. I didn't take it to heart and didn't speak to anyone much and just sat with dc1. Gradually some more Mums came along and we started saying hello and chatting. I ended up making some good friends. I went for dc's sake really, just to get her used to being around babies and toddlers. Wasn't that fussed for making friends myself but it just so happened I did.

Hope it gets easier for you xxx

Oh god I hated it. I'm not a naturally confident person and never made a single friend at baby groups.
If you're attending groups at a Children's Centre do speak to the staff if you're being excluded, in my area we will talk to the mums if they're being cliquey.
LA woman was bloody rude. At least at baby groups you can pretend to be totally involved with your baby even if everyone else ignores you, I did find that helped a bit.
I got the ignoring and turned back treatment at work yesterday - rude people everywhere!

Perservere, don't let an awful experience get you down, just think what a silly cow she is. Next time someone bangs on about LA or similair, cast your eyes around for someone else looking bit perplexed - you may find a soulmate rolling her eyes at the silly woman too! I hate all small talk type situations, maybe try and help the leaders or something so you're occupied, and be friendly to everyone, you're bound to find someone else more in tune with you.

YANBU

It's not the law that you go. Go if it helps you, gives you company. But your daughter will not be missing out.

The most friendly baby group I found (there was a lot of choice here, luckily, but some of it very unfriendly) was run by the church, and there were people from the congregation whose job it was to mingle - so not all other mums with their own anxieties and agendas.

So try and find another if you can

Another way to meet people is just to chat more casually at the park. Now the weather is getting better that might be a goer

Whereabouts in Yorkshire are you OP? I started a similar thread a while back but I've never been to a group, I am sociable and chatty but don't like group situations which are exclusively women! I think you're amazing for persisting even though you feel like this I would try some different ones and find one more welcoming.. It will exist.

I take my daughter to rhythm time every week to try and get her ready for school nursery in September. I have been 5 times, and ignored 5 times. Personally I couldn't give a crap! I find it quite funny that they don't speak to me because I'm under 30 and not miserable

I wish I could be more confident and not be bothered but because I spend most of my time on my own with DD I feel like I need adult conversation. I live on the outskirts of Harrogate but I'm a Sheffield girl. My accent doesn't go down well with the other mums either

I'm going to keep trying different groups and hope I click with someone eventually.

When I lived in a small village I found that all the others knew each other already, they were either related or had gone to school with one another and it was hard to join the conversations. As others have said, sure starts are good as are unstructured playgroups. I found a bumps and babies group that only had about 10 women in, we were all good friends after a few weeks as our dcs could just roll around in the toys while we had a cuppa and a chat. I did baby sensory and never got beyond saying hello as the sessions are so structured that there wasn't really chance to make friends.

Search for your local baby buying and selling pages on fb and ask about baby groups on there. Chances are the smaller ones won't have their own websites or fb pages so its a good way to find other groups.

I DETESTED these groups but now I run one, how's that for irony?

My best one was a church-based group. At the time I was not an avid church goer but the other mums were so lovely and so welcoming.

I may out myself now but I will risk it as I think this is important. Mine is a church based group and we get comments like this a LOT. It helps that myself and the others who run the group have mostly all had depression/low self esteem etc so we are good at spotting the people we see look paniced and chatting to them outselves/introducing them to others. We try to keep an eye out and we know a few mums who have admitted they struggle with this stuff to us and we tend to introduce them. We've found that helps HUGELY (it's quite a big group)

As a church group our remit is basically to offer support to the community and raise some awareness of our church and what we do (but we DON'T preach at people. The only time we talk church services or God is if someone asks us a question directly. Usually the awareness is stuff like letting people know we run a foodbank, leaving a leaflet out for an event like a carboot sale etc) We don't charge (so no barrier to entry, especially good as there are some poor areas near our location) and we don't run with the intent of making a profit. (church provides a budget for toys/resources and we take donations for refreshments)

We run with the intent of making connections between parents and of supporting parents who need it. This makes a BIG difference in how the group is run. If there are people feeling isolated and unwelcome we are not doing our jobs as leaders.

Go see if there are similar groups nearby. It may make a HUGE difference in getting some support and feeling more welcome.

I look down on people who are snotty. There was a really similar thread to this yesterday where the op was in the sw.

My only advice re the groups is to change your attitude. You are there for dd. Different people show up each week.

That said I went to a baby group that was cliquey although I did meet some nice people there. The day I decided to give up on it was when the clique started slagging off a friend of mine. Although the looks on their faces when I told them I know her were priceless (and the ring leader still runs the other way if she sees me in Sainsburys ). I mean it's a small town LOL !!

As a fellow Sheffielder - they're just jealous of the accent! We went to Harrogate last year and the park there is brilliant. I would get yourselves there now the weather is getting better.

Love Sheffield, ds is at uni there, and everyone is so friendly.....he's absolutely loving it! And the accent rocks! Xx

Op, do as the others say and look around for other groups to join, at 8 months your dd won't care where she goes as long as she is having fun. These people don't deserve your time or your company, and Mrs LA must have serious self esteem issues to be such a baggage to you....rise above it, remember that it's impossible to argue with common people xxx

Baby groups were just awful cliquey places & I detested them, forced myself to go though as DC loved them.
I found my BF group to be the nicest most supportive group.
& yes, the Sheffield accent is indeed fabulous

I so the strangle word after I had posted. Makes it funny though. Lol

I think if your dc loves it then like you say in your op then stick with it. As long as she's enjoying it. As for the mums well if they don't like your accent well it says more about them than you. Me personally I'd have you chatting away to me just as I could listen to it all day, I love an accent!

Reading this thread, I feel like the worst mum ever!

I have 6 dc ranging from 25-16 months.
I've never been to baby groups. I went to a toddler thing with my youngest about 4 months ago but never managed to get back

I literally do not have the time to sit around chatting for 1 or 2 hours!

Dd knows no different but I do feel guilty...

So op at least you make the effort & get there!

I'm a long-time reader of these groups and very rarely post, but I couldn't go past this one. Hello, I am in my thirties and feel like a young, clueless idiot pretty much 24/7 :-) I also had postnatal anxiety, and also postnatal depression, so I understand how hard it can be just to get out the door.

I'm not usually someone who finds it difficult to make small talk- but I felt much the same as you describe at the group I attended. In my case there were no specific incidents like the awful one you had but I felt awkward and useless, and found that the many graphic descriptions of complications in labour discussed by other mothers tended to give me panic attacks at the time. To be fair, I needed to get out and about, and I needed friends, but I wasn't ready for mother and baby playgroups until my baby was nearly a year old.

It is different for everyone, but I found that going along to baby massage classes was more helpful- a more formalised format, focused upon the baby, with the odd bit of chatting if you felt like it in between. I didn't do baby yoga, but maybe that is worth a go too? Also, do you think you might be able to find a group for mums with postnatal anxiety? Otherwise, if you can find one or two mums to meet up with for a coffee, it might be a bit easier than having to deal with a group of strangers.

By the way, cailindana, have you ever considered that at least some of the mothers who you found difficult to communicate with might have been suffering from postnatal depression? It is really hard to be smiley and 'make the effort' with people when you are feeling anxious or depressed. I also really disagree that dealing with horrible people is 'life' and that you just have to get on with it. New mums at these groups, and some not-so-new mums, need reassurance and friendliness. I think if there are people being rude, cliquey and unwelcoming at a group, someone should have the guts to call them on their bad manners.

I am sure it was really difficult to deal with me when I was at my worst but when people were kind and welcoming it made a huge impression on me. bluejeanswhiteshirt, I hope you find a nicer group soon!