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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not understand thanking husband for doing HER housework

28 replies

Nosynora · 04/06/2015 08:01

A Facebook friends status yesterday was gushing about coming home from work and her husband had done all her housework . There were at least 20 replies of what a good bloke etc and not one person mentioned the fact he lives there too so why was it her housework ??

OP posts:

Kampeki · 04/06/2015 08:02

I would find this weird, but I guess they might divvy out "his" chores and "hers"?

TedAndLola · 04/06/2015 08:07

That's really sad. I suppose you could give them the benefit of the doubt and say they have divided up tasks so some are her responsibility and some are his, but I think we'd be naive to pretend that in some households, housework is the woman's responsibility regardless of how hard she works out of the house.

In our house, we thank whoever has made dinner and we might say something like "thank you for cleaning, the house looks so nice and tidy" but that's just good manners, and he's as likely to say it as I am.

SinglePringle · 04/06/2015 08:07

Drives me mad! A friend says 'oh, he's run the Hoover round for me' and it's all I can do to stop myself from replying 'wow, from where can I buy his magic non-dirt transferring shoes?!'

nameChangeQueen · 04/06/2015 08:07

Sexism and bragging in one fell swoop.
Facebook annoys me so much.

Mrsjayy · 04/06/2015 08:09

She was just being gushy on facebook about how wonderful he is she wanted to boast to her friends ive loads of husband gushers on my facebook,makes me feel queasy of course he should be just doing the homework.

penisland · 04/06/2015 08:19

But maybe it is her job? In our house we have our own jobs. Cooking and lawn mowing are two of mine for example so if I got home and found dinner cooked or a freshly mown lawn then I'd be genuinely grateful to DW.

Cadenza1818 · 04/06/2015 08:32

If she was a sahp it would've made sense. I'm a sahp and totally expect that house work is basically 'my job'. If I went back to work though I'd expect a 50/50 share. She's not helping herself!

morelikeguidelines · 04/06/2015 08:34

Putting stuff like that on fb is so cringy and awful that yanbu whatever their arrangement.

Yanbu also because, unless he had a specific list of other chores that equal it out leaving the housework as her task, then it is not hers at all.

On the other hand, it is good if both partners appreciate the work the other does and maybe not thank them as such but show appreciation verbally (or with a gesture like making them tea or similar). Some like "that's brilliant, the house looks fab for us all now" might be better, although I'm sure some would find fault with that example!

bethatasitmay · 04/06/2015 08:36

We have split chores in my house too - if DH cooked dinner I'd be so amazed and I'm sure he would be as well if I took the bins out.

morelikeguidelines · 04/06/2015 08:38

If I do one of dh's specific jobs like taking bins out/ sorting recycling I would expect / appreciate some sort of nice comment (not on fb though!)

And I'd fall off my chair if he ever dealt with the school.

My dh did spend all of Sunday cleaning because he cares more than I do about it, and we can't both do it with ds about. I was aware of walking a fine line between being appreciative spouse without implying it was my job!

Mrsjayy · 04/06/2015 08:41

Oh jeez read it as homework i thought she was thanking him for doing a kids homework for her. Still a bit meh for public grattitude though

Aermingers · 04/06/2015 08:45

My husband does much more of the housework than I do anyway because I'm studying outside work. But there are jobs that are 'mine' I do the ironing and hoovering. Sometimes though if I have an essay due he will do the ironing and hoovering too without having to be asked. Which is a really nice gesture, I always thank him but probably not on Facebook. I think this is reading far too much into it. There's no reason to assume from that post that she does all of the housework.

arethereanyleftatall · 04/06/2015 08:57

Well, is it her job? You haven't stipulated whether it is or not.

ollieplimsoles · 04/06/2015 09:02

If I read that on facebook, I would think that the woman had some house work to do that day and when she came home he had done it for her.

In our house if something needs doing, you do it. But sometimes I will say to my husband 'I'll do those dishes when I get in'. But when I come home I find he has arrived a little earlier than me and he has done them. I thank him because I did say I would do them but I don't have to, its nice.

LittleBearPad · 04/06/2015 09:03

She's just 'showing off' on Facebook about her wonderful 'hubby'.

I agree with you but I wouldn't worry too much.

DoraGora · 04/06/2015 09:31

And this is your problem, why, exactly?

Hygellig · 04/06/2015 10:17

Maybe they have specific jobs that they each do. For example, DH always mows the lawn as the mower is very heavy. I nearly always do the vacuuming. Other than that, I think it's joint housework.

One of my friends recently posted a Facebook status thanking her husband for cooking dinner AND washing up when she was ill. I don't think I'd thank my DH, certainly not publicly, if he did that - I would just take it as given! Similarly she also posted about how she was always late going to bed (she is a SAHM to three children, two of whom are at school) and still had a pile of dishes to do. I refrained myself from asking if her DH ever did the dishes.

CatMilkMan · 04/06/2015 10:24

What if he has his housework and she has hers?

CatOfTheForest · 04/06/2015 10:34

After much training in the fact that all housework is OURS and we SHARE our domestic responsibilities, DP now says thanks to me for cooking his tea and looking after the DC when he's away etc.

It's nice and I thank him too, for clearing the kitchen, making the DC packed lunch in advance when he's away early the next day etc., but only because it's mutual IYSWIM.

We do have "our" jobs (eg he does dishes, I do laundry) so it's possible he might do "my" housework - although I bet many of these FB posts are basically just as sexist as they look.

Capricorn76 · 04/06/2015 10:34

I have a friend who writes FB status's like this maybe once a year. I know for a fact that her DH does nothing around the house eventhough she works far more hours than him. He won't cook, iron, clean etc. He sees it as her job.

Once in a blue moon he'll clean and then she'll gush about it on FB about how he's the perfect DH. It actually makes me angry that her expectations are so low.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 04/06/2015 11:00

You know when your child does something that you've been trying to get them to do for ages - dress themselves, use a knife and fork etc.

I'd just assume all the gushing praise was similar to that of praising a toddler in order that they might repeat the exercise at some point.....

To your original point. I agree . Doubt I'd have your restraint though. My sister does this sort of thing and it takes every ounce of self control not to start a row

ItsRainingInBaltimore · 04/06/2015 11:02

Hard to judge without knowing more. Perhaps they split the work 50:50 and he had done her 50 as a favour because she was super busy at work or something?

cashewnutty · 04/06/2015 11:02

It goes both ways i guess. My DH and i (both in our 50's) have a very traditional approach to home life. He works long hours and i work part time. I usually do all the housework/food/children stuff and he takes care of the garden/cars/bills. If i am ill or whatever i always thank him for doing chores that are normally mine. He would fall down in amazement if i ever cut the grass or washed the car.

Neither roof us takes the other for granted. He is only able to do his job and earn what he does because of the stuff i do and i am happy to work for a small amount of money to support him. We are a team and we have our roles. It doesn't hurt to say thanks if one or the other does something they wouldn't normally do.

We have managed to stay married for 30 years and have a very equal relationship so we must be doing something right.

Miggsie · 04/06/2015 11:06

Because the societal norm is women are responsible for housework - so men doing housework is worthy of praise, women doing housework is taken for granted.

At least now, if you visit her house and it's untidy you can turn to the man and criticise.....

Original poster

Nosynora · 04/06/2015 16:19

They are in their fifties ,as am I , I was more surprised that not one of the 20 or so people of all ages that commented on the post picked up on the "for me "

OP posts:

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