To ask is your toddler your 100% focus?

[1wokeuplikethis]

The days where you're not working and you're alone with just your toddler, how much of the day do you spend together interacting with each other?

I have a 2yo and on my days with her I feel like if we aren't constantly playing/talking/singing it's not 'right'. For instance, if we're in the car I feel like I should talk to her. Constantly. If I don't talk to her I feel bad. If I'm in the shower and she is playing with her toys on the bathroom floor, if I've not said anything for a while I chastise myself and start singing some bloody nursery rhyme again. Even if she's not interested.

She wants me to play with her, so I do. Sometimes I'm busy doing something else like cooking/washing and she can play happily by herself. But she owns the telly and the iPads. So...if I wanted to sit down with a cup of tea and watch something, she will demand peppa and/or cry/climb all over me constantly to get my attention and it's easier just to give in and let her do what she wants.

Perversely, if I do manage to snatch 20mins of peace I beat myself up for being a crap distant mum (God, I am annoying. Seriously bloody annoying, I know).

Other mums seem so chilled and I stil seem so frazzled like the early baby days.

Just wondering what others do to try as get some perspective on if I'm being a twat really; a twatty trying to be Mary poppins div.

In fold laundry while mine's in the bath - it means I can put it all away on the right floor when it's done and I'm in the room supervising whilst not actually needing to get involved. He's quite happy chuntering away to himself in there, I can ensure there's not TOO much splashing and the washing's all folded by the time he's clean!

I am never completely off unfortunately as have a freelance job I work from home at and started a new business so DS has to amuse himself sometimes and I've encouraged that since he was tiny. He's 2.5 now and can play by himself arranging his cars and tractors for quite a long time. I can tell by his chitter chatter to himself that he's involved in quite a complicated game. Then I'll help him build a big train set or read to him or we will cook or something, but if he starts climbing the walls or demanding TV when it isn't that time, we go and look for worms or spiders in the churchyard or go scooting. Just get out the house.
I have a bath with DS often and it's brilliant. He loves it and we have water fights and do row the boat and actually it's one of the times I feel I am interacting with him best.
I know I could do more, and sometimes I feel guilty about it especially as a single mum, but equally he's obviously happy and we always chat during mealtimes and read lots of stories etc. It's about a balance surely. They have to be able to amuse themselves. It's not realistic or desirable to expect constant stimulation.

It does improve as they get older.

DS (10) is currently playing Minecraft after tidying his room on his own and DD (6) is painting at the kitchen table.

The kettle is on and I am feeling very relaxed.

It's not all about spoiling either. Sometimes it's good to be left alone to get on with something! It's nice! (Well, I think so). I don't mind bath time but then with twins, they entertain each other so I have a (rare) advantage there! But you don't have to love everything. Sometimes I use their bathtime to give myself a mini facial. Rub in lots of nice cleanser and massage it in well then take off and put on a few lotions and potions. Lovely. I also use the time to pluck my facial hair!

You're meant to interact with you kid at bath time? I just wash mine and leave her to it, go back to take her out when she's had enough/water gone cold.

I think it might help you OP to start seeing your DD as a small big-kid rather than a big baby IYSWIM. She's just on the cusp of transitioning from the latter to the former. Any day now she is going to want to direct much more determinedly, and will interact with you very differently. A lot more give and take, not just give. She will want and need a lot more time and space to think, not do.

Time to start loosening the strings a bit. In any event, once the next baby's here you will have no choice.

No, because I think I'd be found rocking in the corner after a few days of that. I'm really introverted, to the extent that I find my own children too much sometimes. I have a 2yo and a 4yo and they play together with no input from me. I just stick my head round the door and intervene when I hear them starting to squabble/kill each other. If you make sure there are times each day when they have your full attention then I think it's fine to practice benign neglect the rest of the time!! I potter about doing jobs while they play together, they often go upstairs and play in their rooms if they can see I'm doing jobs. I just clear up the mess afterwards

*When mine were toddlers/pre school we had lots of interaction but we also had mummy time when they played in their bedroom/playroom while I had a cuppa etcetera.

I also carried on doing jobs like cleaning and ironing while they played.

Children do need to amuse themselves sometimes or they don't learn imaginative play. It can't be all about you instigating play or joining in.

Also I refused to get distracted during driving and hell would freeze over before I played bloody nursery rhyme tapes. Mine listened to radio 4/5 and seemed to like it.

It's a balance of giving them attention but not allowing them to dominate do personally I would back off a little and let her understand that mummy needs mummy time too.*

I agree and this is what I've always done as well. My kids are independant but know they can always come to me.

I just played my music in the car. We had to do an emergency CD change though when embarrasingly small DD piped up f&%k from the back of the car because she had just heard it on the CD....

Ds1 (4) and DS2 (2) are currently charging around playing together. They're quite good at entertaining themselves, both together and individually, and I feel it's a vital skill.

One of the battles for the school I work in is the low resilience and independence of so many of our students, and it really holds back learning.

I feel most focused on my children when we're out and there's lots of stimuli for quality interaction. I've never had children's CDs for the car. Today, Ds1 was interested in the discussion about farming on the radio, and he's beginning to identify mainstream music that he likes/ dislikes.

When Ds1 was around Ds2's age, I was heavily pregnant and struggling with SPD. Leaving him in front of C Beebies while I had a nap was essential survival for me, both then and the newborn days.

I have always ignored mine as much as possible, and I think its done them good. I love them but think I would go mad trying to do what you do (you sound like a lovely mum). We do some stuff together, DS1 likes to help cook, as he's got older we do a bit of writing. But I probably spend no more than a couple of hours a day giving him my complete attention.
Maybe considering arrival of small baby you can try leaving her to her own devices a little bit more, one step at a time, and it might benefit both of you.

At this very moment I'm lying on the couch mumsnetting while ds plays on the floor with his transformers

He's perfectly happy I usually take his lead , if he asks me to play I play , if he goes away doing his own thing I get my housework/laundry/studying etc done . Right now though I'm milking my recent BFP dh is cooking dinner and I'm lying making the most of it !

I used to be like you but I've realised it isn't healthy for both of us. There are periods where I give undivided attention (and goodness she can demand it!) but other times, like now, I am on MN on my phone (I've put a pillow over it so it's hidden) and she is playing with tipping milk and water from beakers into a bowl

One of my Nct mums interacted constantly with her first born. Every breath and whim, every squeak and glance. She was a spectacular pain in the arse to be with, and her child was ratty and fractious, quite possibly because she just wanted a bit of peace from her mother's incessant nattering.

Benign neglect on my part. It would have been driven me nuts to constantly interact. Do what feels right for you but watch you don't create a rod for your own back.

Self directed play is a big, big thing educationally. There are studies and everything. So really by leaving her alone for short bursts you are teaching a valuable skill. She'll let you know when she needs you.

I love bath time because I sit down with a glass of wine and iPad and "supervise".

Hate bedtime so didn't do it at all for ages.

Most of the interaction my toddler gets is me taking him down from the table/bookcase/window sill/whatever else he has climbed up.

I was like this with PFB - I was working as a nursery nurse at the time and for a very short while I did play plans
Think about it this way - controlled boredom is a good thing. You're teaching them independence and imaginative skills.

Whlist she's awake, yeah constant attention, apart from when she isn't interested, or is sat having a snack/lunch perhaps with Peppa on or similar.

Where is the mention of her nap in your OP? You don't want to be doing without that respite - that's when you can get some time to yourself. Not to mention that it's good for her :)

I didn't notice the bit about nursery rhymes in the car! Nooooo, no no no. Not necessary! They have a CD player upstairs with some nursery rhyme CDs they can put on themselves. Any music devices throughout the rest of the house are for general house music (ie my stuff ) They both know as many lyrics to Enter Sandman as they do Humpty Dumpty and I've seen no ill effects thus far. I think it's really important for children to learn that the world doesn't revolve around them. They are loved, happy, played with, listened to etc but they are not my entirety and they understand that.

I am totally led by my 21mo old. If he wants attention then there's nothing I can do to persuade him to play alone. But if he's absorbed in playing along I do not ever interrupt :)
If he gets really antsy we have to go out. He's not great at staying in tbh particularly not in the mornings.

No because I wouldn't get anything else done, although I don't get a lot done really. I do have cbeebies time and a cuppa for me, generally late afternoon. I have two DC now though so my toddler can't have 100% of my time, it's not possible. I think it's important they learn to amuse themselves though, they can't rely on you for entertainment all the time.

Idontsee I used to bake my own beans so PFB wasn't sullied by sugar. We live and learn though for your play plans

God no! Dd stopped napping at 1yo too, much to my despair, so I'd never get peace if I played with her constantly.

No chance. I take him out for a walk/play/lunch every day and he's the main focus, but at home, no.
Another one who has never had kids crap on in the car, my SIL once drove to the south of France listening to the wheels on the bus and other such tripe. She looked a bit stressed on arrival!
At home, ds amuses himself mainly when not at preschool.
He plays for ages with his toys but brings me books etc which I'll read him if he wants.
I couldn't be so driven by him, it would end up enraging me - this is WHY he goes to preschool!

God, I work f/t and I don't even interact all the time with my 3yo when I'm with her at the weekends

I have perfected sitting in the same room as her and occasionally drinking the pretend tea or making suitable pirate noises while actually reading my book.

Seriously, they do need to learn to amuse themselves a bit.