Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for my surprise party to be cancelled?

45 replies

freshstart24 · 03/06/2015 07:14

Apologies, I did start a thread on this earlier- I pressed start before I had finished posting.

I will be 40 in October. I absolutely cannot cope with being the centre of attention. Having a surprise party would be an utter nightmare for me and I have told my nearest and dearest this. I have said I will organise a casual meal at home or in a restaurant nearer the time.

I have a tricky relationship with my mum. She means well but is rather childish and controlling. I hate upsetting her as the consequences can make life difficult. She does a lot to help me and my DC.

DP told me yesterday that mum called him to say she is organising me a surprise garden party at her house for my 40th. He told her it was a dodgy idea, and that I had said I would organise a meal myself (mum is already aware of this). Apparently she said that this would be nice for me, and swore DP to secrecy. He is now angry with himself for not standing up to her.

DP has told me. I think he thought I would 'suck it up', but for once I want to do things my own way. I don't want a party that I'm going to dread and have sleepless nights over. I will not enjoy this at all. I hoped to do this on my own terms, and I'm disappointed that she has done this.

Doing both ideas isn't an option as several dear friends have small children and asking them to more than one celebration is asking too much.

Mum has already texted a few people to invite them. One has told me already as they were gobsmacked to receive it, knowing my feelings.

I'm really upset, but the thought of upsetting my mum horrifies me- she will be hurt and angry. Part of me thinks I should go along with it for a quiet life- but part of me wants to put my foot down.

AIBU?

OP posts:
NoArmaniNoPunani · 03/06/2015 07:18

YANBU. Just carry on with your plans.

temperamentalamongcorvids · 03/06/2015 07:19

I'd hate this too. Do put your foot down. Let your mum know that a friend has told you because s/he realised that you wouldn't enjoy it. You don't have to say who it was.I'm a believer in picking your battles, and this is one worth fighting.

DirectorOfBetter · 03/06/2015 07:20

I think you just need to be honest with her. It's not a surprise any more as several people have told you about it. At 40 you'll be a proper grown up Smile and should do what you want for your own birthday. All your reasons for not wanting the party she has planned are entirely valid. Maybe it's time to stand up for yourself.

DamnBamboo · 03/06/2015 07:20

Just carry on with your plans.
I would make sure you tell people that you are aware that your mum is planning a surprise party and that whilst they shouldnt' directly tell her this, when she contacts them, that they need to make it clear to her that they have other plans, by way of a dinner you have organised for yourself.

CactusAnnie · 03/06/2015 07:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NRomanoff · 03/06/2015 07:23

Yanbu, I would be really upset. I can't think of anything worse than a surprise birthday party.

If you don't want to tell her that dh told you, wait a week or so and reiterate your plans. That you are organising a meal in your house or restaurant. Also mention you hate parties. Go from there.

Personally I would just tell her, but I don't think you want to do that. Its not great that you are so stressed by this, but can't say anything because she helps with the kids. My parents help with the kids, but they don't hold it over me or the kids.

ceebelle83 · 03/06/2015 07:25

YANBU, end of.

RackofPeas · 03/06/2015 07:26

Sounds like the surprise party is more for your mums benefit than yours.
I think DamnBamboo has the right idea.

IDontDoIroning · 03/06/2015 07:27

Can you tell your friends to tell your dm that that are declining as they know it's something you would not enjoy and that they know that you have your own plans. If no one attends her party it's not going to be much of a party is it and hopefully once a significant number decline she will cancel it.

Original poster
freshstart24 · 03/06/2015 07:30

Thank you for all of your support.

I'm so used to giving in to my mum that I think I needed reassurance that I wasn't being ungrateful and antisocial.

I will have to call her any tell her as soon as possible before she does any more planning.

I am dreading doing it. She will hit the roof, claim that I hate her, don't want to spend time at her lovely home etc etc.. It's so hard to hear.....

OP posts:
FishWithABicycle · 03/06/2015 07:31

Exactly what IDontDoIroning said. Get everyone who actually cares about you to politely decline saying that they know you would hate it. Don't be there yourself. Don't let it happen.

AlternativeTentacles · 03/06/2015 07:33

I'd get in with all my friends do what Idontdoironing says. No need for you to call her at all.

DirectorOfBetter · 03/06/2015 07:34

Wow OP she sounds like a handful. It's all about her then?
How do you usually handle her tantrums?

1Morewineplease · 03/06/2015 07:38

I totally agree with all posts so far... It's YOUR 40th so it's YOUR decision. Lots of people loathe surprise parties , usually for the same reason as your's.. They hate being the centre of attention. That's why I told my husband that I really didn't want one for my 40th and 50th. However there are also a lot of people, like your mum, who are very well-meaning and truly believe that going to such an effort is REALLY what you would like deep down (!) . I also believe that ( and I'm not saying that this applies to your mum but I have seen this over the years) there are those who revel in organising these things as it directly reflects the attention back on them in a kind reflected glory.
I can only suggest that and DP put up a combined front and tell her directly that , as you already know about this surprise party, that you just don't want it as you have already made plans but thank her profusely for the very kind gesture and that you really couldn't face such a large turnout and that it would make you not enjoy the day.
Good luck and many happy returns!!!

Horsemad · 03/06/2015 07:41

Tell her soon and then she can stop planning it Smile

carabos · 03/06/2015 07:42

Use your 40th as the moment to redefine your relationship with your mother. It's a surprise party, so surprise her - don't go.

Musicaltheatremum · 03/06/2015 07:45

Make it a real surprise party. Don't show up then it will be a surprise for everyone. I would love a surprise party but that's my nature. Horrible if you don't like it.

ginslinger · 03/06/2015 07:45

I would make arrangements to do something else, tell her that's what you're doing and do it.

hackmum · 03/06/2015 07:46

YANBU. Why would she do this knowing you don't want it?

I once came across this phrase: a surprise is an act of aggression.

So true, I think. I'd bet a sizeable amount that most people don't like surprise parties. Much nicer to organise your own event, with the people you like, doing an activity you want to do.

I think you have to tell her, though, before it gets out of hand.

PacificDogwood · 03/06/2015 07:46

YANBU.

Your birthday is in October.
Get some assertiveness training under your belt in order to be able to manage your mum's behaviour going forward.
Cancel the party and then inform your mother that is what you have done.

Then stand back and wait until she has tired herself out.

It may be wise to consider options to be less dependent on her help.

olgaga · 03/06/2015 07:50

I think you should speak to her directly rather than through your friends.

You have to tell her you're aware she's making plans and she has to stop. Reiterate that you will make your own plans, as you have already made plain.

Tell her that people who know you want to do your own thing are concerned by her behaviour.

HellKitty · 03/06/2015 07:51

Get this sorted now or it'll build and build in your head. This isn't a surprise party for you, it sounds like a surprise party for her benefit.

You are DNBU!

Original poster
freshstart24 · 03/06/2015 07:51

Thank you again. Profuse thanks is a very good plan, might cause less offence!

I don't think she is planning on inviting any more people than I would ask over when (if), I get round to organising this myself. I'm thinking about 20 friends and family. But mums effort will be more polished and lovely- but I'd rather have it at my house (or local restaurant or pub).

I struggle to handle her tantrums. I used to take a lot of grief, and make endless apologising phonecalls. More recently I've tried harder to remember it's generally her not me, tell her I'm sorry and that I do care and then keep my distance. She has been known to then take to her bed and refuse all contact and make her DP's life hell for a few weeks.

I will not turn into my mum Wink!!

OP posts:
DeladionInch · 03/06/2015 07:56

If you know exactly who she'll invite, wait till she sets a date then invite everyone out for that precise day and time. Let them know verbally that you're aware of your mum's plans and won't be going to that one, so if they want to see you they can come to x pub. If she then moves hers, invent a pub crisis so yours has the change too.

GloriousGoosebumps · 03/06/2015 07:56

If you really don't want to tackle your mother head on, why don't you tell her that you're planing to book / or have booked a long weekend away as your birthday present to yourself i.e. give her the idea that you won't be around on your birthday weekend. That should stop any plans of a surprise party. You can always "change your idea of a weekend away" just before your birthday!

Swipe left for the next trending thread