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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for my surprise party to be cancelled?

45 replies

freshstart24 · 03/06/2015 07:14

Apologies, I did start a thread on this earlier- I pressed start before I had finished posting.

I will be 40 in October. I absolutely cannot cope with being the centre of attention. Having a surprise party would be an utter nightmare for me and I have told my nearest and dearest this. I have said I will organise a casual meal at home or in a restaurant nearer the time.

I have a tricky relationship with my mum. She means well but is rather childish and controlling. I hate upsetting her as the consequences can make life difficult. She does a lot to help me and my DC.

DP told me yesterday that mum called him to say she is organising me a surprise garden party at her house for my 40th. He told her it was a dodgy idea, and that I had said I would organise a meal myself (mum is already aware of this). Apparently she said that this would be nice for me, and swore DP to secrecy. He is now angry with himself for not standing up to her.

DP has told me. I think he thought I would 'suck it up', but for once I want to do things my own way. I don't want a party that I'm going to dread and have sleepless nights over. I will not enjoy this at all. I hoped to do this on my own terms, and I'm disappointed that she has done this.

Doing both ideas isn't an option as several dear friends have small children and asking them to more than one celebration is asking too much.

Mum has already texted a few people to invite them. One has told me already as they were gobsmacked to receive it, knowing my feelings.

I'm really upset, but the thought of upsetting my mum horrifies me- she will be hurt and angry. Part of me thinks I should go along with it for a quiet life- but part of me wants to put my foot down.

AIBU?

OP posts:

namechange0dq8 · 03/06/2015 08:02

Surprise parties are about the surpriser, and are aggressive and obnoxious. But what I don't understand is how someone can throw a surprise party you know about at a venue you've no particular reason to be visiting. Wouldn't you just go somewhere else?

I think the idea of co-opting the potential guests to your event is putting them in an awkward position and asking them to fight your battles. Just tell your mother clearly "I am organising by birthday party and, if for some reason I don't, there won't be one. Please stop".

If that makes her take it out on her partner, that's his problem, not yours. Bullies exist because people won't stand up to them.

GloriousGoosebumps · 03/06/2015 08:13

This is the second thread about "loved ones" giving presents that they know the recipient will hate. For these types the present seems to be more about their wishes than giving the recipient pleasure. I bet your DM would describe herself as a thoughtful present giver!

WayneRooneysHair · 03/06/2015 08:16

OP I'm exactly the same as you but please don't do what other posters are suggesting which is carrying on planning what you want without speaking to your mum as that will cause more issues than if you spoke to her and told her that you don't want a suprise party.

You need to tell her that you don't want a suprise party and that you are planning your own meal or something, also don't get your friends to fight your battles.

popalot · 03/06/2015 08:19

Someone said to me 'what's the worst that can happen if you say 'no''. I replied with the usual 'she'll go ballistic'. And they said 'so? She might go mad. Just ask her to leave. If she stops talking to you, just wait until she starts again. Isn't that better than putting up with the controlling and the shouting?' Haven't tried it yet to be honest, but when I feel I need to I will. Could be this is your time to put your foot down and brace yourself.

namechange0dq8 · 03/06/2015 08:28

I replied with the usual 'she'll go ballistic'. And they said 'so? She might go mad. Just ask her to leave.

Adults who shout at other adults are vile: you wouldn't accept it from your partner, so why do people accept it from parents? Shouting, ranting about parties and presents and how often they see their grandhchildren? Completely Unacceptable. They get one chance to apologise, then they can fuck off and not come back until they learn how to behave in a civilised way. How can our children learn positive models of relationships when we allow others to treat us badly?

That's what makes the "cut out of their lives" threads on Gransnet so fascinating. The grans in question are obviously deranged and the people who have cut contact with them clearly very sensible. It's the complete lack of self-awareness that is somewhere between pathetic and amusing, and the claque who gather on gransnet to woe-is-me each other obviously have no idea how ridiculous, and unpleasant, they are.

FretYeNotAllIsShiny · 03/06/2015 08:28

My eldest was going to surprise me with a birthday party a couple of years ago, she'd already invited my exhusband (who I get on with) and my very new boyfriend (who I hadnt mentioned to the ex). I;m not generally one for parties anyway and prone to anxiety so this was a nightmare. Once I got wind of it, I had to sit my daughter down and explain why I really didn't want a party and was planning to spend it in the pub with a few close friends.

One year I ended up with two parties, because my younger kids wanted in on my celebrations and my pregnant daughter and sister were not keen on the pub idea. So I had a celebration tea-party and then a night out. Could you mollify your mum by suggesting she organise an afternoon tea-party for close family only?

This year I have the opposite problem. Its also my 40th in October and for once I was planning a party, but my eldest is expecting a baby in October and I'm one of her birth partners. There's a very real chance I'll be spending it at the maternity unit and I don't want to organise an expensive party that I might not be attending!

Flingmoo · 03/06/2015 08:34

I came to suggest the same as someone above: book a holiday, or at least say you've booked one. Have a lovely romantic getaway with DH! Go to New York or Prague or Bruges or anywhere really!

Ludways · 03/06/2015 08:37

YANBU, tell her and everyone she invites that you won't be there. I would make it clear to her ahead of time.

Icimoi · 03/06/2015 08:41

I don't think there's much point in either telling her you'll be away for the weekend or arranging your party to clash with hers: she'll simply change it to the following weekend. I'm afraid you just have to tell her you know, you appreciate the thought behind it but you hate surprise parties and will not be coming. And when she whinges on about how you hate her, simply repeat that no, you hate surprise parties and leave it there.

SomewhereIBelong · 03/06/2015 08:41

"I do not like parties, I will not be coming"

"I have other plans"

Whichwaytoturntoday · 03/06/2015 09:16

Don't let on that you know and say you have booked to go on holiday for your birthday? In your position, I think I would actually go away and enjoy myself. Takes the pressure off and makes it impossible for any unwanted surprises.

BiddyPop · 03/06/2015 09:54

YADNBU!!

You have told everyone what you want to do on YOUR milestone birthday.

You have told everyone what you want them NOT to do, as you will be arranging something.

You should now just go ahead with your plans, pretend you actually DO know nothing, and send out your own invites as you would have done.

IF your "D"M kicks off at this, you can imply your DH did keep the secret, but also remind her that you are an adult (at 40, most definitely now an adult) with your own opinions and feelings, and had decided on a course of action some time back, that you told everyone about. She has decided that you are still a child that she can control, but that is no longer the case. This is your event, for your milestone, so you should be able to celebrate it as YOU want to.

Orange6358 · 03/06/2015 09:58

Why don't you organise your party yourself and tell everyone/mum that you are having only one celebration and holding it at the pub.

post · 03/06/2015 10:01

This could be a wonderful opportunity to go into the next 40 years doing what you want to do, saying what you think and taking charge of your life in ways that it sounds like you've found hard hard up till now.

Your mum might be angry (and being angry has worked well for her in the past in getting people to back down!), but maybe you can believe that standing your ground on this is not just a gift to yourself, it's a gift and an opportunity for her too, if she takes it. And if she doesn't, that's ok.

Your friends and your dh know you and love you and respect you, and don't think YABU. She's just got her own stuff going on. Stop playing her game.

Mrsjayy · 03/06/2015 10:21

God she sounds so dramatic takes to her bed you poor bugger she must be exhausting just make definate plans for your birthday and tell her what you are doing tell her soon she might be out her huff by october

donemekmelarf · 03/06/2015 10:26

My husband also hates any fuss.
The way around it is to make sure we go away - to celebrate either milestone birthdays, anniversaries or any other major event.
It shuts everybody up.
They can't organize anything if you are not there!

OP you have until October.
Plenty of time to organize a romantic weekend away to celebrate your 40th!

Anewmeanewname · 03/06/2015 10:28

A garden party in October? Brrrr....

Theycallmemellowjello · 03/06/2015 10:36

Sorry, I think yabu. Have you found out how many people are coming to the party? It might not be any more than you'd have invited to the gathering yourself. I'm also an extremely shy person who hates being the centre of attention, but in this situation I think your mum has gone very much out of her way to organise something nice for you, and the only kind thing to do is to accept with grace. I think it would be very mean to refuse it or go away and ruin it.

BiddyPop · 03/06/2015 10:53

MellowJello - it's about the DM taking control and ignoring the wishes of an adult. Who has clearly stated their own particular wishes. Why is an adult not allowed to make arrangements, that they have clearly laid out in advance, to suit themselves for their event?

If the OP had not clearly stated her wishes, and her intentions of making arrangements for an event, in advance - then I would have a different response.

But in this instance, the OP HAD laid out what she wanted and her DM had ignored that, treating her as a child who can be controlled rather than an adult who is entitled to make up her own mind.

MrsTedCrilly · 03/06/2015 10:57

Ugh why are some parents like this? She sounds like a nightmare! Your life, your birthday, your rules.. Not everyone is a socialite waiting for the next boozefest!

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